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Original poster

Mother in law constantly playing the victim with my DH

103 replies

grouchngucci · 22/02/2025 21:35

She lives alone and I understand how hard this can be as my mother has lived alone for 30 years.. my mother is very independent and never puts on us..

MiL wants to visit our home every 2 weeks and stay the night as she lives a 1 hour train trip away..

She msgs husband saying 'hey shall I come down?' He never has the balls to say not this week.. he has done in the past and it caused upset and one of his aunts getting in touch.. his dad died nearly 10 years ago..

She doesn't do much with her own life.. very sedentary.. she's only 72.. wants to be waited on like a queen..

I'd like to keep her at bay a bit more but husband has lots of guilt.. she used to overstep the mark entirely but I've had to put boundaries in place.. but she still tries things to be her own way.. so annoying!!

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 22/02/2025 21:38

I can understand why two days and one night every two weeks may be annoying. Could you compromise at once a month instead?

hideawayforever · 22/02/2025 21:42

Yes, I'd say once a month is more reasonable

MeganCarter · 22/02/2025 21:43

One hour on the train is no harship, just say no and introduce her to the U3A

Cheesandcrackers · 22/02/2025 21:57

She made him, you married him. No one has ever solved this dilemma and I doubt your DH will. Maybe suggest your husband visit her or else take yourself out for some of her visit. She won't be around for ever.

BeTaupeBear · 22/02/2025 22:16

Surely she can do it in 1 day? An hour on a train doesn’t mean she needs to stay overnight
If DH won’t ask her to come just for the day or stay once a month I would send him to see her instead

Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 06:39

He doesn't like doing the drive as he does it for work on occasion..

He does go see her but she tries to make it every 2 weeks 😩 she's probably the most judgmental I've ever met..

Not a nice lady and I don't say that lightly, very manipulative

OP posts:
Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 06:41

It's also causing tension and we've had arguments in the past over it.. when I put my foot down, we argued over her..

OP posts:
SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 23/02/2025 07:10

If your DH doesn’t want to say no to the visits, you need to remove yourself from the situation: use her visits as an opportunity batch cook, sort out your clothes and sell some on vinted, re-organise the kitchen cabinets etc. She won’t annoy you so much if you are busy and your DH will be the one having to wait on her (maybe then
he will find that every two weeks might be too
often!)

Savemefromwetdog · 23/02/2025 07:20

Once a month is still too much if she insists on staying. I sympathise; my ex’s MIL was like this. TBH it was part of the reason I left.

RentalWoesNotFun · 23/02/2025 07:30

Staying overnight for a one hour trip, that'd be a no way from me.

She could come early ish. Go for lunch with DH and kids leaving me some free time, and DH could drive her to the train station at 3 or 4pm to ensure she got home early in daylight. Paying for a taxi from her home train station to her house if needs be.

As others have suggested, don't be involved. Let him run around serving drinks and entertaining etc. You could invent a Book Club or a Women's Swimming Group or something and get off out.

Once he has to host you may find her visits get less. He can't check out of your family life every Sunday either to go to hers. So fortnightly sounds fine, her house / your house alternately.

SparklyGlitterballs · 23/02/2025 07:31

Then tell DH to get the train to her, if he moans about doing the drive.

There's no need for her to stay the night and wreck a whole weekend every fortnight. She could visit once per month (preferably not staying but if she does then she leaves first thing in the morning) and he can do the trip to her once a month.

Also, stop waiting on her. Tell her "you know where everything is by now Mavis, please help yourself rather than asking" and then get on with whatever you need to do.

Fargo79 · 23/02/2025 07:39

What is the actual problem? Is it just that you don't like her and want "keep her at bay"? Because unfortunately that's not really your call. That's your husband's mother and it's not for you to curtail their relationship.

It doesn't sound like he has an issue with her visits, being as he doesn't say no to them. If she doesn't like doing both train journeys in one day and he doesn't like driving, it sounds like this is the solution they've arrived at that works for both of them. If there's a genuine reason why it's a problem, i.e. your husband is expecting you to do all the hosting or whatever then absolutely it's fair to object to that and to refuse to do it. Or maybe to suggest that these visits are once per month rather than twice. But if it's just that you don't like her and you'd like for your husband to only see her on your terms, then that's horribly controlling.

Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 07:45

The reason MiL stays was because my own mum began staying as my mum was helping with the baby.. major difference is, my mum is not a queen, nor does she expect things.. MiL has no interest in babies or children, so she does nothing to help and all the more to create more work.. so yeah I don't really like her!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 07:47

@Fargo79 if she's causing problems in my marriage and creating conflict then it is my call aswell.. I can indeed ask that we see her less for a bit if she's creating issues and loving it... she's dark and manipulative, honestly.. it's called
Having boundaries, less controlling

OP posts:
Flossflower · 23/02/2025 07:47

i think it is too many overnight stays. Can you use the time to ho
out and see some friends?

Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 07:48

Definitely I don't like being around but she's not great with my son..

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 23/02/2025 07:55

As others have said, stop doing the hosting.

Make your DH step up.

Fargo79 · 23/02/2025 07:56

grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 07:47

@Fargo79 if she's causing problems in my marriage and creating conflict then it is my call aswell.. I can indeed ask that we see her less for a bit if she's creating issues and loving it... she's dark and manipulative, honestly.. it's called
Having boundaries, less controlling

How is she creating conflict in your marriage? What is she actually doing that's problematic?

Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 07:58

She used to tell hubby I didn't prepare breakfast for her but did for my kids.. ? THIS is the type of woman I have dealt with.. after birth of my baby I was having check up at GP and was 10 minutes late meeting her outside our flat at the time, she was coming for the afternoon and she contacted husband and told him I left her outside on purpose.. I was at the doctors stupid b*tch!! Honestly.. she gets it now as I've called her out both to her face and to hubby but her mere presence disturbs me..

OP posts:
Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 07:59

Hubby as had words with her but she cries, like straight away as soon as he speaks with her.. she breaks down crying ppl!! Come on..

OP posts:
Fraaances · 23/02/2025 08:01

You need to organize to take the kids and stay elsewhere every time. Let DH be her servant.

ThejoyofNC · 23/02/2025 08:04

Tell him to go and stay at hers. If/when she does come to yours, don't even make her as much as a cup of tea.

rainbowstardrops · 23/02/2025 08:06

If she's not great with your son and you clearly really don't like her then I'm surprised she wants to come to yours every two weeks.

Original poster
grouchngucci · 23/02/2025 08:07

I made the mistake of being kind last time and making her a drink - now she's trying to come more as wants to get in good books.. give an inch take a mile situation.. I'll pull right back again.. she's a narcissist

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 23/02/2025 08:21

As always, you have a DH problem.