I left. What now?

[Crackersnap]

I have been married to a narcissistic man for 20 years. Put up with all sorts of abuse. The past year has been a living hell. This morning I was woken up by him pulling my cover off and kicking me and being pulled out of bed and told to pack my stuff and get out.

Then he went and brought in a big roll of bin bags and threw them at me and told me to pack my stuff and f off.

I was so stunned I didn't really know what was going on at first. So he grabbed the bags and started filling them with all my stuff and throwing at the front door.

This hullabaloo woke up all my children and he then started kicking stuff all over the house and kicked a pair of shoes which almost hit our daughter in the face while shouting take your effing kids with you I want you all out now.

I tried to film him but he attacked me and took the phone.

So I just helped my kids pack up our stuff as quick as we could. It's not easy to pack in that situation.

We grabbed all the things we thought we'd need.
As it was all downstairs ready to go in the car he said to the kids go into the other room me and your mum need to chat first.

Then he said to me I'm giving you an ultimatum either go away now or I'll let you stay if you agree to do everything I say when I say it and understand I am the boss of this house and respect me etc etc. gave me a list of conditions I had to agree to. 1 was give him sex as many times as he wants it and every time he asks. This is because I recently refused as I had a bad flu and literally couldn't get myself out of bed never mind provide sex! 2 was don't speak unless I have been given permission and don't argue with anything he says. 3 was give him the respect he deserves as the man of the house. 4 was don't treat him badly and put the kids first and give them attention because he needs attention more.

He said if I don't agree to those conditions I'm not a wife and I need to go. For some reason at that moment I just had enough. I just said no I don't agree to those conditions and I never will and I got my kids put our stuff in the car and left. I don't think he thought I'd leave. As I was packing the car he said you'll be back in a few days begging me to take you back.

I'm now in my dad's spare room sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags with my kids. I have no job, wasn't allowed to work, he controlled all the money.

Part of me thinks what did I do. But a huge part of me thinks this is the first night in a long time where I won't have to wonder if he'll attack me in my sleep. And yet I can't sleep!

Any advice appreciated.

Yes I am receiving support from womens aid. The problem is a lot of therapists, police, other professionals don't understand narcissistic behaviour very well.

He will be so so dangerous to you now if you go back to him again. He will have to show you a lesson for daring to go against him and sticking up for yourself. Once you’re back the abuse will be so much worse. Please for your own safety, and that of your children, do not go back to this man.

Wow! You should be really proud of yourself. It may not seem like it now, but this is the first day of the rest of your life. Just don’t be tempted to go back. He doesn’t deserve you and you and your kids deserve to be safe and happy. I’m sure one day you’ll look back on this day with total relief. Take care and good luck x

I suppose he will get angry when he realises you’re really not coming back. It’s hard to predict but may escalate from ‘nicely’ asking you to come back, through harassment and insults and blame, to threats and aggression. Be firm and businesslike when you have to talk to him, engage as little as possible. Women’s aid will have better advice on this.

I understand you not wanting to involve the police but you do need to find out what protections are possible, especially what will happen about his contact with your daughter. The worst case scenario is that he targets her as a way to punish you. This is one of the reasons people have been advising that you need the abuse logged, so if he does anything that could put your daughter at risk you’re more likely to be taken seriously. I’m sorry, I know that’s an awful thing to consider. You are both much safer away from him but the more protection you can get the better.

You need to block his number from your daughters phone

you need to give your son the courage to be patient and tell him when the time is right you can take him to live with you

forget about insurance and assume you have it unless he tells you otherwise

don’t go back at all - it is a trap and he will continue his abuse

claim benefits and child maintenance asap

@Crackersnap hi op I hope you and the kids are safe and well . I am hear to chat or any questions you need help with or anything of your chest to keep you away .

Please please don’t go back.
He will end up killing you.
Your kids will take all this into their adult relationships

Hi OP, have been following you for a while now and hoping that you and your dc are ok. You are being so incredibly strong but never feel bad about letting off steam and dropping your guard here, we are all
here to support you xx

OP, I really hope you are well and you didn’t go back.

Sorry I never realised there were more comments added to this thread.

We are all very well. We never returned there. I had reported him for all the things he did to the police. He continued to try to harass me, intimidate me and assault me out in the street. He was arrested finally a few weeks ago and charged but released on pretty lenient bail conditions. He now tries to control me through my children.

Even through all this I can honestly say that I am 100% better off out of there than still there.

Yes it's a struggle at times but it was a bigger struggle there.

Life there was walking on eggshells and just every aspect of normal life weaponised against us. Not allowed to sleep, eating was an issue, not allowed friends, or family contact, couldn't go to work but also was criticised for not working. Then there was the physical violence.

I look back now and thank God we are not there anymore. I thank everyone on here who gave advice. Our church helped us so much as did family and friends. Even people who I had not spoken to as I wasn't allowed. They all said the same thing, they knew there was something not right.

Please please if you are in a similar situation to what I was in please get help. But please get it from the right people.

People asked me why didn't you say anything and at first I blamed myself but then I looked back and thought I did. I told people at first and most people said that's just how some men are. Just don't take any notice it's a man thing that type of stuff.

So my advice is get help, seek help but get it from the right people. Womens aid is great. I'm sure others can add their suggestions for anyone reading that needs it.

It is the hardest thing to leave and to stay away but once you get out and learn and breathe and live without that constant fear and mind control it is the best thing ever.

Thank you to everyone who helped us ❤️

OP, I was delighted to read all these posts (didn’t
see it at the time) and see that you didn’t go back to him. Well done you. You should be extremely proud of yourself. What a horrible, horrible man.

What an amazing update. I didn't see your thread originally but I'm so glad you have managed to stay away. I wish you and your children all the very best

I am so happy for you, OP and well done! You and your children will be so much happier now. Wish you all the best!

So it's financial abuse, coercive control, rape, child abuse (abusing you infront of anybody under 18 is classed as child abuse),, and domestic violence, I'd guess police & a solicitor would be a first step. oh making you homeless with children, I'm reasonably sure he had to provide a roof over his children's heads until they are 16. If you have been with him 20 years in assuming they are his children too.
There's a programme on itvx i was watching last night, it might be a bit raw but it's survivors of domestic abuse, called behind closed doors, with queen camilla, she is the patron of one of these charity's.
Don't go back, you have taken your first step. I'm pleased your dad took you in, I know that sounds odd but go back 50 years they wouldn't of done as it was seen as "just a domestic" & all kinds of vile things.
Police, solicitor, that programme, then i guess women's aid or safespace i think it's called

So sorry pp what a vile man,you did the Wright thing and left ,I know it's horrible having to sleep on a floor,but it's gotta be better than agreeing to that mans awfull demands,good luck I hope you find happiness 😊

Oh I didn't read the update, pleased there's light at the end of the tunnel & help was out there. Good luck in everything you do.

Glad you're getting the help and support Op. What about your 18/19 Yr old DS, is he still being blackmailed to stay there?

Glad you stayed out op.
Did your son manage to get away in the end?

It might be worthwhile doing the freedom program if you can. And teaching your daughter about what it has to say too. She will be vulnerable to domestic abuse because of her father so uts important to work with her on learning how to spot abusers early on etc...

Well done to you, hopefully you've got somewhere to live and a car that's safely in your name.

My son is unfortunately still there. He's barely allowed to see us. My son is highly functioning autistic so understands everything but doesn't have the courage to leave. Police said they can't do anything as he's an adult now and would have to report it himself. Of course when you are in that situation you don't want to, you are scared.

I still have the car. He did cancel the insurance! I found out by being pulled over by police. Luckily I explained my situation and they let me sit at the side of the road and get insurance! I had to phone family and borrow money to pay for it as I had not had any benefits yet and had just started a new job!

Oh it's not been a picnic in the park by any means, he ran a smear campaign against me, vandalised my car, gave away my stuff out of that house, stalked me, hit me in the street. I could go on.

I also found out he has a five year old child with someone else and he was seeing her the whole time. And now he's seeing her lots he's also got someone else apart from just her. I really hope that the court see fit to jail him. Not because I want revenge but because he is a danger to women.

Truth be told I've a heck of a battle coming up with the court case but I'll do it for the sake of myself, my children and other women out there.

And to date he has refused to pay a penny in child support so hopefully I get more out of the assets because of that.

So glad you managed to leave. I know it’s never ‘the end’ but it is a massive improvement overall - when things seem hard you have to hold onto that - sounds as if you do, so well done.
Nothing is ever perfect or just so but when it’s the best it can be then be proud of yourself - be proud this thread may give others inspiration too.
All best wishes today and going forwards.

Well done Op for leaving. Good luck with the court case.

Apply for child maintenance via cms

Why dont You Pick up your son?

I've tried he literally won't leave. He is so manipulated by his dad. The police asked him if he wanted to report anything. The house is due to be sold now and my son said when that happens that'll be his chance to leave and come with us. I really hope so.

I did apply through CMS but they apparently cant force him to pay and he is self employed so is hiding his funds.

Kinda sounds like he gets women pregnant so that they are trapped, he will treat the others just the same as he treated you, they are tied via a child the same as you were, you were stuck via marriage aswell though.

At least you see him for what he is & hoping fir a decent outcome. He won't be jailed but you might get a decent settlement.