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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is a 'Mean Girl'

137 replies

eyesrollingmama · 25/02/2025 19:46

I've been married for 5 years this year and we have just had our second baby (8 weeks postpartum).
My husband is what i like to call a 'mean girl'. Like, he will pick out your flaws in a banter like manner and will make it funny. He talks like this to everyone and will say he is just saying the truth even if it can be harsh.
A bit of context, he is a female hairdresser so he is used to engaging in that bitchy type conversation (not that i ever do it, nor know any girls who do lol). He has a lot of friends who tell him he's a 'b*tch' but they all encourage him also. He is a very confident and cocky guy also.
So, this is the norm for him, but, as you can imagine it does start to get to you. He will constantly mention my appearing double chin or my squiggy tummy or criticise the way i find a safe place to park (which is bloody hard these days with all the different parking regs everywhere!). He will say i sit down all day (i'm breastfeeding!) he rarely says i look pretty, he will constantly say things like "when you loose weight...", "when you start taking care of yourself...".
Most of the time i ignore him, sometimes i poke fun back but other time it does really hurt and I go away and have a little cry.
Take this morning for example, in the car to drop off my son to nursery and then my husband to the train station. In the short space of 5 mins all i heard was comments about my appearance, my driving, then not stopping on a yellow line so he can run to the nursery quick. I snapped. I shouted for him to get our sons coat. Since then he has called me an animal for raising my voice and has given me the silent treatment.
He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it. He doesn't understand that i get incredibly overwhelmed sometimes and he criticises my snappyness.
Am i overacting here? Is this daily criticising normal in a marriage? Do I allow it because it his character?
Help me please, need some advice :)

OP posts:
80smonster · 25/02/2025 21:49

Your husband is a prick, not a mean girl.

YorkshireLawyer · 25/02/2025 21:51

He’s not a “mean girl”, he’s an abusive cunt.

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/02/2025 22:36

If you can't make him listen I'd play his game. Next time he comments I'd be inclined to respond with a light tone 'i canl lose the weight but you're still a prick' and then laugh. If he pulls make the point that every time he wants to make banter about your appearance etc re better get ready to accept it back. Tit for tat fir the bully. He's totally unacceptable and knows it and if he's being obtuse and pretending it's light-hearted then let him be on the receiving end

GoldenLegend · 25/02/2025 22:52

Make sure he doesn’t start on your kids. My father made snarky comments to me all through my childhood, minimised by my mother. I’ve been insecure all my life because of this.

LondonBlues · 26/02/2025 00:45

Ouch. What a nasty, nasty piece of work. This is verbal abuse. Couched as "joking" more than likely.

Not sure what you would do, as you're married with a family and joint commitments, but if this was a boyfriend situation, I'd be advising you to ditch him.

Certainly difficult for you. He should be loving and supportive. You just brought another miracle into the world for him. My God, not that anyone should be put on a pedestal as such, but us women literally suffer to bring life into the world. I would have a serious think, as someone else has said, about how life may look without him.

Do you have supportive family close by?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 26/02/2025 00:52

He’s a nasty bully.

He also sounds very like my hairdresser, who is very very gay. Make of that what you will.

researchers3 · 26/02/2025 00:55

Agree with PP. Not a mean girl, just a nasty twat.

gettingthehangofsewing · 26/02/2025 03:50

You know he's like this. Why did you think he would be different with you? Do you think he won't bully his children when they are older?

RickiRaccoon · 26/02/2025 04:04

Not at all normal.

I don't know if you can block your DH but certainly divorce him. He's a bully with serious issues. The personality does make him sound like some closet gays I've known who end up divorcing their wives when they come out after having affairs. He may not be of course but worth evaluating if he's maybe being mean to you and others because he is unhappy and repressing things.

pikkumyy77 · 26/02/2025 04:45

F

mjf981 · 26/02/2025 05:19

I couldn't be dealing with that.
Snap. Tell him exactly what you think. Get angry. Give him one chance. If he doesn't change - get your ducks in a row.

Kiwi83 · 26/02/2025 05:30

He's an abusive arsehole I'd get rid of xx

MustardGlass · 26/02/2025 05:41

His comments and then his silent treatment are a way to manipulate and control you.

DeepRoseFish · 26/02/2025 05:59

This is emotional abuse OP. He’s belittling you. It’s about being in control and having the power in the relationship.

Waterlilysunset · 26/02/2025 06:00

I understand why you described him as a mean girl OP, because it’s a bitchy burn book type insult.

  • firstly not to blame you but most people would have shut him down in the first few instances and told him to stop. He’s now been doing this a while and it’s entrenched behaviour
  • i agree you need to write a text or a letter and explain why this behaviour is not okay and you will not be tolerating
  • you interrupt him now every time he speaks like this and say no this isn’t how you talk to me. Every time. Even if it’s hundreds of times a day. You’ve got to.

you try this and consistently and give it a limited time period. Otherwise it’s marriage conselling and if not then LTB

eyeeyeeyeeyeeye · 26/02/2025 06:01

Erm he's abusive op. Not a mean girl, that suggests he's a childish bully. He is a bully, but as an adult they're called abusers !

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 26/02/2025 06:04

Bringing a female trait into your description of his hideous behaviour is ......what? You attempting to minimise his atrocious personality?

He's a male nasty bully.

If he wouldn't say to a man, his mother, his co-workers or his boss, the things he is saying to you. It is designed to be hurtful to you as a person.

You don't need to know anything else really.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 26/02/2025 06:04

He sounds like a 14 year old. What a knobhead! Shame you married him, but it's not too late to ditch him.

Before long he'll either turn on your child or enlist them in his bullying campaign. I don't think someone like that will change.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 26/02/2025 06:07

I meant to add, the more upset you get, the more he loves it.

Run. You should have done so a long time ago. Every minute you tolerate this, you are validating this monster.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2025 06:14

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 26/02/2025 06:07

I meant to add, the more upset you get, the more he loves it.

Run. You should have done so a long time ago. Every minute you tolerate this, you are validating this monster.

Exactly. He’s doing this to you because he can. He sees it as fun, a sport. And you are just his puppet. You should just take it. And if you don’t, bonus. He really gets his kicks then.

I don’t see how you can reset this without separating. Because even if you tell him he’s negging you and it stops now, my guess is he will go full on sarcastic and laugh at you.

If you were to separate then he stoped with the negging and you get back together, maybe this would last. But you’d always have to be on top of it. Always be at the top of your game. And never be ill, vulnerable etc as this would be a way in to restart his nasty game.

LeticiaMorales · 26/02/2025 06:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2025 20:15

Stop minimising his behaviour with a sexist phrase.

He's emotionally abusive and you should plan to leave.

This x 100.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 26/02/2025 06:18

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2025 06:14

Exactly. He’s doing this to you because he can. He sees it as fun, a sport. And you are just his puppet. You should just take it. And if you don’t, bonus. He really gets his kicks then.

I don’t see how you can reset this without separating. Because even if you tell him he’s negging you and it stops now, my guess is he will go full on sarcastic and laugh at you.

If you were to separate then he stoped with the negging and you get back together, maybe this would last. But you’d always have to be on top of it. Always be at the top of your game. And never be ill, vulnerable etc as this would be a way in to restart his nasty game.

Show quote history

This. PPs that suggest counselling for this are wrong IMHO.

The only way to handle this is to leave without telling him why you have done so.

It's not your job to 'launder' a human like this and besides, once he has lost the seventh, eighth, ninth relationship, he might begin to realise the issue is him and not you (and the others).

There is nothing you can do about pathological behaviour like this bar get away from it's orbit. He will destroy you if you stay.

Sunshineofyourlove · 26/02/2025 06:19

What an asshole. Imagine him speaking to your DC like that. He will, when they are older. My dad was like this and it led to a lifetime of body issues and eating disorder for me and my sister

PandaPeacock · 26/02/2025 06:20

Oh my goodness. How do you stand bring around the constant negativity? It must be so draining.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 26/02/2025 06:22

Read the book about the freedom programme, living with the dominator. You'll find him in there.

What's his reaction like if you cry?

Get free girl x