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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he a psychopath?

127 replies

TerribleDecisions · 26/02/2025 17:59

I'm 5 months pregnant and I've been with my partner for 5 years. We got a cat and recently I noticed the cat is really scared of my partner. To the point where he doesn't come in the house when he is here (we don't fully live together). I have camera's in the house for the cat, when I'm not there but they were only on a live connection. I've started recording when motion is detected and I'm mortified at what I've seen.
My partner has been bullying, almost abusing my cat! He tries to coax him out of his bed with food and shakes it around. He poked him under the sofa with a curtain pole, vacuum pole and thrown water at him. Watching the footage, he looks obsessed with tormenting my poor cat, spending 20 minutes to half hour each time.
I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I want to confront him but I'm scared. If he can do that to a cat, what will he do to our baby? I don't trust him and don't want him around me.

How do I get out of this nightmare please?

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 26/02/2025 20:30

I would have to be physically restrained around someone hurting my cat.

I once got in a big fight with a group of men abusing a dog. Thankfully the dog had a happy ending after I got him medical care and food. ❤️

Leave this man and protect yourself.

iluwn · 26/02/2025 20:33

Please take the cat somewhere safe immediately while you consider what to do about this shitbag. Have you got friends who could foster it for a couple of weeks?
You need to do this first of all to give yourself some time to think. I adopted a cat who was abused by the boyfriend of the previous owner and it's taken over 2 years of very hard work to get the cat anywhere near behaving normally and not being terrified of everything that moves.
Once the cat is safe you have some serious thinking to do. I would not want anyone who can treat an animal like that anywhere near a baby. I would have to get rid of the partner.

WatchingTheClowns · 26/02/2025 20:33

He's a horrible, cruel bastard. Get rid. Your poor cat cannot escape from the torment and terror. You can. Please finish with him and DON'T let him back into your house. Your cat is terrified.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/02/2025 20:33

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/02/2025 18:04

If you have footage of his abusing the cat I think it would be worth taking it to the police. Nothing might come of it - but at the very least it would be logged.

I was thinking his too .Also ask the police to have a word that he stays away.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/02/2025 20:35

@TerribleDecisions abusers are usually bad to animals it’s a question DV victims are asked .
Also they show their true colours once a women “is trapped “ with kids .

I think it’s best you end this now and don’t forget what you have seen.

WatchingTheClowns · 26/02/2025 20:36

I've always had cats, would never be with someone who ill-treated any animal. I took in a stray 5 months ago, he's a lovely cat but flinches every time anyone walks past whilst holding something (book, cup, plate, etc) because some bastard used to hit him. I could cheerfully strangle people like that.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/02/2025 20:42

LurkyMcLurkinson · 26/02/2025 19:46

There’s a reason one of the questions on the domestic abuse risk assessment is about animal abuse. I absolutely would end the relationship over this and wouldn’t be supportive of him having unsupervised contact with your child when they’re born. If you don’t fully live together I’d recommend waiting until he leaves, packing his stuff while he’s out and then contacting him saying you have seen how he’s treated the cat and telling where he can collect his possessions from, such as a friend’s house so he has no excuse to come to yours. I’d then arrange for a friend to stay with you or for you to stay away for a few days in case things blow up, and i’d be sure to change the locks and get a ring door bell. Once you’re safe you can evaluate whether you’ve missed any red flags in this relationship and whether you might benefit from some education around healthy relationships, such as doing the freedom programme online. I’d also let your midwife know what’s happening so they can support you and help if needed with ensuring you can focus on safely having this baby.

This is good advice
just don’t forget the police op and also if there has been any other abusive behaviour now your eyes are opened report that too.

Chunkilumptious · 26/02/2025 20:42

LilacRaven · 26/02/2025 18:12

Id record some more footage of him being cruel to the cat and then end the relationship. Wouldn't want someone like that around my child let along parenting them and teaching them right from wrong.

Keep recordings just incase things ever turn nasty and you need proof of his behaviour.

You sound lovely so please look after yourself and if you've got someone you can trust friend or family wise I'd confide in them.

Edited

Are you quite serious? You would use the cat as bait?

OP, what do you mean by you don't fully live together? Change the locks and cancel any plans. End the relationship and return any belongings. Inform the police.

OverthinkingOlive · 26/02/2025 20:42

He's a cunt and I wouldn't even dare write down what my reaction would be to this. Get rid of him, cuddle your poor cat and never see that fucker again!!! People who hurt animals are the scum of the earth. Bastard.

Clocloxx · 26/02/2025 20:43

That is extremely strange behavior.. would probably get worse and possibly start his cruel behavior on you or the baby.
I think you should confront him definitely

Glitchymn1 · 26/02/2025 20:45

Please rehome the cat if you intend to stay with that psycho. Call the rspca in the morning and show them the footage.

Never leave your baby with him.

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 26/02/2025 20:54

Wow. Yes dump him and stay safe. Lucky youve seen his behaviour when he thinks noone can see. If anyone hurt my animals on purpose I'd get police involved too.

Horses7 · 26/02/2025 20:56

They always start with defenceless animals…..

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 26/02/2025 20:57

Don't confront him. Just end the relationship however you can. Go and stay with friends or family for a while and change the locks. He's a psychopath.

Cattery · 26/02/2025 21:05

Utter bastard

RosesAreNice · 26/02/2025 21:05

Agree with pp. Find a safe way to end it and don't put him on the birth certificate.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 26/02/2025 21:08

I had an ex that I have mentioned many times on here. He was a psychopath.

When I left him, I had to go back to get some of my stuff.

His cat had had kittens and he didn't want them in the house so he had put them in the garden with the fire guard over them so they were trapped. It was minus four outside though so I took the kittens too. They were ice cold.

They survived but had I not gone there that evening to get my books and CDs they would have died.

He didn't care a rap about anything or anyone but himself but he was vindictive with it and used to work full time to make other peoples lives an utter misery.

I strongly advise you get security measures and then end the relationship with him OP and take extreme care. If you stay, you will never rest. This will haunt you all your days. If you confront, he will minimise this to the Nth degree and you won't know which way is up.

EnchantedForestNearTheRiver · 26/02/2025 21:09

Ring the police.

MaryGreenhill · 26/02/2025 21:12

Do not put this monster on your babies birth certificate OP

intergalacticplanetary · 26/02/2025 21:13

Jesus! As all previous posters have advised - get the fuck away from that psycho!

Animal abuse is always the pre-cursor to violence towards people. It is a massive red flag.

Keep you, you baby and your poor little kitty safe from that evil piece of shit and report him!

beadystar · 26/02/2025 21:19

What everyone else has said. Secure your home, make copies of the footage, tell the police, tell all your friends, and dump him, somewhere where he cannot be violent. In this case I would say phone. The name must not go on the birth certificate. Your poor little cat. You are lucky in a weird way to have found this out now.

StarDolphins · 26/02/2025 21:24

What a strange & unhinged bf you have. This would be a dealbreaker for me, what a totally strange thing to do. I would finish this relationship.

Cavello · 26/02/2025 21:25

Bloody hell - this is horrific! Good luck OP

Kittygolightlyy · 26/02/2025 21:25

TerribleDecisions · 26/02/2025 17:59

I'm 5 months pregnant and I've been with my partner for 5 years. We got a cat and recently I noticed the cat is really scared of my partner. To the point where he doesn't come in the house when he is here (we don't fully live together). I have camera's in the house for the cat, when I'm not there but they were only on a live connection. I've started recording when motion is detected and I'm mortified at what I've seen.
My partner has been bullying, almost abusing my cat! He tries to coax him out of his bed with food and shakes it around. He poked him under the sofa with a curtain pole, vacuum pole and thrown water at him. Watching the footage, he looks obsessed with tormenting my poor cat, spending 20 minutes to half hour each time.
I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I want to confront him but I'm scared. If he can do that to a cat, what will he do to our baby? I don't trust him and don't want him around me.

How do I get out of this nightmare please?

Dump him. Now. No ifs no buts.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12108563/

ERthree · 26/02/2025 21:26

YOU CAN NEVER LET THIS MAN NEAR YOUR CHILD. Please report this as you are going to need as much proof as you can get to keep your baby safe. This is not a one off. You have seen what he is, now believe it.

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