My husband is a 'Mean Girl'

[eyesrollingmama]

I've been married for 5 years this year and we have just had our second baby (8 weeks postpartum).
My husband is what i like to call a 'mean girl'. Like, he will pick out your flaws in a banter like manner and will make it funny. He talks like this to everyone and will say he is just saying the truth even if it can be harsh.
A bit of context, he is a female hairdresser so he is used to engaging in that bitchy type conversation (not that i ever do it, nor know any girls who do lol). He has a lot of friends who tell him he's a 'b*tch' but they all encourage him also. He is a very confident and cocky guy also.
So, this is the norm for him, but, as you can imagine it does start to get to you. He will constantly mention my appearing double chin or my squiggy tummy or criticise the way i find a safe place to park (which is bloody hard these days with all the different parking regs everywhere!). He will say i sit down all day (i'm breastfeeding!) he rarely says i look pretty, he will constantly say things like "when you loose weight...", "when you start taking care of yourself...".
Most of the time i ignore him, sometimes i poke fun back but other time it does really hurt and I go away and have a little cry.
Take this morning for example, in the car to drop off my son to nursery and then my husband to the train station. In the short space of 5 mins all i heard was comments about my appearance, my driving, then not stopping on a yellow line so he can run to the nursery quick. I snapped. I shouted for him to get our sons coat. Since then he has called me an animal for raising my voice and has given me the silent treatment.
He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it. He doesn't understand that i get incredibly overwhelmed sometimes and he criticises my snappyness.
Am i overacting here? Is this daily criticising normal in a marriage? Do I allow it because it his character?
Help me please, need some advice :)

He understands perfectly. Notice he didn’t laugh it off when you were upset- he got mad! He cares very much what you say. Message him I don’t want to be with someone who constantly belittles me. I won’t laugh it off. Unless you can actually be nice to me our little family is done.

Wow OP, that's really not normal in a loving relationship.

He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it. He doesn't understand that i get incredibly overwhelmed sometimes and he criticises my snappyness.

Oh he understands perfectly. How his words affect you is entirely the point of them. He is more than mean he is horrible and abusive to the woman who just gave birth to his child.

And the absolute cheek of him critisizing your for reacting to a barage of abuse from him.

Honestly, I would tell him he needs to move out while you assess whether you want to continue with the marriage. While you are apart he needs to get some therapy. Personally I'd just ditch him. He doesn't like you - sorry OP - and I certainly can't understand why you like him.

That sounds like hell. Actual hell instead of the safe space he is supposed to be.

Hes not a mean girl he's emotionally abusive. If it's part of his personality and he can't recognise how damaging it is to you then your should consider leaving.
I can't believe that you've given him two children and all he cares about is you getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight

He's a not a 'mean girl' ffs. That's massively downplaying this.

He's a bully. Like most bullies, his behaviour had been enabled and encouraged by unpleasant people who find it amusing (when it's not directed towards them).

He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it

He DOES understand OP. He simply doesn't care.

Bullies, abusive, twisted, sadistic, or narcissistic people are like that. They are low in empathy and take a sadistic pleasure in cruelty, in upsetting others. Some of them have low self-esteem and enjoy taking others down a peg or two in order to soothe or puff up their own egos or sense of self-worth.

@WitcheryDivine She can try, but it likely won't work. This behaviour is deeply ingrained and comes from the fact he knows the effect it has on people - that's why he does it!

Most of the time i ignore him, sometimes i poke fun back but other time it does really hurt and I go away and have a little cry

I feel sorry for you, that you' haven't had the emotional support or guidance to recognise this behaviour sooner, before you had children with him. I also feel sorry for his child, and they too will likely mimic this behaviour and be subject to this emotional abuse themselves.

OP, there should be no need to ignore a partner, or resort back with similar jibes, or defend yourself in some way. Such a man is NOT on your side. I'm wondering if you even know what that feels like.

He is a mean girl. If you substitute the word girl with cunt and mean with abusive.

This isn’t normal or funny or ‘mean girl’. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And it’s abusive.

This is verbal and emotional abuse. I know, because I put up with exactly the same for 24 years before I finally got out. I tried to ignore it, but it destroyed my self esteem. Please don't make excuses for this behaviour.

He's an asshole.

He’s a nasty bastard!

I think, pick him up, carry him out of the salon and plop him in a typically male dominated trade (plumber/electrician/engineer etc.) and he wouldn’t be called a mean girl or a bitch, he’d be called a bully and a dickhead.

It’s abnormal to constantly pick faults in anybody but so much worse to do so to your partner and the mother of your children?

As well as slowly crushing your confidence and self-esteem, the pair of you are teaching your child/ren that this weird, toxic relationship behaviour is something for them to strive for.
I say the pair of you because you are somewhat tolerant of it (even if it’s for show/to save an argument).

He either needs to get a grip and stop or you have to remove him.

Of course he understands how it makes you feel, that's why he does it!

He's 'negging' you. He's undermining your self worth so that you put up with all his shit because you don't think you're worth more.

He's a tosser. You are worth more. Tbh, I wouldn't even give him chance to change, I'd just divorce him.

Have a read of this, my guess is it will all feel very familiar...

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging

Tell Mr Teasy-Weasy to fuck off.

If anything you are underreacting. He is persistently negging you and then subjecting you to further abuse by ignoring you. He isn’t ’mean girl’ he’s a nasty abusive bully.

Has he always been like this? If so why marry him and have 2 kids?

Mean girl? He’s a cunt.

Your husband is not a 'girl'. He's an adult man. He chooses to spend his precious time with his wife undermining her, slating her, and knocking her confidence. Trouble is, you've put up with it and even taken it as him being like a woman. It's not acceptable behaviour but the only way to make that clear is to ensure that you 'know' in your core that it's not ok, that its not acceptable to you, and that you won't put up with it. Otherwise, you will just let him destroy you, in in order to feel good about himself. He is not a nice man.

What on earth attracted you to him in the first place? He sounds horrid.
Are you going to laugh along when he does that to your children?

Em I think the word you're looking for is "abusive".

How supportive are your own family here?. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and a Solicitor asap to find out about all aspects of divorcing him. Knowledge here is power.

Plan your exit from this abusive marriage with due care and attention.

DO NOT ever undertake any form of joint counselling with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue and besides which it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

For the love of god, show yourself some respect. He's an arsehole of a partner.

He's not a mean girl OP, he's a cruel bully. What he's doing is NOT normal in a marriage - your partner should be your biggest cheerleader and the person who picks you up when you're down and encourages you and who is kind to you. He should not be critical of your appearance and making you feel upset and sad.

I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't know how his comments affect you. He knows very well that he's being cruel and nasty, he just doesn't care that he upsets you. This is not love.

I'm wondering if he's always been like this and what attracted you in the first place?

I don't say leave the bastard lightly, especially with 2 such young children, but I fear that if you stay with him he will grind your self esteem down to nothing ☹️

My husband does banter. He literally makes fun of me for everything from my toes to my earlobes. What he does not do is make fun of me for anything I'm actually even remotely self conscious about because those are the things he is building me up about. This is because we are a team and we love each other.

Your husband is not bantering, he is bullying.

Well he has to be a complete idiot not to understand how it might make you feel. So his position is he can say what he likes in ‘banter’, you are not allowed to react even if it upsets you and if you do react he can’t engage with the reasons why and instead gives you the silent treatment. Sorry but that’s ridiculous for a grown man. Mean is a tame word, I think his behaviour is cruel. Your partner is supposed to build you up not tear you down. Good natured teasing is one thing but this sounds unpleasant and unkind. If he really doesn’t get that and is unwilling to consider a perspective other than his own, you might need to consider your options.