I left. What now?

[Crackersnap]

I have been married to a narcissistic man for 20 years. Put up with all sorts of abuse. The past year has been a living hell. This morning I was woken up by him pulling my cover off and kicking me and being pulled out of bed and told to pack my stuff and get out.

Then he went and brought in a big roll of bin bags and threw them at me and told me to pack my stuff and f off.

I was so stunned I didn't really know what was going on at first. So he grabbed the bags and started filling them with all my stuff and throwing at the front door.

This hullabaloo woke up all my children and he then started kicking stuff all over the house and kicked a pair of shoes which almost hit our daughter in the face while shouting take your effing kids with you I want you all out now.

I tried to film him but he attacked me and took the phone.

So I just helped my kids pack up our stuff as quick as we could. It's not easy to pack in that situation.

We grabbed all the things we thought we'd need.
As it was all downstairs ready to go in the car he said to the kids go into the other room me and your mum need to chat first.

Then he said to me I'm giving you an ultimatum either go away now or I'll let you stay if you agree to do everything I say when I say it and understand I am the boss of this house and respect me etc etc. gave me a list of conditions I had to agree to. 1 was give him sex as many times as he wants it and every time he asks. This is because I recently refused as I had a bad flu and literally couldn't get myself out of bed never mind provide sex! 2 was don't speak unless I have been given permission and don't argue with anything he says. 3 was give him the respect he deserves as the man of the house. 4 was don't treat him badly and put the kids first and give them attention because he needs attention more.

He said if I don't agree to those conditions I'm not a wife and I need to go. For some reason at that moment I just had enough. I just said no I don't agree to those conditions and I never will and I got my kids put our stuff in the car and left. I don't think he thought I'd leave. As I was packing the car he said you'll be back in a few days begging me to take you back.

I'm now in my dad's spare room sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags with my kids. I have no job, wasn't allowed to work, he controlled all the money.

Part of me thinks what did I do. But a huge part of me thinks this is the first night in a long time where I won't have to wonder if he'll attack me in my sleep. And yet I can't sleep!

Any advice appreciated.

Hi OP

Get advice asap from Women’s Aid. Also log this with the police - he assaulted you and then threw you and the children out. Then see a solicitor.

In the long run you will all be better off without him.

Im so sorry you went through that and so glad you did not agree to his terms. I'm not surprised you can't sleep, are the children his? Get support from a domestic abuse service and if you feel up to it, report to the police, this will help if you need to apply for a non-molestation order if he starts harassing you. Its likely once he realises your not coming back he'll make contact. This will be the most dangerous time for you as his usual tactics haven't worked. If he does do anything you might be safer in a refuge, you will be supported to apply for your own home as well.
Start the divorce process.
Good luck to you op

You did the right thing to leave! That is extremely abusive behaviour and nothing you would want your children to take on in a future partner. Take some courses on Coursera and get a good, high paying job. If you can't, use the government website to take a skills bootcamp. You've got this.

Yes they are all his children. It's because they were asking me if I was ok. Nobody is allowed to show me any caring or kind behaviour. That results in abuse or silent treatment as a punishment. Well today the punishment was to be discarded.

I feel numb and shell shocked almost. I was planning to get all my things in order then if I had to leave I'd be fine. I feel like it all happened so fast but part of me thinks if I'd stayed and agreed to that I'd be in so much of a worse position.

Someone like that can never be satisfied, even if all of their demands are met - which would've been very, very unreasonable as you know. He would likely have felt entitled to 'punish' you even harder for the tiniest mistake, change his rules without warning just to catch you out, and it would be hell for your children.

You absolutely did the right thing. Well done!

I hope your dad's showing you some caring, kind behaviour. Please do call the Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247, and start from there. With advice and support, you will start building the future you and your DC deserve. And you will meet with caring kindness.

Utter fucking bastard. Women's aid is your first port of call. I'd also report to the police. I have a narcissist in my life. Nothing this extreme as we don't have kids. I'd have well. I won't say. He's a monster OP. Approach your local authority as well but I assume WA will take care of that stuff. And darlIng. Please never look back. Your babies need their mummy to protect them from monsters. You need a divorce lawyer asap. And I hope you have a big brother or two. Women's aid. Block the monster. You are power. Your children deserve better as do you. And lovely you've got this ❤️

@Crackersnap
Police report (did you keep the list?)
Tell them everything.

Restraining oder.

Solicitor and urgent file for support and full custody.

and

www.womensaid.org.uk

I've been there, too btw. My ex also gave me a list of conditions I had to adhere to in order to stay.

Thank goodness you and your children are away from him and safe. No-one should have to tolerate that level of abuse. No child should grow up thinking that is normal.

Agree with pp. Log everything with the police. Make a formal complaint of assault and coercive control. Call Women's Aid.

Then see a solicitor. Do all three tomorrow. You need a restraining order.

Next week, talk to the school safeguarding officer and explain what your children have witnessed. Ask what support they can give you. Would your DH try to abduct the children to force you back?

How old are they? If 11 or 12 upwards, the court will take their views on who they want to live with, in to account.

I'd start looking for a job next. It would get you out of the house, help to restore your confidence, help you to see a way forward. But you do what you need to do, in your own time.
Good luck xx

Well done @Crackersnap You’ve done an amazing thing here. Life will start to get better now and you have a whole new future in front of you 💐

What now there is a life of peace and sanity waiting. This level of control and obsession is a dictatorship and glad you found the courage to escape its hard when fear is the key that locks you in.
Many women have got entangled including myself and please don’t entertain thoughts of self blame or pity for him when he comes begging. That’s right it will be him that will be begging not you because he needs you noticing him to give him power over you. Don’t give him any attention to feed off.
Glad you got your family unit out safe and its about rebuilding and healing now.
Don’t ever go back they get worse second time around they don’t change just act with charm to get you through the door.
Glad he spelt it out he pushed you over a boundary and your inner voice came calling. That inner voice is your guide that truly keeps you safe. Don’t doubt it lean into it and nuture it. It is where bravery and risks with rewards lurk . We don’t often find it because society dampens it down because we keep our heads down and soldier on but that inner voice is the one that commands you it can guide you just don’t confuse it with fear or self doubt. Trust yourself as being capable, wise and you can discover who you are.
Peace , Stability , Calm this will become a very attractive goal and its delicious to get there trust me you’ll get pleasure in the simple things and life will never be boring as u know what novelty calm is thats the gift of this experience.

I’m in my early 30’s now but I grew up in a household like yours, please don’t go back.
Your children might not realise yet (or for a while) how lucky they are that they’re out.
Both me and my siblings begged my Mum to go back because the longer we were away the angrier he’d get.
We were all traumatised.
Do not go back.
Get all the help and support you can, you can do this, life can be so much more for you all now ❤️

Please report to the police....this needs to be recorded incase he wants to "get hus kids" further down the line.
Womens aid is a good starting point.
Congratulations - you've made the first step to a new abuse free life. I know it's scary, daunting and a shock right now but seek support from agencies like Womens Aid and keep looking forward not back. He'll never change and you and your kids deserve better.

God you need to report this man to the police and get a restraining order on him

Going back there is so dangerous and children should be protected from monsters like him

These threads break my heart

No real man kicks their children out in the middle of the night

Do you have your own bank account or access to a joint account? If you have a joint account, move half of the money out to a brand new bank account in your name.

Is the house jointly owned or rental and is your name on the deeds or rental agreement?

If it's a rental, call the letting agent & inform them you have left the property. Ask them to remove your name from the rental agreement so you're not responsible for the rent.

If the house is owned directly by your husband and not you, then register your interest in the property. He can't sell without repaying what's owed to you first. Particularly if you've paid towards anything such as windows or kitchens etc.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_cohabiting_sole_homeowners/preventing_sale_or_disposal_if_one_partner_is_the_sole_owner

Well done, you have absolutely done the right thing for yourself and your kids.

Sounds like you are somewhere reasonably safe? That’s a top priority. Hopefully your dad will let you stay a while. If you feel able to, consider sharing with your dad what you’ve been going through. There may come a time when you think maybe it wasn’t so bad or you’re tempted to go back. Having a close friend or family member who knows the truth - as much as you can bear to share - can help protect from this. Also he needs to know not to tell your husband anything or let him in the house if he comes looking for you.

Log this incident with the police. It will be important to have a record. He physically assaulted you and attempted to hurt your child. If you have any visible marks on your body, take a picture. Have it on record that you are afraid for the children’s safety with him (assuming you are), as well as your own. Make sure they know this is not an isolated incident but part of a long term and escalating pattern of abuse.

Do you have all your important documents like passport, driving license, certificates? If they are still at the house, is it possible to get them out safely? Do not go back to the house alone, it sounds like he could become dangerous without warning. Maybe something to ask women’s aid / police for advice on.

Do you have access to a bank account? If you can, set up an account in your name only and move half of your joint cash into it. The actual financial arrangement will come later but you need something to live on in the meantime and you are allowed to use your joint money for that. At least make sure you have a bank account for yourself. If you don’t have access to money then try to get an appointment with citizens advice to find out what benefits are available for you. Also, don’t be ashamed to ask for direct financial help from friends and family if you need it over the next weeks and months.

Speak to a solicitor. Again, beg money from family if you have to, or you may be entitled to legal aid. Find out what you can do to keep your children safe. I’d want to let school / nursery / clubs know not to let them go with him, only you, but check with someone who knows the law that this wouldn’t be used against you later. In non abusive separations it would be important to show that you’re not withholding the kids, but where you have concerns for their safety it might be justified - get advice for your situation. A solicitor can also advise on the financial settlement. It can be a long road if he’s not cooperative but eventually he will be compelled to show all assets and you are entitled to a share.

And start looking for work. An income of your own will help so much. That brings up the question of childcare, of course. This step might look different depending on the age of your kids.

That’s the practical stuff, the other side is to breathe. Hold your children close. This is a great time of year to start a new life - look at all the spring flowers starting to grow, notice the evenings just beginning to get lighter. Spend time with people who love you and make you feel safe. There is a beautiful and peaceful life to be had.

Sorry this has happened to you and your dc.
A typical list of demands from a narc. Heard similar from my ex.

If you can get to your Council later today and show them you are homeless with the unsuitable and overcrowded room at your df.

Police if you feel brave enough.

I think police can escort you when you go to get the rest of your belongings.

Schools need to know. Tell them if you are concerned about kidknapping, retaliation or revenge. They have heard it all before.

Womens Aid for advice and support.

Switch off phone location. No need to speak verbally if he gets in touch. You don't need his voice bouncing around in your head. Keep all communication by text or email. Brace yourself for threats and false promises.

Universal Credit application today.

CMS application today. If you feel stressed by that, it is for your dc. He is a nasty bastard, but a nasty bastard has responsibilities too. If he retaliates by demanding to see dc, then Womens Aid or other DV charities can advise.

You are free now to job hunt when you feel ready.

It is entirely possible that in a few days he will be in touch to get you back. He will reimagine it as a 'test' he planned for you. You failed, but he will give you another chance.

I am so relieved you are out. Nothing is ever good enough for a narc. They change the goal posts for fun.

Good to hear you were planning to leave. It is just the physical logistics now. He has given you the gift of freedom.

Very best of luck xx

My god, this is awful to read op. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
In terms of what you do now @2catsandhappy list is very comprehensive. Those are the steps to take asap to find some stability and security for you and your dc.

I am sure you are in shock at the moment but, in time, you will realise that actually the rancid fucker has done you a favour. His list of “demands” are completely abusive and controlling. That is his problem and not yours.
You are away from him now, this is your chance to make that permanent. I bet he was surprised you left, but I would not be surprised if he comes crawling back, spouting a load of lies to get you to return. if you do, he will continue exactly as he is and nothing will change. Don’t let that happen. You and your dc deserve far more than this abusive, controlling, twat.

Hold your line op, you CAN do this. Good luck xx

Well done for leaving op.

Now get a solicitor and work on getting your share of any assets of the marriage. Be good to find one with experience of domestic abuse.

The Rights of Women and Women's Aid should be able to signpost you.

Well done on leaving. It's really hard. I did it in October. Their attempt at control and abuse doesn't end but you have power now. I'd keep any communication by text and only for arrangements for children. A lawyer might be able to get a court order to get him out of the house so you and kids can live there whilst this is ongoing. You should report him to the police. This abuse is criminal. He will get bail conditions not to go near you or the house - so you could live their in relative peace (unless he breaches the order..... which could see him in jail) you might not want to go back to the house - that is understandable.
What you described is awful. You have maybe got used to this behaviour and think it's normal - it's not. You and your children do not deserve this abuse. Please don't go back to him. Even if this was the first time, it won't be the last time. We'll done for taking this step. The rest won't be easy but it will be worth it.

I'm so glad you're out.
This level of abuse sounds illegal, with financial abuse added in as well. Nightmare. You shouldn't have to live like that for one minute. And not one minute more either.
I hope you get legal advice, and help from women's aid and you will for sure get loads of support on here.
I agree about talking to the school.
Do you have real life support? Someone you can tell and be honest with who can help?

I'm not going to repeat other poster's as you've had some good advice already on next steps. What I will say is well done for leaving and not accepting the ultimatum, not just for yourself but your children too. Take things slowly you've been throw A LOT so it will feel overwhelming for a while until you get your head around things.

But seriously, this is the beginning of your new life. Hugs.x

I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say that your life starts here. No one should live like that and your kids shouldn’t have to grow up thinking that’s normal and so a pattern that will be tolerated and repeated.

Stay strong and get all the advice and support you can. Please don’t go back.

Sending love and strength x

What an idiot!!!what makes him think he's your boss? Man of the house?? Well done for leaving and don't look back. I agree with others you need professional support eg police

No advice it has all been given, but bloody well done. Keep strong. Today is your first day of freedom,