Weird date

[rubberduck68]

So… had a third date last night. I like him; funny, bright, well dressed. We are both mid-fifties and met on Hinge. Went for dinner and he said that he is “wired a bit differently”, and when I asked what that meant he said he’s “a bit odd.” It was delivered with a kind of boyish charm; you know like he thought it might be cute? It turns out he’s diagnosed himself (or his ex-did who is some kind of counsellor) as being “Aspie” – his words. I thought we weren’t saying that anymore? He went on to say, “I’m probably not very good at relationships,” with a wink. Putting aside that winks give me the ick, I was thrown by his honesty and can’t decide if it’s self-awareness, or a warning that he’s going to be a nightmare! NB: have friends on autism spectrum in great relationships so I am not worried or judging about that, it’s more his language that has given me pause. Am I over-reacting?

He’s telling you I’m mad me. Depends whether you’re into that or not

Sounds like he's setting his cards out that he's going to be difficult and if you don't like it he'll turn round and say well I did tell you. In my experience ND tend to get on well with other ND, but that doesn't mean ND/NT can't work with a bit of effort. I think there's more to worry about here than ND. He may be using that as an excuse for potential bad behaviour or some sort of interest in things that may be unusual I suspect.

If you otherwise like him, I'd consider if this was just a slightly clumsy way of introducing to you that he might be autistic.
Bearing in mind that problems with social communication are a key diagnosis feature.
A lot of older people have never been assessed or diagnosed but his ex may well be right.
My DD is autistic and she finds subtlety in communication hard to read and understand. Speak plainly to him if you want to know more - or yell him not to wink!

He may be using that as an excuse for potential bad behaviour or some sort of interest in things that may be unusual I suspect
This too though

Yep this is what I'd think

Sounds like a psycho. Get rid.

What type of things, like weird sex stuff?!

I would run a mile. Self obsessed

He does sort of talk in stories rather than fluidly, like I would say something then he'd reply with a story about him that is similar, but not really ask me about my story much or engage that way, if that makes sense?

That makes sense and is (as far as I understand it) fairly typical ASD conversation.
It's not a sign that he's self absorbed (which if NT might be the case) but he is mirroring your behaviour - you tell a story - he tells a story.

Ah, that makes sense, thanks. His stories are really good BTW, he's funny and clever and has lead an interesting life BUT what he said last night and the way he said it has bothered me and I can't quite work out which lane to get in.

Very unsatisfying for the other person though. And tbh lots of NT men are like this- extremely poor at emotionally intelligent engaged conversation/communication. I wouldn't waste my time.

Very unsatisfying for the other person though. And tbh lots of NT men are like this- extremely poor at emotionally intelligent engaged conversation/communication. I wouldn't waste my time.

I think there's 2 things to consider - if he is ASD that will have some impact - hard to say what without knowing him and secondly your fundamental instinct about whether this feels right for you. You don't owe anyone a relationship and can decide this isn't for you for any reason.
I obviously love my DD to bits and she's smart and funny and amazing in many ways - I suspect dating her to be a very different thing!

Very unsatisfying for the other person though. And tbh lots of NT men are like this- extremely poor at emotionally intelligent engaged conversation/communication. I wouldn't waste my time.

perhaps the funny clever witty stories and his demeanour at the time is his ‘party piece’ or the extent of his repertoire? now he is relaxing and will show you the real
him?
who knows what he is really like, it isn’t easy getting to know someone under artificial circumstances is it

That is interesting, I’ve often wondered what lurks behind the label “eccentric”! I was uncomfortable with “Aspie” too, and winking being conspiratorial, I hadn’t thought of that, I always see it as a bit sexist but can’t quite put my finger on why. Otherwise he has good general manners; the online chat was funny, courteous with no sex references, and good table manners, very polite to bar and waiter staff (which I always look for), walked kerbside and held open the door (I don’t care about that stuff, but he did it.)

yes, or as OLD talk calls it, "the mask is slipping", perhaps? It's interesting when I read "party piece" I got a kind of shiver, maybe you are onto something there, something performative and a bit over the top, thinking about it. Thank you.

Obviously could be completely wrong but I spent a bit of time on the dating scene and when a guy said he was "a bit different" it normally referred to sex or a strange interest eg. the occult 😳. You'd need to dig a bit deeper, but he'll probably be more than happy to expand if you show an interest. You can then leg it afterwards!

This is embarrassing to admit, but I have found online dating in my fifties to be so dreadful. I've had some horrible experiences, and I think because he seemed like a diamond in the dust, I am probably hoping that what he said is not going to change that, but it's out there now, and reading these comments I wonder if I am possibly trying to polish a turd?

This is a ND trait. I would tell a similar story to show someone I was engaged in what they were saying and to show that I understand and empathise with you re whatever situation. As I have become more aware of this 'trait' I am trying to do it less as I now know it looks as though I just want to turn the conversation to me. I promise it's not selfishness; it's how I thought conversation happened! It's all a learning curve!

Regarding him declaring he's not normal, I wouldn't run for the hills yet. But if it turns out he is using his diagnosis as a get-out for even bothering to make an effort with important social norms then at that point I'd be off. I know some absolutely lovely people with ASD/ADHD who use the diagnosis to understand themselves better and to put things in place to help them work WITH their neurodivergence. It's problematic if a diagnosis is seen as a passport to not treat others with consideration.

He said he’s not good with relationships and you should believe him.

I also think he should have told you he was nd from the start.

@rubberduck68 you say you have friends who are autistic but its very different if you have an intimate relationship with someone who is autistic. Your response and concern comes across as not experienced in this respect. First, he can label himself how he wishes, although aspergers is not a term used clinical and for some does have negative consequences, there are also many who find the word empowering/reflective of there own lived experience. Also beat in mind this label was put on him, so not necessarily one he'd choose. Second, sometimes there can be differences in how NT and ND people communicate, but this can be worked through. Third, ime I would be more interested in how he feels about the label/diagnosis and whether there has been some proactiveness on his part to learn more about it. I say this because sadly I have seen that for those who don't get support, they can struggle more with relationships because of these differences. Fourth, I was struck with how he told you, almost defensive? With sadness? Sometimes the label is weaponized to mean something negative. There's so many more but I don't want to bombard you!

It isn't that. It's about showing we understand what you're saying by sharing a similar story. We enjoy that type of conversation because we're learning something. Often I even have a book or a YouTube video to share that relates to what's being said. That may not be the case for all of us though.