I think I've given him herpes

[Worryworry77]

Name changed for this as it's humiliating :-(

15 years ago I was diagnosed with HSV1 (the variety that people get on the mouth as a cold sore) except I got it down below, transmitted to me during oral sex from my then asymptomatic boyfriend I presume.

As the HSV1 strain tends to be mild when caught down below I haven't had many outbreaks over the years and to be honest I kind of forget I even have it.

I always use condoms as standard regardless and don't have unprotected sex. If there's any sign of an outbreak (maybe 4 occasions over the past 15 years) I abstain from sex completely for a couple of months.

Well a bloke I've been seeing for the past 4 months has contacted me last night and asked if I'm feeling OK down below. He thinks he has thrush but wanted to check in with me to see if it could be anything else, IE am I having troublesome symptoms.

What he is describing sounds a lot like herpes. I'm mortified.

He said he's bought some thrush cream from the chemist.

I'm obviously naive and stupid as I thought the risk of transmission was miniscule providing we wear protection and there's no sign of an outbreak (haven't had one for years)

I don't know what to say to him. We've recently come to the end of the road relationship-wise as there are some signs he could potentially be abusive later on down the line, he has a bad temper.

I feel so, so guilty.

What would you do if you were me?

I'm going to reccomend he goes and gets tested at a clinic but would you let him know about this beforehand or not?

He's going to know its me isn't he? He hasn't been with anyone else recently. What the hell do I say when he gets diagnosed and goes ballistic?

I'm devastated 😔

Really more people have it than not?
I don't believe that... just from my lived experience... I've never been told by anyone that they have it.
Do y'all have it? Am I living in a bubble?

Dont admit owt.

Look it up.

Around 60% of people have HSV1.

I don't know the statistics for how many of those have outbreaks in the genital area but the infection itself is very common. Unfortunately.

I'm going to get flamed here - but I wouldn't tell him you knew before... Go get tested then tell him that's what was found out.
He most likely got it from someone else...

So apparently 2/3 of people with the cold sores virus are symptomless, so they'll never know they have it unless they get a blood test.

It's very common - apparently by the time you're in your 40s about 80-90% have the virus.

Herpes on the genitals is much rarer though, but it's caused by the same virus

I am normally 99% upfront, but if that guy is a nut job I would just deny that I had it. You don’t want him kicking off in front of your kids or neighbors.
also best thing is to go to a sexual health clinic (done this twice after breaking up, to get checked out). I think it’s possibly the norm these days.

Out of interest, if people have it and it can still be transmitted even when asymptomatic, what does those people do for receiving oral (woman receiving)? Do they just never do that ever again? As I know hardly anyone in the world uses dental dams!

I'm not sure what he is capable of to be honest. I am aware he has been in bother with the police for what they deemed to be harassment towards his ex.

I did a claires law request and this is why I've been distancing myself so the timing is awful 😔

I thought we were over and done with and I'd managed to extract myself with minimal fallout, no contact for a week, and now this.

@Worryworry77 you have said you always use condoms so how could you have infected him??? as regards the temper, do you really want a relationship with someone who has anger issues??

We have used a condom every time. I didn't think I was able to infect him for that reason.

I now understand that it's possible to pass it on even if you don't have symptoms and despite using condoms.

No I don't want a relationship with an angry person, that's why I ended the relationship. I wasn't expecting any further contact.

I agree.
If he was decent a conversation could be had.
If he’s abusive put yourself first.

You have no idea who he has, and hadn’t slept with.
You have taken every precaution.
I know it’s not ideal, but abusive men use information like this as a stick to beat you with.
Let him go and get tested. He could just have thrush.

So it should be disclosed by someone who has had a cold sore in their genitals but not ever disclosed if you have had a cold sore on your mouth. Why is everyone not telling a partner that they had a cold sore on their mouth before they kiss , have oral sex, woman to man, man to woman, woman to woman man to man. Have you? On mouth equals = good person no stigma. On genital = bad person, should be ashamed, stigmatised and ostracised. Same virus whether 1 or 2. They can be on both sites. Very hypocritical of some and ignorant.

Does he know your distancing yourself from him? Is it a possibility that he knows what it is, knows where it came from, etc but is wanting to pin the blame on you in a way to shame you for leaving? It might even be possible that he doesn't even have anything wrong with him and is claiming he does?

My first ever ex did this to me, excessive sweat and chafing had caused an skin infection to his upper inside thighs near his groin and I was to blame. I was physically and emotionally abused for almost 3 weeks solid because I was " obviously dirty and disgusting" so it had to be from me. Even though multiple doctors and test results stating it wasn't from me or sex at all, he would not accept i hadn't cheated and gave him something.

That's awful Monkey, I'm sorry.

He's definitely aware I've distanced myself. I've framed it as having a lot going on, family issues, overrun with work, don't have the bandwidth for anything else atm. Etc.

It's impossible to say for sure what he's thinking or if he even has anything wrong with him.

I guess now I wait and see what he comes back with after being tested. It'll be a stressful wait no doubt.

After your updates I think it may actually be wise to play ignorant, tell him you’ve been checked and all is good your end.

See that is what really annoys me. OP, because you knew that you had had something, were aware and managing it you now have the full responsibility of ensuring his well being sexually and it is nothing to do with him. You were the one insisting on a condom knowing that. I would deny it as you know when you have a flare and you are not lying you are telling the truth as you know. This is a physical irritation it is nothing to do with you behaviour, morals or you as a person. Do not let this take a toll on your mental health which is what suffers because of the stigma and shame. It is a virus not a measure of your integrity. You will be able to be intimate, you will meet someone who loves you and does not give a hoot about a virus. It is part of your not all of you in any way and a teeny weeny virus part that the majority of us have. You sound great and a very genuine person. Meet someone like minded. I wish you all the very best.xx

If you didn’t have an outbreak, and used a condom, he hasn’t caught herpes from you.

Maybe he has got thrush.

Maybe he had heroes lying dormant for years (which can happen).

Maybe he is lying to you and has been shagging someone else, but is feeling guilty / being responsible/ trying to pre-blame you in case he has caught something.

I would get checked out and tell him the results. You will only test positive for herpes if you have an outbreak.

I'm normally one for being 100% upfront. This is not the case here.

You can't risk your safety and that of your children.

You are doing the right thing getting checked out.
You don't even know if he has herpes or if you gave it to him.

All you can do is insist he gets checked. Hopefully he thinks he gave it to you.

It's not ideal and things could have been done differently but he's volient do I wouldn't be putting yourself at risk.

Unfortunately, that's not correct.

Herpes "sheds" which means you can catch it even without an active outbreak.

You can catch it even if you use a condom. This is because it's transmitted by skin-to-skin contact - and if the infected area is outside the area the condom covers, it is transmitted.

You can only test via swabs during an outbreak but you can be tested via a blood test at any time.

I'd suggest he gets checked out and say you have no symptoms. I'd maybe use this as an excuse to step away if you feel he's abusive. I wouldn't tell him you have it.

It’s herpes. Many people get it as people don’t even know they have it and transmit it. At least that’s what I was taught - could be wrong! I’d fess up and say you’ve had herpes previously and it can transmit without symptoms on the sender, apologise and move on.

Unless I’m completely wrong as to transmission?

I had no idea it could be passed on with no outbreak even if you used a condom. My dd has caught it from her current boyfriend and the sexual health nurse told her she could only pass it on when she was having an outbreak. So what do you actually do to ensure you absolutely don't pass it on to new partners as she's only 20 and might not be with him forever.

All she can do is use protection and abstain when the virus is active but even that isn't failsafe, as I now know.

@Worryworry77 he might be making all this up to keep contact going. But still get checked out.