My husband is a 'Mean Girl'

[eyesrollingmama]

I've been married for 5 years this year and we have just had our second baby (8 weeks postpartum).
My husband is what i like to call a 'mean girl'. Like, he will pick out your flaws in a banter like manner and will make it funny. He talks like this to everyone and will say he is just saying the truth even if it can be harsh.
A bit of context, he is a female hairdresser so he is used to engaging in that bitchy type conversation (not that i ever do it, nor know any girls who do lol). He has a lot of friends who tell him he's a 'b*tch' but they all encourage him also. He is a very confident and cocky guy also.
So, this is the norm for him, but, as you can imagine it does start to get to you. He will constantly mention my appearing double chin or my squiggy tummy or criticise the way i find a safe place to park (which is bloody hard these days with all the different parking regs everywhere!). He will say i sit down all day (i'm breastfeeding!) he rarely says i look pretty, he will constantly say things like "when you loose weight...", "when you start taking care of yourself...".
Most of the time i ignore him, sometimes i poke fun back but other time it does really hurt and I go away and have a little cry.
Take this morning for example, in the car to drop off my son to nursery and then my husband to the train station. In the short space of 5 mins all i heard was comments about my appearance, my driving, then not stopping on a yellow line so he can run to the nursery quick. I snapped. I shouted for him to get our sons coat. Since then he has called me an animal for raising my voice and has given me the silent treatment.
He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it. He doesn't understand that i get incredibly overwhelmed sometimes and he criticises my snappyness.
Am i overacting here? Is this daily criticising normal in a marriage? Do I allow it because it his character?
Help me please, need some advice :)

He’s a bully. It’s that simple.

He talks like this to everyone and will say he is just saying the truth even if it can be harsh.

Anyone who says stuff like this is inevitably an ocean-going arsehole. They see themselves as fearlessly dishing out ‘facts’, when in reality they’re just going around blurting out completely unsolicited nasty, mean shit that nobody wants or needs to hear. It serves no purpose other than to hurt and is the trait of a vindictive bully - and they inevitably really, really don’t like hearing the truth when they get a dose of it in return.

The fact he treats you like this and reduces you to tears when you’re vulnerable and nursing a newborn is a mark of the man. And he is a grown man, not a ‘mean girl’. Trivialising his behaviour by not calling it what it is simply enables him to continue being a toxic fucker under the guise of ‘bants’.

I can't believe he is this horrible to you, but lovely with the DC.
If he's not abusive to them yet, he will be.
Or he'll recruit them to gang up against you will him and he'll weaponise their relationship with you.
You're screwed, I'd make plan to leave.

He sounds like an awful person OP!

I would be matching his insults. If I get one, he gets one. It’s only fair.

Surely that's stooping to his level, and creating more of a toxic atmosphere for young children? Men who are abusive like this don't stop because of "got you back" insults.

It’s sticking up for yourself! The view from the high ground ain’t that great when there’s a little man trying to tear you down. If he can’t take it, he shouldn’t be dishing it out.

ETA - I missed that there were children tbh!

He shouldn’t be given the benefit of the doubt because he’s a hairdresser and used to bitchy convo! He’s nasty because he chooses to be!

Well, we'll need to agree to disagree. I think verbally abusing and humiliating someone isn't a good way to live your life, not good for your mental health, and catastrophic for children.
I think she should take advice and get support to leave this man.

Lots of misogyny going on here! He's not a "mean girl" or a "bitch". He's a vile, abusive dickhead.

I agree with you. I’m not picturing them tearing each other apart! But being good at a bit of feisty banter can get you a long way.

Well, it doesn't sound to me like "feisty banter". She's 8 weeks postpartum and he's being vile about her appearance and behaviour.
Not bantz.

Why did you marry this man? And have 2 children with him?

Absolutely. Plus, reducing this kind of behaviour to "banter" makes it sound humorous and playful, rather than cruel and damaging.

He is a vile nasty abusive man.
That is who he is.
Have you family to go to?
Is so go.
Call Womens aid.
You are being bullied and abused.

Is he really going to change just because after he says your double chin is getting bigger that she says -and your dick is shrinking? Nah. He’s an abusive cunt and needs calling out. Doubling down on banter isn’t going to make him self aware because he doesn’t give a fuck as he’s been told by everyone but thinks it’s ok as he’s “just being honest”.

Yep same.

But you can change your mind at any time about being married to him if you now don't like it.

I was going to offer a tiny defence of the constant verbal put downs based on my own previous behaviour:

Years ago - think 15-20 years ago as a young adult - I was out with my sister and offering a running commentary on other people's appearance. My sister turned to me and said, "can you not say anything nice? It's getting quite draining." I was taken aback, and honestly I was deeply embarrassed. I'd thought I was being funny and with reflection, I had quite a few elements of "big personality", "she can dish it out but she can take it too", and "doesn't mince her words" that were covering some pretty huge personal insecurities.

My sister's reaction was a reality check and I was mortified. From that moment, I made a genuine effort to just STOP saying the first "funny" thing that came into my head, and I moved onto "is there anything nice I can say?".

Fast forward to now, I regularly stop people in the office or on the street to give a compliment. Colleagues and family members have told me that I always have a nice little boost or a thoughtful remark to offer, and that it is an ele;emt of my character that they appreciate. That makes me happier than being mean ever did.

My long-winded point being that, if it were a one-off and your husband was mortified and apologised profusely when you said "your comments hurt my feelings and make me feel insecure", he may have some insecurities of his own that were posioning the well, and that you should give him the chance to redress his behaviour.

However, given his reaction to you telling him that his words upset you, he is a bully who actually doesn't care, or maybe enjoys inflicting this hurt on you. I'd also listen carefully to PP who say "your kids are listening to this". Your children will learn that a) it is normal to speak so cruelly to and of others, and b) they themselves may be ugly/fat/stupid/boring/messy/dirty/whatever.

Who the fuck does this prick think he is? Get rid of him Ffs, and stop calling him a mean girl. He’s just plain abusive..

I’m really sorry your husband is being so unkind to you, that’s not ‘mean girl’ it’s abusive.

What are his good points?

What are all his flaws?

Was he always like this?

I do think the worst advice anyone can give to someone, adult or child, who is being bullied is to "think of some witty comebacks". It never works, and makes them worse.

Sounds exactly like how my friends ex treated her, including him being a hairdresser.

Not necessarily the case here, but it turned out she was his unwitting 'beard'.

He took his disgust out on her with 'funny' put downs all the time.

I should think the "silent treatment" would be a relief. He sounds vile.

No, it’s not normal and you’re not being unreasonable. He is just an unpleasant person. I couldn’t live with someone like that.

OP, there’s another thread I was just reading where someone was complaining their husband doesn’t understand how his behaviour makes her feel. Someone else posted to say he absolutely DOES understand; he just doesn’t care and isn’t interested in changing. That seemed like such a revelation to me. I think the same may be true in your case.
When I met my now DH, I remember my mum saying he was a good man. And he is. Your DH doesn’t sound good — or nice, or kind.