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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Weird date

110 replies

rubberduck68 · 24/02/2025 10:33

So… had a third date last night. I like him; funny, bright, well dressed. We are both mid-fifties and met on Hinge. Went for dinner and he said that he is “wired a bit differently”, and when I asked what that meant he said he’s “a bit odd.” It was delivered with a kind of boyish charm; you know like he thought it might be cute? It turns out he’s diagnosed himself (or his ex-did who is some kind of counsellor) as being “Aspie” – his words. I thought we weren’t saying that anymore? He went on to say, “I’m probably not very good at relationships,” with a wink. Putting aside that winks give me the ick, I was thrown by his honesty and can’t decide if it’s self-awareness, or a warning that he’s going to be a nightmare! NB: have friends on autism spectrum in great relationships so I am not worried or judging about that, it’s more his language that has given me pause. Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

PeanutsForever · 24/02/2025 15:55

rubberduck68 · 24/02/2025 14:35

UPDATE: He had sent me a “good morning gorgeous” today, so I guess he enjoyed the date. I sent him a voice message about an hour ago, thanking him for dinner (he booked and paid) but that I am concerned that “I’m probably not very good at relationships,” is a precursor to unaccountability down the line when things go South, and that I don’t feel we are a good match emotionally, but wished him well in his dating adventures." I was polite but firm. Thanks MN for your support!

He texted back: “I thought the date was an uphill struggle. Your insecurity tells me that you have trust issues and I don't want that agro. Best wishes.” !!!

you dodged a bullet here! Nice work.

The winking is unattractive because it is conspiratorial and pretends to be a joke when it isn't. People using a wink in this context are doing so in order to get away with saying something that is not okay. He knows and, subconsciously, you knew it.

Well done for ditching this one. the crazy ex was also, of course, a massive red flag.

Sparklybutold · 24/02/2025 20:11

@rubberduck68 so the word aspie is negative for you, but there are people out there who it is not and that's ok.

Original poster

rubberduck68 · 24/02/2025 21:03

Sparklybutold · 24/02/2025 20:11

@rubberduck68 so the word aspie is negative for you, but there are people out there who it is not and that's ok.

What do you mean? FYI I did not say it is negative, I said that I thought people were not using that term anymore, which I believe diagnostically is true.

OP posts:

Gymbunny2025 · 24/02/2025 21:36

'I'm probably not very good at relationships 😉' sounds like he's saying he wants intimacy without commitment to me!

queenBertie · 24/02/2025 23:38

Lucky escape.

It sounds like he has a set performance for early dates, and can't mask beyond that. I think the "autism" is a red herring.

He essentially wanted to set you up to start doing all the legwork and chasing (possibly sexually) as he had "declared himself" to be different and "not good at relationships".

I'm sure you don't expect or want the formal paid for dinner dates indefinitely, but presumably you want some social maturity, normal polite communication etc.

I think he wanted to goad you into chasing him for sex, or accepting odd communication patterns, or begging to see him, as he's so "mental" and "out there".

Nah.

Original poster

rubberduck68 · 24/02/2025 23:42

Gymbunny2025 · 24/02/2025 21:36

'I'm probably not very good at relationships 😉' sounds like he's saying he wants intimacy without commitment to me!

Yeah I think you could be right. I've realised something when I looked back at his dating app profile – trying to see if there were any red flags that I had missed – he had not selected a "relationship type." . On Hinge the options are: Monogamy, Non-Monogamy or Figuring out my Relationship Type, then you tick 'visible on profile', which in my experience everyone does. I had not noticed that at the time but I can't help but think it might be valuable information! Open for whatever he can get, maybe?

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 25/02/2025 09:11

rubberduck68 · 24/02/2025 14:35

He texted back: “I thought the date was an uphill struggle. Your insecurity tells me that you have trust issues and I don't want that agro. Best wishes.” !!!

LOL. What a complete bellend.

SnowyintheATL · 25/02/2025 16:28

The wink alone would give me the ick.

ForNoisyCat · 22/08/2025 18:01

Spring2Action · 24/02/2025 10:44

Sounds like he's setting his cards out that he's going to be difficult and if you don't like it he'll turn round and say well I did tell you. In my experience ND tend to get on well with other ND, but that doesn't mean ND/NT can't work with a bit of effort. I think there's more to worry about here than ND. He may be using that as an excuse for potential bad behaviour or some sort of interest in things that may be unusual I suspect.

agree entirely!!

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 01/09/2025 17:50

Asberger syndrome. Doesn't sound like awkward OCD, anxiety, with ticks and behaviors that are associated. You would definitely pick up on those.

His flirtatious manner is a bit much for me, bc it sounds like he is warning you in advance that he will be forward, naughty and possibly aggressive in his moves, so he has an excuse...its his 'diagnosis.'

It's all about what you are willing to tolerate. If you like naughty, fun loving, maybe unpredictable, go for it. But I'd want a background check to ease my mind. If he was ever arrested or had been in therapy, I'd want to know. And I never trust gossip or heresay, even from relatives or friends. Just the facts.

Be safe.

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