Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

Thank you for the advice, I feel like I could have written half of this myself... our situations are very similar. It helps me to know you are in a much better place now, it gives me hope that if divorce is my only option then I will come out of it just fine.

Coming here, late, to say to @Jessa85 - stop being a damned doormat, make the lazy prick cook his own food and at the same time, do his fair share of the housework, the lazy entitled prick

Your kids will deal with seeing people eat two meals, or more likely, him discovering he can eat a different dish after all

Stope enabling his piss poor behaviour, take responsibility.

(I have not read 12 pages of comments, assume everyone has said the same thing)

I can see you've had a big change of heart Op, which I applaud you for, but it's going to be hard to change all at once. You know you're a people pleaser and that will be one of the reasons he married you, he could see you'd take over from his DM and you've done exactly that, even when you talked about him doing more, or went to councilling, he ignored to until you just gave in.
He's going to be very angry @Jessa85 he won't like the new you, he likes the nice compliant you so you're going to have to steel yourself. Maybe practise in advance what you want to say so you sound really sure of yourself

Thanks for you comments. Yes I have been a doormat and it's not something I'm proud of. To be honest I am taking responsibility but only for myself and my girls, I am not responsible for him anymore

@Jessa85 well I'm glad I read all your posts before responding. I was after the initial post going to suggest you got some frozen pizzas in that he can eat on nights when you cook for yourself and your girls, something he'd otherwise reject.

But much emotional progress has been made on this thread and I just will wish you well and hope that you come out the other side with a big smile on your face.

Thank you, that's why I want to have everything in order before speaking to him properly. I've received a lot of great advice and support today and it's made me realise I can do the necessary to be happy. However, I need to put myself in the strongest position possible which I will do by talking to the solicitors and bank next week. If he doesn't like the new me, he can go back to his mother

So coming from the other side I'm autistic and have arfid (fairly mild now). Ds is autistic with some food issues. Dd has ADHD and arfid. Dh has no eating issues but is very healthy in his choices.

I cook mon - Thursday and make an effort to cook things I'll eat but dh likes- bulgar wheat/brown rice/lentils/quinoa with veg.
I tend to cook separate for kids as they wouldn't eat the things dh and I eat.
Dh cooks fri-Sun and tends to do pasta, curry, roast, fajitas which we all eat. Dh will sometimes want beans/pulses so will add them separately. Kids don't like onions/mushrooms so he does sometime do acouple of versions of a meal to meet everyone's needs.

I would say half the week do meals he will eat and the rest of the time cook what you want and he cooks for himself.

Do him his bland meals and he can eat the same thing in repeat. Like it or lump it. You prioritise the food you like

Aww thank you, I already feel a lot 'lighter' and in a much better mindset. It's been a thread of tough love but boy am I grateful for it

@Jessa85 my inner doormat has been thoroughly quashed with therapy, lots of it, so recommend you try it again. I had a traumatic unhappy childhood. I also realised how all my relationships have been affected by my people pleasing particularly some friendships. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Just cook separately for yourself. I know it sounds like more hassle but it's not really - me and both my kids seem to be on entirely different diets most of the time! We all quite enjoy meal planning and prepping.

ETA - I see the whole thread has moved on a lot, so this advice is a bit surplus now!

Your husband’s eating is disordered. It is his problem to solve, not yours. He needs therapy to learn how to eat and appreciate food.

I cook all the meals in our household (DH does other chores). He used to claim he didn’t like some ingredients - garlic, mustard, horseradish. Well I used them anyway and realised he never noticed and he never complains about food. He won’t eat garlic bread, but he never complains about garlic in a dish. Likewise mustard etc.

When DCs were little they had a limited palate, they were never super fussy but they didn’t like some ingredients or spices. I just kept making them and upping the spiciness gradually (mixed heritage family, we have a lot of Indian food and DH and I love spicy dishes). I explained to them that:

1- you have to try something ten times before you know for sure you don’t like it.

2- ingredients taste different when combined with others. One of their favourite cake is made with curdled milk, obviously it doesn’t taste of curdled milk.

3- tastes change over time, so you’ll need to try ten times again when you’re older.

Now they are teenagers, they eat practically anything bar a couple of ingredients each, which I think is normal. They are happy with spicy dishes as long as it’s not sichuan/mala hot. They will try anything (from tripe to raw oysters and everything in between, including things with eyes ☺️) as they are used to variety at home. They’ve been through phases - no eggs, no pies, no prawns- but I took no notice and they grew out of it. That’s normal. Your husband is stuck in an infantile mode of refusal - that is not normal.

Your DH is setting a bad example for your girls. He is the one with a problem, and is doing nothing to address it. No fish, no chunky veg? I wouldn’t have accepted that in my toddlers, let alone a grown ass man. That’s just not acceptable. He needs to recognise this is an issue, take ownership of it and take steps to change.

You can’t change him, but you can stop enabling him. You’ve got this!

Cook what you want, not an entire meal that he doesn’t like but a meal that contains a mix. When my dc were hitting teens I got totally fed up with cooking different things and basically served a meal, if someone didn’t like one of the components they could leave it and substitute a similar food group. There was always cold meats and cheese in the fridge and frozen veg in the freezer. If something new was appearing everyone was expected to try it. At the same time I started dc on cooking one evening every couple of weeks. We tried to have some meals where everything was in the centre of the table and everyone picked. There was an attempt at insisting that some vegetables were eaten. I refused to change recipes so my kids became very good at picking mushrooms out of bolognaise sauce!
I wouldn’t do too much batch cooking because he will then just eat that every day and it will be another chore for you.
His diet sounds hugely restrictive and not healthy and would preclude the vast majority of my regular meals. You have the patience of a saint.

So I’d tell him to cook for himself during the week and then prepare family meals together at the weekends where his preferences can be accommodated but where the kids meals can be adjusted (ie they can add cheese to pasta, have salads on the side).

There is no reason whatsoever why the kids can’t simply be told that you/they are eating earlier and that dad will eat later when he gets home.

In our house, family meals are fri-Sun, rest of the week it’s every man for himself now the kdis are teens, but before then, I just prepped their meals and my DH had his when he arrived home later. I’d either eat with the kids because he was going to be very late, or would eat with him if I’d cooked something nice. He has a good lunch at work (mainly opting for calorific salads in the canteen) so he can grab a ready meal, frozen left overs or make do with a sandwich and soup. It’s 2025, you don’t need to sit for one big meal together every night and pander to the Lord and Master’s preferences at that meal.

He's a grown man he either eats what you're cooking for you and DC or he cooks his own. I wouldn't be cooking separate for him. He wants something else he sorta his own out.

Is your husband neurodiverse? Could that be why the range of foods he will eat is so limited?

Hi OP,

I have read all your posts and it has been like watching a butterfly unfurl! I have nothing to add to the great advice you've received and the sense that you are now seeing with your own eyes, but your might find this helpful in preparation for your sollicitor's appointment.

The "Marriage, Divorce and Finances" guides are super helpful and easy to understand. They lay out the starting point for what you can expect in a divorce and explain the key terms like joint tenants/tenants in common etc., so you know what to look for in your paperwork.

Good luck! xx

Never rely on maintenance. It's so easy for men not to pay.

Why you being expected to do everything at home, cook and work full-time? What does he do? I would tell him he needs to cook his own meals as you want to have more variety and you want your children to experience different foods. He shouldn’t be dictating what you all eat every night and unless you were not working, you cannot be expected to cook him something different either.

Him earning more doesn’t matter because (a) marriage is meant to be a partnership, and (b) he isn’t paying more, he’s keeping it for himself.
All family income should go in one pot, and you BOTH get the SAME discretionary money into your private accounts from that, the rest is for shared costs.

I know someone like that. Will only eat rice pudding out of a tin and bread sauce if it’s made from a packet.

His eating habits are firmly entrenched in his 1970’s upbringing.

He hasn’t grown up

Thank you, I realised through this thread that things needed to change but that I needed to stop enabling his behaviour, things will change, it's up to him if he wants to change with me.

That would do my head in. It was bad enough with my dad growing up who only liked traditional meat, potatoes and veg style dishes.

DH dislikes eggs and mushrooms and creamy sauces which annoys me enough, but I can work round it.

I would definitely get your DH shopping and cooking. My mum got fed up of fussiness and my dad did the weekly shop and some of the cooking.

The part that leapt off the screen for me is this -

I am a mum and work full time. I am responsible for most of the housework and all of the cooking. I really dont want to be cooking two separate meals every day.

So here's what you need to do.
You cook for yourself and the children, and Mr I-Like-What-I-Like can become Mr I-Cook-What-I-Like-For-Myself-And-I-Clean-Up-Afterwards.

Do not pander to the whims of this spoiled gourmand one day longer.

Who does he think he is?

Aw thank you for your message. I will take a look at the information you've sent also, good to be prepared!