Mother in law constantly playing the victim with my DH

[grouchngucci]

She lives alone and I understand how hard this can be as my mother has lived alone for 30 years.. my mother is very independent and never puts on us..

MiL wants to visit our home every 2 weeks and stay the night as she lives a 1 hour train trip away..

She msgs husband saying 'hey shall I come down?' He never has the balls to say not this week.. he has done in the past and it caused upset and one of his aunts getting in touch.. his dad died nearly 10 years ago..

She doesn't do much with her own life.. very sedentary.. she's only 72.. wants to be waited on like a queen..

I'd like to keep her at bay a bit more but husband has lots of guilt.. she used to overstep the mark entirely but I've had to put boundaries in place.. but she still tries things to be her own way.. so annoying!!

Oh boy, you’d have a field day with my in-laws. Your MIL sounds a bit annoying but nothing I’d get stressed over. Just direct her in the morning to the toast and cereal. Make her a cup of tea when you make one for yourself. Just remind her that you didn’t abandon her on the day you had a gp appointment and it simply ran over.

I think you are showing yourself up to be the immature and unreasonable one by calling her a stupid bitch. That’s not on. Can you imagine if your child’s partner said that about you one day?

As the saying goes, you have a DH problem.
His mother = his responsibility.
You don't want her in your home, the solution? He visits her. Tough shit about him driving. If he doesn't want to drive let him take the train.
Maybe he could take a child(ren) too to visit granny.

No way would I be disrespected in my own home.

You wouldn’t normally even make her a drink?! You think doing that for her is being kind?

I suspect the issues here come from both sides.

Start booking yourself in for a night at premier inn when she is coming and let DH do all the work when she comes down. I bet he starts saying no when you are not there to wait on her.

I wouldn’t and couldn’t put up with this at all but since you have your mum over it’s tricky. No way would every other weekend be taken over in my home by someone I don’t like. His mother or not .. he needs to drive or get the train the alternate fortnight.

Plus as usual on MN it was slipped in that maternal grandmother stays over but that’s ok.

You sound a bit unreasonable to me
This is your DH’s mother and you resent making her a cup of tea
It sounds like she upset you when you were post natal and you have difficulty getting over that
You need to fully discuss with your husband and find a solution you are both happy with

I suspect this is (at least) six of one and half a dozen of the other. You don't sound very reasonable. It's all very dramatic and the examples you've given are flimsy given that your aim seems to be to banish your husband's mum and curtail his relationship with her. Quite an extreme overreaction.

She sounds difficult but so do you. And quite aggressive with it.

She sounds awful. You sound churlish.

Time to say no overnight stays for either grandmother. Your MIL will be fine as long as it’s fair.

I love that idea.
An hour on the train is just a day visit no need to spend the night. I drive to my Ds 1.5 hours away for the day and have visited Dd at uni 2.5 hours away for the day, start out early get back late it's doable.

Play her at her own game.
Time for you to break down crying to your DH too.

Ask him why it is easier to piss you off than to tell his mother she can't visit? Who is she actually coming to visit? Him? Your child? You? Or is she coming to visit because she doesn't want your mother to have more time with your child than she does? Is she in competition with your mother?

@LookItsMeAgain exactly that!! In competition with my mother!! How ridiculous

@grouchngucci I really feel for you and I know exactly what you are talking about. I won’t go into details but my mil has had a lot of issues over her life . She was never never married and has been alone for a long time now , my dh and his younger brothers had to look after her from a really young age , get shopping , cook, clean etc . I’ve hand on heart have never seen her put on a wash or clean in my life .
She’s extremely good at utilising people around her , she has always been able to get help off people until they get wise .
I’ve seen this over the years over and over, when I was young and naiive I also helped her as I didn’t understand what she was doing, so I’d help her cook , clean , shop -she was in her 50’s at the time…
Obviously over time I had to wisened up particularly once I had dcs . She would visit and lie on the couch asking for help and food with me with toddlers and newborn.
Just like your mil if she travels an hour she has to stay the night . She’s also 72 and because of a very sedentary lifestyle she’s developed really bad mobility issues, this is obviously really limiting her now and she visits way less but it could easily swing the other way but so far isn’t .
We live in a hot country so she finds walking anywhere difficult now. How I solved it … I used to facilitate and her “holidays “ to us and then I just stopped .. as a pp said “there’s the tea , I have to sort out kids here”. We’d be super busy with the kids , the kids once older need way more interaction and have tons of energy and she can’t handle that at all. She definitely preferred it when they were small and less work.
One very effective way op in dealing with this was that dh visits her instead , it’s interesting how your dh doesn’t want to do this…… maybe more work for him..
My dh went a couple with our dcs and not me and magically the interest dropped completely 😂😂😂 I wonder why !! 😂
My dh would be busy with the dcs , there was no time to pander , dcs were busy and work. I took a massive step back and it’s the best thing I could do . I image she gives her neighbours a sob story but I don’t care , people should sometimes join up dots about why SOME older people are left alone .. What I will say is that it could get more difficult as she gets older , my mil has no plans and no money so it’s a real worry and my dhs brothers have distanced themselves and their partners understandably tbh ..
I would strongly encourage your dh to visit her instead. It is hard as I’ve no support anyway and having this from inlaws who actually cause work is very difficult. Surrounded by people who have helpful family and inlaws. I really feel for you op..
My mil lost interest though once she wasn’t being waited on .

You sound horrific, calling another woman a bitch. Really? Think about how you are.

Your husband wants his mother there, if he didnt he wouldnt go and get her or arragne for it, its quite right that there is negotiation on how often this is, but using words like that about her and calling her a narcissist is ridiculous.

I would hate to be in your husband's shoes. The good part is that he has 2 family members who clearly love him and want to spend time with him. The bad news is that it appears as though these two adults are behaving like children towards each other.

OP, I would put yourself outside of the drama and tell your husband that you struggle with his mother's company and would rather limit her visits. However, you recognise that it is unreasonable to set limits on the frequency of her visits when you wouldn't accept him doing the same with your own mother's visits. You can then make explicit requests in relation to what he should do to make things easier for you during her stays, highlighting that you will do the same during your own mother's stays.

This can include things like, her visits being arranged during windows of time where he has no other commitments. For example, she needs to arrive at a time when he is there to let her in and see her off. He needs to prepare her room, cook the meals during her stay etc, and make sure she is comfortable.

The conflict is between you and your DH though, because you don’t want her to visit every 2 weeks whereas he doesn’t mind.
If you don’t want her to visit, just tell her - don’t expect your DH to do it for you!

You sound a delight…. Offering someone a drink in your home is not being kind it’s hospitable. Your own mother has been to stay yet here you are moaning about your MIL wanting to be treated the same? You also called her a bitch, that’s were you let yourself down on this thread. As often said on here when people show you who they really are believe them.

Calling any woman a stupid bitch is pathetic. It’s a misogynistic phrase used to insult women - you’ve just lost the moral high ground.

Surely it’s as easy to make breakfast for the kids plus her at the same time? Doesn’t have to be a full cooked breakfast but if you’re getting cereal out, making toast etc can’t you just offer her the same?

I agree with this but we will be in the minority on MN.
If you've argued over this I suspect your husband wants to put in his own boundaries of being able to have his mother visit despite the fact that you don't like her.
If she causes extra work then a reasonable boundary would be that he does it. He runs around after her.
It's not unreasonable to have a visit 3-4 weeks either if you really can't stand being around her and he could take the dc to visit at hers despite not liking the drive.

Ooooh, I was kind of on the fence before but you've shown what sort of person you are now.
You're the problem.
Not your DH.
Not your MIL.
You won't listen which is fine, and I'll eagerly await the drip feeds on how emotional abusive MIL is.
It's fine for your MIL to want to be in your DH life, that's normal.
It's fine she's not like your mum, they're different people.
It's ok to have boundaries, yes, but maybe you should have a proper think and reflect on what is going on here.
Is it really your MIL that's a problem or do you resent her because she's different to your mum, you don't like her etc.

She’s a problem because your DH doesn’t have any boundaries with his mother He could visit her but no, he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced and is happy that you have to suffer because he doesn’t want to. Urgh, you’re his buffer between him and his mother, the more shit you have incoming from this woman, the less he does.

Assuming.you have space, j personally wouldn't think it that odd for a lonely older mil to want to come down for a night every few weeks. You do sound d mean - resenting making her a cup of tea and the language you use is very unpleasant.

You say she isn't really interested in your dc nor does she help which i can see is very annoying, but it should also be your dh's problem. But it does rather sound to me that both of you have decided the other one is a bitch and now you are in competition.

I get that some in laws are awful - my own drives me mad at times - but this level of hatred for her seems excessive based on what you have written.

OP

I am not surprised you've argued about his mother. However, his inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. Boundaries are difficult for him to apply when it comes to his mother. The problem he has is that he has been conditioned from an early age to believe the sky will fall in on him if he makes her "upset". He is also bogged down in fear obligation and guilt (three buttons she installed in him) and that causes him to feel both unwilling and unable to act decisively re his mother. She's basically put the fear of god into him and otherwise emasculated him. He needs therapy re his mother.

Your own mother behaves not at all like this and does not insist or otherwise demand being waited on. His mother also has no interest (all she really cares about is her own self) in her son, your kids and you and she does see your mother as competition. Hence all this from her now about staying overnight once every two weeks.

All this from her about turning on the tears at will, using a flying monkey in the shape of his aunt (her opinion needs to be ignored too as she was never interested in hearing her nephew's side of things) to get her own way are all characteristic of someone who is very manipulative. Most people on here have emotionally healthy families and or in-laws so do not recognise this from their own experience and respond accordingly.

Both of you need to present a united front when it comes to his mother. What does he think here; he is key in all this. You have laid down boundaries already re her, he still has a long way to go in that respect. He should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

You are indeed the buffer between he and she; he would far rather see you upset than she because he does not fear you. He fears his mother and he's also had a lifetime of manipulation from her too; she has harmed him emotionally.