Thinking of staying and settling...

[mikado1]

First thought obviously the DC and not causing upheaval and upset for them
We get on fine as friends and run the home well, both do our share etc
Shared values
Combined finances make us comfortable but not super well off, it would be more of a struggle solo

Con: there's no real love from my side and I'm lonely

Can you tell me in what way?
I suppose I'm thinking at least they'd have reached full development, it won't be a sensitive age (I'm thinking young teens a difficult time) etc.

I am finding this thread so interesting. I am in the throws of this at the moment. We have had such a tough few years. BUT my kids are 6 and 9 and I have decided to hang on after our separation until the kids are older. I simply realised at the age they are that I cannot do it alone and without any support at all, the change was too drastic and their childhood would really suffer. I didn't have my ducks in a row enough to make a new life and owing to where we live everyone ended up so isolated. We are trying to establish ourselves independently such that in a few years we are both set up and there is less stress. I don't know if this is wise, but I simply don't have an option. I couldn't do it all completely alone when they are so young without any family or friends nearby. I think it is a lot to do with a support network nearby and them being so dependent at this stage. Our quality of life did not improve and I prepared to park one part of myself for a few years for the greater good. I feel I won't regret it but who knows. I know a lot of my friend will judge from afar, but I am just thinking of their stability for now.

When kids are young they just go with the flow. Stay where they are told. It’s you dads weekend. They just go. They know no difference.

When they are older they take sides. Team mum, team dad. I’ve seen kids in their 20s or 30s taking sides with a parent. Excluding the other.

Really sad to see.

My best friend reconciled with her husband after 6 months. The 5 year old was crying himself to sleep every night. Divorce affects children differently.

Divorce used to be reserved for cases like active addiction, domestic violence, infidelity. These days falling out of love is seen as valid grounds. And people with the least say suffer the most.

Humans are complex beings and maintaining the relationship is hard work. Most of us have good friends from school/college/uni. How many of us would still be friends if we had to live side by side day in and day out?

By getting married we implicitly made a promise to our future children to give them a stable home. It's up to us to deliver on that promise. There are many excellent books and podcasts on how to improve your marriage if counselling is too expensive/not practical for childcare reasons

Well I’m sorry. I don’t buy into “staying together for the kids”

I read a thread once. On this subject. Countless now adults. Who commented they hated being a child in that environment. Would have preferred their parents to split.

My best friend was only echoing this on Saturday.

When I was younger we wanted our parents to stay together so they did "for the children".

I am now an adult and wish they hadn't. The heartbreak of looking back now and seeing how miserable my Mom was for decades, and the influence that had on us kids.

Of course the majority of children want their parents to stay together. Children won't understand the implications on the parents or on themselves. They won't understand how much better it would be to have 2 happy parents.

And who knows what they'd have been saying if they grew up in the main house of poverty and sadness? With a parent they only saw every other weekend for a few hours? And having an evil step parent or two thrown into the mix?

If parents separate, it doesn't always mean two happier parents in two happier homes.

The grass isn't always greener. It's a myth to think it always is.

I think if you were genuinely content being housemates and friends rather than lovers, this could work fine.

But it sounds like you're actually really keen to leave and just scared about rocking the boat and causing upset. That's understandable but isn't sustainable in the long run.

Being scared could be a useful emotion. It could prevent us from jumping from a height.

Some people will get up and brush off the dust. Some will break bones.There is no way of knowing before you jump.

And there is no way of knowing how the husband or the children will react.

I definitely wouldn't describe myself as content, most of the time anyway. But am I far away hills are greener? Possibly.
Like a pp pointed out, there are people who say why didn't their parents split and others who say why couldn't they stay together. I have a friend whose parents probably should have split, and were more openly at war on and off during her childhood, and she still stays fhey were right to stay together and owed it to them as children to do that. They're still together now, children long reared.. I'm just saying it's not simple.
I also have to consider life for my dc on their days solo with H. I wouldn't describe him as fun or enthusiastic and he can be intolerant. What will he be like as a disappointed, let down XH?
I suppose I wish I was content but am too much of an overthinker for that unfortunately. Women years ago just got on with it (not talking about women in awful situations), kept their family and women friends close, made their own lives for themselves.. maybe that is the best route for now?

Can I ask a random question, is there anything you really want for yourself?

I want to live as full a life as I can and remain close to my dc for life.

I’m asking cause I am asking myself this question. What does a full life mean to me. Yes my kids are there as close to me as possible but what is a full life to me? What is it that I want, so I won’t need someone to fill me up as much.

Trying to be less reliant on others to ensure I fill myself up as much as possible. I think that could change how I see things or at least empower me to be in the right direction such that eventually leaving isn’t such a scary prospect, when the time eventually comes.

💯

I'm definitely not being filled up here so think I am quite self reliant.. when H has been away or unwell I've managed no problem and I actually surprise myself how, when left to do it, I am well able to get it done (he does a lot in the normal way but I've taken back some of this as it wasn't doing me good eg the weekly shop, sounds strange maybe, maybe it's a control thing).
Anyway, a full life is I think one where I'm really living. I have a hobby I'm good at and v involved in competitively. I have lots of friends and a few really good ones. I like time to myself for reading, walking.. simple things but they improve my life. I'm close to my family. I would like to travel more (time and money a factor here). I know I don't have a full life in terms of relationship.

I think (one of) the dangers of "settling as companions" is, is that actually enough for the other person as well? What is going on with them? Are they content or will they take the decision out of your hands at some point?

Maybe they're just waiting it out as well thinking the financial settlement will be more favourable when the dc are adults.

Maybe they're finding excitement and romance elsewhere, and if they fall in love, all bets are off.

@mikado1 it does sound like you are pinning all your happiness on a new relationship. But what if you never find another one? And you've said yourself your kids wouldn't do well being introduced to anyone for years if you split.

I’m in a similar situation to you, albeit my children are older. Before Christmas I looked at the financial implications of leaving. We aren’t hugely well off, but far from watching the pennies and yet the future didn’t look great when split in 2.
I didn’t want that for my family and whilst I’m not happy, I’m not living a horrible life with no joy. We bumble along together I guess.
I don’t think either of us are happy, but he wouldn’t admit it.
I have a hobby I love, lots of friends, some very close friends and for now that is ok. I don’t know if we will always be together, I just fill my life with things I like, good people, pets, plan things with my DH and separately with friends. Like you OP I overthink so I have to be careful not to get lost in a rabbit hole because I end up feeling so incredibly sad with very little perspective (for me) and I’m not that sad, I’m just not joyfully happy in my marriage - enough to actually leave though, I honestly don’t know, but living like this is not uncommon at all from stories I hear from friends at my age (50’s).

So I guess my advice to you would be if you can afford to leave, then plan it and do it when and if you’re ready. You could very well end up resenting him if not. Your children will be fine and adapt. As long as you both handle it sensitively where they are concerned it will be ok. Perhaps not easy but ok.

I hope you find happiness whatever you decide to do

Not a bit, sorry, don't know how you've got that, definitely didnt mean to give that impression. Have no illusions about that and it wouldn't be a priority at all. I'm just sad about the non-relationship I have.

Thank you, lots of food for thought there.

My parents did this. We knew. I always said it wasn’t a marriage I wanted to emulate. They split when I was 32. Got on so much better apart and remained great friends to the end.

It’s hard enough living with someone you do love!

Have you gone any further in your thoughts? I told my husband last night that our situation isn't working and we need a solution...don't know what that solution is though!

If there is no violence or abuse, this is not a terrible message for the kids.

As pp said, marriages can (and always have) exist for pragmatic reasons. Social, financial, co-parenting, pooling resources, business.

It’s not all lust and romance, and the silly notion that every couple must be in love causes much discontent. There are many quality of life factors to weigh.