Page 4 | Husband's comment- WWYD?

ChitterChatter1987 · 2025-02-26T20:52:41+00:00

Husband made a comment to me just now- were having a disagreement about what to get daughter for her birthday and he said 'get that in your thick ears'. I went absolutely mad at him because i will not have him thinking he can speak to me like that- currently upstairs trying to calm down.He tried to say sorry straight after but not having any of it i'm so angry....how would others react to such a comment? (This behaviour is out of character)

llovemermaidgin · 27/02/2025 06:57

You both sound as bad as each other tbh, shouting so neighbours can hear / roaring at dh?
Well let's hope your dc have cotton wool in their ears when this is going on, because you are both adults and should both of should behave better around your dc. They grow up thinking this screaming and shouting is normal and that it really isn't
Neither of you are coming out of this well.

Cornishclio · 27/02/2025 07:01

Saying "Get that through your thick head" is unacceptable but may not necessarily mean he is actually calling you stupid. He may have grown up having those comments said to him. Having a calm conversation with him about how awful he is to say that to anyone is certainly warranted but also calling him a F....ing idiot even under your breath is no better.

Having disagreements about things is normal but once either of you resort to name calling you are on a downward slope and that is not a good way to demonstrate to your children how to resolve conflict. He called you aggressive and he doesn't sound any better so you should both have a conversation about how to get your points across with verbal aggression even passive aggressive comments or insults.

I think you are both at fault.

HazelBite · 27/02/2025 07:18

Strange that the OP thinks using the expression "fucking idiot" is far more acceptable than being told to get something through her "thick head"?
Perhaps it's me, but "thick head" was an expression bandied about by teachers when I was at secondary school, never really thought of it as highly offensive, but if I had been referred to as a "fucking idiot" I would have been really upset.

verycloakanddaggers · 27/02/2025 07:25

Why is 'roaring' at someone acceptable behaviour, but using the term 'thick ears' isn't?

namechangeGOT · 27/02/2025 07:32

verycloakanddaggers · 27/02/2025 07:25

Why is 'roaring' at someone acceptable behaviour, but using the term 'thick ears' isn't?

It isn't. If I was to pick I'd rather someone tel me I had 'thick ears' than to set out off shouting at me so loudly the neighbours heard and their throat was sore. I know which one will have had a bigger impact on the kids too.

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 27/02/2025 08:00

Should have guessed I'd be the one getting turned on.....typical mumsnet.Don't really know why I bothered posting, just needed someone to vent to I guess but seems I chose the wrong place.

Kids don't get permenantely damaged by one parent raising their voice for afew seconds shouting 'Do NOT speak to me like that' when other parent has overstepped a line.
But actually if she had heard him calling me thick that comment could have stayed with her.I can still remember my dad calling my mum fat once and me having to fight her corner because she laughed it off.
I refuse to let a man disrespect me like that.

Admittedly i probably should have kept my voice lower and seethed at him instead, so DD didn't hear, but he had already pissed me off all day to be honest and I just exploded.
He made a fuss about taking younger DD downstairs that morning on his way out to work, as she was being loud, whuch meant it woke her sister up who had a late night before, cue a nightmare bedtime routine last night with her being overtired. He got into an argument with her during her bedtime routine then stormed out the house earlier yesterday evening leaving me to pick up the pieces and reassure her that yes, he would actually be coming back when she asked.
I also had a heavy day at work, so i was tired, at the end of my tether with him and that comment tipped me over the edge.

I admit we need to work on our communication for sure, but please stop making me out to be the worst in all of this.
If you truly beleive that you have no clue and it's sad so many women don't see a man telling his wife 'Get that through your thick ears/head' as a verbally abusive comment.

OP posts:

biscuitsandbooks · 27/02/2025 08:02

TheLadyIsAVamp · 26/02/2025 21:43

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think you've massively overreacted and can't believe some of these replies.

I totally agree - verbal abuse?! Honestly.

biscuitsandbooks · 27/02/2025 08:07

Kids don't get permenantely damaged by one parent raising their voice for afew seconds

You said earlier you shouted so loudly you ended up with a sore throat - that doesn't happen because you've raised your voice for a few seconds.

You both sound pretty short-tempered - his comment isn't great but neither is your behaviour. I wouldn't go round picking at him unless you're happy for him to come back and criticise you too.

FreddoSwaggins · 27/02/2025 08:20

Are insecure about your intelligence? You seem disproportionately sensitive to the word "thick" that you screamed so much and so load you have a sore throat (or if it was for just for a few seconds , as you claim above, the ntensity of your scream must have been off the scale). Plus your go to insult to him, all be in muttering under you breath in the bedroom, is about putting his intelligence down.

Mind you, i always assosiate the term "thick ears" with someone not listening, in the stubborn way that they feel only their opinion counts. What kind of things were you saying to each other before his "verbal abuse"?

Have you "tried" to apologise to him, your daughter and neighbour for screaming so much it disturbed them?

I think you need to take a bit a true reflection of your behaviour. Then consider how best to tackle situations where your husband insults you.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 27/02/2025 08:23

Quite right OP. Sometimes shouting is the only way to make yourself heard. Your kids won't be traumatised, your marriage isn't over. You only shouted at your husband when he deserved it.

Mumsnet is the weirdest place on the planet sometimes 😂

ForestFox44 · 27/02/2025 08:37

ChitterChatter1987 · 27/02/2025 08:00

Should have guessed I'd be the one getting turned on.....typical mumsnet.Don't really know why I bothered posting, just needed someone to vent to I guess but seems I chose the wrong place.

Kids don't get permenantely damaged by one parent raising their voice for afew seconds shouting 'Do NOT speak to me like that' when other parent has overstepped a line.
But actually if she had heard him calling me thick that comment could have stayed with her.I can still remember my dad calling my mum fat once and me having to fight her corner because she laughed it off.
I refuse to let a man disrespect me like that.

Admittedly i probably should have kept my voice lower and seethed at him instead, so DD didn't hear, but he had already pissed me off all day to be honest and I just exploded.
He made a fuss about taking younger DD downstairs that morning on his way out to work, as she was being loud, whuch meant it woke her sister up who had a late night before, cue a nightmare bedtime routine last night with her being overtired. He got into an argument with her during her bedtime routine then stormed out the house earlier yesterday evening leaving me to pick up the pieces and reassure her that yes, he would actually be coming back when she asked.
I also had a heavy day at work, so i was tired, at the end of my tether with him and that comment tipped me over the edge.

I admit we need to work on our communication for sure, but please stop making me out to be the worst in all of this.
If you truly beleive that you have no clue and it's sad so many women don't see a man telling his wife 'Get that through your thick ears/head' as a verbally abusive comment.

Edited

No one has turned on you, they are just telling you how it is and you don't like it. You shouldn't ask if YBU on a public forum if you don't like the answers 😅 He shouldn't have called you thick but you're minimising your own behaviour to make yourself feel better...

Totototo · 27/02/2025 08:41

It was a term of phrase used a lot in the 80’s and 90’s.

Was he aggressive, voice heightened when he said it?

TBH it is not good but you do also come across as aggressive and a bully in your description of your response.

Sounds like you both need to reflect on your behaviour and not just who started it.

Doggymummar · 27/02/2025 08:44

Does he have money worries, not nice to name call but perhaps he isn't ready to talk yet about what's troubling him

theemmadilemma · 27/02/2025 08:50

stealthninjamum · 26/02/2025 22:22

Op I think two wrongs don’t make a right and just because he called you thick you shouldn’t have roared back at him. I can’t ever imagine shouting at someone so loud that a neighbour heard. I think you’ve lost the moral high ground and you should both apologise to each other and work on your communication styles.

This!

CarrieOnComplaining · 27/02/2025 08:56

The comment was rude and disrespectful.

It was not abusive IMO.

He shouldn’t have said it.

You were upset, he apologised and tried to apologise again.

It was absolutely fair enough to stop and tell him that is not an acceptable way to speak to you.

But someone saying something unacceptable does not give you licence to not regulate your own response. You think it is ok to ‘roar’ at him and then start again when he tried to apologia second time. It IS on you if your response is out of control and aggressive. Which it was.

You said ‘don’t turn this on me’… how far does that principle hold? Would it not be your responsibility if you had hit him instead of roaring, for example? Stabbed him?

Accept his apology enough to have a calm talk about all this. He was out of character, explore that. Explore your own responses.

I really hope you can work this out together.

NestaArcheron · 27/02/2025 08:59

ChitterChatter1987 · 27/02/2025 08:00

Should have guessed I'd be the one getting turned on.....typical mumsnet.Don't really know why I bothered posting, just needed someone to vent to I guess but seems I chose the wrong place.

Kids don't get permenantely damaged by one parent raising their voice for afew seconds shouting 'Do NOT speak to me like that' when other parent has overstepped a line.
But actually if she had heard him calling me thick that comment could have stayed with her.I can still remember my dad calling my mum fat once and me having to fight her corner because she laughed it off.
I refuse to let a man disrespect me like that.

Admittedly i probably should have kept my voice lower and seethed at him instead, so DD didn't hear, but he had already pissed me off all day to be honest and I just exploded.
He made a fuss about taking younger DD downstairs that morning on his way out to work, as she was being loud, whuch meant it woke her sister up who had a late night before, cue a nightmare bedtime routine last night with her being overtired. He got into an argument with her during her bedtime routine then stormed out the house earlier yesterday evening leaving me to pick up the pieces and reassure her that yes, he would actually be coming back when she asked.
I also had a heavy day at work, so i was tired, at the end of my tether with him and that comment tipped me over the edge.

I admit we need to work on our communication for sure, but please stop making me out to be the worst in all of this.
If you truly beleive that you have no clue and it's sad so many women don't see a man telling his wife 'Get that through your thick ears/head' as a verbally abusive comment.

Edited

No no - you said you roared at him to the point your neighbours would have heard and you gave yourself a sore throat. It's just as bad as him saying that to you. You've thrown a tantrum because you don't like being told you are in the wrong too. You both need to grow up and behave like adults in front of your children.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2025 09:05

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 22:55

Yep.

Show quote history

Well that’s shit all round.

rainbowstardrops · 27/02/2025 09:10

TheLadyIsAVamp · 26/02/2025 21:43

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think you've massively overreacted and can't believe some of these replies.

Absolutely!

If he'd called you a fucking thicko then I'd be fuming but not that he said to get it through your thick ears - meaning you weren't listening to him because you probably wasn't!
I'd have told him not to speak to me like that but to roar until your throat hurt and the neighbours probably heard? Wow! What an overreaction!
He also apologised and tried to apologise again and yet it was YOU who wanted to continue the drama. You need to apologise to him too.

Oh and you're getting pissy on here because posters are quite rightly pointing out that your behaviour was as bad, if not worse than his!

I think you both need to look at yourselves and see where you're going wrong.

OhHellolittleone · 27/02/2025 09:14

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:09

Oh believe me I did that....I roared at him....my throat hurts and the neighbours must've heard....felt bad as think it worried DD but I was absolutely livid him daring to speak to me like that so automatically just let rip at him for afew seconds then came upstairs to have space.
Been together 9 years and whilst we argue and bicker quite alot I'll admit, this has certainly crossed a line.
He just came up and tried to apologise again I said I'm not up for hearing it right now.He then tried to start saying sometimes I can be quite aggressive! I told him 'don't you dare turn this on me'

Show quote history

You can’t have it both ways. You’re ‘roaring’ at him… you’re as bad as each other.

LostMyLanyard · 27/02/2025 10:26

What he said was mean...but good lord OP, your reaction was way over the top! 'Roaring' until your throat hurt?? Jesus! And you admit that you're 'not always calm'! Can't be much fun for your children, having a mum who is not always calm and roars at their dad until her throat hurts!!

Grow up!

WillIEverBeOk · 27/02/2025 11:01

I'd say "I might have thick ears but at least I don't have a tiny dick."

Because I can be petty like that. But sometimes these men really do need to be brought down a peg or two, especially when they speak down to women just because we're women.

SallyWD · 27/02/2025 11:02

WillIEverBeOk · 27/02/2025 11:01

I'd say "I might have thick ears but at least I don't have a tiny dick."

Because I can be petty like that. But sometimes these men really do need to be brought down a peg or two, especially when they speak down to women just because we're women.

What an assumption to make that he spoke to OP like that "because she's a woman". You have no idea if that's true.

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 11:06

Obviously he shouldn't have used the word 'thick' but your description of the argument, and of your behaviour in general, makes me suspect that you are quite a difficult person to have a calm discussion with.

Consistent verbal abuse is not OK, but it certainly sounds like you lose your temper quite a lot and I assume he did too on this occasion.

namechangeGOT · 27/02/2025 11:30

WillIEverBeOk · 27/02/2025 11:01

I'd say "I might have thick ears but at least I don't have a tiny dick."

Because I can be petty like that. But sometimes these men really do need to be brought down a peg or two, especially when they speak down to women just because we're women.

This is the biggest reach I have ever read on MN. Perhaps he told her she had thick ears because she as an inability to listen.

Enko · 27/02/2025 12:44

@ChitterChatter1987

Taking aside who is wrong here. What would you like him to do? He has apologised you are not accepting his apology. He can't take it back. How do you want to move forward?

For me personally. Muttering underneath is a complete trigger for me I loathe it. Tell me your insult to my face. don't make out it as a pretend that didn't happen.
For you that is acceptable.
That's ok we feel different about it but it's a part of a wider acknowledgement that we (plural we) see things different depending on how you were raised and what the norm was for you.

For you his comment about thick ears is worse than your muttered comment about him being an idiot. For me it would be the other way around. What is your dhs view?

I would suggest you go to marriage counselling with a specific view on working on your communication. It's all very well he says "I won't do it again" however if this was a regular childhood insult he heard. (And yours was idiot) you both will likely use it again. So have those conversations with a counsellor present to navigate how to agree to respond and what will work for both of you . Work out how "your" marriage will be.
And teach your girls that communication will give them respect. Not insults or shouting.

Also I don't believe you shouting once or twice will scar them for life. However I remember my childhood with LOTS of shouting my mother would have claimed different. You clearly care about both dh and the children so do a bit of work and come out of this stronger together.