Page 2 | Husband's comment- WWYD?

ChitterChatter1987 · 2025-02-26T20:52:41+00:00

Husband made a comment to me just now- were having a disagreement about what to get daughter for her birthday and he said 'get that in your thick ears'. I went absolutely mad at him because i will not have him thinking he can speak to me like that- currently upstairs trying to calm down.He tried to say sorry straight after but not having any of it i'm so angry....how would others react to such a comment? (This behaviour is out of character)

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:36

Roseshavethorns · 26/02/2025 21:29

So calling him a f* idiot is acceptable (and you have done it a few times) but saying get that in your thick ears is bad enough for you to scream so loud the neighbours hear and want to walk out for a couple of days?
Ok......

I didn't say that TO him.It was in private muttering it under my breath to myself.
So pretty different!
And I didn't say I 'wanted to walk out for a couple of days' another poster said that's what they would have done.

OP posts:

OneFineDay13 · 26/02/2025 21:39

What he said was out of order But you say yourself you argue and bicker a lot. Maybe he just lost his temper. You sound a bit OTT yourself saying you roared at him

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:41

Rfvvvv · 26/02/2025 21:11

What has changed that he now feels being verbally abusive is acceptable?
He is emotionally abusing his children if they heard this.
Completely unacceptable and a line crossed.
Better he leaves and your children are upset than they are reared in a house where verbal abuse is the normal.

Verbal abuse often precedes physical abuse, that is why it is wise to take it seriously.

The children did not hear him say the comment as we were downstairs. DD heard me shouting at him.To be honest I just saw red as I was shocked he would be so rude.
Our relationship is not usually abusive in any way and I've no concerns about him being so in general.

OP posts:

cinnamonda · 26/02/2025 21:43

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:09

Oh believe me I did that....I roared at him....my throat hurts and the neighbours must've heard....felt bad as think it worried DD but I was absolutely livid him daring to speak to me like that so automatically just let rip at him for afew seconds then came upstairs to have space.
Been together 9 years and whilst we argue and bicker quite alot I'll admit, this has certainly crossed a line.
He just came up and tried to apologise again I said I'm not up for hearing it right now.He then tried to start saying sometimes I can be quite aggressive! I told him 'don't you dare turn this on me'

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Maybe he is afraid to tell you how he feels about you and it “ slipped”.
if he told you that you are sometimes aggressive that means his tonight’s reaction is coming from a place or position that he is not free to tell you how he feels.
I Suggest you calm down and talk things through with him - try to calmly understand why he said it, if there is an underlying issue you both need to resolve.

getting angry and letting it rip, screaming etc doesn’t help anyone.
good luck

TheLadyIsAVamp · 26/02/2025 21:43

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think you've massively overreacted and can't believe some of these replies.

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:46

CKN · 26/02/2025 21:30

So let me get this straight - your DH insults you and you verbally attacked him over it and your DD heard it and you think that he is abusive?!? Yes he may well be but I’m sure he’s probably thinking the same about you. He tried to apologise which is more than you’ve done. You sound very passive aggressive towards him.

And as for the posters advising you to move out for a few days or get him to move out just WTF - the OP screaming her head off could also be classed as a form of abuse and you can be sure if she wrote that she told her DH to get something into his thick ears and he roared at the top of his lungs to her she’d still be the victim.

RESPECT works both ways

No- one is moving out.....
But it's a reasonable reaction to get rather angry at your spouse calling you thick!!
I have admitted that shouting like that with DD in earshot was not great, but as I say I just saw red for afew seconds then when i went upstairs to calm down i realised she was still awake when she opened her bedroom door to ask me what was wrong, so i went to try reassure her and then took myself into my bedroom to cool off.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:49

Sunshineandoranges · 26/02/2025 21:35

It sounds as though you are not always calm. Calling him a fucking idiot?. He was out of order but so have you been.

No I'm not always calm! Not at all.
But I'd never call him something horrible to his face.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 21:49

cinnamonda · 26/02/2025 21:43

Maybe he is afraid to tell you how he feels about you and it “ slipped”.
if he told you that you are sometimes aggressive that means his tonight’s reaction is coming from a place or position that he is not free to tell you how he feels.
I Suggest you calm down and talk things through with him - try to calmly understand why he said it, if there is an underlying issue you both need to resolve.

getting angry and letting it rip, screaming etc doesn’t help anyone.
good luck

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Thanks- your reply makes alot of sense.

OP posts:

Karmakamelion · 26/02/2025 21:52

PlumFairies · 26/02/2025 21:12

Have you never lost your temper and said something you don’t mean?
Her husband was out of order yes but let’s not blow this out of proportion.

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Absolutely this. Keyboard warriors shrieking LTB and goading the op is bang out of order. These are real people and families.
Op you've made your feelings clear and tbh shouting so hard your throat is sore is aggressive

CatsMagic · 26/02/2025 21:57

It sounds like you have fallen in a cycle of becoming argumentative /defensive rather than being able to talk things through.

Are you able to arrange a walk together then dinner (always good for talking) and have a really brutally honest chat about what’s going on and why you aren’t communicating well (are you both feeling overwhelmed/tired/ anxious etc ) you can then agree to reset and set some rules for communication no shouting , no hurting feelings etc.

myplace · 26/02/2025 22:05

To me it sounds as though ‘thick’ is his go to serious insult- and most likely something he heard a lot as a kid. It’s possible he uses it not ‘about’ you, but because he’s stressed. It’s an exclamation rather than an insult tailored/prompted by, you. Do you see what I mean?

My Dad had a colourful turn of phrase, in the 70s and 80s. Are you thick or just stupid, was one of if I recall. Don’t be so thick. Thick as two short planks…
I haven’t actually heard it for years.

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 22:07

CatsMagic · 26/02/2025 21:57

It sounds like you have fallen in a cycle of becoming argumentative /defensive rather than being able to talk things through.

Are you able to arrange a walk together then dinner (always good for talking) and have a really brutally honest chat about what’s going on and why you aren’t communicating well (are you both feeling overwhelmed/tired/ anxious etc ) you can then agree to reset and set some rules for communication no shouting , no hurting feelings etc.

Yes you're probably right- we don't communicate that well to be honest and there's probably alot of underlying resentment between us.

OP posts:

ForestFox44 · 26/02/2025 22:09

TheLadyIsAVamp · 26/02/2025 21:43

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think you've massively overreacted and can't believe some of these replies.

Me too! Way OTT 😅

Rfvvvv · 26/02/2025 22:10

OP, from your updates it sounds like ye are not in the best place and your children are hearing this.

Child rearing is hard but do you really want your children to grow up anxious from a constant shouty house.

Calm down and talk to him about what you both need to do to fix this.

It WILL destroy their childhood if you don't.

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 22:11

myplace · 26/02/2025 22:05

To me it sounds as though ‘thick’ is his go to serious insult- and most likely something he heard a lot as a kid. It’s possible he uses it not ‘about’ you, but because he’s stressed. It’s an exclamation rather than an insult tailored/prompted by, you. Do you see what I mean?

My Dad had a colourful turn of phrase, in the 70s and 80s. Are you thick or just stupid, was one of if I recall. Don’t be so thick. Thick as two short planks…
I haven’t actually heard it for years.

Probably....his parents were toxic narcissists that we are no contact with, so could quite imagine it being parrot speak from his childhood slipping out.
He has apologised profusely over messenger and realises his behaviour was completely unacceptable.I have been clear that he cannot say things like that but have been fair in recognising that whilst an angry response to such a nasty comment was warranted, I do need to work on reducing my anger towards him in general.

OP posts:

Winterscoming77 · 26/02/2025 22:15

I would just laugh if my DH said this. Is he 85?

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 22:15

Rfvvvv · 26/02/2025 22:10

OP, from your updates it sounds like ye are not in the best place and your children are hearing this.

Child rearing is hard but do you really want your children to grow up anxious from a constant shouty house.

Calm down and talk to him about what you both need to do to fix this.

It WILL destroy their childhood if you don't.

I don't think we are about to destroy their childhoods....we don't constantly shout sulk or insult each other and we generally have a happy family life.
However I am under no illusion that our relationship isn't in the healthiest place right now and we do need to work on that for us and our kids too.

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gamerchick · 26/02/2025 22:18

You've overreacted OP. You're both at the point of treating each other with contempt. Whether you say shit under your breath or not

Your communication skills, the both of you is shit. You screamed loud enough the neighbours heard. Your child heard you. You were talking about her birthday gift FFS. Happy birthday to her!

This isn't a new thing. It's bubbling under the surface.
Him trying to appease you repeatedly says a lot about your relationship in general.

You both need a chat. Hold a talking stick or something if you have too.

mintjim · 26/02/2025 22:20

Contempt is the beginning of the end.

stealthninjamum · 26/02/2025 22:22

Op I think two wrongs don’t make a right and just because he called you thick you shouldn’t have roared back at him. I can’t ever imagine shouting at someone so loud that a neighbour heard. I think you’ve lost the moral high ground and you should both apologise to each other and work on your communication styles.

Whatisthisbs · 26/02/2025 22:29

Bloody hell...the comments honestly. Yes, it was bad, yes it was disrespectful, but those posters screaming LTB - really ? OP should just uproot her whole life and that of her DC ? Would you? Get a grip ffs.

Princesspollyyy · 26/02/2025 22:32

How much of your arguing and bickering do you think your kids pick up on? It's probably more than you think.

I think you 'roaring' so much your throat now hurts is actually worse than what your husband said to you.

festivemouse · 26/02/2025 22:36

I feel like I'm reading a different thread - someone saying to get something through "thick ears" vs being roared at by someone so hard they ended up with a sore throat? I feel like the roaring is 10x worse! Especially as DC will have been exposed to it.

Original poster

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 22:38

Kind of feels like this is turning into a projection back on me.....

Yes I shouted (which I'm not condoning the level i did that at) but shouting seems like a cardinal sin on mums net, and since when is someone the bad person for shouting in defence at a partner calling them a horrible name?
The comment was abusive, no two ways about it.And after the last time he called me thick he said he wouldn't do it again, so it really wound me up.
Making this all about my reaction feels unfair.

I don't know if the neighbours heard for sure, but we live in a small semi and I was standing next to the dividing wall so it's probably likely, which I know isn't ideal and I now feel I've got to explain that DH and i had an argument just incase they think I was shouting like that at one of the kids.

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CoddledAsAMommet · 26/02/2025 22:42

You have twice described your daughter hearing you ''roar' at your husband to the point of having a sore throat is 'not great'.

'Not great'?

It's very far from great. It's terrible behaviour and you ought to apogise to both your daughter and husband.

I'm not minimising your husband's words, which were very wrong, but you are minimising the impact of your behaviour on your child.