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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's comment- WWYD?

117 replies

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 20:52

Husband made a comment to me just now- were having a disagreement about what to get daughter for her birthday and he said 'get that in your thick ears'.
I went absolutely mad at him because i will not have him thinking he can speak to me like that- currently upstairs trying to calm down.He tried to say sorry straight after but not having any of it i'm so angry....how would others react to such a comment? (This behaviour is out of character)

OP posts:
SleepyRooster · 26/02/2025 20:57

I would up and stay somewhere else for a night or two. Verbal abuse is not acceptable

MeganCarter · 26/02/2025 20:57

this often happens when the thin veneer of. civility is removed for whatever reason

JemimaFlubberCluck · 26/02/2025 20:58

If it’s out of character, you make it absolutely clear that it was out of order and will not be tolerated. Then you let him apologise and move on.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:03

SleepyRooster · 26/02/2025 20:57

I would up and stay somewhere else for a night or two. Verbal abuse is not acceptable

I can't as we have two young children who need me....would ask him to stay away for the night, but think they would find that really unsettling.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 26/02/2025 21:04

If it was out of character and your husband doesn't normally speak to you in such a way. Then your reaction is pretty clear to him that he overstepped the mark. Calm yourself down. Go for a walk, have a bath, whatever it takes for you to feel calm again. Once you are calm, you tell him bluntly that his comment was disrespectful and you will not tolerate being spoken to like it. If he ever does it again, he can leave the house. You then move on.

Glitchymn1 · 26/02/2025 21:06

If it’s out of character, what’s happened? That’s what I would want to know. I’d want an explanation and an apology.

Quitelikeit · 26/02/2025 21:07

There will be a few on here telling you to divorce

However don’t get fired up by the responses

Its not the end of the world really is it?

And why does he need to calm down? Because of your reaction?

which was?

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:09

JemimaFlubberCluck · 26/02/2025 20:58

If it’s out of character, you make it absolutely clear that it was out of order and will not be tolerated. Then you let him apologise and move on.

Oh believe me I did that....I roared at him....my throat hurts and the neighbours must've heard....felt bad as think it worried DD but I was absolutely livid him daring to speak to me like that so automatically just let rip at him for afew seconds then came upstairs to have space.
Been together 9 years and whilst we argue and bicker quite alot I'll admit, this has certainly crossed a line.
He just came up and tried to apologise again I said I'm not up for hearing it right now.He then tried to start saying sometimes I can be quite aggressive! I told him 'don't you dare turn this on me'

OP posts:
Rfvvvv · 26/02/2025 21:11

What has changed that he now feels being verbally abusive is acceptable?
He is emotionally abusing his children if they heard this.
Completely unacceptable and a line crossed.
Better he leaves and your children are upset than they are reared in a house where verbal abuse is the normal.

Verbal abuse often precedes physical abuse, that is why it is wise to take it seriously.

PlumFairies · 26/02/2025 21:12

Rfvvvv · 26/02/2025 21:11

What has changed that he now feels being verbally abusive is acceptable?
He is emotionally abusing his children if they heard this.
Completely unacceptable and a line crossed.
Better he leaves and your children are upset than they are reared in a house where verbal abuse is the normal.

Verbal abuse often precedes physical abuse, that is why it is wise to take it seriously.

Have you never lost your temper and said something you don’t mean?
Her husband was out of order yes but let’s not blow this out of proportion.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:13

Sassybooklover · 26/02/2025 21:04

If it was out of character and your husband doesn't normally speak to you in such a way. Then your reaction is pretty clear to him that he overstepped the mark. Calm yourself down. Go for a walk, have a bath, whatever it takes for you to feel calm again. Once you are calm, you tell him bluntly that his comment was disrespectful and you will not tolerate being spoken to like it. If he ever does it again, he can leave the house. You then move on.

He actually did call me thick once before maybe a year or two ago (think it was 'get that through your thick head') Laid into him then too.Only other time in 9 years I can remember him name calling,as he would not normally use personal insults at all but still...unacceptable.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 26/02/2025 21:15

PlumFairies · 26/02/2025 21:12

Have you never lost your temper and said something you don’t mean?
Her husband was out of order yes but let’s not blow this out of proportion.

Show quote history

Indeed. I don't think I'd have had such a strong reaction.

Kittiwakey · 26/02/2025 21:15

@Quitelikeit I read it as OP being upstairs trying to calm down. Why assume she did something wrong when she's - understandably - upset.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:15

Quitelikeit · 26/02/2025 21:07

There will be a few on here telling you to divorce

However don’t get fired up by the responses

Its not the end of the world really is it?

And why does he need to calm down? Because of your reaction?

which was?

It's ME who needs to calm down, as I am so furious about him saying such a horrible thing.

Don't want a divorce....but i do want him to feel shit for awhile for being so nasty.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 26/02/2025 21:17

OP think back have you ever in your life said something yourself you would consider on the same level? or acted ever that would be considered out of character for you?

Millyjanice · 26/02/2025 21:17

Well if it’s out of character you need to find out why he said that. What’s different tonight that made him feel it was ok to say that ? Then if he’s genuinely apologetic, move on.

In terms of verbal abuse, though, your reaction wasn’t much better with regards to your dd being exposed to it !

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:18

BlondiePortz · 26/02/2025 21:17

OP think back have you ever in your life said something yourself you would consider on the same level? or acted ever that would be considered out of character for you?

No.I've had a go at him plenty but i have never thrown an insult like that at him (to his face (I've called him an f*ing idiot etc under my breath in private quite afew times!) Or anybody else.
It's an abusive way to behave.

OP posts:
TommyShelbysRazor · 26/02/2025 21:19

Unacceptable but sometimes inevitable really. If this is only the second time in 9 years he's ever stepped over the line like this then you need to cut him some slack. Your roaring reaction was probably a bit much too, you could have calmly said that he was out of order and let him apologise, which you say he tried to immediately. He knew he fucked up.
I think asking him to leave would be utterly ridiculous. There's no harm done except for your hurt feelings.

Kittiwakey · 26/02/2025 21:20

Ooops! But I think what he's said is really bad.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:27

Millyjanice · 26/02/2025 21:17

Well if it’s out of character you need to find out why he said that. What’s different tonight that made him feel it was ok to say that ? Then if he’s genuinely apologetic, move on.

In terms of verbal abuse, though, your reaction wasn’t much better with regards to your dd being exposed to it !

He is in rather a bad mood this evening for some reason- he got annoyed with DD doing her bedtime routine which turned into them arguing and him having to go and calm down for abit.
But things had settled down and I was simply trying to mention about a present idea but he was being really negative about it which got my back up, then because I didn't want to agree with his negative opinion about it when he hadn't even researched it, he accused me of not listening then said the comment I mentioned.
I admit it's not great DD being exposed to us shouting at each other.
Which is another reason why I don't want to be round him til I'm calm as I don't want any sort of disagreement kicking off again.

OP posts:
Roseshavethorns · 26/02/2025 21:29

So calling him a f* idiot is acceptable (and you have done it a few times) but saying get that in your thick ears is bad enough for you to scream so loud the neighbours hear and want to walk out for a couple of days?
Ok......

CKN · 26/02/2025 21:30

So let me get this straight - your DH insults you and you verbally attacked him over it and your DD heard it and you think that he is abusive?!? Yes he may well be but I’m sure he’s probably thinking the same about you. He tried to apologise which is more than you’ve done. You sound very passive aggressive towards him.

And as for the posters advising you to move out for a few days or get him to move out just WTF - the OP screaming her head off could also be classed as a form of abuse and you can be sure if she wrote that she told her DH to get something into his thick ears and he roared at the top of his lungs to her she’d still be the victim.

RESPECT works both ways

Sunshineandoranges · 26/02/2025 21:35

It sounds as though you are not always calm. Calling him a fucking idiot?. He was out of order but so have you been.

pizzaHeart · 26/02/2025 21:35

TommyShelbysRazor · 26/02/2025 21:19

Unacceptable but sometimes inevitable really. If this is only the second time in 9 years he's ever stepped over the line like this then you need to cut him some slack. Your roaring reaction was probably a bit much too, you could have calmly said that he was out of order and let him apologise, which you say he tried to immediately. He knew he fucked up.
I think asking him to leave would be utterly ridiculous. There's no harm done except for your hurt feelings.

This ^
you might have another quiet talk a bit later more along the lines that he needs to think before opening his mouth (more politely probably) but that’s about it.

LionME · 26/02/2025 21:35

Honestly, dh saying something like would make me go ‘Pardon?….’ Scary school teacher stare.
I dint think there was need to scream like you did. The message would have been heard loud and clear too.

But he was annoyed at something today and used you as an emotional punching bag.
You were annoyed at him for being negative when he probably didn’t put nearly as much effort as you looking for a present. And you used him as an emotional punching bag too. You were indeed aggressive….

It doesn’t mean it was ok fur him to speak like this. Nor was it ok fir you to react like this.
You BOTH need to apologise to each other.