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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's comment- WWYD?

117 replies

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 20:52

Husband made a comment to me just now- were having a disagreement about what to get daughter for her birthday and he said 'get that in your thick ears'.
I went absolutely mad at him because i will not have him thinking he can speak to me like that- currently upstairs trying to calm down.He tried to say sorry straight after but not having any of it i'm so angry....how would others react to such a comment? (This behaviour is out of character)

OP posts:
Friestogo · 27/02/2025 13:15

ChitterChatter1987 · 26/02/2025 22:38

Kind of feels like this is turning into a projection back on me.....

Yes I shouted (which I'm not condoning the level i did that at) but shouting seems like a cardinal sin on mums net, and since when is someone the bad person for shouting in defence at a partner calling them a horrible name?
The comment was abusive, no two ways about it.And after the last time he called me thick he said he wouldn't do it again, so it really wound me up.
Making this all about my reaction feels unfair.

I don't know if the neighbours heard for sure, but we live in a small semi and I was standing next to the dividing wall so it's probably likely, which I know isn't ideal and I now feel I've got to explain that DH and i had an argument just incase they think I was shouting like that at one of the kids.

Edited

I think you are getting such a hard time because your reaction to his comment was worse than the actual comment he made.

I am not condoning what he did, and neither is anyone else. No-one is blaming you for feeling angry and annoyed at your DH. The comment was not nice and disrespectful, so your feelings are valid, but your screaming and shouting to the level you hurt your throat and your child came out to see what was going on is what people are referring to and why you may feel you are not getting much support here. Screaming and shouting at someone that way is also verbally abusive. So you are no better than each other and yes, I am sorry, but you have come out of this the bad person because of your massive overreaction to his comment.

tanjaav · 27/02/2025 14:00

Hi. His comment showed quite a lot of contempt for you, which is a real red flag on the state of the relationship. Your response to him also sounded rather aggressive - something he has called you out on. I really think you both need to take some time to calm down, but then make some time when you can both talk more calmly about what's happened. You need to listen seriously to his concerns about your behaviour as it might be what's driving his, but he also needs to listen calmly to your views and be apologetic for how he spoke to you. If you can both do this, and then start making some time to invest in spending quality time with each other, and appreciate each other, then your relationship might just be saved.

From a divorced person who now recognises the warning signs.

User1786 · 27/02/2025 14:54

For me his comment was rude and unhelpful but not remotely abusive (unless he shouted it?). Your reaction was extreme and massive overreaction and closer to being abusive. I hate shouting and raised voices having grown up with an abusive mother constantly shouting at me after a bad day at work.

livelovelough24 · 27/02/2025 18:07

This thread is a typical example that misogyny is still alive and thriving. What all of you are basically saying is that a man can say anything to a woman and she should take it calmly and submissively, not making a fuss. OP came here to ask what you all think about what her husband told her and you turned it against her, which is very basic tactic abusers use on their victims called deflection, the purpose of which is to confuse and shut her up, so that next time something like this happens she would choose to stay silent. Also, telling her that she is too sensitive, that she is overreacting, that it is all her fault, and bringing her kids into it to make her feel guilty, again typical abuser response.

It was very sad, to be honest, to read these comments and triggering for me and I am sure, many other women who were victims of abuse themselves. This is how society had treated women for centuries and it is sad to see that even here, in this space that is supposed to be safe space for all us women to come and share our experiences, we are being prosecuted for speaking up.

LionME · 27/02/2025 18:12

Nope not at all.
But you can hold boundaries wo loosing it. It’s actually much more powerful to do it in that way too.

biscuitsandbooks · 27/02/2025 18:18

This thread is a typical example that misogyny is still alive and thriving. What all of you are basically saying is that a man can say anything to a woman and she should take it calmly and submissively, not making a fuss.

You can object to what someone says to you without "roaring" at them until your throat hurts, though. OP's reaction was massively OTT and if this thread was about a man "roaring" at his wife over such a minor comment, everyone would be telling the OP that her husband was an abusive wanker.

livelovelough24 · 27/02/2025 18:24

biscuitsandbooks · 27/02/2025 18:18

This thread is a typical example that misogyny is still alive and thriving. What all of you are basically saying is that a man can say anything to a woman and she should take it calmly and submissively, not making a fuss.

You can object to what someone says to you without "roaring" at them until your throat hurts, though. OP's reaction was massively OTT and if this thread was about a man "roaring" at his wife over such a minor comment, everyone would be telling the OP that her husband was an abusive wanker.

But this thread is not about OP roaring, it is about her husband telling her to 'get that in your thick ears', it is the other posters who are focusing on her reaction instead of his assault.

QueenOfPlagues · 27/02/2025 19:27

I grew up in a household where my mum would "roar"at my dad. I'm 34 years old now and if I hear people shouting in an argument it makes me feel physically sick. I work in a job where I am regularly faced with conflict and I can deal with that because I know to expect it, but when I'm being woken in the middle of the night by neighbours shouting at each other, or I see drunk people in the street yelling aggressively on the way home from a night out etc it takes me right back to being a child, sitting at the top of the stairs listening to mum screaming. My heart pounds and it actually makes my stomach hurt. It's easy to say "my kids won't be damaged, I'm teaching them to be strong in independent" but the reality is, you have no idea how it's going to affect them as they grow up, and that's why people are saying that the reaction is just as wrong as what caused it in the first place.

Quitelikeit · 27/02/2025 20:57

The thing is what did you actually do to make him say it?

No offence but y’know maybe you did something kind of ridiculous

I do come from a world where people might have said are you a bit thick? etc but it really wasn’t said with malice and most of the time they had a point 😂😂

I think the fact that you got so worked up is very telling too

The comment did not warrant roaring at someone imho

Its a shame he felt he needed to grovel too

happinessischocolate · 27/02/2025 21:25

@livelovelough24

But this thread is not about OP roaring, it is about her husband telling her to 'get that in your thick ears', it is the other posters who are focusing on her reaction instead of his assault.*

Oh so we can't call the OP out on her awful behaviour because that's not her original question?

His assault? Seriously? How is saying thick ears assault?

My parents and teachers used the terms thick ears, cloth ears, and numerous others during our childhood, but one thing they never did was roar at us until their throat hurt.

happinessischocolate · 27/02/2025 21:27

But this thread is not about OP roaring, it is about her husband telling her to 'get that in your thick ears', it is the other posters who are focusing on her reaction instead of his assault.

Oh so we can't call the OP out on her awful behaviour because that's not her original question?

His assault? Seriously? How is saying thick ears assault?

My parents and teachers used the terms thick ears, cloth ears, and numerous others during our childhood, but one thing they never did was roar at us until their throat hurt.

SallyWD · 27/02/2025 21:35

happinessischocolate · 27/02/2025 21:27

But this thread is not about OP roaring, it is about her husband telling her to 'get that in your thick ears', it is the other posters who are focusing on her reaction instead of his assault.

Oh so we can't call the OP out on her awful behaviour because that's not her original question?

His assault? Seriously? How is saying thick ears assault?

My parents and teachers used the terms thick ears, cloth ears, and numerous others during our childhood, but one thing they never did was roar at us until their throat hurt.

Exactly!!

WillIEverBeOk · 27/02/2025 22:06

Quitelikeit · 27/02/2025 20:57

The thing is what did you actually do to make him say it?

No offence but y’know maybe you did something kind of ridiculous

I do come from a world where people might have said are you a bit thick? etc but it really wasn’t said with malice and most of the time they had a point 😂😂

I think the fact that you got so worked up is very telling too

The comment did not warrant roaring at someone imho

Its a shame he felt he needed to grovel too

Wow, this is truly gaslighting and victim-blaming. "what did you do to MAKE him do it?" Give your head a wobble, you should be ashamed!

And I think the OP knows her husband and what tone he said it in.

biscuitsandbooks · 27/02/2025 23:38

But this thread is not about OP roaring, it is about her husband telling her to 'get that in your thick ears', it is the other posters who are focusing on her reaction instead of his assault.

Oh, FFS. Assault? Get a grip 🤣

Quitelikeit · 28/02/2025 07:24

@WillIEverBeOk

It is not gas lighting maybe she did something stupid?!

I mean you guys are the thought police now?

Some people do act slightly simple - telling them so is not really abusive - simply because 20 or so people have commented to say so. Most of them are probably single 😂😂

It is a massive alarm bell tho that she screamed at him for doing so and he was begging for forgiveness then came n here to spout her outrage

And you know what there are people on this board who will tell a wife, if her husband swears at her that’s is abusive, misogynistic, and he should be dumped etc

Quite frankly it’s ridiculous- he has apparently called her thick twice through the duration to f their relationship

I think the guy deserves a medal if that’s his only sins tbh especially if the op likes to roar 🦁 and I tell you if she likes to roar she is not that innocent! There’ll be more to her than that

StasisMom · 28/02/2025 08:42

Just told my DH that I hadn't slept well due to worrying about DS's PE socks so I got up at 530 to put them to dry, and of course he had clean pair all along in his drawer. DH called me an idiot. It was a joke, I know it was a joke as I know him, plus I am confident enough in my own intelligence to not feel threatened.

I agree with a PP that you feel insecure about your intelligence and perceive any slight as a huge deal. You were maybe exaggerating that your throat hurt and the neighbours heard when you roared at him. If not, I do agree that is an overreaction. As other have said, he has tried to apologise profusely and you are rejecting his apologies so I am not sure where you can go now? If he had made the comment and then doubled down by saying something like, "Well you are, you never listen and are thick", then I would understand far more where you are coming from.

Quitelikeit · 28/02/2025 09:38

@StasisMom

exactly but I bet if the op came on here and replaced his thick comment with the word idiot you’d still have the nutters coming out in force calling this guy all sorts

When actually she screamed at him.

I really would not want to be in a relationship that was dull, monotonous without any humour!

Plus if my dh is thinking I’ve been a bit thick I’d want to know about it and I wouldn’t punish him

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