Thinking of staying and settling...

[mikado1]

First thought obviously the DC and not causing upheaval and upset for them
We get on fine as friends and run the home well, both do our share etc
Shared values
Combined finances make us comfortable but not super well off, it would be more of a struggle solo

Con: there's no real love from my side and I'm lonely

to give you another perspective- I grew up in a home where my parents made the decision to stay together for the sake of the kids but weren’t ‘together’ as such and it was actually ok. I didn’t even realise at the time, think I was between the ages of about 9-17. My mum told me when I was much older. They fell in love again once the youngest left home and are now very, very happy. Though I do wonder how it’s affected my view of relationships. I’m very happily married now, but I do have a slightly avoidant attachment style I think and I’m not very physically affectionate with my husband day to day.

"He behaved badly in first years after babies and I'm afraid that severed the feelings that were there which is very sad and I know he greatly regrets this and has done what he could to make amends but too late for my deep connection again."

This struck me - you've refused to move on, let go of whatever wrongs he did you years ago - and this has stunted the relationship developing. You also let a 6 month trial drift into 2 years without addressing it. You are not a passenger here, you're complicit and whatever you decide to do next you need to do it consciously- stay, commit and make the best of it (perhaps try to forgive and rebuild) or leave - and you don't need his permission for this.

The atmosphere was good and I’m glad they stayed together, I think it would have been a lot more traumatic and uprooting for me had they split. It was a very specific situation though. We’ve talked about it lots as adults and my parents are very in tune with us and emotionally intelligent. Every household is so different.

Not a popular opinion but I think it's often better to stay together in a relationship that has morphed into companions than uproot everything in the big gamble that the grass will be greener out there.

It's really tough out there, there's no way to sugar coat it. People who tell you differently are not being truthful.

Financially, divorce is always a huge hit that many don't recover from and impacts the children's lives significantly. Many women have found themselves in poverty after divorce or just scraping by.

Trying to find a new partner in this day and age often involves blending families, which very rarely works and is not to the benefit of the children, despite what people tell themselves.

Divorce casts a long shadow over generations and whilst adults happily tell themselves they are modelling positive and healthy relationships, often the experience of the children is very different. Shuttling between households and compromising every aspect of their lives to accommodate new partners is rarely positive. You may not get a new partner but your ex may and you'd have no control over that or who they bring into your children's lives.You just have to hope they're a decent person. Then if they go on to have kids it makes it even harder.

Kids are never really asked because most adults don't really want to know the truth, or if they do they learn to lie to hide the truth so they don't rock the boat. Children of divorce can become highly skilled at compartmentalising their lives to tell their respective parent what they want to hear.

Obviously in a domestic abuse or infidelity situation then there's no choice but to leave. But in a stale marriage it is possible to maintain stability. Life's too short to mess with your kids precious and very short childhoods.

Really think carefully what you'd be giving up on and how it would impact your kids.

If you decide to stay then really start exploring how you can make things better together.

Not everyone wants another relationship, some just want some peace and control of their life.

My parents divorced when i was about 6. It never bothered me because I hardly remember dad living at home, and my life was my normal. I never looked at others and wished for dad to come back.

Your experience is unique to you but not necessarily the norm @DustyLee123

Also, the dad may want another relationship which can throw blended families into the mix and more kids, plus additional new siblings potentially. Blended families are very rarely successful for all involved.

So the mum may be happy with peace and control, meanwhile the kids have a very different life experience of the situation and have to deal with that. Kids often pay the price for adult decisions.

I completely agree with all of this. It's 8 years until her youngest leaves home. She has a friendship with her DH and they are a good parenting team. If I was her I'd work on improving my own life to address loneliness (easier to do in a partnership anyway than as a single mum). And discuss opening up the relationship (if both wish)

Children who live in homes with their two biological parents are more likely to have better physical and mental health and better educational outcomes. As adults, they are more likely to earn more and are less likely to get divorced.

Of course, this won't be applicable to the poor sods stuck in homes with warring parents but does extend to those whose parents aren't head over heels.

It's a source of inequality that flies under the radar because it's such a taboo to suggest that children are paying a heavy cost for the atomisation of their family.

Thanks. I'm reading all your thought ❤️

So let's say we plan for 8 years time.. then sell family home... will those adult DC come home to what isn't a home to then? I would hate to think they wouldn't or that they'd feel their childhood was a lie or somehow guilty for me sticking it out? Would it be better to be openly separated within the home but still a functioning family?
I have little to no interest in a serious relationship and I would wait years before introducing if I did. My dc are first and foremost. I can't speak gor H but certainly know he wouldn't want children. His mood and energy has been hugely changed following children, it has been much harder than he thought. Obviously no guarantees but as much as I can tell.

You don't know what's round the corner. I used to listen to Show Must Go On by Freddie Mercury every morning to help me get through the day.

Until I decided this was no way to live a life.

Then I stated thinking what I could do to improve my marriage since I didn't want to impose divorce on my children.

Men are clueless in interpersonal matters. It's always women who organise weddings and funerals. You husband is agreeable to making amends. You need to ask yourself what is holding you back.

The alternative is to be stuck in prison of loneliness or uprooting your children's lives.

Apologies for being blunt. I hope it helps

This is a very good thread.

This is a good thread.

I'm in a similar position to the Op, my children are a little older.

My journey to separation started with realising how unhappy I was and has now plateaued as I'm consumed with thoughts on the impact of my children.

My parents were divorced and imo, rightfully so. Their relationship was volatile and unpleasant.

My husband has made some changes and continues to make more effort. I'm in the middle of convincing myself that I can do this for another 3-5 years, but I really can't keep up this level of wine consumption.

It feels hard to know when it's ok to put myself first and whether this is working for the children. I'm looking for a new counsellor to help me figure it out.

I feel there is a lot of doom and gloom here about divorce and it feels so sad that so many women are expected to sacrifice their well being for the sake of the children. (Although I’m in no way minimizing the potential impact of divorce on children.) And about men being “clueless”? Are they like children? Is it really up to the women to absolutely look after every body else?

Women clearly aren't expected to sacrifice their happiness at the alter of their children's wellbeing. We are in striking distance of having the highest levels of family breakdown in the West.

Can anyone here point me to the evidence that children growing up in a home where their parents are in a loveless marriage and their mothers are unhappy grow up to be happier than those where their mothers have separated from their husbands and feel fulfilled and un-lonely?

I have read a lot of the research on this but something this specific and yet at the same time hypothetical, I haven’t seen.

My in laws are unhappily married. Going to stay at their house, the mood is palpable. It’s hard to spend more than one night at their home, so I don’t. It’s not something anything can hide.

There are now a lot of extremes in this post. The reality is that relationships breakdown now but that divorce in the mainstream is still a pretty modern phenomenon so I don’t think these statistics about children from broken homes vs children from homes where parents stayed together is enlightening at all.

Anecdotal I know but some of the most successful people I know have parents who are split. They are also now in stable marriages themselves and in high-flying careers.

The difference probably is that their parents were adults about it, realised their relationship was over and didn’t force their kids into uncomfortable conflicts. There’s a right way and a wrong way to split and most people choose the wrong way and that is the damaging and destructive thing

Thanks again.
The thing I'm finding most difficult is the conflict in my head over it all. I feel certain; that's it, it has to end this can't go on, and then the following day gosh things are actually fine and comfortable... it is an absolute head wreck. Constant thoughts and seesawing back and forth. I notice if I have too much time to think or time off, as I did last week, that sends me spiralling and my mood is low and I want out. When I'm busy and active, I feel OK.
To the pps in same situation, sending solidarity and wishes for the best decisions for us all. I think the excess of wine is a worry, my issue is sugar and junk food to comfort and way too much of it.. this is not good enough for us, I know that.

OP your words strike such a chord. I think a lot about ending my marriage. Not because it's bad, but because it is just
... meh.

We get on, parent well together, he's pretty decent and kind a lot of the time. We have a lovely standard of living with plenty money floating around. We have a shared history, having been together since we were at university. And we have children aged 3-9.

What we don't have is any real connection, any spark, any deep love or attraction. We are at the friends/flatmates stage and it's slowly killing my soul.

I know deep down I probably have to do something about it but I keep coming back to the impact on my children, on him, on the wider family. It's all on me to end things (he never will) and I will be the bad guy. And have no money. And nowhere to live. And no adult to share a house with even if I did have somewhere to live.

I would be very brave here and make a clean break before your current state of being friends turns into full time resentment of him. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with confusing and mixed messages about relationships and happiness. Divorce is not failure but living in unhappiness is.

My first calcuations would be entirely practical. I would look in detail at how much I would have to live on, what sort of life that means me and the kids were living, and what impact it would have on supporting the kids to start out in their adult life ( i.e. how much I could save for them). I would look at what sort of house I could afford and where and impact on whether they would need to move schools/ school catchments. If leaving meant I could not save for a pension/ or would reduce my savings, I would consider that too.

Only after I had mapped all that out in detail, would I consider any other factors (given that your relationship is functional and calm, not warring or hostile).

Agreed though it's different for everyone.
I know a couple of people who have stayed, through abuse and financial reasons/religion/community etc.
Not like the man does that much for the home or kids, ok he has always provided a roof and paid bills etc.

But they are no longer together in the way of a married couple.
Obviously your priorities change when you have kids included.

But to me that is no life at all, how sad and miserable.

Thanks, tbf that's not the scenario here tho (abuse, man not lifting his weight etc). As my sister said 'If he was horrible it would be much easier.' He's quiet tho and can have a low mood so he's not a barrel of laughs either. As I say I'd say neither of us are at our best because of the situation. Friend thinks I should make a point of living a bit more, get out myself, keep busy, splash a bit of cash etc and see does that help a little in terms of getting on as best I can and not going through the emotional/physical and financial upheaval..

I read about this all the time.

It took me eight years to leave. I'm still to this day, so proud of myself. The best thing I've ever done.

Ten years on. I'm so happy.

Also. I know of couples who have split when the kids are older. It's caused so many more problems.