I think I've given him herpes

[Worryworry77]

Name changed for this as it's humiliating :-(

15 years ago I was diagnosed with HSV1 (the variety that people get on the mouth as a cold sore) except I got it down below, transmitted to me during oral sex from my then asymptomatic boyfriend I presume.

As the HSV1 strain tends to be mild when caught down below I haven't had many outbreaks over the years and to be honest I kind of forget I even have it.

I always use condoms as standard regardless and don't have unprotected sex. If there's any sign of an outbreak (maybe 4 occasions over the past 15 years) I abstain from sex completely for a couple of months.

Well a bloke I've been seeing for the past 4 months has contacted me last night and asked if I'm feeling OK down below. He thinks he has thrush but wanted to check in with me to see if it could be anything else, IE am I having troublesome symptoms.

What he is describing sounds a lot like herpes. I'm mortified.

He said he's bought some thrush cream from the chemist.

I'm obviously naive and stupid as I thought the risk of transmission was miniscule providing we wear protection and there's no sign of an outbreak (haven't had one for years)

I don't know what to say to him. We've recently come to the end of the road relationship-wise as there are some signs he could potentially be abusive later on down the line, he has a bad temper.

I feel so, so guilty.

What would you do if you were me?

I'm going to reccomend he goes and gets tested at a clinic but would you let him know about this beforehand or not?

He's going to know its me isn't he? He hasn't been with anyone else recently. What the hell do I say when he gets diagnosed and goes ballistic?

I'm devastated 😔

That's really difficult. I'm not sure there is anything you can do. I would be extremely upset and angry if I were him. Surely you must have known there was still a risk of him catching it?

Were you taking antivirals?

I guess your options are to lie and pretend you didn't know you had it or to tell the truth and apologise.

@Worryworry77 HSV1 is very very common, around 67% of the population have it. So he has done well to not contract it till now. Once he is over the shock he will calm down given a clear accurate understanding. You have done what you could to prevent this happening.

Tell him you're not having any symptoms yourself and suggest he gets tested. Emphasise you've always used condoms.

Re evaluate after he gets the test results.

It could just be thrush.

I'm not very versed in this type of stuff but isn't it something that should be discussed with partners before you sleep together?

I don't take antivirals no. The first outbreak was treat at the time and subsequent ones have been so mild and rare that I've never needed to.

I genuinely thought I wouldn't be able to pass it on providing I use condoms and abstain completely if there's any hint of it resurfacing.

I had a relationship for 8 years with my DC father (who does know about it) and I didn't transmit it to him at all, which only reaffirmed my thoughts that it's incredibly unlikely.

I can see, from what I've read today, that isn't the case and there's still a chance.

I'm praying it is just thrush he has but I'm going to be completely upfront from now on 😔

I would just say he should go and get it looked at to check it’s thrush and tell him that you’re fine. More people have it then not and you took all the precautions you could have. He might actually just have thrush. Once you’ve told him you’re fine just block him because if he is abusive, you should cut him out completely.

That figure relates to the prevalence of HSV-1 as oral herpes, it's not as at all as common as genital herpes.

The OP did take steps to minimise the risk of transmitting it to her boyfriend but it wasn't for her to evaluate the risk for her boyfriend. That should have been his decision.

The OP should have obviously told her boyfriend, she acknowledges that. Hopefully the boyfriend will understand.

My daughters and any of their new partners would get STD tests before starting new relationships when they were Uni age. They used to joke about it but I thought it was brilliant. It showed they had a great approach to their own sexual health.

Hopefully it's just thrush. 

How awful that you didn’t tell him before starting a sexual relationship with him. You need to tell him asap so that he can get tested and treatment if necessary. Be responsible going forward. A friend of mine was given this by a partner who didn’t bother to tell them that had it. My friend was unfortunate enough to have 8 outbreaks in the first year after catching it and it really impacted their life.

No, 67% of the population does not have HSV1 with genital herpes. It’s attitudes like that that downplay the seriousness of STDs. And that is the worldwide figure that doesn’t take into account the local population and local practices.

I would be very unhappy if my partner knew he had herpes, either oral or genital, and did not tell me, allowing me to catch it. Just because something is common doesn’t mean we can take a carefree attitude towards it.

I can’t believe you were having regular sex and not told him. There’s really no excuse for this. If you knew about it and chose not to disclose it to him then he could technically make a police report. I don’t have any sympathy for you in this situation. You’ve known about it for 15 years and had multiple outbreaks in that time!

Also you still haven’t told him? Even knowing that he’s going to buy thrush cream. Poor man

I’m not sure if things have changed, but herpes tests never used to be included on standard STD tests. You had to actually have a sore that can be swabbed for standard tests. There are blood test I think, but they’re not routinely done with STD tests of at least they never used to be.

Because he's a scary man, I wouldn't say anything. Just say "I don't have any symptoms" and leave it there. End all contact.

It seems unlikely you passed it onto him if you're not symptomatic.

@MyDogsLoveCafes
I’m not sure if things have changed, but herpes tests never used to be included on standard STD tests. You had to actually have a sore that can be swabbed for standard tests. There are blood test I think, but they’re not routinely done with STD tests of at least they never used to be

Ohh, sorry, I wasn't clear. I only mentioned the fact my girls would get STD checks as I liked their open attitude towards sexual health. I don't know what they were tested for.

One of my daughters sent me a photo of her and her newish boyfriends holding their 'certificates' ( might have been screen shots, I can't remember) showing they were negative for STDs. They were just being silly by sending it to me but apart from making me laugh I thought it was good.

In light of your comments about his temper, and reason to believe he could be abusive, I wouldn't disclose anything at this stage.

I agree with other posters that you should tell him that you aren't experiencing any symptoms and advise that he heads to the clinic just to check.

I cant help you OP but I've always thought that condoms would prevent transmission (if not in an active phase) as well. What else are you supposed to do or is it abstain only? Oh, and I also thought that they would prevent thrush too.

Could he have caught whatever it is from a previous partner since you've only been dating four months?

Ohh, sorry, I wasn't clear. I only mentioned the fact my girls would get STD checks as I liked their open attitude towards sexual health. I don't know what they were tested for.

One of my daughters sent me a photo of her and her newish boyfriends holding their 'certificates' ( might have been screen shots, I can't remember) showing they were negative for STDs. They were just being silly by sending it to me but apart from making me laugh I thought it was good.

It’s definitely a good thing and they sound very sensible. Just make them aware that it may not mean they don’t have herpes, unless they had blood tests, which still isn’t the norm for standard STD tests as far as I’m aware.

Very unlikely to have transmitted if you're using condoms and not symptomatic. Might just be thrush or something else. My DP recently had something weird, I thought might be thrush but he had some real sore patches. Went to the GP and was told it was a skin condition and was prescribed dermovate. So might even be something like that!

A difficult one.

I think having an STD might have to preclude me from having casual sex. I wouldn’t want to tell just anyone my medical history, but I’d feel like I had to.

In this case, you don’t know for sure it’s what you think it is. Just direct him to the STD clinic and tell him you plan to go yourself.

I had a shit man accusing me of having an STI once (genital warts, which loads of people are carriers of and they may appear months, years later).
I'd write "No symptoms here. If you get tested please let me know the outcome, so I can get tested too."

To clarify, he had already bought the thrush cream before he told me any of this.

I haven't seen him or spoken to him in over a week until now. He has only just told me.

I have suggested he go and have a full STD check regardless of the fact he thinks it's thrush so I'm not trying to prevent him being diagnosed to save my own back.

I'm as surprised as he is that something is wrong as I genuinely didn't think he was at risk. I haven't had an outbreak in years and didn't think I'd be able to pass it on if it's not active and symptomatic.

I had unprotected sex with my ex for years (all discussed in advance of TTC) and he didn't catch it, wrongly that just confirmed to me that I wasn't going to be able to infect anybody else - especially not if I'm using protection and avoiding sex completely when symptomatic.

I'll take the battering as I do feel I deserve it and I'm really kicking myself today. I feel sick.

I appreciate you’re feeling bad, but a 1 minute read online would confirm it’s possible to pass it on without an outbreak/symptoms. You need to tell him, otherwise he may not go and be tested. The sores will go away and he could then pass it on to others, if he believes his symptoms were just thrush.

I do think you should have told him before having sex, but keep the following in mind:

1. It may well not be herpes at all.
2. If it is herpes, he may have contracted it from a previous partner and not from you (it can lie dormant).

Hi

I would say that is you did not have symptoms, which you would know and were using protection that there is very little chance that you have passed this on. He could have had it lying dormant for years and had a flare up. I am really sorry but why do you need to shoulder all the responsibility for his sexual well being when he is also an adult who needs to be responsible for his own. Yes, you could have told him that you have had some outbreaks in the past but did he ask you? No. Remember you are not going to pass it on if you have no symptoms.

I agree (rarely) that the adage ‘liar liar your pants are on fire’ could be for the best here.