I left. What now?

[Crackersnap]

I have been married to a narcissistic man for 20 years. Put up with all sorts of abuse. The past year has been a living hell. This morning I was woken up by him pulling my cover off and kicking me and being pulled out of bed and told to pack my stuff and get out.

Then he went and brought in a big roll of bin bags and threw them at me and told me to pack my stuff and f off.

I was so stunned I didn't really know what was going on at first. So he grabbed the bags and started filling them with all my stuff and throwing at the front door.

This hullabaloo woke up all my children and he then started kicking stuff all over the house and kicked a pair of shoes which almost hit our daughter in the face while shouting take your effing kids with you I want you all out now.

I tried to film him but he attacked me and took the phone.

So I just helped my kids pack up our stuff as quick as we could. It's not easy to pack in that situation.

We grabbed all the things we thought we'd need.
As it was all downstairs ready to go in the car he said to the kids go into the other room me and your mum need to chat first.

Then he said to me I'm giving you an ultimatum either go away now or I'll let you stay if you agree to do everything I say when I say it and understand I am the boss of this house and respect me etc etc. gave me a list of conditions I had to agree to. 1 was give him sex as many times as he wants it and every time he asks. This is because I recently refused as I had a bad flu and literally couldn't get myself out of bed never mind provide sex! 2 was don't speak unless I have been given permission and don't argue with anything he says. 3 was give him the respect he deserves as the man of the house. 4 was don't treat him badly and put the kids first and give them attention because he needs attention more.

He said if I don't agree to those conditions I'm not a wife and I need to go. For some reason at that moment I just had enough. I just said no I don't agree to those conditions and I never will and I got my kids put our stuff in the car and left. I don't think he thought I'd leave. As I was packing the car he said you'll be back in a few days begging me to take you back.

I'm now in my dad's spare room sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags with my kids. I have no job, wasn't allowed to work, he controlled all the money.

Part of me thinks what did I do. But a huge part of me thinks this is the first night in a long time where I won't have to wonder if he'll attack me in my sleep. And yet I can't sleep!

Any advice appreciated.

As others have said, police and Women's Aid ASAP. A peaceful life awaits for you and your children.

This is good news op.

You've done the first step (had it done for you).

Your life, and your children's lives, is a million times better without this scum anywhere near it.

I hope you're getting some sleep, OP. Well done for getting out. Now follow advice from PPs to help you to stay out.

Today is the first day of you and your children’s new lives. Your situation may not be ideal in some ways (accommodation wise etc) but this is a massive blessing.
In terms of practicalities today can you get to the council and ask to speak to your housing team about emergency housing? I’d also ask them if they can refer you for a local domestic abuse service for one to one support so you can better understand yourself and your children’s experiences and keep all of you safe in the future. You also need to let all the children’s education settings what’s going on so they can support the children. Finally, did you manage to get all your important paperwork etc when he kicked you out? If not it might be helpful to take a male who your ex won’t kick off in front of to the house to get anything important. The police can come with you if necessary.

This is such important and helpful advice ^^

Good luck op 💐
You absolutely did the right thing by leaving.

If you are up to it go to the police. As @2catsandhappy said I think you may be able to get some more of your belongings. Also his abuse does not have to go unpunished.
I hope your dad is supportive and you can take a breath today and see what to do.💐

I've recently left an abuser, we don't share children, and mine are older
You are incredibly brave
Contact FLOWS, they can help you complete the form for a non molestation order and an occupancy order -02037457707

Contact your local DAIPS service; they will allocate you an IDVA

Report to the police, I cannot say what the outcome would be, only that based on my experience he would be arrested and either remanded, or bailed to a different address

Well done OP on leaving. He sounds like a complete bastard. Your kids shouldn't have to live with a person like that. Stay strong.

And if you haven't already, register your marital home rights. It is really easy, and free

Call the police. He is guilty of coercive control at the very least. Speak to Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity and find a solicitor. As you are married to this abusive arsehole, you would be entitled to 50% of the marital assets, including the house.

Well done for walking away, his demands are very concerning and I know it doesn't feel like it now - you've done the right thing. I would search for a local domestic violence charity in your area for advice today. Women's aid services are completely overwhelmed and difficult to access. A local service helped me and I'd suggest that as opposed to a huge organisation, they all have the same connections. You need to be housed in temporary accommodation or a safe shelter today so don't delay! They will give you a support worker and liaise with services in your area who can support you as well as help you report this vile man to the police. I was taken seriously and helped immensely, 2 years on I'm in a very different place and actually don't remember those dark times! You've got to take one step at a time, keep you and your children safe and accept the help offered however sad that might feel right now. Sending love and strength your way xx

Well done! Very brave! Your account of his abuse was absolutely chilling and his list of demands horrific to read. Take everyone’s good advice upthread. But also realize that you are like someone who has lived in an oppressive cult for twenty years—your dh’s cult of personality-and it will take some time for you and your children to deprogram yourselves. You will all have various degrees of complex PTSD. I hope the women’s groups can offer you and the children some therapeutic support. You are going to need a lot to process and digest the cruelty of your relationship to him and for the children to manage.

How’s it going, OP? Are you still out? There are people here to support you, whatever’s going on.

Definitely log it with police. These things tend to escalate, so you need a line of proof.
Well done for getting out, shame your kids dad is such an abusive man.

What an absolutely truly evil man.

Well done for getting your kids and yourself out of that.

You count as 'economically inactive' which means you are likely to be able to access supported employment projects which will help you into work. Some of these are extremely good and will pay for training, mentoring, equipment if you want to start up your own business, help you with CVs, interview technique etc. Ask at your local council or job centre.

Barnadoes provide some excellent support for children and parents and if you feel you or your children need this then you can contact them. They may able to provide play therapy and talking therapy and talking therapy for you. There are also family support services and your local council may provide these.

I was actually really surprised by how much support was available once I was in the system.

Other posters have given specific details of your next actions.
So I want to say I’m so sorry that you & DC have been put through this terrible ordeal.
Hopefully the light in the tunnel will shine brighter and brighter for you all. 💐

Sorry for my absence it's been a tough and hectic few days. I am still at my Dad's house. Wednesday was yesterday. I didn't return the children as he requested. I also didn't return and give in to his demands.

I have been to womens aid they gave me lots of practical stuff to be getting on with.

He phoned my daughter yesterday (she's 12) and asked her if we were on our way back yet. She said no. He said to her well don't bother then as far as I'm concerned I'm closing this chapter in my life and want nothing more to do with any of you. Then proceeds to phone her constantly for the rest of the evening and this morning. She ended up turning her phone off.

He is keeping our 18 year old son there though. Son wants to leave but is being told I fed you when you were a child, changed your nappies, worked for you etc etc. you can't leave. Also trying to stop our son from being allowed to contact us at all.

I have the family car with me. It's in my name. We both bought it. He wants it back today. Said I've to return it to him this morning! I really need it and have no money to buy another car.

You need to get help for your son. He is being controlled by his Father. Can Woman's Aid advise on this. Your son needs to get out.

The car is in both your names. He has no more right to it than you. Keep it. Ownership can be sorted in the divorce. He has the house for now, after all.

You need to keep full logs of everything and keep updating the police. He's angry, lost control of you, and this is possibly the most dangerous time, as in the time of leaving - he's just finding stuff to be angry about and it will continue a while.
The police should definitely take it seriously and take a multi agency approach. Hopefully they can help your son too, make suggestions at least, as he's 18.
I left my ex suddenly to go to a refuge - it was the first good night's sleep I'd had for ages, without realising previously how bad my sleep must have been, I held onto that through the difficult bits and all turned out ok. Hold onto whatever you need to stay away - this guy is way over and above more awful than I've come across - even in the refuges. You're so brave and deserve a future and peaceful life.

Go to the police and tell them everything.

Then phone Women's Aid.

Sorry I missed your update.

You still need to go to the police.

You need to call the police and tell them what's been going on. If you have the list still that will be helpful. He needs to be investigated for DV and coercive and controlling behaviour.

Don't give him the car.

You've split up now, he has no right to tell you what to do.

He will go for custody of the children next, and at the minute he's the one with the house, the money and the resources to fight.

You need to get ahead of it and get the police involved so any court case will be well aware he's facing charges of domestic abuse. Otherwise he will steamroller you and take everything. If you are a victim of DV you will be entitled to legal aid bit you will only get that if you get the police and other agencies involved and start officially documenting his abuse.

Police. Now. This is serious domestic abuse.

Others are correct. You are now probably in your most vulnerable position. You have left, he fully expected you to be back by now, tail between your legs, ready to adhere to his 'rules'. He will soon start realising he's losing control, and that's when he will be at his most dangerous. You must report him to the police. You have done the hardest part, and left. Don't go back, what ever you do, for your children's sake. You need to report him for your son's sake, who is still stuck, probably frightened with his Dad. He might be 18, but he's not in a position to be able to deal with him. Seek advice from a solicitor asap..

Oh and if you have access to any joint accounts you should move half the money somewhere only you can access.

Keep posting OP. You've got this.