Domestic violence after my infidelity

[TheApparition]

I know I’m likely to get some judgement here and I accept that. I really am just looking for advice or support as feeling very low and overwhelmed.
DH and I have a 17 year age gap and got together when I was 21. We have two teens, DS18 and DD15.

Things have been difficult in our marriage for a while, much was due to our DD15 having to move schools after her first boyfriend assaulted her and harassed her. I found it difficult as I had witnessed DV as a child and also experienced it in my first relationship as a teen. Trying to help DD was one of the worst things I’ve been through and DD felt DH didn’t support her/us.

DH was also quite abusive to me in the early days of our relationship, awful name calling when I was pregnant and only 23, making me sleep on the sofa when I was overdue etc. I put this to one side as he made efforts to change and really seemed like he had. But the way he put his head in the sand over what DD was going through reminded me of the behaviour.

Last summer my estranged dad died, which was tough for me and I started becoming closer with a work colleague my own age and completely fell for him, I do regret this and it was awful thing to do when married. I tried to leave my husband in September but he smashed the TV, threw pizza and wine and called me all the names under the sun for 48 hours. I ended up fleeing to a hotel with DD.
This all caused my son to stop speaking to me so after a stint of me living in an Airbnb I came back home and tried to work on my marriage. We got marriage counselling and I have my own counselling. DH took 4 months off work with stress and started antidepressants.

However the outbursts from DH have continued, he took no notice of anything the marriage counsellor said. Everything culminated in him going through my phone on Sunday night while I was asleep after wine. He woke me up and started to be abusive, calling me worthless, I was trying to grab my phone as he held it away, eventually got it, grabbed my charger, put my shoes on and ran to the front door.

He then pushed me from behind so I fell face first onto laminate floor and gave me two loose teeth and a bump on the head, I fled and called 999 and he was arrested.

on Sunday I attended an emergency dentist and have had to have my teeth repositioned and splinted (brace like thing across my front 6 teeth) which has cost £3.5k and there will likely be more costs if I need root canal.

I did not press charges and let him stay at the family home, I am currently sofa surfing. The police told me that DH claimed he acted in self defence as I was ‘attacking him’ and he tapped me lightly to get me away. The police don’t really believe it though as the injury is so bad to my face and head, I was clearly pushed from behind. DH cannot contact me as part of his bail conditions and they appointed our DS18 as the liaison person between us to discuss care of DD and finances, but DS will not speak to me and has had a row with DD and told DD that the assault was justified.

I don’t know what to do if I need to liaise with DH because our son is clearly not the person for this role. The police haven’t called me back when I asked them about this.

DD has heard DH say that he hopes I hang myself in a hotel room but she is too scared to come and stay with me because it will look like she is taking sides. DS is very much on DH’s ‘side’ and believes him. I wish DD could be with me but she won’t.

my workplace have been good and given me the week off work but I am so overwhelmed. I don’t really have family, I’m an only child. I am sorry this was long but I needed to get it out.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, DH left his ex in the past for someone else, she is the mother of his other kids. She was pregnant too and as a result two of the kids don’t see him, so he does know what it’s like to fall for someone else. He hasn’t been a saint or anything when it comes to fidelity.

So, your DS believes assaulting/pushing a woman so hard it knocks her teeth out is justifiable? In some circumstances, e.g. infidelity. He no doubt thinks this because he’s been raised by an abusive and violent father.

You’re his mum. You need to make it very clear to him that assault is never justified. It’s a criminal offence. Seize back the narrative from your DH. Explain to both your DC that you’ve suffered abuse for years and that’s why you’re splitting with their dad, not because of the infidelity. You can’t put your safety at risk. That you love them, don’t want to abandon them and they’ll always have a home with you. They must be feeling very stressed by everything that’s happened and will need to know you have empathy for how they’re feeling.

Given your marriage is over, you’re in temporary accommodation, your DS is refusing to speak to you and your DD doesn’t want to leave her family home, surely you have nothing to lose. Cooperate with the police on the assault charge. It’s a criminal offence. Surely you’d cooperate if any other man assaulted you?

Seek legal advice (legally- aidable for domestic abuse) via a domestic abuse charity on your rights. As part of this, check your rights on remaining in the family home, if you feel safe enough to do so, with an injunction against your DH coming near it. Or you. Why should you have to leave your family home? Why should your DD have to make the choice between leaving her home for temporary accommodation or staying there (without you) with a father and brother who tolerate and/or justify assault, abuse and bullying of women by men?

If you decide you feel safe enough to remain in the family home, your kids will likely stay there with you until the split of assets is decided in your divorce. Then move to your own place. Your DC are both old enough to choose where they live. Don’t give in and give up on your kids because you feel guilty about the infidelity. Your DH has been abusive for years and in hindsight you should have left when it started. But you were young and now you’re older and wiser.

Good luck.

OP - Your DS does not care about percentage splits and isn't going to 'forgive you' over who gets what financially.

He's angry at you and taking his Dad's side because he sees your affair as wrecking his parents' marriage. Nothing you do, or don't do, in the short term is going to fix that. If he's going to forgive you it'll take time, and maturity on his part.

Remember, your DS is not entirely in the wrong. What your DP has done to you is vile and inexcusable, but you will ultimately have to accept some responsibility for the effect your affair has no doubt had on your children, particularly DS.

I really feel for your position now...you must give a statement about the assault (he's already attacked one woman in his family and smashed the place up when you previously threatened to leave; what of DD is the next one he decides to take his little man syndrome out on?) but doing so will likely drive a further wedge between you and DS.

Hopefully time can fix that, but you can't let a serious assault slide on some notion of not rocking the boat and your son forgiving you.

Don't allow this violent arsehole to walk all over you in an attempt to get your son to "forgive" you. It won't work in any case. Your son is young and clueless and has been fed a lot of macho tripe by his father. That's horrendously painful for you, I know, but he will either see his father's true colours and change his attitude or he won't - you prostrating yourself and accepting abuse and penury isn't going to achieve anything other than more misery.

Separate your guilt about the infidelity from your response to the abuse, and be clear in your mind that his treatment of you is unambiguously wrong. There is no justification for violence. None.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/make_abusive_partner_leave_home

This 100%. Please never go back to this vile man.

No judgement here either and all the very best.

This 100 times over. Your poor children.

Seriously, look at what you are writing!!! Have him charged! Fight for your assets. Your son, sounds just like his father tbh. If you don't stand up for yourself, your son will never see the true extent of his behaviours.

OP I grew up in a house like this please for the sake of your kids get out and get help.

You need to forgive yourself for the cheating bexause it doesn’t not and will never excuse his behaviour.

right now yiu need to protect yourself and your DD and go to the police

because it could be her next

Percentage splits of the house - don’t make any decisions fast, please.
Or at least don’t make it before looking at any other assets you each have in the round - pensions, savings and so on. And remember that the retirement age in the U.K. is likely to get later and that not everyone will be able to work up to that age, for health reasons. And that you should think about how you both want to support your kids in years to come, and for how long.
Two different solicitors might give you two very different answers - if you want 50%, hang on for it.

Please don't accept less than you and your children deserve out of guilt.

The infidelity is almost irrelevant here. This man is a violent domestic abuser. Any time you have tried to leave he has reacted with violence to trap you.

I would urge you to seek support Womens Aid and Rights of Women, get some legal advice about getting an occupation order for your house.

Don't give DH everything he asks for to try and appease your son. That won't benefit your son in the long run.

Are social services involved? I'm feeling concerned about your daughter living with DH.

Please don't remain in exile out of guilt. I think the police should help you to find a way to get him out of the home so you can return safely to be there with your daughter.

I know that you don't want to lose your son, but giving ex what he wants won't change anything. I think what your son probably needs is time away from his father. He seems to have aligned with your DH and is continuing his abuse of you.

Also re: infidelity: honestly, I don't think this even counts. Why is infidelity wrong? Usually because you are breaking your marriage vows and breaking a promise to someone who loves you. This man has not loved you. You were not free to leave. He terrorised you into staying. This man broke his vows when he started abusing you. Me may well have even groomed you. I would not for one moment ever judge you for falling for someone who was actually kind to you. You deserve so much better.

You deserve to feel safe in your home and so do your children. You do not need to punish yourself the way he has been punishing you. You matter!

Love this post

I don't judge your affair, I had one too in a very unhappy marriage.

Your OP made me so furious though. You two have stayed together and completely screwed up your children. Yet you don't even seem that focussed on them, it's all about how hard it's been for you. End this "marriage" immediately and try to salvage something with your children.

No judgement from me at all. I am so sorry for what he has done to you. He is very abusive and dangerous and there is no fixing this. He is using your guilt and you not pressing charges to control you and abuse you more. You need to be away from this man. From a place of safety then you can decide what to do. I hope you manage, he is ruining yours and you children's lives. Don't let him.