Mother in law constantly playing the victim with my DH

[grouchngucci]

She lives alone and I understand how hard this can be as my mother has lived alone for 30 years.. my mother is very independent and never puts on us..

MiL wants to visit our home every 2 weeks and stay the night as she lives a 1 hour train trip away..

She msgs husband saying 'hey shall I come down?' He never has the balls to say not this week.. he has done in the past and it caused upset and one of his aunts getting in touch.. his dad died nearly 10 years ago..

She doesn't do much with her own life.. very sedentary.. she's only 72.. wants to be waited on like a queen..

I'd like to keep her at bay a bit more but husband has lots of guilt.. she used to overstep the mark entirely but I've had to put boundaries in place.. but she still tries things to be her own way.. so annoying!!

You need to stop letting her get to you, she sounds like a pain but you are over reacting. If my MIL started crying to DH that I hadn't made her food I would just say "thats not true" and them move on.
If he wants her to visit he can arrange it and look after her, you don't even need to be there or do anything.

Glad you’re not my DIL . You sound spiteful.

How is the OP overreacting?. You would not like this at all and I daresay if you were actually in this situation you would not just merely move on either. You could well feel angry, upset, let down. Appeasing behaviour from others is also how people like OPs MIL get away with it leaving a trail of upset behind. OPs H cannot and will not readily get involved using OP as a buffer. His mother is truly a past master at manipulating other people into doing their bidding.

You are applying the normal rules of familial interaction to a person who only plays by her own arbitrary set of rules. The rulebook really does go out the window when it comes to manipulative harmful people like his mother.

Why all the hate for the OP? It’s alright to have a bit of a rant on an anonymous forum. My MIL is very similar, constantly demanding to come and stay (unfortunately for a lot longer than just one night), and has conditioned my husband into giving in to her. Let me tell you all. After a while it really, really grinds you down. It really affects your life. You hate it while she’s staying over, then she leaves and you start to decompress, then you hear she’s visiting again and you dread it. It becomes a cycle.

I don't think you are overreacting. People expect you to put up with so much nonsense. Good on you for not tolerating it!
I do not tolerate nonsense from my DH family. I don't care if people think I'm harsh. I treat people in response to how they treat me and if they are fucking around they can bog off. Absolutely no time for it.
I tolerate my mothers nonsense more obviously because she raised me, she put in some effort.
But no I will not be waiting hand and foot on my DH family beyond what I would do for anyone else. No I will not be tolerating rudeness or manipulation.
People will tell you you are being harsh but I can only imagine they either have lovely families who you wouldn't need to assert boundaries with, or they are complete doormats who expect everyone to martyr themselves as they do.

Tell your MIL straight that she can come once a month if she likes.

I do not understand these posters calling you nasty. This MIL doesn't care about the kids, doesn't help in any way, just wants to complain about OP...
Maybe if she wants to be invited to stay more often she should act like a decent human being who people would value having there.

I have been exactly in this situation and I know FROM EXPERIENCE that the best thing to do is disengage.
I don't appease MIL I just let her get on with her drama and refuse to join in, it deprives her of the opportunity to play the victim.
What I feel IS angry upset and let down but I would never give MIL the pleasure of knowing that. Me not giving a shit is what annoys her most and preserves my sanity and my relationship with DH

I don't think is is hateful to highlight that there are more constructive ways to conceptualise and address the problem than the OP is presenting.

It may be that the OP has come here for support in the form of empathy and understanding through others commiserating through sharing similar experiences. If this is the case, some of the more solutions focussed responses might not hit the spot. However, I don't see much 'hate'- just alternative perspectives

@Brainworm

Alternative perspectives such as ‘Glad you’re not my DIL . You sound spiteful.’?

Thanks so much to those who truly understand the toll this relationship can have and the effect on a marriage.. it's just a rant ppl something I have to work through

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your insight and understanding here.. really appreciate your reply xx

OP, your husband cares more about humouring her than you.
You have a husband problem.
His inertia will ruin your marriage, change how you feel.
His weakness will kill love and attraction.
If only men realised this.

Tell him to go stay a night with her every two weeks but you do NOT want to host.

If she kicks up and sulks let her.
She has no interest in the baby you write, but to be being waited upon.

Do not have another child with a man who cares so little for you.

SHE spoiled your relationship and you don't want to be around her.

Perhaps that might change in the future but not now.

If he decides to bully you on this.
Pack up your baby and visit family for the night.

But do not have another child with him while you are so far down the list.

@AttilaTheMeerkat nails it as usual, among others.

Forget the usual nasty posters who loathe any assertiveness from women on MN.

A lot of MN posters see women in their 60s and 70s, especially if widowed, as poor lonely old ladies. Speaking as a mature Mumsnetter, I'd say that providing there are no major health or money problems, this is a great time with lots of opportunities to develop interests and friendships with people of one's own age.

I have mixed feelings especially as I had my own issues with MIL.
She’s a visitor, so I would make her tea, it’s not a big deal. She’s probably lonely so is trying to push coming to stay/ attention, however she needs to be helpful etc when she comes. DH needs to massively step up when she’s there, or spend more time visiting her instead. If she’s staying he needs to be there all the time.

My own MIL played the victim card, this including ridiculous lies to get DH to visit. She only wanted him to come to her (300 miles) preferably without me and DC. When she did come to ours she spent the entire time moaning it wasn’t home/everything wasn’t the same as hers/why didn’t we just go to hers. She never understood why DH couldn’t go to hers every single weekend.
DH really thought over time we would develop this mum/daughter bond but she could hardly even be civil to me. DH still talks about her coming to visit and being helpful and doing cleaning and childcare- it’s not even slightly true. But I think some men have to believe their mums are perfect, which is what you are
fighting against.

This is so relatable - I live in that cycle! I dream of my own private caravan to escape to.

Guys I do make her bloody tea!! She is expectant for everything to be done for her!!

When my child was 8 weeks old she was awful and took advantage of the fact I had anxiety and PND to be an utter b*tch - there's no other word I could use.. I fell to my knees from sheer exhaustion (our baby never slept) and she laughed..

Come on... this is not a lady I want ANYTHING to do with..

She's lucky she gets a smile

@Edcc spot on, thank you 🙏

I would think your children do not really like this lady either. It does them no favours for them to see both you and your dad be so disrespected by her.

Glad you're not my MIL if you think it's ok to treat her like this

We’ve lost all 4 parents and the Aunts/Uncles. Appreciate it’s irritating but jeez. Once a fortnight not that much. Will come a day your DH would give anything for 10 more minutes with her. Same way you will with your Folks. Do the kind thing. See the bigger picture. Don’t judge & just give MIL a great break from her otherwise simple but likely lonely life meantime. Must be in the minority but boundaries are cited like confetti these days. Doing the kind thing over the not so kind thing just imho given how short life is what I’d opt for in situations like this.

Sadly you are applying the normal rules of familial interaction to a person like ops mil who cannot be at all reasoned with. Doing this with her merely plays into her hands and what you are suggesting here is entirely not what to do.

When his mother dies he will likely have complicated grief stemming from the fear obligation and guilt she instilled into him from a young age.

Being kind etc is seen as weakness by people like ops mil. The only person this mil cares about is her own self. She’s not at all interested in her family: she just wants to go there because she sees ops mother as competition and that is not allowed in MIls myopic world view.

Just set your boundaries, not everyone gets on with everyone and that's ok. Sounds like the feeling is mutual, so surprised she wants to visit whilst you are there. Your husband can go visit/call her whenever he wants so I don't think you're holding back/controlling their relationship etc. if she wants to visit, you go out to the gym, see friends, shopping etc. just a smile and hi and bye at the door when she arrives.

Your milky husband won't stand up to her.

It's him she wants to see.

So if this does happen - it's on him. He can do the hosting. Make up the guest bed, do the laundry, the hoovering, bring the tea. You're SO busy. This might help him make a decision.

Make arrangements to be elsewhere. Appointments for you and DC, meetings, zoom calls, long-arranged engagements.

If you have to associate, do it in public. Cafes and parks.

Give her useful things to do while thanking her for her help. No expectation of being waited on by you. Don't do it.

You could have another ten twenty years of this ahead of you. So you'll need a strategy.

And prepare yourself for the likelihood that she's moving in by stealth. That one night will soon become two.

No! That’s your feelings. I would imagine if the mil died tomorrow op would not miss her and that’s fine. I’m not close to my mum or dad, when my dad died I did not long for ten more minutes. Sentimental rubbish.by your logic anyone can treat you like shit if they are old and you put up with it because they may die?

Well. Aren’t you the charmer 😉… TBF they were decent lovely great people absolutely worth missing. No need to denigrate other people’s experiences. No need to project either.
Nowhere was it stated people should disrespect others. Point was/is don’t sweat the small stuff and where possible (!) do the kinder thing and think of the bigger picture. Or - be bitter, reactive and unkind 🤪 if that’s what floats your ⛴️