Mother in law constantly playing the victim with my DH

[grouchngucci]

She lives alone and I understand how hard this can be as my mother has lived alone for 30 years.. my mother is very independent and never puts on us..

MiL wants to visit our home every 2 weeks and stay the night as she lives a 1 hour train trip away..

She msgs husband saying 'hey shall I come down?' He never has the balls to say not this week.. he has done in the past and it caused upset and one of his aunts getting in touch.. his dad died nearly 10 years ago..

She doesn't do much with her own life.. very sedentary.. she's only 72.. wants to be waited on like a queen..

I'd like to keep her at bay a bit more but husband has lots of guilt.. she used to overstep the mark entirely but I've had to put boundaries in place.. but she still tries things to be her own way.. so annoying!!

Not all relations are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive. Do you not wonder why some elderly people are not visited?.

All this don’t sweat the same stuff sentimental bs just gives manipulative people like the ops mil a further chance to treat her badly. Turning a blind eye is not the answer here.

As someone with first hand experience of this bullshit this is excelelnt advice.

I also found "taking myself off" highly effective.
so i would literally pack up my stuff and babies and go to my mums and leave him&her to it for 24 hrs.
No explanation, No food bought in, no bed made for her. Fuck em.
If she forced a visit when i made plans for the kids (ticketed) wed leave her behind and shed sit in an empty house (which i realise makese sound like a monster but honestly if someone says come at 4 wtf are you supposed to do if they turn up at 9am and you have tickets to whatever...

The visits were miserable and torturous for dh.

My husband didnt like it at the time but has come to understand his life is worst when i am unhappy vs his mummy dearest

Now the kids are bigger i leave her with him and kids and go do a gym class or get brunch with a friend. I also soooo tired from babies and need an early.night so go to bed around 8

I literally dont care at this point.
Shes a bad person a terrible mother and i couldn't care less what she thinks of me

My dh is pretty good at push back but Its still a source of tension in the marriage

I am going to assume that all the people you have lost were not total twats.
It really annoys me when people with no experience of toxic family members spout the "but they will be dead someday" rubbish on here.
We will all be dead some day, doesn't mean we deserve to have people put up with our nonsense

This, there is only so much killing with kindness that you can do. Get your boundaries, I'd try not to slag your MIL off to your husband as he can't/wont see it, she's manipulated him all his life, you can't change either of them, all you can do is change how you deal with the situation that keeps your sanity.

Then he should bugger off up and stay with her, and not dump her on his wife whom can't stand her because of her previous nastiness .

I couldn't give a shiny shit about nasty relatives that have died.
So what?

Why would anyone care if an unlikeable relative dies...how weird.

My husband didn't like either of my parents though they held him in high regard.

When they died, he couldn't have cared less, why would he?
They were nothing to him, simply a relative of mine that weren't particularly nice people.

I have heard many times over the years of people feeling relief when difficult people in their lives pass.

If you can't change this then maybe use her as a babysitter a bit so you and husband can go out.

I once spent a whole weekend re painting a bathroom I’d only just painted so I didn’t have to sit in the same room / be around my (now ex) mil. She was just horrendous. 🙈

She won't be around for ever.

She could easily live another 20 years. That’s 500 more overnights at the current rate.

Such is really yet another way of minimising the OPs experience and feelings by writing she (mil) won’t be around forever.

Absolutely @AttilaTheMeerkat (love the name 😂). Op make sure you just put up with any amount of crap in case someone dies..
Also arseholes generally live for ages 😬

Every other weekend??? That's insane.

The MIL has had 72 years to create an interesting life for herself. Instead she chooses to be a whining, crying, presumptuous and intrusive burden.

Take the advice and get a Premier Inn every time, OP.

Exactly. And people smarming that "it's only once a fortnight" are delusional.

Like most, I'm a busy person and my weekends are precious, productive& planned well in advance. There is no way I'd allow anyone to suck up half of them.

exactly, as in our small town, a thriving U3A, Church based things, 2xW.I.,
NHR, charity shops galore, always need helpers, the Library served by volunteers,
the Thursday food bank, the Little Theatre need helpers be that thespian or practical, so much going on once one scratches beneath the surface, a myriad of possibilities and interests
it seems that with some parents the umbilical cord was never completely severed -
this is poor parenting with an almost pathological reluctance to let go

oh great another MIL bashing thread! MIL is a nightmare yet Biomum is allowed to pretty much do as they please!

completely different relationship and dynamic with OP own mother! who looks
after child and is there to help - how does this equate to ‘do as they please’

Sounds to me like the main problem is you just don't like her!
Make yourself scarce when she's there, let hubby deal with her, make it once a month.

Your explanation of things are only words in a screen to us.
You were there, you felt it, you know what you need to do!
Our opinions don't matter x

I've a sil I walked away from 3 years ago and hate myself for not doing it much sooner!
However, if I put in writing on your screen what she used to do, it's only words to you x

And when she asks your dh to go every two weeks, does he not want to, or is it you who doesn’t want him to? Sounds like he’s stick between a rock and a hard place. Why don’t you suggest she makes the trip to you once every 4 to 6 weeks, and your husband visit her maybe in between? You can put boundaries in place for yourself, but shouldn't for your husband, if he’s happy to break it up a bit and go visit her instead once a month. Because that would be controlling of course…..

Good idea

Oh and I wouldn't have someone I love stay a fortnight....much less a horror like the OPs MIL whom lives an hour away.

The OP needs to lay down a firm marker now.

Weak only children husbands, with awful manipulative mothers, are just the sort to foist their elder car on their wives, even trying to have them move in as they age.

Any weakness from the OP will be ruthlessly exploited by husband and MIL.

Far better to kick up a stink now and definitely not have any more children whilst this issue remains.

Keep your job OP, built your career. Keep your financial independence.

It will keep you strong with options should they both try and grind you down.

This is definitely what I'd do!

@grouchngucci I refused to be mil's entertainer!!! your mil should not be coming anywhere near your house unless her son is there to look after her, especially if she does not consider you or your children of any importance to her! that is the reason your dh needs to visit his mother in her home. remember, you can choose your friends but your cannot choose your family or your enemies! hey, at least you can be sure that you wont be asked to look after her in her dotage! my mil came to see our new home (one of the few occasions she was in it) and spotted a room downstairs with its own access and containing futon, tv video etc. she immediately said to my mother who was also visiting, "ooh I can sleep here!" my mother quickly stated that no one was to be living in that room because it was for only the occasional overnight guest! mil lived in her own home 300 yards away!! mind you, when it came time for mil to go into care, all the family said she should move in with us!! we were the only ones who had stayed local. My dh knew that would never ever happen in my lifetime! I didnt care about the inheritance!

@Fraaances suggestion works perfectly.

Years ago my dear friends husband was overheard agreeing to a visit of his parents without checking with her.

She decided to box clever and asked could we do something for the day.
I said I can do better, lets head off for a night to my holiday home.

He never said a word, but he had a habit of not telling her things and thinking he had, AND he had a habit of not listening to her when she was telling him stuff.

So a full week later he mentions it finally that they were visiting, staying the night and she was all, "fine, no problem, whatever you like".
He looked at her surprised and eventually came back to her asking was it really ok?

She said of course its fine, I'm away with Alice so whatever you plan to do is fine with me.

He was horrified. He couldn't cancel as it was a week later. She just said I told you I was going away weeks ago for a night.
She asked me to collect her as early as possible and I was there for 9am and off we trotted.

He had two children to look after, and she had neither tidied, shopped, prepared a bed, absolutely nothing done after a weeks work.

We had a great night on the vino and he ended up getting a takeaway.
His mother was outraged at how little was done.

He was like an antichrist when she returned and she totally ignored him except to say we had a great time and would do it again soon.

He was a great man for a days golfing.
It was such a cheap night away we made it a regular thing for years.
Every time he mentioned he was off for a night, she said no problem Alice and I are due a night away.

It took the shine off the nights away, and he reduced them substantially, and he certainly never invited his parents again without consulting her.

Talking is often useless with some men, a dose of action works far better.

Clearly the only one she wants to see is her darling son; your dh. So he can go and see her if he wants to. Just say no and be firm. Say she's bad for your mh which doesn't seem to be a lie. Don't back down on this. I'm lucky to have a wonderful non-intrusive Mil who loves our children. Basically it's all about that isn't it? If she loved and showed interest in being with your child I think your relationship would look different. In the Mil's place I would ask to have your child over to give my son and my dil some time "off" and not making myself a burden.