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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he a psychopath?

127 replies

TerribleDecisions · 26/02/2025 17:59

I'm 5 months pregnant and I've been with my partner for 5 years. We got a cat and recently I noticed the cat is really scared of my partner. To the point where he doesn't come in the house when he is here (we don't fully live together). I have camera's in the house for the cat, when I'm not there but they were only on a live connection. I've started recording when motion is detected and I'm mortified at what I've seen.
My partner has been bullying, almost abusing my cat! He tries to coax him out of his bed with food and shakes it around. He poked him under the sofa with a curtain pole, vacuum pole and thrown water at him. Watching the footage, he looks obsessed with tormenting my poor cat, spending 20 minutes to half hour each time.
I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I want to confront him but I'm scared. If he can do that to a cat, what will he do to our baby? I don't trust him and don't want him around me.

How do I get out of this nightmare please?

OP posts:
Namerchangee · 27/02/2025 00:19

It’s a known fact that there are links between animal abuse and child abuse. Please seek some support to end this relationship OP.

MeganM3 · 27/02/2025 00:24

Reporting this to police and changing the locks won't be enough if he goes for access to the child.

My friend was in a horrifically violent relationship with the father of her child, who still got unsupervised access (eventually) and even the right to have the child every other Christmas Day. The family courts might not do the right thing.

You must do absolutely everything to protect you and the child. If you need to disappear, do it.

Mmhmmn · 27/02/2025 00:25

Jesus Christ OP.
Here’s the thing. Your cat is pretty much defenceless though it has claws and could scratch him if needed.
Your baby will be totally completely defenceless and cannot be left alone with him. Behaviour like that does escalate to abuse of humans. You can’t afford the risk of keeping that person around a minute longer. Change your locks once he’s gone.

cannynotsay · 27/02/2025 00:39

Omg if he doesn't this to the cat, what on earth would he do to the baby. Kick him out and file a police report

StrikeAlways · 27/02/2025 00:44

You are right to be concerned. It’s good that you are not living together. End it. After all, if you have to ask if he is a psychopath, you shouldn’t be around him.

moonsunandstars · 27/02/2025 00:45

Oh my God, what have I just read 🤮🤮🤮

KateTrain · 27/02/2025 04:52

This sounds horrific - so sorry, OP.

Struggling to understand why he would do this with a camera in the room though?

Bikergran · 27/02/2025 06:08

That's not almost abusing, that's abuse and it's vile. Change the locks, leave, whatever, get away from him, he is not a safe person to be around.

Zuve · 27/02/2025 06:21

Feeling are Facts. Plan carefully, get rid. Move on and never look back. Change your phone number. A clean break

dreamingofpalms · 27/02/2025 06:32

My friend is a child protection social worker and has said that there is a very strong link between cruelty to animals and then cruelty to children.
I'd end it OP for your own safety but also for that of your unborn child
Be very careful of him. All the best x

hattie43 · 27/02/2025 06:55

Such a red flag . Leave with your cat , if he's going that now what will he do to a child who really irritates him . Nasty bastard

Crateoflemsip · 27/02/2025 08:07

Astronautstar · 27/02/2025 00:14

That's why I used the word 'eventually'. Her concerns are unlikely to get her very far.

Show quote history

but @IFeelLikeChickenTonite has the right idea. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and he won’t have parental responsibility.

OP - don’t put him on birth certificate

thequeenoftarts · 27/02/2025 09:39

IFeelLikeChickenTonite · 26/02/2025 23:55

Are you serious? Why should the OP upend her whole life for this poor excuse of a man? Yes, change the locks, don't put him on the birth certificate, inform the police. That's all she needs to do ffs

Show quote history

Yes I am deadly serious @IFeelLikeChickenTonite . My reasons are as follows, even if she escapes, their child wont be able to, and if he is such a nasty piece of work he will take great delight in controlling her life for the next 18 years through that child. She will end up being taken to court countless times for whatever reasons, he WILL get guardianship and access, and she will always wonder if the poor child is safe in his care while he has it. He will play with them both like a cat does with a mouse, cos that's how he gets his kicks. This was not the first time he has hurt or tormented the poor cat, so she will never be able to leave her child for a single second without wondering if the child is okay.

Upending her life is one thing ,having it upended for her if he kills the child will be far worse, or if he spends 18 years torturing htem both mentally. Not putting him on the birth cert is very easily surmountable, all she is doing is delaying things there.

My friend is in such a relationship and it is awful to watch, he has no interest at all in the child, but does everything he can to cause trouble and spite the Mum just because he can. She cant move without him demanding full custody as that is his right, he makes the most ridiculous demands of them both and has them both jumping thru hoops to keep him happy. He is mentally and emotionally cruel to them both, not physically, but he sucks the soul from your body.

The OP has choices now but in 4 months time it wont be as easy to up and vanish, at the moment no one can stop her as there is only her, but once child is born, that's a whole other ball game.

Spidey66 · 27/02/2025 10:34

There is research that suggests those cruel to animals are likely to be cruel to vulnerable people eg babies. For that reason I'd get rid and not let him be alone with the baby, if at all. I'd lay off the amateur diagnoses though

MissDoubleU · 27/02/2025 10:38

Give police the evidence and never leave him alone with the baby. Run. Never let yourself be alone with him again either.

kellygoeswest · 27/02/2025 12:40

Please report him to the police and the RSPCA with your comments and the video evidence.

Daisy12Maisie · 27/02/2025 12:54

Report and do a Claire's law disclosure request as cruelty to animals is often linked to domestic abuse. If he has a past of abusive behaviour then let social services know due to your pregnancy. Courts do give access to abusive men but I would at least want it all documented and to be risk assessed etc.

Omgblueskys · 28/02/2025 15:33

Op are you OK, did you report him,

CoolPlayer · 28/02/2025 15:59

For a start I wouldn’t leave him alone with the cat ever again

crinkletits · 28/02/2025 16:13

Please don't let him have any access to the cat from now on and going forward when you split. I would break up with him and not tell him why as I suspect if it's an outdoor venturing cat it will meet a sticky end.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 28/02/2025 16:22

If someone ever mistreated my cat they would be out. If he can do that to an innocent animal he could do it to a baby.
I think you need to stop him coming round. It's not worth the risk.

Concernedcheeselover · 28/02/2025 17:34

Maxorias · 26/02/2025 18:30

Change that locks. Don't take the keys back as he could make copies. Leave him and hope he doesn't apply for custody... I'd leave him off the BC too.

Not having the dad on the birth cerficate is key. Do NOT put him down, he could make your life hell.

change your locks, he could make copies of the key otherwise.

finally, your cat is so lucky that you were attentive to how it was behaving and cared enough to film. 💐 as a cat lover, thank you. I hope you and kitty feel a lot better once this creep is out of your life.
dont let him put doubts in your mind and say “of course I wouldn’t do anything to my baby!”

Even if he doesn’t, kitty might get it bad one day 😞

oakleaffy · 28/02/2025 17:39

Astronautstar · 26/02/2025 19:07

This person will be able to get half of his time with your child eventually if he wants it.

I'm sorry to say this but I would be reconsidering the pregnancy.

Edited

I would, too.
This violent, cruel man will be connected to you is this pregnancy-
If you can’t terminate, for goodness sakes get you and the poor cat away from this sadist.

Astronautstar · 28/02/2025 21:27

oakleaffy · 28/02/2025 17:39

I would, too.
This violent, cruel man will be connected to you is this pregnancy-
If you can’t terminate, for goodness sakes get you and the poor cat away from this sadist.

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I have known a lady to terminate late because there was no other way to ensure her child would be safe. It's heartbreaking.

ZiggyZowie · 28/02/2025 21:41

Footage to RSPCA

And LTB

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