Domestic violence after my infidelity

[TheApparition]

I know I’m likely to get some judgement here and I accept that. I really am just looking for advice or support as feeling very low and overwhelmed.
DH and I have a 17 year age gap and got together when I was 21. We have two teens, DS18 and DD15.

Things have been difficult in our marriage for a while, much was due to our DD15 having to move schools after her first boyfriend assaulted her and harassed her. I found it difficult as I had witnessed DV as a child and also experienced it in my first relationship as a teen. Trying to help DD was one of the worst things I’ve been through and DD felt DH didn’t support her/us.

DH was also quite abusive to me in the early days of our relationship, awful name calling when I was pregnant and only 23, making me sleep on the sofa when I was overdue etc. I put this to one side as he made efforts to change and really seemed like he had. But the way he put his head in the sand over what DD was going through reminded me of the behaviour.

Last summer my estranged dad died, which was tough for me and I started becoming closer with a work colleague my own age and completely fell for him, I do regret this and it was awful thing to do when married. I tried to leave my husband in September but he smashed the TV, threw pizza and wine and called me all the names under the sun for 48 hours. I ended up fleeing to a hotel with DD.
This all caused my son to stop speaking to me so after a stint of me living in an Airbnb I came back home and tried to work on my marriage. We got marriage counselling and I have my own counselling. DH took 4 months off work with stress and started antidepressants.

However the outbursts from DH have continued, he took no notice of anything the marriage counsellor said. Everything culminated in him going through my phone on Sunday night while I was asleep after wine. He woke me up and started to be abusive, calling me worthless, I was trying to grab my phone as he held it away, eventually got it, grabbed my charger, put my shoes on and ran to the front door.

He then pushed me from behind so I fell face first onto laminate floor and gave me two loose teeth and a bump on the head, I fled and called 999 and he was arrested.

on Sunday I attended an emergency dentist and have had to have my teeth repositioned and splinted (brace like thing across my front 6 teeth) which has cost £3.5k and there will likely be more costs if I need root canal.

I did not press charges and let him stay at the family home, I am currently sofa surfing. The police told me that DH claimed he acted in self defence as I was ‘attacking him’ and he tapped me lightly to get me away. The police don’t really believe it though as the injury is so bad to my face and head, I was clearly pushed from behind. DH cannot contact me as part of his bail conditions and they appointed our DS18 as the liaison person between us to discuss care of DD and finances, but DS will not speak to me and has had a row with DD and told DD that the assault was justified.

I don’t know what to do if I need to liaise with DH because our son is clearly not the person for this role. The police haven’t called me back when I asked them about this.

DD has heard DH say that he hopes I hang myself in a hotel room but she is too scared to come and stay with me because it will look like she is taking sides. DS is very much on DH’s ‘side’ and believes him. I wish DD could be with me but she won’t.

my workplace have been good and given me the week off work but I am so overwhelmed. I don’t really have family, I’m an only child. I am sorry this was long but I needed to get it out.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, DH left his ex in the past for someone else, she is the mother of his other kids. She was pregnant too and as a result two of the kids don’t see him, so he does know what it’s like to fall for someone else. He hasn’t been a saint or anything when it comes to fidelity.

Divorce him and support the police in throwing the book at him.

I'm so sorry your son appears to have inherited your husband's values. He'll be the one beating his wife next.

I'd be getting some legal advice about an occupation order for the family home too. Why should you be made homeless because your husband is an abusive piece of shit?

You need to stop panicking and get some advice. Don't agree to anything regarding assets.

You need support from a domestic abuse organisation so that you stay safe and understand your options. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 24/7, you can phone them tonight. Refuge webchat is open till 10pm.

It's good the police are involved, take note of the crime reference number and start keeping a diary of events.

Ideally he should leave the property but you need advice on that.

Regarding your children. It seems as though your relationship has had quite an effect on them and your daughter has already been involved in a dysfunctional relationship. Your son has taken after his dad.

You're not going to win him around by giving his dad everything he wants. I don't think your daughter is safe at home and you need to take advice on that.

I would also see your GP and tell her everything, get a check up and she'll know of local services.

You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women or FLOWS but first contact a DV organisation and take it from there.

Your infidelity is not really the main issue here in my opinion and I worry that you are too hung up on your own guilt about this to see the situation clearly for what it is, which is that your husband is abusive. I wish you had pressed charges but of course it is up to you. You don’t have to be the perfect victim (in terms of always being faithful as a wife etc) to be a legitimate victim of domestic abuse. This is no trivial dental injury he has caused you.

I’m sorry your son can’t see what is going on but it sounds like there is still hope for your daughter at least, and your son may come around when things are less acute. It is harder when you stay in an abusive relationship until children are teens/young adults and adds another layer of complexity to things but it is still worth getting out. Please do not go back to this man and take advice from a domestic abuse charity, you could do with their specialist support. And take legal advice about your situation from a lawyer with experience in domestic abuse.

Your affair doesn't justify or minimise his behaviour at all.

Concerned about your children...your son seems under his influence and your daughter too in a different way.

Sofa surfing will be awful quickly. Is there anyway you can rent? You need to move quickly with the divorce.

I'd focus on your daughter. Right now I don't think you can make headway with your son.

Can you arrange to see your daughter every day for a coffee? Are you not allowed to contact her directly?

@TheApparition My goodness- This hideous violent abuser has NO RIGHT to physically abuse you or push you.
Please do not go be the vile Scrote 60 percent!

He sounds disgusting.

Not necessarily, if they feel they have enough evidence to prosecute without the statement they would go ahead anyway

Speak to women’s aid and go back to the police. Nothing you have done has justified his violence.

Just because you cheated, it doesn’t mean that you deserved the assault. I hope that you see that things are over and that you won’t go back to him again because he’ll torture you worse next time.

Yanbu to talk to the police about another liaison. Maybe someone at DD’s school who can talk to her face to face and sees her regularly ? I understand why dd may be torn about seeing you and incurring her brother and father’s wrath.

This.

And press charges. Your h should be in prison.

Also police should be pressing charges not you.

Can you tell them you will act as a witness and co-operate?

It’s happened to me. There was evidence. I withdrew statement. They dropped charges.

Please go back to the police and make a statement. He's a nasty abuser and he needs to experience the consequences. Your son has likely been severely impacted already by living with a domestic abuser and there isn't anything you can do about that now. You won't get your son back by letting your husband get away with this.

This is rare. Usually they need third party witnesses or incontrovertible evidence of inflicted injuries that can't be explained any other way. Just seeing bruises etc isn't enough if the victim won't give a statement.

What did the police say to you? We don't press charges in this country. The police pass the case to the CPS and they decide if there's enough evidence to proceed to court

You must speak to them again. None of this is workable, your husband is a pig and god knows what he's saying to your son. You didn't deserve any of this

It sounds like you are staying with him because you don't want to upset your DS. But your DS's acceptance/endorsemet of your DH's violent behaviour towards you demonstrates why you need to leave. Your DS needs to understand that DV is not acceptable under any circumstances and women are not just there to be beaten and abused and victimised, but are there to be respected as partners and equals.

There are some complicated patterns of DV in your history, violent relationships between men and women that appear to be passed on from generation to generation. You have been estranged from your father, your relationship with your first boyfriend was bad, your relationship between you and your husband is toxic, your daughter was assaulted by her boyfriend, your son feels DV is acceptable behaviour, and now your daughter is too frightened to see you.

Focussing on your guilt about the infidelity is not helpful. It is just a side issue, (but made more complicated by the fact that none of your family seem able to speak truthfully and respectfully about the pain they feel.)

You must put a stop to this by taking a stand. Not going back, not being the victim, no matter how painful. You, your husband and your children must see and understand the consequences of violence so that they stop playing victim/aggressor roles. Family therapy would be appropriate, but it sounds as if it might be too late. Therapy for yourself, your daughter and your son if he will go is essential. You must learn and communicate to your children the proper ways of talking to others, respecting others, give them space, but also learning how to respect and love themselves.

OP . lots of similarities in my own situation.

DV in my marriage on and off , verbal abuse too. I did want to leave but was told that wasnt an option as we have DS(now 15 but 3 when I wanted to leave). I fell for another guy at work when DS was 3 , wasnt an affair but I wanted to leave because I knew I what I felt .......

I stayed, but H remains even more angry and controlling as I am the bad guy now for wanting to leave and liking someone else et all .....and my son sat across from me last week and told me how his dad had been kind and gracious in forgiving me an emotional affair and how he would never tolerate that in his future wife ..... he also justifies a lot of his dad's actions ...but hes very close to me too and loving as a son with me too most times ....

It is what it is .....I feel your pain ....I'm here and there are probably a lot more of us out there going through similar ....the only thing I want to point out to remind you is ....DS and DD are your children too .....give them a little time , they will see that marriages may fail but the mother never stops loving her kids nor vice versa ...what I'm trying to say is, they will come around, stay strong, this isnt foreever - the showdown that made you leave , count it as having happened for the best. Go about getting your new home and life set , and things wiith your children will normalise given a little time - keep the lines of communication open with them even if its onesided with DS right now. Handle this calmly, you have paid your dues for the errors made, and tried your best. No more guilt as the others said.

OP does your husband know you had an affair? Does your son know? Is that why he is siding with his dad? I'm not sure what the story is exactly. You say everything kicked off when you were going to leave, but it's not clear if your affair was out in the open.

It sounds like you didn't think the relationship was that great - but you're right you weren't justified in having an affair, by the sounds of it you should have left long before that happened. His resulting behaviour is equally not justified, smashing things up and throwing food and wine and abusing you is unjustifiable. And the kids are there in the middle of all this? I can't imagine the trauma they've gone through.

Now it's escalated even further and he has shown just what a violent, dangerous man he is. It was appalling that the police placed your 18 year old son, barely an adult, in the middle of all this to supposedly try and liaise. That is just shocking.

TBH I think the only choice you have here is to press charges, hope he goes to jail and will then have less chance of influencing the kids. You DD needs to see that that is what happens to men who behave like this. Your poor children, I can't imagine how damaged they are. But this man needs to go to jail and you need to be back in the house. The kids desperately need professional help.

You need to press charges, seek a non-molestation order, ask for a referral for an Idva and contact social services to ask for support in safeguarding your daughter. By trying to placate your son you’re effectively reinforcing the message your dh has given him that you’re the bad guy who needs to be punished. If your son sees professionals taking the abuse seriously you might give him a fighting chance of not becoming a perpetrator of domestic abuse himself.

Press charges and get your daughter how coild you leave her with such an abusive man

What do you want help with? It doesn't matter what you've done, this is all about the fact that your husband has assaulted you and hopes you kill yourself.

You need to do whatever you have to to divorce this man, get away and get him in prison. Your daughter is a minor so needs to be looked after. Leave your son to make his own choices. He's an adult and can deal with the consequences of siding with his abusive father.

I have no time at all for cheaters but it in no way justifies what he has done to you. You need to divorce him. He may get a bigger share of some things due to age, but nothing matters more than your safety. Keep working on your relationship with your son, but I really do think you should give your statement to the police

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No advice, but he sounds absolutely vile.

Given he groomed you from when you were barely an adult, started abusing you 2 years in (and I suspect, a lot earlier than that) and he has continued to be abusive, I don't blame you for for the affair. I normally would.

You need to speak to the police and agree to press charges. Your son will not come round until he can be removed from his father's influence IMO. He has seen how you're treated and has decided it doesn't matter, his dad is justified in beating his own wife because you cheated.

I wish you luck. This is not going to be easy, but you owe it to yourself and your children.

@sussanna

why do you stay?

OP h was abusive long before your affair. If you'd been just a few months younger when you met, it would have been statutory rape.

I know it's hard to hear but unfortunately your DS appears to be following in his footsteps. You need to prioritise yourself right now and that starts with pressing charges.