Thinking of staying and settling...

[mikado1]

First thought obviously the DC and not causing upheaval and upset for them
We get on fine as friends and run the home well, both do our share etc
Shared values
Combined finances make us comfortable but not super well off, it would be more of a struggle solo

Con: there's no real love from my side and I'm lonely

Life is too short to settle. The kids will grow up and you’ll be left with what?

I did it solo for years. I loved it.

I'll be left with knowing I did what I could to give them a secure home I suppose. There's no shouting or upset between us. But I do wonder what it will look like in ten or twenty years..

How long have you been feeling this way & how much longer do you think you can continue? It's probably not the worst thing you could do, but you'll suffer without the love you need and with loneliness you're feeling.

How old are your DC?

What's the chances of DH moving on?

A lot to consider, but can you really continue living like this?

I've stayed years and years.. probably close to ten without love.
Dh will not leave and won't consider separation as an option so I'd really have to push through.
DC 13 and 10.
I don't know how long I can do it.. I'm happy in other parts of a busy, active life, have friends, a job, good family etc.

You're not alone xxx

That sounds hard, OP. I wonder what your children are learning about relationships, watching you and your partner and feeling the lack of love. They are likely to assume this is the best they can hope for. What would you advise one of your children in this situation? Not to say you shouldn't stay, just wondering.

Also, your husband "won't" leave or consider separation - doesn't sound like someone with empathy for your feelings, or the emotional maturity to realise that both people have equal say in a relationship. Is he this controlling about other things, or with the kids?

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You sound very lonely.

I would also say, this time when the children are about 10-13, a lot of women start thinking about leaving. The relentless childcare work is behind and women end up with more time on their hands to reflect on their situation and reappraise their marriage. This is very common.

What is less common knowledge that the woman is much more likely to file for divorce within 12 months after her best friends filed for divorce.

What have you tried up to this point to directly improve things between you and your husband?

Been in this situation myself. The problem with the position you are in is that you cannot see into the future to know how it would be for the DC and for the relationship between you all. But no one can see into the future and sometimes when we try to we catastrophise and imagine the worst possible outcomes like children not coping, ex partners hating us, friends and others having a negative opinion.

The truth is you can’t predict the future but you KNOW you aren’t happy in the present. You could continue a lonely life indefinitely, or you take control and start to think about what you need from life. Your OH might not see it just now but they also deserve to be loved completely and not to be with someone who is with them out of a sense of duty and fear of the unknown.

In 3 years you could be happy - all of you - and settled in a new set-up. You only have one life. My parents have split, I have seen friends split, my own children have parents who have split. My advice is to continue to be the parent you always were to them, and work like friends (which is basically what it sounds like you are anyway) to bring them up together but romantically separate. Children don’t care about the relationship between their parents, they care about being looked after and loved and cared for. And ultimately as they get older they care if they think their parents, or one parent, was unhappy and stayed for them. How many adults have you met that say ‘my parents should have split up?’ Well, you probably think you are doing a really good job of hiding it, but that will probably be your kids one day.

If your so amicable and have shared values then you’ll both want what’s best for the children and be able to coparent amicably. I would tell your husband how you feel and maybe you could try some marriage counselling to see if you can get the spark back. At least you will know you’ve given it every opportunity and you might be able to talk through how you’ll separate and coparent there too.

I'd stay another 8 years personally. What can you do about loneliness? That will still be there if you leave

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the handhold. I seem incapable of making a decision on my own as, despite us both being unhappy, only I seem to want to consider splitting. So I'm glad of the advice.

To answer some questions, we went to counselling a few years ago. It was useful and we discussed changes needed and promised but it didn't improve things longterm.

Yes I'd still be lonely if I left but sometimes there's something more lonely about being in a couple while feeling like that.

To the pp who mentioned this is quite a common feeling with dc of this age, I've felt it on and off for years unfortunately, we've been in separate rooms since 2020.

Is he controlling? No but he might like to be! Empathy, not massive amd then in other ways incredibly thoughtful (gifts etc) but I'd rather more day to day stuff.

To be honest it sounds like you know what you should do but you are scared to do it because the decision to end things is completely on you. As a pp said though there has to be an acceptance when you enter a relationship that it’s because you both want to be in it. Relationships don’t work if they aren’t based on that one fact.

That's a v simple and straightforward way of looking at it. Thanks EleanorRigby.

It’s a horrible place to be. We have already separated but moving on in a real way is very hard. It’s all fear unfortunately and still trying to figure out how to deal with it and rid myself of all the self doubt.

You get along well, share values, and share children. That alone can make a successful marriage. Not every relationship is based on romance or sex. One of my grandparents was gay, but they were a perfect couple. (I was never privy to the rules of their relationship so I don’t know how they handled that aspect)

You can also work on improving the relationship the two of you share. There was something there to begin with. It often gets lost when children enter the equation. Yours are old enough now that you could consciously carve out time for yourselves as a couple.

but this is just a message board. I can’t evaluate your relationship from here. All I can do is provide one perspective.

Thank you. I'd say we get on just about fine. It sharing great laughs or conversations with often but managing the home v well at the same time. There was something there absolutely but there were also red flags that for whatever reason, I disregarded, low self esteem, safety, who knows. He behaved badly in first years after babies and I'm afraid that severed the feelings that were there which is very sad and I know he greatly regrets this and has done what he could to make amends but too late for my deep connection again.

It is 100% fear.
Hope you're getting on OK. I wonder is there a certain relief in making the decision?

No, you’re not alone.
Im so bored and lonely, I need to live. I just can’t work out if ending it is the solution, or if I’m blaming him when it’s really me. I’m so resentful.

I know that cycle of need to leave followed by self doubt. Maybe it's not so bad etc.

Two things have given me a shove - a potential house upgrade (and costs to match) and a friend's reaction when I had an honest conversation the other day. I am taken aback when I realise there are happy, comfortable, intimate (not just sex) couples out there... that mine is not the norm.

You're not happy. You're trying to convince yourself that what you have is enough, but you can't change how you feel. No matter how much you rationalise.

What about making a long term plan to leave in 2 or 3 years? It sounds less scary and you'll have more time to plan and get used to the idea.

Also, what is it that you fear? The idea of "failing"? Poverty? Being seen as the bad guy? Being alone? (You already are). Once your fears are clearer, you can work on that.

That's great advice to consider the fear. I think if there was a forward plan to be made we'd have to both agree. I went to him with the this is it conversation two years ago and was talked round, despite working v hard to be honest, direct and respectful etc. He asked me for 6m and of course somehow years passed. Two years before that again I'd spoke with th a mediator. Something is stopping me. The good days, the positives, the security of a relationship of whatever kind..

Sticking with the known, however rubbish it is, is always easier than choosing the unknown. Apart from anything else one is making a choice that requires a lot of upheaval and emotional turmoil and the other is just carrying on with head in the sand.

You could have a more fulfilling life. One where intimacy and connection are just part of the relationship. And in time your oh will probably realise it was missing too. And I also think from my own personal experience that once the feelings are gone they don’t come back especially when someone has hurt you or treated you in a way that made you feel like you didn’t matter.

And also it’s okay to realise and accept a relationship just didn’t work out. It’s not something that’s meant to be another chore or a source of alienation

Sticking with the known, however rubbish it is, is always easier than choosing the unknown. Apart from anything else one is making a choice that requires a lot of upheaval and emotional turmoil and the other is just carrying on with head in the sand.
That's it exactly, thank you. And tho I'm probably in need of the change of course I have my dc in my heart also.

What age are your kiddos?