Weird date

[rubberduck68]

So… had a third date last night. I like him; funny, bright, well dressed. We are both mid-fifties and met on Hinge. Went for dinner and he said that he is “wired a bit differently”, and when I asked what that meant he said he’s “a bit odd.” It was delivered with a kind of boyish charm; you know like he thought it might be cute? It turns out he’s diagnosed himself (or his ex-did who is some kind of counsellor) as being “Aspie” – his words. I thought we weren’t saying that anymore? He went on to say, “I’m probably not very good at relationships,” with a wink. Putting aside that winks give me the ick, I was thrown by his honesty and can’t decide if it’s self-awareness, or a warning that he’s going to be a nightmare! NB: have friends on autism spectrum in great relationships so I am not worried or judging about that, it’s more his language that has given me pause. Am I over-reacting?

Sounds like a borish typical, a billion in a billion, twat.

Also, setting upnfuture shittyness..
"Well I told you wasn't very good at relationships..."

Remember Hey Duggee?
Change the words from Stick, to Ick..

Ick ick ick ick
Icky icky
Ick ick

@rubberduck68

‘He does sort of talk in stories rather than fluidly, like I would say something then he'd reply with a story about him that is similar, but not really ask me about my story much or engage that way, if that makes sense?’

He is trying to connect with you. People who are ND (bare in mind this isn't formally diagnosed) can often try and empathise this way. You tell a story, they tell a story, missing out the enquiring stage of normal conversation - asking questions and so on. This would signal to me he hasn't received support in how he socialises. What job does he do out of interest?

I wondered about this and when he should have had this conversation. We talked for two weeks before meeting up, and each date has been about a week apart, so we've been talking/meeting now for nearly six weeks. Should he have had this talk with me sooner?

Absolutely not. He hasn't actually been diagnosed, and he is basically saying to you I am terrible at relationships but don't get proper help to get better at them but you know now so up to you. I am late diagnosed ADHD but I have an ADHD counsellor and do loads of work to help navigate the world around me. I would never discuss my condition with anyone in this way. He's an idiot. If you really like him tell him to get diagnosed properly, get a CBT counsellor (or whatever is appropriate for him) and some self help and then you can talk. He wont though, he will move onto the next one who accepts his 'I'm trouble but also cute and rakish' act.

Please listen to what your less conscious parts are telling you. You found it uncomfortable.

Even if what he is saying is 100% true, you already know what will end this relationship, one way or another (your discomfort with his behaviour) so why not cut to the chase now? Feeling uncomfortable about him is a serious reason - you are only on date 3 - serious 'best behaviour' time. He's going to be a nightmare, not self-aware!

As women, we are taught to disregard our feelings, whereas we should honour them. This isn't about him being NT or ND - it is about the discomfort you felt.

But I agree with the early posters who suggested this is his 'get out clause'. There are an increasing number of abusive men who describe themselves as neurodiverse as a way of explaining away their abuse if a partner dares to have a problem with it.

You mustn't override your own feelings and concerns to accommodate another person @rubberduck68

Replying in this fashion can often be an ND person showing they understood you and empathise by replying with a similar story.

Maybe just be direct and say you'd like him to ask you more questions on topics.

If you don't think you can deal with it, I'd move on. I'd ask if he intends to get an official diagnosis but that's just me.

Thank you for sharing this, and I understand what you are saying. I did ask him about whether or not his ex should be diagnosing him, and if he'd seen any other professionals regarding a diagnosis, which he dismissed. Interestingly, he said he has dated three therapists, which seemed like a weird kind of flex. Something about that made me think, "well if a therapist thinks he's okay to date, maybe I am the problem here?"

OP yes, walking kerbside! brought back memories of clueless men lol

performative! exactly, like my neighbour

we have instincts for a reason though don’t we
I see the comments on here are the usual high standard, incisive, based
on experience or others’ experiences, sceptical, cynical, correct.

btw OP dyk there is a ‘bad first dates’ thread on here somewhere and one
called I think, “what was the worst date you ever had’ or similar - someone
here may know.
Some are really funny, others will make your toes curl, but at least you will
know it isn’t just you out there trying out weirdos.

Men on dates should have an unopened letter from their ex in their jacket pocket
to be read by said date : this would cut through any laboured conversations or
uncertainties.

Nt and Nd relationships can be extremely difficult. Having had one, I would not want another. So yes, I think he should have told you right from the start because he’s misrepresented himself.

You wouldn’t have met up with him if he’d told you he was “odd”, not very good at relationships and Nd would you? Who would?

Its a red flag he thinks being bad at relationships is cute.

OMG he used that phrase, he said that on one date when I complemented something he did (can't remember what), he replied "I'm on my best behaviour", another wink. This immediately made me think, "oh, is there worst behaviour to come?" When I shared that with a G/F she called me a cynic!

@rubberduck68 there is a lot of stigma and discrimination on this thread and I would be mindful of this. I'm curious about why the word aspie caused a negative response in you? And the wink too? Without further exploration on your behalf you may be letting your own biases impact your judgement. Just like you would like transparent and honest communication from him, the same can be said for you. Talk to him about what concerns you and explore it more with him. My husband is ND and yes there are challenges but there are also upsides that I think do set him apart from other NT men. Another point to consider is disability is a protected characteristic for a reason and without reflection of your own biases and talking to him openly you effectively run the risk of discriminating him yourself based on a label put on him, and maybe a misguided wink.

Another point to consider is disability is a protected characteristic for a reason and without reflection of your own biases and talking to him openly you effectively run the risk of discriminating him yourself based on a label put on him, and maybe a misguided wink

She isn’t hiring him. She’s dating him. She can discriminate for any reason she chooses.

I don't like the sound of him, OP. I would throw this one back.

Also ! you could argue that if someone is ‘eccentric’ they would not be aware of how they were perceived as that is their normal, so to say I am eccentric negates itself ?

Aspie + wink = ❌

I would be wary of anyone who was essentially giving themselves a 'get out of jail' card for treating you badly, right at the start of the relationship.

I am ND and have only ever been able to have functioning relationships/friendships with other ND people. I wouldn't think of making a blanket and unhelpful statement like 'I'm not very good at relationships'. If I genuinely wanted to smooth the way I would be specific and say (for example) 'sometimes I can become obsessed with an interest and ignore everything else and everyone else until it's out of my system - please don't take it personally if I do this'. But I only become attached to people who know this sort of thing anyway!

He hasn't been diagnosed as ND! Ever. He says an ex girlfriend said he was an 'aspie', which in itself sounds dodgy. Maybe he is and maybe he isnt, but even if he is, he needs to be diagnosed properly and look at how he can get better at relationships if they keep failing. that's the adult thing to do. I was diagnosed last year with ADHD at age 47 and while challenging, has been amazing because at last I have answered to why I behave the way I do and what I need form others to regulate etc. And to say she may be discriminating against him! Are you suggesting he take to to an employment tribunal? Id someone said 'I am bad at relationships' and then winked at me, I would be running for hills. This has red flags all over it and it is nothing to do with whether he is ND or not.

If he is that concerned his health and how it might influence future relationships, he should have done more to investigate and get a proper diagnosis.
There is no point being diagnosed by an ex.
Dated three therapists? I would take that with a pinch of salt.
And then run for the hills. All the winking and hinting is concerning as he’s trying to hide it with humour.
I am sad that as women if a man comes along with surface decency he has to be a catch.
Follow your gut instinct.

Thank you - that's put it much better than I did.

meant for @Sparklybutold

I have heard before that nd men date counsellers and women in the caring profession.

It sounds as though he’s seeking therapist number 4 to me!

Speaking from experience and observation, it's never a good idea to judge someone based on superficial criteria or preconceived notions. By discriminating you may miss getting to know someone truly special. It's easy to write someone off because of their background, appearance, or other factors.
Btw I'm not saying this as someone who has never done this, of course I have, I'm human, but I do always try and reflect why I respond a certain way.

I made it very clear that I have no bias, that I have friends with Autism spectrum who are very happy, so I have no negative bias, quite the opposite. The term "Aspie" is outdated as is Asperger's, it is now Autism Spectrum Disorder, so I was being respectful whilst referring to his own outdated language.

good thing there are plenty to go round