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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is a 'Mean Girl'

137 replies

eyesrollingmama · 25/02/2025 19:46

I've been married for 5 years this year and we have just had our second baby (8 weeks postpartum).
My husband is what i like to call a 'mean girl'. Like, he will pick out your flaws in a banter like manner and will make it funny. He talks like this to everyone and will say he is just saying the truth even if it can be harsh.
A bit of context, he is a female hairdresser so he is used to engaging in that bitchy type conversation (not that i ever do it, nor know any girls who do lol). He has a lot of friends who tell him he's a 'b*tch' but they all encourage him also. He is a very confident and cocky guy also.
So, this is the norm for him, but, as you can imagine it does start to get to you. He will constantly mention my appearing double chin or my squiggy tummy or criticise the way i find a safe place to park (which is bloody hard these days with all the different parking regs everywhere!). He will say i sit down all day (i'm breastfeeding!) he rarely says i look pretty, he will constantly say things like "when you loose weight...", "when you start taking care of yourself...".
Most of the time i ignore him, sometimes i poke fun back but other time it does really hurt and I go away and have a little cry.
Take this morning for example, in the car to drop off my son to nursery and then my husband to the train station. In the short space of 5 mins all i heard was comments about my appearance, my driving, then not stopping on a yellow line so he can run to the nursery quick. I snapped. I shouted for him to get our sons coat. Since then he has called me an animal for raising my voice and has given me the silent treatment.
He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it. He doesn't understand that i get incredibly overwhelmed sometimes and he criticises my snappyness.
Am i overacting here? Is this daily criticising normal in a marriage? Do I allow it because it his character?
Help me please, need some advice :)

OP posts:
LeticiaMorales · 26/02/2025 06:23

Please listen to posters on here. I'm going to repeat it again - he is not a "mean girl".
Don't minimise or diminish the bullying and abuse of an adult male, by using these misogynistic tropes.
You need to take advice and you need to decide what kind of future you want for yourself and your children.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 26/02/2025 06:28

Send him a card - post it to his work and write down how he makes you feel and your concerns about your children being around this behaviour. Reading it away from you and in a different environment will shock him. He also can’t answer back and will take time to absorb it (hopefully). Congratulations on your little one.x

Toddlerteaplease · 26/02/2025 06:29

He sounds awful.

category12 · 26/02/2025 06:34

Imagine the damage he'll do to your child's self-esteem with this "banter" throughout childhood and their teens. 😞

LeticiaMorales · 26/02/2025 06:35

Also, him being a women's hairdresser isn't an excuse. It just falls into the "women are bitches" stereotype. It's not his job, it's his behaviour.

Pinkissmart · 26/02/2025 06:43

He’s a complete dick who knows what he’s doing.

He is speaking to the mother of his child like that in front of that child? How utterly vile.

I wonder how long it would be before every person in the house talks to you like that?
How sad.

Blobbitymacblob · 26/02/2025 06:43

Are you ok, op?

It must be hard seeing words like “emotional abuser” in black and white. You’re at such a vulnerable point in your life too.

Years ago I posted about something happening to me, that I wasn’t able to properly name, but MNetters could and did, and I remember how shattering it was for me to see those words in print.

The support and recognition I found here was invaluable in scraping my self worth back together and eventually making the changes I needed to.

We’re here for you.

PauliesWalnuts · 26/02/2025 06:46

I’d write it all down. Over the period of 24 hours write the time and what he said - every nice thing and every nasty thing, in two columns. And then I’d present it to him and ask him why he does it.

Diningtableornot · 26/02/2025 06:48

Why call him a girl - have you picked up his misogyny?

Kindling1970 · 26/02/2025 06:50

I had an ex like this. Would comment and put me down constantly and I realised it because he had low self esteem so made me feel shit so I wouldn’t leave for someone better. Took me years to realise it was abuse. Speak to him and tell him to stop as he may not realise the hurt he is causing you if it’s his personal

MummaMummaMumma · 26/02/2025 06:50

He's a nasty bully.
Has he always been this awful to you?

ThreeMagicNumber · 26/02/2025 07:02

He is an absolutely bully, as has already been said. My dad is like this with my step mum and me and my siblings pull him up for it every time, as do our children.

Constantly digging her out but hiding it as banter. Talking about her weight, cooking, how lazy she is - the list goes on. He never ever gives her compliments. It's actually really horrible and after over a decade she's starting to have enough of it and told me she's going to give him a ultimatum or leave. It won't stop, it's the reason my mum left him 37 years ago and I doubt it will for you, sorry.

Look after yourself and please don't stay if you are going to end up a shadow of yourself due to him, you deserve better. Expecially after just having a baby.

LongDarkTeatime · 26/02/2025 07:02

Record him and play it back to him

Pinkissmart · 26/02/2025 07:11

OP
Don’t send him a text, or a card. Don’t record him and don’t do the same to him to ‘see how he likes it’.
Time to stop playing games here. Your children are growing up witnessing this.

Sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him that he has to stop. Immediately. Tell him it is not funny and it is wearing you down. Tell him that you both are setting a terrible example for your children and it must stop. And that if he doesn’t, you will be reconsidering any future you may have together.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/02/2025 07:17

eyesrollingmama · 25/02/2025 19:46

I've been married for 5 years this year and we have just had our second baby (8 weeks postpartum).
My husband is what i like to call a 'mean girl'. Like, he will pick out your flaws in a banter like manner and will make it funny. He talks like this to everyone and will say he is just saying the truth even if it can be harsh.
A bit of context, he is a female hairdresser so he is used to engaging in that bitchy type conversation (not that i ever do it, nor know any girls who do lol). He has a lot of friends who tell him he's a 'b*tch' but they all encourage him also. He is a very confident and cocky guy also.
So, this is the norm for him, but, as you can imagine it does start to get to you. He will constantly mention my appearing double chin or my squiggy tummy or criticise the way i find a safe place to park (which is bloody hard these days with all the different parking regs everywhere!). He will say i sit down all day (i'm breastfeeding!) he rarely says i look pretty, he will constantly say things like "when you loose weight...", "when you start taking care of yourself...".
Most of the time i ignore him, sometimes i poke fun back but other time it does really hurt and I go away and have a little cry.
Take this morning for example, in the car to drop off my son to nursery and then my husband to the train station. In the short space of 5 mins all i heard was comments about my appearance, my driving, then not stopping on a yellow line so he can run to the nursery quick. I snapped. I shouted for him to get our sons coat. Since then he has called me an animal for raising my voice and has given me the silent treatment.
He doesn't understand how his words affect me, no matter how i try to explain it. He doesn't understand that i get incredibly overwhelmed sometimes and he criticises my snappyness.
Am i overacting here? Is this daily criticising normal in a marriage? Do I allow it because it his character?
Help me please, need some advice :)

It’s not bitchy-let’s call it what it is; it’s abuse pure and simple and he’s a cunt. He’s abusing you when especially at this time he should be over protective.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 26/02/2025 07:18

OP, you have to also consider what it is in him that this behaviour is venting.

Do you really want to be with someone that has a black area in their soul so large that this venting is the result?

It's yourself you need to be asking questions of, not him. You will get FA from him.

Nellsbell · 26/02/2025 07:18

I would write it out in a message and send it. If he doesn’t like it or refuses to change you have your answer. You have a baby he should be caring for you not putting you down. This behaviour would be a complete turn off for me.

NewtonsCradle · 26/02/2025 07:20

I don't necessarily think he's aware of the effect he's having, I think he thinks it is just 'banter' because he's not on the receiving end of it. As he works in a female environment maybe he misses having male communication which can be brutal and just rolls off some men because they match insults with insults. Before you decide to pay a solicitor/get divorced etc it might be worth communicating differently? Plan your responses in advance, so next time he says you have a double chin tell him his chins wobble when he talks, then laugh and change the topic. If you do this for a week or two you will have changed the way you talk to each other. If he then seeks out other ways to hurt you, then you know it's deliberate and can take action accordingly.

101Nutella · 26/02/2025 07:22

So sorry you’re going through this.
Your body is better than his will EVER BE - you can grow whole new lives AND keep them alive by sharing your nutrients doing breastfeeding. It’s amazing what your body has done. He should be in awe of the sacrifice you have made and continue to make for HIS child.

he is toxic and abusive to pick in your appearance post partum. Read him the riot act or dump him before your child learns this as normal behaviour and either joins in or becomes victim of it when they date.

your worth as a person is not linked to how many chins you have. You deserve love and respect even if you have changed body shape. You’ve got my respect for what you’re doing. Bf is so many hours (nearly same as a full time job) in itself so it’s a sacrifice/dedication and you’re doing the best u can and a great job @eyesrollingmama

CoralHare · 26/02/2025 07:24

This is really weird and upsetting. Has he always been like this?

Trixiefirecracker · 26/02/2025 07:25

This is so sad that you have to ask if this is okay o not. You are supposed to be in a loving relationship. No, it’s not normal.

RaveToTheGrave1 · 26/02/2025 07:29

He sounds gay as hell if I'm honest.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 26/02/2025 07:29

I'm so sorry, OP.

My XH was a bit like this, but not as bad as you're describing. It wasn't constant, but he could be very critical and it got worse over time. He was always quite direct and blunt with people he knew well, but generally got away with it as 'banter' and mostly stopped short of being cruel although sometimes went too far when he'd been drinking.

He was mostly critical of other people, e.g. on TV, people we knew (behind their backs, to me). He would criticise their appearance, diet, or life choices and talk about how we did things better. Basically trying to make himself feel superior.

Gradually, this criticism about other people was extended to me. Again, not constant, but it really affected my confidence. So I imagine it's much worse for you if it's daily. I remember once going shopping and coming home with £300 of clothes so that I could try them on at home (after already trying on in the shops) and return anything he didn't like, because I found it stressful if I had spent an afternoon shopping for something and then he hated it. He would say "is that what you're wearing today?" And I'd feel shit and get changed.

Anyway. I should have left him over this and other stuff. But I didn't. In the end, he left me to come out as gay. I'm not saying your husband is gay, though it did occur to me as a possibility. I think my XH had a lot of internalised homophobia and it made him feel better to put other people down. He's never actually said the words "I am gay" to me. He listed other reasons why he couldn't be married to me anymore. I think he told himself that the problem was me (not him) because I was lazy, didn't take care of my appearance and so on.

Your husband sounds very insecure about something. He makes himself feel better by criticising other people. Maybe he doesn't realise how that comes across. If you tell him and he doesn't listen and act on what you're saying then leave. It will be damaging to you and your children.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 26/02/2025 07:34

BTW, I don't think being mean makes someone "gay as hell" and that kind of stereotype is why some people, like my ex, look around and tell themselves they're not gay because they're not effeminate, flamboyant or [insert stereotype].

My friends and acquaintances who have always been openly not straight are generally lovely people. In my XH's case, I think the pretending to be someone he wasn't contributed to him being mean. But as a good friend said to me during my divorce, "he's not being horrible because he's gay, he's being horrible because he's a knob".

LeticiaMorales · 26/02/2025 07:36

Pinkissmart · 26/02/2025 07:11

OP
Don’t send him a text, or a card. Don’t record him and don’t do the same to him to ‘see how he likes it’.
Time to stop playing games here. Your children are growing up witnessing this.

Sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him that he has to stop. Immediately. Tell him it is not funny and it is wearing you down. Tell him that you both are setting a terrible example for your children and it must stop. And that if he doesn’t, you will be reconsidering any future you may have together.

This ⬆️. You will need to be clear.
No childish games or tit for tat, or cards that he can put in the bin.