Thinking of staying and settling...

[mikado1]

First thought obviously the DC and not causing upheaval and upset for them
We get on fine as friends and run the home well, both do our share etc
Shared values
Combined finances make us comfortable but not super well off, it would be more of a struggle solo

Con: there's no real love from my side and I'm lonely

10 and 13

I have 2 different women friends divorcing, their choice and both are unhappy. One is just looking at her own situation and that of her children. There is none of this will I be happy and feel loved again, the other one is sort of hanging out for I don’t know a Prince Charming type.

I think you can be lonelier in a relationship than actually physically alone.

Absolutely.
I'm not holding out any hope for a Prince, Charming or otherwise!

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Staying in a loveless relationship is a terrible example to be showing your children. Do not do that to yourself as well as them.

This relationship is the blueprint for their relationships as adults and they are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing this. There are so many people on this site who wished dearly that their parents had parted ways years earlier but stayed because of them or for a lifestyle they wish to maintain .

Your children are not stupid and they know far more than perhaps either of you care to realise about the parlous state of your relationship Settling with him too stops you from moving on with your life. Feel the fear and do it anyway, be brave and make the break. Do not ever be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life.

Thank you so much.
I read that here a lot and yet I had a wonderful blueprint myself and now look at me!!
Also I have worked with children post separation and 99% of them wish their parents were still together, despite everything. So I find it hard. And at the same time, I agree with you.

Your Dh is supremely selfish in not considering separation but you only need to give your own self permission to leave. He’s not your jailer and you have more power here than you give yourself credit for. You deserve happiness too.

One day too your kids will leave home and what then for you and your h is you are still together then?, your children now adults will be unlikely to want to come back to their childhood home given how miserable the atmosphere is. And they could also accuse you of putting him before them as well as calling you daft for staying.

I know you're right.
The atmosphere is not miserable tho.

It may not be at all miserable on the surface but there could be undercurrents of resentment that are corrosive.

I would again urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway. I’m not suggesting you go immediately of course and a separation or divorce will need planning. But staying because of them, your h not wanting separation for his own reasons or for a lifestyle you want to maintain are really no reasons to stay together. These children cannot and must not be used as glue here to bind you and he together.

I want to consider my reply as I don’t want to project my issues onto you or your circumstances.

Sounds similar though, except my pair are younger which has made it very hard work. A few things that spring to mind.

• you will certainly feel a sense of possibility again, of hope, however this is balanced off with a feeling of insecurity (even if you are completely secure) and a rootlessness or sense of belonging, plastic bag in the wind
• in ways you are trapped but in a different way, a rota and recovering from being trapped 100% on and then they’re gone. It. An be quite exhausting, the up and downness. I am quite sensitive so I struggle with this, your emotions dot mine don’t feel as steady, which is a shock to the system when you’ve been flatlining for so long.
• there certainly isn’t a prince, no one is coming to rescue you, no one can, people give you way more space than you need and you are certainly faced with yourself. Which is no harm obviously and can be viewed as an opportunity. On down lonely days it’s horrible on good days you’re sure everything is as it should be.
• you kids may well cope better than you. My eldest certainly does. He likes the set up, which confuses me and I feel a bit pathetic that he is coping so much! He is incredible in setting a positive tone.
• i adore my kids, not having them with me all the time has broken my heart. I know I need to develop my life again, I can be impatient and need to be more optimistic and let go.
• as we were quite amicable, splitting is actually quite hard, the lines are blurred, we operate still very much as a family which is what I wanted but you’re identity is thrown up in limbo as a result,
• what else????
• it is certainly a new level aloneness but again I don’t always think that’s a bad thing, the security of being in a recognised unit for ten years can distort how you see yourself in the world.
• line up support, I mean a therapist, healer whatever, you cannot and should not go through it alone.
• i still have doubts, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I couldn’t make it work, but I know I have to trust my gut as it has relentlessly screamed at me and still won’t let up. Yes occasionally I feel deluded for making this choice. A passive husband so the lever was only going to be pulled by me and I feel like I carry the burden and guilt of the decision.
• i am sure I can think of more. You will spend a lot of time organising and fixing times for pick ups etc, takes up a surprising amount of time.

a few realities. Some days I am so bloody proud of myself and other days I just want a hug from my Mum!!

One day you will look back and see that it is in fact miserable to be you right now.

I lasted another six months from when I realised I needed to leave but chose to stay for the kids. By then I was leaving for the kids sake.

Your children need you to be happy.

Two years on I wish I'd left way way way sooner.

I deliberated for a very long time on how I could possibly unilaterally end the marriage. It took about 30 seconds in the end to say what needed to be said.

I’ve stayed far, far longer than I should have. First I wanted to go during Covid, but we were locked down, and I wondered if the cause was being forced together so much.
Then there were GCSE’s, then A levels, then DD suffered with her MH, then she needed settling into Uni.
There’s always an excuse to stay, and time passes, and it’s easier to stay. But I’m screaming inside.
Don’t let your life pass you by, like mine has. Think of yourself.

Living in a home where parents have a hostile relationship is terrible for children. Living with amicable parents who don't feel in love is not as clear cut as pp have suggested or would like to believe.

Quite the opposite, lots of research suggests that, such is the penalty in terms of loss when a family is atomised that the vast majority do much better in the situation the op describes.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4240051/

Completely agree with this. Splitting up an amicable family is not in the best interests of the children.

I'm 67 and now prepared to settle for loving companionship with my dearest oldest friend rather than high romance and true love. But I've had true love (my partner died), and I've known the ecstacies and agonies of love. I would never have settled when younger.

My mum was unhappy with my dad, who was a bully, but she never left him. It would have been fabulously empowering to me, as a girl child, if she'd stopped putting up with him and gone.

Only you know what you must do. It doesn't matter whether strangers on the internet felt empowered and free when they left their relationship.

There was a situation a few years ago where I went with the advice of MN hive mind. I regretted that decision for 2 years. I didn't have the epiphany that the posters said I would have. Just because they had it, they presumed everyone does.

There's another thread kicking about from a single mum who sounds so sad and lonely. If you leave, you need to be 100% assured you're doing the right thing, as you'll need it to get through the dark days you will inevitably have.

And my experience is that I knew ending my marriage was the absolute right thing after my XH cheated repeatedly in an abhorrent way. Years on, I still have evenings where I weep for my now adult children that they never had the upbringing they were entitled to of 2 loving parents in a safe home.

Don't jump because MN tells you to jump is my advice.

Why should he leave though, it's OP that wants the change.

Thanks everyone. I know it's not simple and I know to take this advice as advice and not instruction.
While not hostile I wouldn't describe what we have as loving companionship, not by a long shot. A friendship. Huge trust, yes. Respect and some kindness, yes. Connection and closeness,no. Great conversation, no. And that sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

I've been mulling this over for years and if I stay I'm sure I will continue to, that's why I thought if I make a conscious choice to settle I might get more peace from it. Am I wanting too much from one person I don't know. I don't think so. Is it worth opening up the marriage or separating openly but continuing to live together as a family... these are all thoughts in my head.

I posted yesterday and I have read every single update since.

I am very much familiar with the feeling "loneliness together ". My husband and I also had separate bedrooms following the birth of my 2nd child (came very quickly after the 1st).

What has saved my marriage and what keeps it going despite 2 teenagers in the house? (My husband and I sometimes joke we wish we could rehome the teenagers and keep the dog).

I was determined that my children will be spending their Christmas under one Christmas tree. I do believe that unless there's open warfare between parents, the children are better off if the parents stay together. The days I absolutely resented my husband I imagined the first Christmas as a divorced woman. That was enough motivation for me to keep the show on the road.

Then a friend of mine recommended a book 5 Languages of Love (link below). My language of love is physical touch and I wasn't getting any, not even a peck in the cheek (as we were sleeping in separate bedrooms).

My husband's language of love is spending quality time together. That was easier to fix. I just started watching TV with him rather than reading a book in my bedroom. Also joining him when he was taking our dog for a walk. Even though at that point in time I really didn't want to spend time with him. My rationale was surely watching a movie together as an experiment to test the book's point can't do me much harm.

Interestingly, my husband then became much more agreeable when it came with domestic chores division (even though we still didn't share a bedroom). I then got flowers and chocolates for my birthday, not just a card. Gradually things improved to the point we are loving each other again

So I swear by advice of this book. Another good one Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons

www.amazon.co.uk/5-Love-Languages-Gary-Chapman/dp/080241270X/ref=asc_df_080241270X?mcid=2878063e6680358f914b96b036dfe9a4&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=8704919431586369649-080241270X-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8704919431586369649&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195712&hvtargid=pla-2281435177418&psc=1&gad_source=1

My bet is that either you or your friend are a Christian @Kosenrufugirl 😁

Love languages is a great book. I've benefitted from applying the principles to my relationship with my children.

I felt a like this before Christmas. DH went away and I felt like life was easier without him here. However I have 3 kids and mine are younger than yours.

DH and I had a chat about things, I suggested marriage counselling but he wasn’t really onboard. He had been moody around then, shouting at the kids etc but he has improved since then, he is trying, and I’m working at it too.

How old are you? I’m mid 40s and perimenopausal and it’s playing havoc with my moods. I’m seeing the gp next week to talk about hrt. I don’t think I was in the right headspace a few months ago to make a big decision about separating or not. I did some budget calculations for living on my own, but I never made an appointment with a solicitor, that seemed a step too far.

It’s very easy for posters to say just leave, it’ll be great, you’ll have a fantastic life but you’ll be the one living with the consequences.

You sound uncertain right now. Maybe you could try individual counselling? Maybe sit down and look at your finances, what you would likely get in a split, what house you could afford etc. and imagine what custody arrangements you’d have, how you would feel not seeing the kids all the time etc. Read some of the posts from single parents on here about the realities and dating, it isn’t all rainbows and roses. Perhaps make an appointment with a solicitor and get an idea what you’d be entitled to.

Then, if you’re still unsure, given yourself a few months off from thinking about it and revisit in 3-6 months time?

Great post!

I think it’s an unfair characterisation to say people have told her to jump. Given my own situation at various points though I think I’d still come down to the fundamental fact that you are in a relationship because you both want to be in it. As soon as it becomes about children and societal pressure and money rather than love and connection and companionship it’s more problematic. Just my opinion.

Agree with pp that we get less tolerant as we get older. I have found that I really like my own space and had grown very intolerant of someone who I had grown distant from for a range of reasons sharing that space.

But it’s right that only you can know what to do. I think you know you want to end it and I think you need to know it’s okay to want that. It’s also okay to end up staying cos leaving it too hard.

Sending lots of positive vibes

My friend is a Christian. I am a Buddhist 🤗

Further to the earlier message...
Here's the link to the of my book recommendations. £8.15 for the paper copy.

www.amazon.co.uk/Loving-Against-Odds-Rob-Parsons/dp/0340995998