Domestic violence after my infidelity

[TheApparition]

I know I’m likely to get some judgement here and I accept that. I really am just looking for advice or support as feeling very low and overwhelmed.
DH and I have a 17 year age gap and got together when I was 21. We have two teens, DS18 and DD15.

Things have been difficult in our marriage for a while, much was due to our DD15 having to move schools after her first boyfriend assaulted her and harassed her. I found it difficult as I had witnessed DV as a child and also experienced it in my first relationship as a teen. Trying to help DD was one of the worst things I’ve been through and DD felt DH didn’t support her/us.

DH was also quite abusive to me in the early days of our relationship, awful name calling when I was pregnant and only 23, making me sleep on the sofa when I was overdue etc. I put this to one side as he made efforts to change and really seemed like he had. But the way he put his head in the sand over what DD was going through reminded me of the behaviour.

Last summer my estranged dad died, which was tough for me and I started becoming closer with a work colleague my own age and completely fell for him, I do regret this and it was awful thing to do when married. I tried to leave my husband in September but he smashed the TV, threw pizza and wine and called me all the names under the sun for 48 hours. I ended up fleeing to a hotel with DD.
This all caused my son to stop speaking to me so after a stint of me living in an Airbnb I came back home and tried to work on my marriage. We got marriage counselling and I have my own counselling. DH took 4 months off work with stress and started antidepressants.

However the outbursts from DH have continued, he took no notice of anything the marriage counsellor said. Everything culminated in him going through my phone on Sunday night while I was asleep after wine. He woke me up and started to be abusive, calling me worthless, I was trying to grab my phone as he held it away, eventually got it, grabbed my charger, put my shoes on and ran to the front door.

He then pushed me from behind so I fell face first onto laminate floor and gave me two loose teeth and a bump on the head, I fled and called 999 and he was arrested.

on Sunday I attended an emergency dentist and have had to have my teeth repositioned and splinted (brace like thing across my front 6 teeth) which has cost £3.5k and there will likely be more costs if I need root canal.

I did not press charges and let him stay at the family home, I am currently sofa surfing. The police told me that DH claimed he acted in self defence as I was ‘attacking him’ and he tapped me lightly to get me away. The police don’t really believe it though as the injury is so bad to my face and head, I was clearly pushed from behind. DH cannot contact me as part of his bail conditions and they appointed our DS18 as the liaison person between us to discuss care of DD and finances, but DS will not speak to me and has had a row with DD and told DD that the assault was justified.

I don’t know what to do if I need to liaise with DH because our son is clearly not the person for this role. The police haven’t called me back when I asked them about this.

DD has heard DH say that he hopes I hang myself in a hotel room but she is too scared to come and stay with me because it will look like she is taking sides. DS is very much on DH’s ‘side’ and believes him. I wish DD could be with me but she won’t.

my workplace have been good and given me the week off work but I am so overwhelmed. I don’t really have family, I’m an only child. I am sorry this was long but I needed to get it out.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, DH left his ex in the past for someone else, she is the mother of his other kids. She was pregnant too and as a result two of the kids don’t see him, so he does know what it’s like to fall for someone else. He hasn’t been a saint or anything when it comes to fidelity.

You need to press charges and you need to see your son while your face is like that. There's no point telling him afterwards how badly you were hurt - he won't believe it. There's also no point in showing him a photo - he won't believe that, either.

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

Well he won’t get 60% of assets and you won’t get your son to forgive by impoverishing yourself.

Abuse is a wholly unacceptable reaction to infidelity.

Regardless of whether you press charges you need to divorce. And your son is not a suitable go between.

Don't bring money into this, OP. This man has hit you really hard. Don't reward him for that by giving him money. Let your solicitor deal with all the financial side. For one thing, if your partner has more money then he can provide a better home for the kids so you will permanently be at a disadvantage.

You've tried to leave and he's made you feel like you can't, he sounds horrible and I never say this but I can see how you've been attracted to another, presumably better non abusive man. He's clearly influenced your son too much if he thinks the assault was justified I'm sorry to say. I worry for your daughter living with two males of that mindset. Please do what is best for yourself and your daughter. I agree with the previous advice someone posted to call woman's aid

Your daughter can't stay with these abusive men if you make a full statement to the Police. Which gets her away from the pair of them.

Why sacrifice her safety and wellbeing in service to your son - who sounds just like his father?

listen to the posters on here saying to stand up to him, press charges and show your son that nothing justifies violence OP ......

Sounds like your son has turned out just like his father. This is so sad. Please just leave this man irregardless. Let the children know you love them very much

Cheating is not great but it is NEVER a justification for violence. Unfortunately, cheating is a part of life and it can’t be dealt with via physical assault. You’re very nearly victim blaming here. She’ll have permanent physical damage from him and a push like this can easily take someone’s life.

I know you worry about the effect on the kids if you report him, but what about the effects if you don’t?
Your son has clearly been brainwashed into thinking it’s okay to hurt a woman like his dad has. What if he does that to someone?
Your daughter has seen her mother be assaulted and the perp get away with it. What faith will she have if she ever finds her self in that situation?

We have no fault divorce. Split 50/50. Your son’s forgiveness can’t be bought. Him forgiving you won’t be influenced by you bending over for your abuser.

While cheating isn’t ideal, you don’t deserve to be assaulted. Now is time to stick up for yourself. Fight for 50/50 assets, file a police report and leave this loser behind.

Sorry this has happened. This sounds nightmarish.

From experience with family members (women having affairs and/or leaving husbands) don't do anything that detriments you to 'make your son forgive you'. He is responding emotionally and will come round to you eventually, especially because his dad is clearly a bastard. When all is done and dusted he definitely won't remember if you leave your husband an extra 10% of the finances.

Press charges for assault, there is literally no reason not to, DH is happily playing the victim here and that will continue unless you speak up, what advice did you give your daughter when she was assaulted? Is the same advice relevant for you? Stop putting barriers in the way.. the affair is irrelevant to the assault.

You need to split. You’re in an abusive relationship.

Imagine this is the last t year of your life. This time next year you will be dead. What regrets will you have? Will you have spent the last year of your life happy and living the life you wanted?

Don’t give him anything more than your solicitor states is reasonable. I see that you have been groomed from a very young age by a much older man who is abusive and violent. So you fell in love with someone else ? So what ! Leave him and start a new life with your new partner. The kids will come around in the end. Good luck

He was abusive to you long before your infidelity, including while pregnant. I'm actually glad you cheated on the little toad. Some people aren't worth our loyalty.

He sounds absolutely horrible. You 101 percent need to end your marriage. Your best bet is to put all your energies into creating a new life. And be prepared for him to beg and plead once he realises that you're serious.

I'm so sorry about your poor face. I hope your injuries heal swiftly. Sending you hugs, bedtime stories, and hot chocolate.

By you letting him off and trying to make up with the divorce settlement, you are reinforcing to your kids that you are in the wrong and their dad is the wronged party. This will not get your kids back on your side, even if the opposite is true.
Fight for yourself and fight for them, even if you don't feel like you have a lot of fight left in you.
Get support for you and if your daughter will come to you, take her. If you don't fight for what you're entitled to, you won't be in a position to offer her safety and security.

There is a lot to unpick here. Your kids have had to witness a lot due to you and your DH’s decisions, affairs and ultimately abuse. It is harrowing thinking what they will have witnessed. This is a very toxic relationship and they are seeing some shocking incidents and being dragged into all of them.

I am assuming and hoping that this is the final death knell for you and DH and you will look to divorce. Only then can you try and rebuild your relationship with your kids. Your DH has been horribly abusive but as hard as it is, you need to take stock and make some serious plans for how you are going to properly get out of this and get your life together. There are resources, Women’s Aid etc. but it is not an easy road, but it is essential you make this break. Once your children see you making proper steps to separate yourself and pull your life together they will come back to you. It is too tricky to explain my experience of this but as the parent you need to make really solid strides in separating from this toxic set up.

Thanks all for your support, what you’ve said about DD and DS has really hit home.
I need to find a way of getting DD to come with me, it’ll have to be an Airbnb near her friends and that might be a way of swaying her. I’m so worried about both of them.

My workplace is large and has an email address with a DV team so I’m going to start there. I also have a solicitor because I got a free 30 mins last year when my intention was to leave.

i just spoke to DD and she said DH had said sorry he’s not the best and he knows she’s not happy with him

Infidelity cant be justified but in an abusive relationship you may feel controlled enough to stay, while reaching out for comfort from another.

It isn’t going to get any better. He’s over stepped on another boundary…what’s his next action going to be? You know the answer is to leave him. How much longer are you going to take this? It’ll be hard to begin with but you’ll feel so much better on the other side.

I know others will say that not pressing charges will embolden him even more. Of course it will, but if you are in an abusive relationship you make yourself as non confrontational as possible. It’s ridiculous that your the one turfed out of your home, but to do otherwise could provoke a reaction…and you’ve already seen how the bully reacts.

I’m hoping you find the strength to start putting yourself first. Go speak to a solicitor about a divorce. Go speak with someone about your rights. Small steps to build up your self worth and confidence again. Small steps on a pathway to put this man in your past.

xx

do not listen to him about finances and do not let him blackmail you to give him more money. Speak to Women's Aid, police again and please do the freedom Programme too. Surely he should leave and you should go home?

and another thing, never ever have joint counselling with an abusive man either.

This. You show your daughter how to stick up for herself by pressing charges. Nothing you did justifies him shoving you so hard when you were fleeing in fear that you have 4k of dental work or more.
Your son has been poisoned by living with DH and is an adult. He may be a Andrew Tait wanna be. Not pressing charges and giving your DH all the assets would not change a thing.
Take what you're due, press charges and get him out of the house.
You've wasted 20 years with him. He's a cunt. Don't waste 20 more.

He should be in prison.

He is a violent, abusive, dangerous, inadequate little cunt of a man. He’s been unfaithful and the way he treated you as an overdue, pregnant 23-year old, and he a predatory old creepy 40-year-old is appalling.

DH was also quite abusive to me in the early days of our relationship, awful name calling when I was pregnant and only 23, making me sleep on the sofa when I was overdue etc

I’m sad his misogyny has already poisoned your son. To say his violence against you is justified is horrifying.

See if you can press charges still.

I wish you all the luck and justice you deserve.

Oh, and I hope this thread isn’t populated by narrow minded twerps who can’t look past your ‘unfaithfulness’ and will attack you for it. They’re too dense to see nuance.

Has your DD mentioned why she wont come to you , perhaps the children see this situation as having to pick a side ......why not file for separation and mediate on custody arrangements with your H not getting more than every other weekend maximum with DD ....

That would be the suggested approach for DD as is a minor -the assault would mean your DH cant get any more custody than EOW I would think

I agree one thousand percent with all of the above. Cheating is never, ever an excuse for violence. I know that being cheated on must be absolutely horrible and heartbreaking, but some people really go mental over it. And stay that way for years. See Lisa Armstrong and Alice Evans. At some point, you have to accept that life happens, and usually it's about the cheater as a person anyway, not the betrayed spouse. But I think that if a betrayed spouse reacts this way, they are an abuser, which might be why their spouse cheated in the first place.

And you can easily kill someone by knocking them down. Happened to a local 19-year-old man when he refused to buy alcohol for a group of youths. One pushed him to the floor, he hit his head, and that was that.

If OP's husband wanted a loyal spouse, perhaps he shouldn't have been so horrible to her when she was pregnant.

@TheApparition ok - yes, infidelity is wrong, you know that. But it pales into insignificance besides what your DH has done to you. And what you did is no excuse for him to behave in such a way.

Please don’t try to make a go of it again - he is not a good man.