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Original poster

Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

787 replies

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 09:31

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

  • no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
  • no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
  • no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
  • refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
  • won't eat fish
  • no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
  • jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
  • hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

OP posts:
Fraaances · 27/02/2025 22:14

I’m just popping in to say how proud of you I am… All too often you see women writing in here about how miserable their lives are, and they are told they need to change certain parts of it (usually their man) and all they do is say “Yeah, but….” And justify his behaviour instead of taking action that will benefit them
and their kids.

PoppyBloom · 27/02/2025 22:48

Has your husband's food preferences been like this since he was a child? I ask as I have AFRID and have been the same since I was born.

I wish to add the my disordered eating is my own issue and I cook my own, separate meals. I have a condition that is my responsibility to manage and try to limit the impact on my household.

StarCourt · 27/02/2025 23:09

loving your new mindset Op

Mummywantstobemadeover · 27/02/2025 23:17

StarCourt · 27/02/2025 23:09

loving your new mindset Op

me too!

Uol2022 · 28/02/2025 00:16

PoppyBloom · 27/02/2025 22:48

Has your husband's food preferences been like this since he was a child? I ask as I have AFRID and have been the same since I was born.

I wish to add the my disordered eating is my own issue and I cook my own, separate meals. I have a condition that is my responsibility to manage and try to limit the impact on my household.

And that’s the crucial difference, isn’t it? We all have stuff we have to deal with, whether physical or mental health or challenging circumstances or trauma or… and most people are willing to make quite a lot of allowances provided they’re reasonable and the individual is taking responsibility for themselves as far as possible. These things become much more of an issue when you mix in (male) entitlement. The assumption that everyone else has to tiptoe around my issues and whatever I’m feeling is by definition the most important consideration in all matters. Extremely fussy eater? Absolutely doesn’t need to have an adverse affect on a relationship IF you understand and manage it yourself. But combined with lazy arse syndrome it has the potential to cast a shadow over every meal, every holiday, every trip out. Such a shame he doesn’t see it this way.

ItGhoul · 28/02/2025 00:18

bertiebump · 27/02/2025 10:57

This, brilliant suggestion.
I am male, my wife does 95% of the cooking because thats how it has worked over the past 30 years. My offerings are very basic or ready meals.
I have never once complained about anything she has cooked ever because I can't cook so can't complain. He sounds ruddy hard work.

Show quote history

Exactly - I do 95% of the cooking for me and my partner too, but I don’t mind at all, partly because I enjoy cooking anyway but also because he eats everything and is incredibly grateful and appreciative for every meal I put in front of him. No way would I be happy to cook for him if he was a fussy, moaning twat!

CarCrashLifes · 28/02/2025 00:19

He shops and cooks for himself

ThisFluentBiscuit · 28/02/2025 02:55

If he's as fussy as all that, he should really be making his own meals.

321user123 · 28/02/2025 03:27

OP you’ve received a lot of good advice so you’re good on that front.
However, I was just wondering is there a chance at all that your husband may have ARFID?

Judging by what you mentioned about his childhood Anita and now it seems possibly fitting.

While it doesn’t excuse his behaviour as an adult man, it may partially (just the food refusal part) explain it.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 06:57

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2025 18:16

While I think that it is perfectly possible for him to change, what if he does?

What if he does a complete 180 and pulls his weight in the house, agrees to a more equitable split of finances, cooks his own food, treats you with more respect etc.

How would you feel knowing that he COULD have done it all along, but chose not to? That he simple didnt care about you or your feelings enough to bother?

I think I would find that more upsetting than him not changing at all to be honest.

Yes I would also find that upsetting, he definitely can do it all now he's just lazy and been allowed to get away with it.

I didn't sleep much last night, I went over I think every eventuality in my head but I'm clear on my plan this morning. He's WFH today so I'm going to take the opportunity to ask him why he's slipping in household chores again... and discuss the food and financial matters. Whatever he says, I'm still heading to my appointments next week so I understand my position. I'm 100% not mentioning the divorce word until my ducks are in a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 07:04

0ctavia · 27/02/2025 16:47

I hope you are right. I thought the same about my ( now ex ) husband ( although I was probably less switched on than you). In fact it turned out that he was hiding hundreds of thousands of pounds, which he had stashed away during our marriage. He did this by various methods, mainly telling me that he earned about a quarter of what he actually did. Plus some much more clever methods which I won’t explain here for obvious reasons.

Although I found out about this during our divorce I was never able to discover where he put the money so he was able to keep it all . So I had to give him half my pension and buy him out the house. I estimate he got about 80% of our assets.

So please don’t assume as I did that you know about it all. He is mean and selfish and steals your time and energy for his own benefit. And he steals your cash by making you pay more than your share. So he’s more than likely cheating you in other ways as well.

Show quote history

Thank you Octavia, I am a little bit concerned something like this might have been happening. When I couldn't sleep last night I used an online calculator to calculate his take home pay and he seems to have a lot of disposable income thats not accounted for in our joint account or savings... so I want to find out what he's doing with that. I do hope he's not hiding it away but one thing I learned yesterday is that this is very possible!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 07:10

Oblomov25 · 27/02/2025 18:55

He presumably was always like this, so why are you complaining now? I wouldn't have gone out with someone food fussy. Why did you?

It wasn't such an issue before we lived together as I wasn't cooking for him nor did I have all the responsibilities I have now. I have however been incredibly patient on this and a few other issues but I can't do it anymore hence my post. This was the straw that eventually broke the camels back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 07:14

ChiliFiend · 27/02/2025 20:10

"I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that."

What happened to you to make you accept this set up? I want to know so that my daughters avoid it. It's depressing as hell. Stand up for yourself, fgs. Make him make his own dinner!!

I've been broken down slowly over 10 years into a shadow of my former self. I have issues from my own childhood which I won't go into but those issues made me so set on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat for my own kids, that I ended up in this shitty situation. I didn't want them to have the childhood I had but in doing so I have set an incredibly bad example for my girls. That's changing now.

OP posts:
jubs15 · 28/02/2025 07:17

Is he on the autistic spectrum? I've had two autistic partners and neither of them would go anywhere near light-coloured or creamy sauces, mayonnaise etc, saying it was a texture thing. They would eat the same bland meals all the time and have self-imposed rules about what they would or wouldn't eat. Maybe he experiences sensory issues.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 07:19

Just to quickly reply to the ARFID questions - I'm not sure to be honest, he does have a lot of preferences when it comes to food and problems existed in childhood too. I honestly think that it's now on him to go see his GP if he is concerned and wants help. Of course I would support him in that if he did but this is now his responsibility.

He's also never been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and has no other signs either but again, if he is concerned I will suggest he sees his GP.

OP posts:
ChiliFiend · 28/02/2025 07:46

Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 07:14

I've been broken down slowly over 10 years into a shadow of my former self. I have issues from my own childhood which I won't go into but those issues made me so set on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat for my own kids, that I ended up in this shitty situation. I didn't want them to have the childhood I had but in doing so I have set an incredibly bad example for my girls. That's changing now.

Show quote history

Good for you xxx

CheekyRaven · 28/02/2025 07:51

By feeding your family set meals your kids will eventually become as fussy as your husband. Stop now. Feed yourself and your kids what YOU want to eat.
BTW, your husband sounds as though he's on the spectrum.

DadJamie · 28/02/2025 08:04

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 10:37

Thank you for everybody that's replied to me I am so overwhelmed and grateful for you helping me see how ridiculous this all is. It was always about more than the food, I'm so frustrated and ashamed that I allowed myself to be such a walkover in this way. It's absolutely not what I want my girls to see growing up and why I considered divorce last year. Things improved but slowly its all getting worse again, I'm at the end of my tether. I seem to have lost all my strength in fighting for whats fair.

My girls will happily eat as I do and enjoy a varied diet so my first job tonight is to tell him to cook something else if he isn't happy with what I make. Followed by a chat about our life in general. I saw a comment about him feeling more important than me because he earns more... that's 100% the case, in fact he has said those exact words to my face when I begged him for a lie in one weekend when I was on mat leave with our second child. Despite him earning more than me, I still contribute 50% on all our bills with the exception of holidays.

My next step will be to talk to someone to help me understand my position and entitlements if I decide that the only option for us it to divorce.

So hang on you are both working full time, you do all the home chores and parenting and you’re contributing the same amount to the joint account as he does so you have far less fun money than he does? You are being taken advantage of massively here and I am saying this as a man. I earn more than my wife but the money is all our money. We share parental and household chores. We are a team. Your husband doesn’t seem to respect you or treat you as an equal member of the family. This is about so much more than food.
this may not be my place to say but I think your whole marriage balance needs to be overhauled. Look at proper/proportional shared finances. I accept not many people share their full salary but if not going that then you should be paying proportional amounts of your incomes into the shared account. Ie if he earns double he pays in twice as much as you do. He needs to be doing 50% of the home stuff and that includes cooking if he won’t accept some new meals every so often.
sorry you’re going through this.

NewMrsF · 28/02/2025 08:10

Please stop cooking for him, and stop doing his washing too, if he can’t be arsed to ‘help’ he needs to at least do his own jobs x

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 08:11

CheekyRaven · 28/02/2025 07:51

By feeding your family set meals your kids will eventually become as fussy as your husband. Stop now. Feed yourself and your kids what YOU want to eat.
BTW, your husband sounds as though he's on the spectrum.

The girls do eat a very varied diet when they are having meals with just me or at school. They will happily eat most foods and are telling me they want to eat different things in the evening, which we will now be doing as im no longer pandering to my husband. Thankfully the girls inherited my taste buds and are food explorers. My husband can now prepare his own meals

OP posts:
DadJamie · 28/02/2025 08:11

In addition I would also say maybe consider stopping contributing to the joint account and state you will start contributing again when be starts contributing at home and contribute only the percentage of what he does at home.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 08:14

DadJamie · 28/02/2025 08:04

So hang on you are both working full time, you do all the home chores and parenting and you’re contributing the same amount to the joint account as he does so you have far less fun money than he does? You are being taken advantage of massively here and I am saying this as a man. I earn more than my wife but the money is all our money. We share parental and household chores. We are a team. Your husband doesn’t seem to respect you or treat you as an equal member of the family. This is about so much more than food.
this may not be my place to say but I think your whole marriage balance needs to be overhauled. Look at proper/proportional shared finances. I accept not many people share their full salary but if not going that then you should be paying proportional amounts of your incomes into the shared account. Ie if he earns double he pays in twice as much as you do. He needs to be doing 50% of the home stuff and that includes cooking if he won’t accept some new meals every so often.
sorry you’re going through this.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yesterday was eye opening for me in realising just how dysfunctional my relationship was and I'm not doing it anymore. I am seeking advice from my bank and solicitors so I can understand my circumstances better if I do leave him. Based on past experience, I don't feel he will change so I'm doing the right thing for myself and my girls and preparing for a big change.

OP posts:
CosyLemur · 28/02/2025 08:14

It sounds like he has an eating disorder or sensory issues around food. Have you asked why he's like that? Is it that that's what he grew up eating for example, or is it something more such as the textures of food in his mouth?

Devon23 · 28/02/2025 08:17

You woek fulltime and are responsible for all household chores and cooking are you a single parent? Sounds like it. You need to divide everything.

Mandylovescandy · 28/02/2025 08:17

Just another perspective - sounds like my autistic verge of ARFID 8 year old who has genuine sensory issues with food. We are working to slowly expand what he eats but it is stronger than a mere preference. Even if that was the case I don't think that means you should all eat what he eats though or that he should demand you cook different meals so he needs to compromise. Being in charge of all the cooking is exhausting in general and especially so when you have someone with extreme dietary issues and he should recognise this

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