I left. What now?

[Crackersnap]

I have been married to a narcissistic man for 20 years. Put up with all sorts of abuse. The past year has been a living hell. This morning I was woken up by him pulling my cover off and kicking me and being pulled out of bed and told to pack my stuff and get out.

Then he went and brought in a big roll of bin bags and threw them at me and told me to pack my stuff and f off.

I was so stunned I didn't really know what was going on at first. So he grabbed the bags and started filling them with all my stuff and throwing at the front door.

This hullabaloo woke up all my children and he then started kicking stuff all over the house and kicked a pair of shoes which almost hit our daughter in the face while shouting take your effing kids with you I want you all out now.

I tried to film him but he attacked me and took the phone.

So I just helped my kids pack up our stuff as quick as we could. It's not easy to pack in that situation.

We grabbed all the things we thought we'd need.
As it was all downstairs ready to go in the car he said to the kids go into the other room me and your mum need to chat first.

Then he said to me I'm giving you an ultimatum either go away now or I'll let you stay if you agree to do everything I say when I say it and understand I am the boss of this house and respect me etc etc. gave me a list of conditions I had to agree to. 1 was give him sex as many times as he wants it and every time he asks. This is because I recently refused as I had a bad flu and literally couldn't get myself out of bed never mind provide sex! 2 was don't speak unless I have been given permission and don't argue with anything he says. 3 was give him the respect he deserves as the man of the house. 4 was don't treat him badly and put the kids first and give them attention because he needs attention more.

He said if I don't agree to those conditions I'm not a wife and I need to go. For some reason at that moment I just had enough. I just said no I don't agree to those conditions and I never will and I got my kids put our stuff in the car and left. I don't think he thought I'd leave. As I was packing the car he said you'll be back in a few days begging me to take you back.

I'm now in my dad's spare room sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags with my kids. I have no job, wasn't allowed to work, he controlled all the money.

Part of me thinks what did I do. But a huge part of me thinks this is the first night in a long time where I won't have to wonder if he'll attack me in my sleep. And yet I can't sleep!

Any advice appreciated.

Keep the car.
Contact the police. Your son needs help getting away too. He can't be allowed to abuse your DD like that it's all control. Glad to read your update though OP keep going 💐

You've been amazingly strong and there's some really great advice here.

The next step is to please, please speak to the police. I know it's not easy but for you and your childrens sake it's so important that they are aware of what's just happened, as well as his historical behaviour. They need to know everything including the physical, psychological and financial abuse. You can also look into getting an injunction against him https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

Does your husband leave the house for work? Is your son able to pack up some bags and leave while he's out of the house? I fear for him still being there.

Separately, if the house is owned then you are entitled to some of it, especially due to the length of your marriage and the fact he wouldn't allow you to have a job. I know it must feel terrying to "defy" him after he's knocked your self-esteem for so long but please don't let go of what you and your children deserve to start a new life away from him.

Do not give him the car.

Speak to the police about your situation and your concerns about your 18year old son, ask them to do a welfare check on him

File for divorce and get a solicitor - if you are not working you should be able to start claiming UC and you should get legal aid.

Is the house in his name or in both your names?

You are already speaking with WA, speak to Shelter, apply with local authority and local housing associations, they should be able to help you with this.

Log any contact with you or with your children that he tries, what he says and how he says it, record calls if you can

This is a shocking read.

Is there a friend or family member you you share this post with? I urge you to. All they'll want to do is help. What has happened just and over your long relationship is pure abuse.

I can't offer much more advice except hug your children and contact women's aid today.

Ok so what has put me off going to the police is years ago I was attacked by a police officer. Had a claim against them. Because of this I suffered terrible harassment from them. I won the case and compensation but they actually put a marker on my car and everything so that they could continue to harass me about it. I had to move house change my name and my car and everything. Because I accepted compensation at the time I could not go to the media. I still suffer anxiety from that.

Then I went to womens aid and the worker I spoke to there said she's not surprised as a lot of the victims they get through the doors are women whose partners are in jobs where they hold authority like police, medical staff, military etc. My husband is in that type of job too and he is incredibly manipulative. Also I've been told that for now I don't need to go to the police as the lawyer can look at some of these points already mentioned without police involvement because I have recordings of him already. So I'm holding off on that for now.

With regards my son he is too scared to go against my husband and also he actually starts to feel guilty about leaving him after he's told him I have done all this for you. Because he is 19 this year they said it's basically his choice to stay or leave the court can't intervene.

Sorry so many questions but concerning the car he paid the insurance for both of us and he wont give me any details for it. I'm worried he'll take my name off and I won't know. Is there any way I could find out if my name is still on it?

I think I can't think straight through anxiety and panic. I get days I'm not too bad then days where it's like a wave of it hits me.

You have been magnificent, OP.
Car insurance : Even if you know who the provider is, it's very unlikely you can find out anything because of GDPR; the insurance company won't discuss it with you.
You don't know for definite that he has taken your name off.
Do you know the month when the car insurance is due? Your best bet would be planning to renew it in your name and the name of DS (18) going forward in the renewal month.
Does DH have access to your emails and know your email password?

God I'm so pleased you left @Crackersnap
You are a woman warrior and I'm proud of you. You will be fine. One step at a time.
You are awesome.
How are your other children doing?
Big hugs. 💐

You are so incredibly brave to have left.

With the car insurance I would take out your own policy as I wouldn't put it past him to remove your name and hope you get stopped by the police for having no insurance and that would come with it's own issues.

Yes, on balance, there is no point waiting, but this assumes you have the cash to purchase new insurance.

For your insurance you can check here

https://www.comparethemarket.com/car-insurance/content/is-my-car-insured/

Go to the police, make a report and look into an occupation order to get him out of the house.

Make sure you emphasise coercive control which is a crime, and being attacked. If they arrest him, they may set bail conditions meaning he has to stay away.

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice on safety and you can contact FLOWS for any legal advice on how to keep him away.

OP, can you get your son to take pictures of important documentation that you need like the car insurance? Get him if he feels like he can to find and hide the things you need.

Only make sure he deletes whatever he sends you.

You have gone through so much but this is the start of a new and happy life. Be strong 💪🏼 you have come this far & to tell him no more takes great strength & courage.

i don’t know you but i am so very proud of you.

@Crackersnap I don't have any advice as I think thats been covered by previous posters.

I just want to say how incredibly brave you are. You may not think it now but your life will be so much better. Please, please don't return to this monster ❤️

I don't think this is a good idea

OP shouldn't involve her children in her marriage, asking them to do sneaky things. It's unfair. I see why you suggested it but I think it's putting an unfair burden on her son and will make him feel dreadfully guilty.

My dad asked me to do something similar when I was 17. I didn't realise at the time but afterwards I felt like he'd taken advantage of me and I felt horrible for my mum. Please don't ask him OP.

Hello,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

He sounds mentally ill. Can you get him sectioned?

Please don't do this. Her son is still living with an abusive and dangerous man. Asking him to do this is putting him in danger. Imagine how his Dad would react if he discovered this?

Its also just not fair to put the son in the position of being asked.

Of course she can't get this violent domestic abuser sectioned. What bizarre advice.

What a weak, cowardly, pathetic little bully this 'man' is, I bet he'd shit his pants if a bigger man ever confronted him. He makes me sick.
You, on the other hand, sound incredible, after everything he's put you through, you're still finding the strength to move forward. You may not feel very strong right now, but you really, really are. You're free now, not yet free of his pathetic behaviour and demands, but you're free of living under him, free to ignore him, you don't have to answer to him or give a fuck about what he says anymore.

Please do keep posting here, mumsnet is incredible at supporting women when going through situations like yours, we're all here rooting for you. X

Do you have professional insight?

His behaviour is abusive but also bizarre and abnormal.

@Crackersnap Hoping you and your family are OK and doing the best you can. From what you have posted, it has been one helluva week for you but here's hoping the Women's Aid and Shelter people are helping navigate a new path.You don't need to update but just be assured there are people thinking of you and wishing you a positive outcome. Sending strength to you.

The hoovering has begun. Only this time I know it's hoovering. Anyone been in this situation? What happens after they realise the hoovering isn't working this time? Previously it always worked. I always went back. But this time I really don't feel like going back. I know that the fake nice behaviour won't last. Then it'll be back to abuse.

Have you been to the police yet? You need this all logged. This will escalate and you need to get protection in place as soon as possible.

Are you in contact with a domestic abuse organisation?

He could escalate his behaviour. Does he know where you are? You need advice on safety. Don't block him and send his calls straight to voicemail. It's all evidence.

Don't communicate with him unless it's regarding practicalities.