Husband's comment- WWYD?

[ChitterChatter1987]

Husband made a comment to me just now- were having a disagreement about what to get daughter for her birthday and he said 'get that in your thick ears'.
I went absolutely mad at him because i will not have him thinking he can speak to me like that- currently upstairs trying to calm down.He tried to say sorry straight after but not having any of it i'm so angry....how would others react to such a comment? (This behaviour is out of character)

There is something about being told to ‘get it through your thick head/ears’ that would provoke me too, it goes beyond sharp words in the heat of the moment and towards contempt. When things calm down, a conversation about how you communicate sounds in order - arguing well is important as is keeping insults out of disputes.

OMG I cannot believe the posters who are now blaming you for reacting to your husband's insult. The other day I was reading a thread where a father called his ND son "fucking idiot" for spilling a glass of water and the number of people defending the father was appallingly high. I am speechless, honestly. Apparently it is ok to be "a little abusive", to be an asshole "sometimes", it "happens", what can you do, everyone looses it sometimes. Unbelievable!

OP, I am not saying you should leave your husband over this, but honestly, I have no idea how I would forgive and move on from an insult like this.

The over reactions for such a mild comment, seriously you all need to get a grip.

And has He ever “roared” at you?

Yep.

He just came up and tried to apologise again I said I'm not up for hearing it right now.He then tried to start saying sometimes I can be quite aggressive! I told him 'don't you dare turn this on me'

.....

Stop continuing the drama. He has apologised.

Thanks for your support....that's really sad about the other post as no parent should ever speak to a child that way.
So nasty and don't know how anybody can condone that.I know my DH would never say something like that to our children, but if he did I could never forgive him for that.

Sadly mumsnet and alot of society in general seem to think that insults should be laughed off or ignored, and people are 'overreacting' or the like if they actually dare to react defensively or feel strong emotions about being mistreated in those ways.See it all the time.

For those saying about how it's affecting my kids....I'd rather raise strong daughters who fight to be treated properly in relationships than passive ones who end up with abusive and controlling men.

Jesus. some of these responses 😂

OP, I say this in the nicest possible way, but what he said, although not nice, is not even close as to what some people could say. If he said it in the heat of the moment, he must have been wound up as well and without knowing the back story of why he said it, it’s hard to gauge an opinion.

muttering under your breath ‘fucking idiot’ is just as bad, actually it’s worse, and the fact that it’s under your breath, he heard it so it’s irrelevant to some degree if it was aimed at him or not. If you didn’t want him to hear what you said you would have said it whilst alone to yourself….

to be brutal, get over it. He immediately apologised and you said it rarely happens. Move on and forget about it.

I actually don’t think saying get it through your thick ears is calling you thick. It means your ears are thick - you’re not listening. It’s not calling you stupid. The same as thick skull. It means listen to what I’m saying and stop being obtuse

You haven't read my post properly....the 'fucking idiot' comment WAS said to myself in private.Upstairs, shut in my bedroom, out of his earshot.So he doesn't even know I said it.And no my kids didn't hear that either before anyone asks!

Yes people could say vastly more abusive things, but it was still nasty and unacceptable so doesn't excuse it.

However yes, we will move past it as like I said he has accepted the seriousness of it and apologised.

I think your both as bad as each other, get that into your thick ears was a comment I heard a lot from farms I worked on, when people were not listening or paying attention to something and having to be told over and over.
But reacting to screaming so loud that your throat hurts AND your children and possibly neighbours heard, is not a normal or proportionate response.

I hope you apologise for your reaction too, you can both take a lot away from it.

And no, I'm not taking away from his comment first, but your reaction was too much.

Over reaction of the year to scream and give yourself a sore throat over that. It makes you as bad tbh. Your children had to hear that.

^Been together 9 years and whilst we argue and bicker quite alot I'll admit, this has certainly crossed a line.
He just came up and tried to apologise again I said I'm not up for hearing it right now.He then tried to start saying sometimes I can be quite aggressive! I told him 'don't you dare turn this on me'^

I feel sorry for your children growing up in this shit show.

I don't need to tell you how damaged they will be by this as adults.

Take a deep breath and find a good therapist for yourself.

I would be furious OP and I would tell him to explain why he said that. I wouldn’t accept any waffle, exactly why he chose to use those words.

This is the really tricky part: you were antagonised, and you exploded. And unless you get to nip that talk of his once and for all, you’ll be the reactive, explosive one. Everybody needs a cool head to talk it through - what are the basic rules, no insults. Your reaction was unfortunately in earshot of the children, and you can’t let that happen again.

I would react by ignoring him for the rest of the evening and not bothering to make him any dinner or tea etc. I'm quite used to being spoken to like this so your reaction seems overly strong to me.

Wow OP talk about poor communication. I think it would help you to read your posts again when CALMER as right now you are on the defensive.

You 2 are in a relationship and you are showing your children what a relationship between a couple looks like.

You both are childish and immature in how you react.

I suggest you ask your partner if you can sit down and talk about what has happened. An apology is owed on both sides and that should be your starting point to discuss the issues in your relationship.

Look at it from a shouting match your children have just had, one has stormed off to their bedroom slamming doors as they go and the other child is pacing angrily downstairs.

What would you say to them?

Would you suggest a time out? To cool down & then to sit down and talk about what happened? Would you want to know why their conversation turned into a slanging match?

This is everything you would say & more because you don’t want them to be unhappy and you want them to understand what was so triggering that took a conversation from a 0 to a 100.

This is no different to how you need to address things with your partner rather than reacting in the manner that you did.

A bit of respect would go a long way as would taking accountability. You may want to get off your high horse because you don’t like the fact posters are honing in on your reaction. You lied to your daughter remember when you downplayed everything.

Seriously right now you both sound like children. As a couple your communication is poor and you both need to do better.

Remember we need to set a good example to our children of what is healthy in a relationship. Screaming, shouting and storming off are the exact opposite of that.

Posters projecting back on you - It’s likely to make you aware that if you are labelling your husbands one off name calling behaviour abusive, that you too are indeed abusive.

if I called my husband thick and he proceeded to scream at me so loud that the neighbours heard and his voice was hurting there would be uproar and everyone would say his behaviour was unacceptable.

You are trying justify your response, but it really isn’t justified. That’s why people keep saying it.

in this scenario you’ve over reacted,
you just needed to assertively tell not to insult you, how it made you feel, maybe throw in a consequence if it happens again. Not get aggressive/abusive. When the majority of responses are telling you this, you must see that you were wrong don’t you?

your husband’s profusely apologised,
yet you’ve come onto a public forum to chastise him further and seek validation? Because you don’t seem to keen to just say ‘I was wrong and will apologise too’ instead your saying your angry response was valid.

not healthy at all and this whole thread is very revealing

Roaring to scare your child and disturb the neighbours is just as bad as what he did.

"For those saying about how it's affecting my kids....I'd rather raise strong daughters who fight to be treated properly in relationships than passive ones who end up with abusive and controlling men."

@ChitterChatter1987

Is that what you think will happen by them growing up in that environment? That's actually really sad 😔

That's really sad.

Put the insult to one side for now. How did it get to that point, were you listening to what he had to say beforehand?
Personally I think you've over reacted, theres a lot worse insults,he apologised straight away. Take time to calm down and then you need to have a discussion about communication.

'Shrieking' is always an absolute clarion call to misogyny. Women are always 'shrieking' when we want to minimise the validity of their position. I can disagree with the OP without resorting to that.

I was thinking how bizarre that you're concerned that your children would be distressed if husband left the house, but YOU are prepared to scare the shit out of everyone by screaming. WTF?

Yep, I can't believe the overreaction. If my husband said that to me I'd be like "Erm, don't speak to me like that. It's extremely rude". He'd apologise and we'd move on.
The thought of roaring so loudly that I hurt my throat, scared my child and then ignoring my husband for the rest of the night- well, it's just absurd. What a way to behave.