Domestic violence after my infidelity

[TheApparition]

I know I’m likely to get some judgement here and I accept that. I really am just looking for advice or support as feeling very low and overwhelmed.
DH and I have a 17 year age gap and got together when I was 21. We have two teens, DS18 and DD15.

Things have been difficult in our marriage for a while, much was due to our DD15 having to move schools after her first boyfriend assaulted her and harassed her. I found it difficult as I had witnessed DV as a child and also experienced it in my first relationship as a teen. Trying to help DD was one of the worst things I’ve been through and DD felt DH didn’t support her/us.

DH was also quite abusive to me in the early days of our relationship, awful name calling when I was pregnant and only 23, making me sleep on the sofa when I was overdue etc. I put this to one side as he made efforts to change and really seemed like he had. But the way he put his head in the sand over what DD was going through reminded me of the behaviour.

Last summer my estranged dad died, which was tough for me and I started becoming closer with a work colleague my own age and completely fell for him, I do regret this and it was awful thing to do when married. I tried to leave my husband in September but he smashed the TV, threw pizza and wine and called me all the names under the sun for 48 hours. I ended up fleeing to a hotel with DD.
This all caused my son to stop speaking to me so after a stint of me living in an Airbnb I came back home and tried to work on my marriage. We got marriage counselling and I have my own counselling. DH took 4 months off work with stress and started antidepressants.

However the outbursts from DH have continued, he took no notice of anything the marriage counsellor said. Everything culminated in him going through my phone on Sunday night while I was asleep after wine. He woke me up and started to be abusive, calling me worthless, I was trying to grab my phone as he held it away, eventually got it, grabbed my charger, put my shoes on and ran to the front door.

He then pushed me from behind so I fell face first onto laminate floor and gave me two loose teeth and a bump on the head, I fled and called 999 and he was arrested.

on Sunday I attended an emergency dentist and have had to have my teeth repositioned and splinted (brace like thing across my front 6 teeth) which has cost £3.5k and there will likely be more costs if I need root canal.

I did not press charges and let him stay at the family home, I am currently sofa surfing. The police told me that DH claimed he acted in self defence as I was ‘attacking him’ and he tapped me lightly to get me away. The police don’t really believe it though as the injury is so bad to my face and head, I was clearly pushed from behind. DH cannot contact me as part of his bail conditions and they appointed our DS18 as the liaison person between us to discuss care of DD and finances, but DS will not speak to me and has had a row with DD and told DD that the assault was justified.

I don’t know what to do if I need to liaise with DH because our son is clearly not the person for this role. The police haven’t called me back when I asked them about this.

DD has heard DH say that he hopes I hang myself in a hotel room but she is too scared to come and stay with me because it will look like she is taking sides. DS is very much on DH’s ‘side’ and believes him. I wish DD could be with me but she won’t.

my workplace have been good and given me the week off work but I am so overwhelmed. I don’t really have family, I’m an only child. I am sorry this was long but I needed to get it out.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, DH left his ex in the past for someone else, she is the mother of his other kids. She was pregnant too and as a result two of the kids don’t see him, so he does know what it’s like to fall for someone else. He hasn’t been a saint or anything when it comes to fidelity.

Do you have any other family that dd could go stay with. If she feels like she is taking sides by coming to stay with you, maybe she would feel better heading to an aunt or a grandmother.

you had an affair. It shouldn’t have happened. A normal person would ask you to leave the house and file for divorce. Your ex is a monster.

Don’t let him make you focus too much on what got you all to this point as it really doesn’t matter. Your marriage is over. You need to focus on what is best for the children and that is not your dd being in a house with men who sanction abuse.

I’m afraid your son might be unreachable right now. I would focus on your dd and try to get your son to see the light once things are a bit more stable.

Clearly this man is dodgy and an abuser but she was 21 when they got together and if the offence of statutory rape existed in the UK it wouldn't have applied to the OP unless she was a lot more than a few months younger.

Sorry I misread I thought she said she was 17

Press charges.

You need to press charges.

Your DH is a violent bully and your DS is following in his footsteps. You need to demonstrate that men who hit their wives/partners get punished so your DS doesn't start beating up his GFs and end up in jail.

You also need to show your DD that it is not acceptable to be in a relationship with a man who hits you, or she will end up in an abusive relationship as well because it will seem normal to her.

Press charges FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

It's ridiculous that they're expecting your son to be a go-between, he might be legally an adult, but still.

Let go of the guilt over the affair - if anyone deserves cheating on, it's an abusive man. Obviously it doesn't lead anywhere good, but of course nice attention would turn your head.

I think you have to divorce him now and hope the kids come to you later on. He might kill you next time if you don't. And please do consider co-operating with a prosecution. He's a danger to your dd as well.

OP, you need to forget the infidelity at the moment. It is not relevant to the current situation.

The current situation is that your husband is a dangerous, abusive toxic person, and at the moment, your son is clearly on the same path.

At the moment, that is something you can not change. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

Firstly, the police can not decide your son is going to be a go-between for you and your husband. He is potentially abusive to you and your daughter. You need to talk to a solicitor ASAP.

Speak to woman's aid asap. Do not be alone with either your husband or your son. Do not fall for excuses, offers of counselling, etc.

Hard as it is, you need to disregard your son's feeling or opinions. He is at the moment a potentially dangerous adult to both you and your daughter

My only judgement is that you aren't putting yourself first by going back to your abuser and putting up with further abuse I do understand why though You need to have him charged or he will see that as permission to escalate his hatred and violence and the poisoning of your children against you You could be out shagging anyone with a cock and his use of violence is still not justifiable !!

Unfortunately, divorce seems to be the only answer, because the marriage is not working and he obviously didn’t forgive you despite all the counseling.
Don’t involve children into this. This abusive man is still father for them. I feel sorry for your DS who is forced to be a liaison person between you and your husband.

Please be careful and take care of yourself. Ex-partners can be very difficult and revengeful.

Sorry but you need to get professional advice. People on here lack the expertise to advise on something as serious as this.

As the police are involved, ask them for safegfuarding advice and can they signpost you to any agencies etc that can help you negotiate your way through it all. You are understandably overwhelmed. You need support - you cant be expected to deal with this all alone especially as there is now the prospect of violence rearing its head. Please get some help.

Press charges. Get an occupation order. Tell your family what hes like. Start a new life without him. What do you think your kids feel about you staying with him? They will be scared too. What would you tell your dd to do if it was her?

I'll be brutally honest here, for your own sake.

You've already lost your son. And you'll keep losing him more and more, while he is under the influence of a violent, abusive man that despises you. He's heading the same way if not already there. The only way he can come back from this if you actually stand your ground, go back to the police , have your husband out of the house and stand up for yourself. Away from his father's influence, he might, just might, come back to you.

Even if he doesn't, you have another child here. A daughter who has witnessed DV, a daughter who was abused by her own bf, a daughter who is afraid of her father, a daughter that you left behind with an abusive ,violent man who hates you.

Choose yourself. Choose the child who needs you. Show her women deserve better than this. That they are better than this.

a lot if that sounds like you justifying violence.

op, what you fear happening is already happening. Support the police. So everything the pp stated to do.

Yes, this is the best thing you can do for your son.

Same.

Please could you try and encourage your DS to have some counselling via his GP? Get your DD to take him? He needs to see from an outside perspective that while you made a mistake his dad’s behaviour is reprehensible. Or a family friend to try and help release his from your DH clutches a bit!

I really really think you should press charges. Can you change your mind, maybe seek advice. He might kill you next time…

but DS will not speak to me and has had a row with DD and told DD that the assault was justified

Get your DD out of there please. After everything she's already been through, that is not what she needs to be hearing or living around

@Quitelikeit

the usual reasons ....

1. Asian who moved to the UK almost 20 years ago, from a cultural background that promotes the idea of staying = putting family first = being selfless. Not saying I agree at all, but just that the conditioning ran very deep for so long and still does at the sub conscious level.
2. Im an empath - its never hard for me myself to justify and feel compassion for Hs actions as stemming from childhood health issues etc. I come on here and other resources to remind myself that nothing justified crossing the line into the DV in the past.
3. The last time there was DV (was about once a year before that) was a few years ago - went to NHS and told them - an SW came home and H has restrained his rage since then to verbal (and with the worst of the verbal only when alone. Its hard not to still hope that the worst is over, tw, and status quo is okay.
4. DS15 has repeatedly said he loves us both and wants us to stay a family for him.
5. I have increasingly gotten into faith systems like Buddhism (not a buddhist by birth) that speak of dealing with these situations differently.
6. I think financially we can do more for DS together than apart

THIS

If they have strong enough evidence they can decide to prosecute regardless.

In my situation there were other witnesses and the police said it wasn't my choice, they'd put a case to the CPS to be considered with or without a statement from me.

In the meantime ex-h had a restraining order put on him by the police.

Your affair is utterly irrelevant.

A man 17 years your senior groomed you when you were a vulnerable 21 year old who was estranged from her family who were abusive. He’s treated you horrendously right from the start. The affair did not trigger this behaviour, it’s always been happening.

If you are confused about what to do you have to think of your children. Pandering to your DH is NOT what’s best for them. It never has been what’s best for them.

Your DD NEEDS to know her father’s behaviour is utterly abhorrent and she should never, ever have had to witness it. If she doesn’t she’s going to end up in the exact same situation you are in now, or worse. Just like you did after violence and aggression was normalised in your teenage years. If you don’t find your rage and show your DS the way your father treats women is illegal and abusive then your son will be assaulting someone else’s vulnerable DS in the near future. You can’t pander to your husband to save your relationship with your son. It just won’t work. It gives the impression your DH is right.

Also I think you need a new councillor. They should have been very insistent that you get far away from your dangerous husband. As should your marriage councillor. No one should be telling you to try and sort things out with a man like this.

I am not a violent person but oh how I would love to do to your husband what’s he’s done to you .you know when flying we are told in case of emergency parents put oxygen masks on first then tend to child there’s good reason for that as if we have no oxygen then we can’t help our children like wise here right now worry only for your self .stand in front of a mirror look at your self love value and protect your self .stand up to your bully husband .press charges show your daughter how it’s done (she will be proud of you ) your son may one day come back to you his father is his teacher .you are your daughters teacher .fight this all the way also regarding the affair there’s a part of me that’s just a little happy you have a reprieve from your abusive husband and had a little happiness even if it was only for a while .you deserve to be happy and safe all the time .please be strong and good to your self and remember we are all here you are not alone xx

Oh and like a PP says, any pandering you do , will get twisted and seen and used as proof by your husband to your DS that you are the guilty one, you deserve to pay, it wasn't that bad , and even if it was it was all justified. And your DS will eat it all up because he's already that way inclined.

All of this. Please OP.

Any decent partner would have let you stay in your family home. You do not have to justify why you strayed outside of the marriage. You made a mistake. End of.

Your DH was abusive at the start of your relationship, and while you were pregnant. I am sorry but he has been in the wrong for the whole of your relationship.

He cannot insist on more than he is entitled to, this is a tactic to bully you. Even if he does get the 60%, so what? If that's the price of getting away from someone who is telling your children that you should hang yourself, it's a bargain.

You have to protect yourself.
Hopefully you are getting advice on how you can also protect your kids from this very toxic human. It may take a while to get the relationship back with your son because the toxicity of the online manosphere and the projection of these sorts of thoughts and beliefs from your husband is absolutely vile. Schools are addressing these toxic masculinity issues but it won't be enough.

Counselling may help the three of you.

Please do get support from the agencies available in your area. Some of the smaller, grass root charities really are excellent.

Hopefully you were allocated a police victim support liaison and a social worker. As others have pointed out, the police have the right to prosecute regardless of your wishes, this is actually to prevent perpetrators from coercing or intimidating victims to drop the charges.

Have you tried your local Women's Aid and local council for help with somewhere to live?

Stay strong.

Not judging at all. DH sounds abusive all round. Sleep on the sofa when you were overdue? On your bike, mate! That was a red flag. I don't know how to help you when you have no support network but it seems to me that your marriage is over. DC do take sides, usually with the parent they see as 'innocent' (they never are). Find counselling and a solicitor and remake your life, you are young enough to do so - and find someone much nicer than your H.