Weird date

[rubberduck68]

So… had a third date last night. I like him; funny, bright, well dressed. We are both mid-fifties and met on Hinge. Went for dinner and he said that he is “wired a bit differently”, and when I asked what that meant he said he’s “a bit odd.” It was delivered with a kind of boyish charm; you know like he thought it might be cute? It turns out he’s diagnosed himself (or his ex-did who is some kind of counsellor) as being “Aspie” – his words. I thought we weren’t saying that anymore? He went on to say, “I’m probably not very good at relationships,” with a wink. Putting aside that winks give me the ick, I was thrown by his honesty and can’t decide if it’s self-awareness, or a warning that he’s going to be a nightmare! NB: have friends on autism spectrum in great relationships so I am not worried or judging about that, it’s more his language that has given me pause. Am I over-reacting?

The lane that takes you quickly away.

Aspie refers to a diagnosis that is no longer given. Aspergers has very, very distinctive traits. Your limited post doesn't seem to provide any of those. Unless of course he is repeating the same stories. He is of the age where had he shown those symptoms he would have been properly diagnosised and not by a therapist.

I have never met anyone with the diagnosis that refers to themselves as odd. Is he animated when he talks? Lots of varied tones, expressions, able to focus on multiple different topics through a single conversation or does he return to a specific few? Does he mirror you?

Winking about it does at least fit his narrative of being odd.

I am concerned about the label he put on himself, "odd," not "ND", but "odd" !! Also, Autism is not a "disability" or a medical illness it is a "spectrum" of behaviour, and we are all on the line somewhere.

Reading your comments makes me
thonk you need to give him a swerve.

something has unsettled you by your own admission. The wink has given you the ick.

get rid as it won’t get better!

Speaking from experience and observation, it's never a good idea to judge someone based on superficial criteria or preconceived notions. By discriminating you may miss getting to know someone truly special. It's easy to write someone off because of their background, appearance, or other factors

She’s not doing those things.
He’s told her he isn’t good at relationships and that he’s odd and it’s made her uncomfortable. That’s good enough reason to not see him again. She doesn’t owe it to him to continue dating him so as not to be “discriminatory “.

I have not discriminated on any superficial criteria or a pre-conceived notion of his alleged ND, but I am questioning his language about himself in describing his ND. This is not a debate about whether or not ND people are dateable, that is not the question I am asking.

I don't think this is correct.
There is a formal diagnostic process.
We're not all on the spectrum somewhere and for many people it really is a disability

I asked if he had sought an actual diagnosis, and he said at school he had been seen by a behavioural psychologist who observed him for a while doing something lateral with putting objects in order, and then advised the school and his parents that he had a unique way of thinking/doing and they should just let him alone. I was confused by this. He does talk a bit loudly, and has repeated a couple of stories already... oh!

it is a "spectrum" of behaviour, and we are all on the line somewhere

This is also an outdated and incorrect view. The spectrum refers to the different ways the condition might manifest itself, not to degrees of the condition. You cannot be 'a little bit autistic'.

You should listen to your instincts, that this man is, consciously or unconsciously, explicitly setting you up to expect poor behaviour. Also, the winking sounds insufferable.

It is not classed as a disability, and I am not talking about him like he has one.

this is such a neat uncluttered summary I don’t know why this thread didn’t end there

There’s loads of other men out there - I wouldn’t waste my time on someone I was having doubts about this early on! Life is too short. I honestly wouldn’t even waste time on another date or time messaging him even

I absolutely would judge someone who used a possible ND diagnosis as an excuse for poor behaviour and mask it is a cute and endearing quality, while simultaneously not taking any action to address damaging behaviours in relationships. OP, don't listen to this anyone who tells you this person does not have red flags all over him, or that you are being discriminatory or judgy! You have every right to judge bad behaviour, which this most definitely is.

Everything else aside, some grown man who kept winking at me would send me running for the hills.

You have a point, and he did refer to his ex-wife as his "ex-bird". I have not heard a man say that since the 1970's and even then it was in some dreadful sitcom!

Autism absolutely is classed as a disability. Autistic people may or may not consider themselves disabled, but from a legal perspective, the condition is a disability which is important as it gives protection to autistic people who may find themselves the subject of discrimination in daily life.

Please don't listen to this man's uninformed opinions on a condition he might or might not have. You are making yourself sound ignorant and I'm sure that isn't your intention.

What is his experience of other relationships, OP?

You mention an ex. Has he been married and does he have children?

Yes! This!

No it isn't my intention, and I apologise if I have got any information wrong. I am concerned about his language though, not mine. But thank you for informing me.

No kids of his own, claims he was "too selfish." Again, is that very honest or a red flag? He was married young for a few years and had step-children, and claimed she was abusive with anger issues, and after that had a long (18) relationship. Date one he said that, then on date 3 he admitted it had only been 14 years and they'd split up three times, he described it as "Chaotic." As I am typing, I realise this is not good.

LOL the more you post about this man the more abundantly clear it becomes you despise this weirdo.
Just get of rid of him, woman! It looks like you are scared of making the right decision.

I don't despise him. On the dates it felt like he was being very open and honest about a lot of important topics, but his language bothered me, and coming on here and talking about it – and typing it out in black and white – has been eye-opening – and quite upsetting. I am not afraid to dump him at all, I just want to make sure that I am not being judgemental or irrational because there many good things about him or I would not have got to date three...sometimes we need support especially in OLD as it's such a minefield.

That is his version of empathy. It’s possible that he’s NOT trying to make it about him, he’s comparing your experience with his own to say that he understands.

Never forget it’s fully possible to be autistic AND a dick.

The ex bird comment is demeaning and reduces their marriage to something casual.

Interestingly, he said he has dated three therapists, which seemed like a weird kind of flex

This would make me think that he attracts the sort of women who see him as a project or have that weird complex where feeling that they're 'helping' someone boosts their ego. Not because I think therapists are necessarily all like that, but I think it's pretty odd to have dated three people from such a specific profession.

The fact that he said 'I'm not very good at relationships' is a classic thing of almost challenging you to win him over - it's quite manipulative, like a 'Can you be the special one who, unlike everyone else, can make me good at relationships because you're Not Like Other Girls' sort of thing. It's like he's offering himself as a prize for you to attempt to win.

The way he revealed the information (apart from saying 'Aspie' which is a term that always made me cringe myself inside out at its twee cutesiness even before 'Asperger's' became an outdated label) makes me very much think that he is someone who fully intends to use autism as his excuse for any poor behaviour and as a reason for always getting his own way.

I also think making a big deal about describing yourself as 'a bit odd' has strong 'Ooh, look at me, I'm so eccentric and wacky, aren't I adorable with my quirks, have you noticed my quirks, aren't they fun, I have made them into my entire personality' undertones to it.

Essentially, even if he is autistic, which he may not be, that isn't actually the problem - the problem is the way he perceives and presents it. I wouldn't turn someone down because they were autistic, but I would turn someone down who banged on about not being good at relationships / tried to make himself sound interesting by describing himself as 'a bit odd' / said twee shit like 'Aspie' / was a magnet for therapists with saviour complexes.

TL;DR - ditch him, he's a tit