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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

787 replies

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 09:31

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

  • no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
  • no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
  • no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
  • refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
  • won't eat fish
  • no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
  • jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
  • hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 13:58

weaselwords · 27/02/2025 13:54

I was just thinking about this. People do change; I’ve changed over the years, you’ve changed over the course of this thread. I want to believe that lazy, financially abusive men can also change.

But then you’d have to deal with the seething resentment of 10 years of him being like this and I don’t know how you’d get over that.

Show quote history

Gosh yes the resentment I am feeling towards him and have felt towards him for a long time is huge. I hope he would change but I also hoped for that when our first child was born, and the second, and when we sought couples therapy...

OP posts:
theteachesofleeches · 27/02/2025 13:59

BIL did this - controlling about food, the temp of the house, how the cleaning was done - but not helping. When she left he had to move in with his parents and he ate everything without complaint again.

trailblazer42 · 27/02/2025 14:00

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 13:56

I could go into a whole history of my life with my husband and why I am the way I am but you've really hit the nail on the head with why I was the 'people pleaser'. I was scared to rock the boat. Thankfully I just can't put up with it anymore and its time to make a storm if thats whats necessary

Show quote history

It's taken me a year of therapy to get to this conclusion! I left my husband four months ago and am still not out of the mindset. My counsellor explained about something called the 'drama triangle' this week and it made a lot of sense with him as the victim. You sound in a similar situation dynamic flitting between the rescuer (ie pandering to him) and being the predator (ie trying to change him when he doesn't want it). It's exhausting!

LadyMary50 · 27/02/2025 14:03

Cuppachuchu · 27/02/2025 09:39

As PP, make food that you like and the kids will eat. Batch cook DH's meals and freeze in bulk. Life is too short to miss out on stuff you like because he is so fussy. Ffs.

Don’t batch cook DH meals get him frozen ones he can pop in the microwave.Their is no way on gods earth I would put up with this,if my husband wants something different he cooks it himself quite happily..

Original poster
Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 14:05

trailblazer42 · 27/02/2025 14:00

It's taken me a year of therapy to get to this conclusion! I left my husband four months ago and am still not out of the mindset. My counsellor explained about something called the 'drama triangle' this week and it made a lot of sense with him as the victim. You sound in a similar situation dynamic flitting between the rescuer (ie pandering to him) and being the predator (ie trying to change him when he doesn't want it). It's exhausting!

Show quote history

booking myself back in for solo therapy as we speak! It's been hugely beneficial for me in the past (trauma related) so I hope it can help me here too

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 27/02/2025 14:07

I’d make what you like and leave him to it or alternatively have a stash of ready meals - those prepared cheap roast dinners? If you still cook for 4 you’ll have his portion spare for lunch for you. Avoids any you haven’t made my tea - you have he’s choice not to eat it. He sounds like he has food sensory issues is he ND?

Endofyear · 27/02/2025 14:07

He's a grown man and you're not his mother - let him cook his own meals and just cook lovely things for you and the kids! I honestly couldn't be with someone who's a fussy eater - I love exploring new cuisines and trying lots of different recipes. You're right to not want his fussiness rubbing off on your kids.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 14:12

Cakeandusername · 27/02/2025 14:07

I’d make what you like and leave him to it or alternatively have a stash of ready meals - those prepared cheap roast dinners? If you still cook for 4 you’ll have his portion spare for lunch for you. Avoids any you haven’t made my tea - you have he’s choice not to eat it. He sounds like he has food sensory issues is he ND?

As far as I'm aware he's not ND, he never liked sauces as a kid but now will eat a smooth pasta sauce for example. He eats vegetables in meals if i chop them very very finely... no chunks at all. He's told me before its not the texture he just doesn't like the taste. As someone who isn't a fussy eater I find it incredibly frustrating. For now he can cook his own meals.

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 27/02/2025 14:13

Quiche salad and potatoes sounds lovely. I’d serve that for tea and if he doesn’t fancy it he can sort self. Don’t tolerate any it’s quiche moaning. Yes it’s from M & S/on offer, I really fancied it. If you are worried he’ll shout or cold shoulder if you put that on table tonight then you know it’s over.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 14:14

Thank you for all the comments, I didn't realise I when I posted earlier that I would get so many replies. I've appreciated all the advice and I'm looking forward to getting my ducks in a row and being in a strong position for the future, whatever that will be. I'll update as soon as I can

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 27/02/2025 14:16

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 14:12

As far as I'm aware he's not ND, he never liked sauces as a kid but now will eat a smooth pasta sauce for example. He eats vegetables in meals if i chop them very very finely... no chunks at all. He's told me before its not the texture he just doesn't like the taste. As someone who isn't a fussy eater I find it incredibly frustrating. For now he can cook his own meals.

Show quote history

I just wondered with his no list being quite texture dependent.

JustSawJohnny · 27/02/2025 14:18

As you stated, OP - he grew up being pandered to and due to you being a people-pleaser you've just carried that on. Doesn't mean you are obliged to do it forever, though.

I agree that it would be best to cook entirely different meals for you and the kids, especially as it's important to widen their pallets as much as possible so they don't pick up any bad habits from Dad.

If he complains that his meals have become more basic then tell him he needs to get off his arse and make something different. You are not his Mother and you've pandered to him long enough.

Time for him to start flexing the old opposable thumbs.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 27/02/2025 14:21

My husband is a bit like this. Only worse than he will eat it but be huffy about it but I don't care.

He makes his own meals 4 nights a week while I do me and the kids, and I don't care.

I'm sure his mother or mine wouldn't be very impressed but, once again, I do not care.

sammyspoon · 27/02/2025 14:21

I love that you're taking your girls out for dinner tonight. He can sort himself out. Maybe you and the girls can list all the delicious meals you want to eat over the next few days.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 14:30

sammyspoon · 27/02/2025 14:21

I love that you're taking your girls out for dinner tonight. He can sort himself out. Maybe you and the girls can list all the delicious meals you want to eat over the next few days.

Oh that's a great idea, I'll do that

OP posts:
stayathomer · 27/02/2025 14:31

Oh god I’m your dh! I’m fussy (actually to me his diet looks quite normal although I know it’s not so make sure the kids have tons more variety). He’s the cook of the house, I have to cook a few days a week but it’s awful (I can burn or dry out foods, even spaghetti bolognaise looks limp and awful for me) and we all live for the days he cooks. He’s begun to resent that he can’t arrive home to what I arrive home to when I’m working and I don’t blame him but it’s nearly twenty years now and my cooking hasn’t progressed and it’s just another thing on the list of things that make us sad that we’re both so different now. Hope it gets figured out op

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 27/02/2025 14:33

The lazy arse needs to take on half the cooking. He can cook whatever he likes to eat when it's his turn, and he can make extra so he's got something to eat on the other days. And I say that as someone who eats like a faddy toddler - I just don't expect others to be limited by my weirdness.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2025 14:35

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 09:31

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

  • no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
  • no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
  • no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
  • refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
  • won't eat fish
  • no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
  • jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
  • hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

Speaking as a 'fussy' person, he cooks his own

I cooked mostly what the family ate and adjusted accordingly for me.

Maurepas · 27/02/2025 14:38

Don't know if it's been mention already and I am not qualified to judge but could DH be autistic ( or similar) given he only wants to eat the same thing all the time?
I thought he must be an only child but no - he has sister.
Be aware in divorce you could get 1/2 his pension too.

TheHistorian · 27/02/2025 14:38

olderbutwiser · 27/02/2025 10:18

As a fully signed up avoidant people pleaser martyr I also put up with nonsense like this for years because a) it’s what I did b) golden cage and c) felt guilty about the idea of the children having to spend time every week living with him if we divorced.

Can I recommend you have some solo therapy? I found it massively helpful. Sadly I only did it after I cracked within the marriage and created a very ugly divorce, but it’s been transformational for me since.

This was me too. Twenty years of high-earner Billy Big-Bollocks who thought he was above all domestic work or parenting. He went above and beyond resisting any attempts to even things up. I was also the idiot paying half despite the disparity in salary until I cracked and demanded my share. He lied about his earnings and I ended up with 'pocket money' from him that never increased. He was on a constant spending spree, two golf club memberships, always away on business (read golf trips abroad on the sly).

Unfortunately we were a match made in hell, me a total people pleaser, him a spoilt man-child who always put himself first. Desperation made me get out but, bloody hell, the grief I got from other women leaving the gilded cage. This is not uncommon even in this day and age so watch out. Being a fussy eater may not be seen as a good enough reason. Be careful who you talk to Op.

And like others I found myself much richer and happier in divorce. Fear kept me in place until therapy freed me. I would add that I was able to get my own mortgage based on child maintenance and spousal maintenance. Might be worth looking into @Jessa85. It's often not the case that you'll end up in poverty. I have been able to take early retirement with the settlement I received in court.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2025 14:40

LadyMary50 · 27/02/2025 14:03

Don’t batch cook DH meals get him frozen ones he can pop in the microwave.Their is no way on gods earth I would put up with this,if my husband wants something different he cooks it himself quite happily..

Show quote history

He goes out and buys the food he wants
He prepares it, cooks it and eats it

And he can get on with the clearing up for everyone afterwards

Onlycoffee · 27/02/2025 14:42

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 27/02/2025 14:21

My husband is a bit like this. Only worse than he will eat it but be huffy about it but I don't care.

He makes his own meals 4 nights a week while I do me and the kids, and I don't care.

I'm sure his mother or mine wouldn't be very impressed but, once again, I do not care.

I wouldn't cook for him if he's going to be huffy. He needs manners!

CatherineCawoodsbestie · 27/02/2025 14:50

My diet has limitations - partly linked to IBS and food intolerances, and partly due to Autism issues - textures and periodic food obsessions. My partner is a SAHP and I work FT.
I would never expect her to cater for me - if I won’t eat the family meal, I will sort myself out. He is being unfair and childish.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 14:51

Maurepas · 27/02/2025 14:38

Don't know if it's been mention already and I am not qualified to judge but could DH be autistic ( or similar) given he only wants to eat the same thing all the time?
I thought he must be an only child but no - he has sister.
Be aware in divorce you could get 1/2 his pension too.

I'm also not qualified on it so I'm really not sure. The only thing he ever says is he doesn't like the taste of things and shouldn't have to eat it.

I wasn't aware re the pension, I also have my own that I've been paying into since I was 18 so I assumed I also need to declare that.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 27/02/2025 14:52

This could be an eating disorder that he's modeling to your children. I've been reading about ARFID, which might be worth a look. I know mumsnet has issues with this, but ... Is neurodivergence relevant here?

Ideally, he'd step up and do his share of cooking and make an effort

But back in the real world ...

You could serve a plain meal with a jug of sauce, like the old gravy boat, that he could have or not have.

Just give him more of the boring stuff, with additional veggies on your and the children's plate.