I think I've given him herpes

[Worryworry77]

Name changed for this as it's humiliating :-(

15 years ago I was diagnosed with HSV1 (the variety that people get on the mouth as a cold sore) except I got it down below, transmitted to me during oral sex from my then asymptomatic boyfriend I presume.

As the HSV1 strain tends to be mild when caught down below I haven't had many outbreaks over the years and to be honest I kind of forget I even have it.

I always use condoms as standard regardless and don't have unprotected sex. If there's any sign of an outbreak (maybe 4 occasions over the past 15 years) I abstain from sex completely for a couple of months.

Well a bloke I've been seeing for the past 4 months has contacted me last night and asked if I'm feeling OK down below. He thinks he has thrush but wanted to check in with me to see if it could be anything else, IE am I having troublesome symptoms.

What he is describing sounds a lot like herpes. I'm mortified.

He said he's bought some thrush cream from the chemist.

I'm obviously naive and stupid as I thought the risk of transmission was miniscule providing we wear protection and there's no sign of an outbreak (haven't had one for years)

I don't know what to say to him. We've recently come to the end of the road relationship-wise as there are some signs he could potentially be abusive later on down the line, he has a bad temper.

I feel so, so guilty.

What would you do if you were me?

I'm going to reccomend he goes and gets tested at a clinic but would you let him know about this beforehand or not?

He's going to know its me isn't he? He hasn't been with anyone else recently. What the hell do I say when he gets diagnosed and goes ballistic?

I'm devastated 😔

It's called informed concent. He consented to sex he did not consent to sex which could leave him with a lifelong disease which changes his dating prospects, his own future partners and can have a damaging effect on his health and mental health. the decision was taken away by op omitting it, when she knew that it was an possibility.

She should have told him as the information may have meant he not have wished to pursue the relationship or sexual contact at all.

The 67 percent of people may carry it, but not on their genitalia, so basically ignore everything that poster said as well.

If it's herpes and not something else, it's unlikely he got it from someone else, because you usually get a big outbreak soon after sex when you first catch it.

That's not helpful. She knew and she didn't tell him, and that's unacceptable. What's done is done, but going forward, OP needs to change her ways. Luckily it's only a harmless skin rash, ultimately, but this is about informed consent. Can you imagine the outcry and the utter rage on here if this post was from a woman whose male partner had infected her without disclosing?

Ignorance of how it's transmitted and why a condom isn't enough is no excuse.

The ignorance on here is stunning. You can 100 percent pass it on without symptoms. The virus often sheds, and you have no idea it's doing so. It's more likely to shed if you're stressed or run-down or short of sleep, but it can do so anytime for no reason. This is how genital herpes spreads, and this is why more than half of people have oral herpes. People don't generally go round kissing and shagging when they have sores. It's transmitted when there are no symptoms, which is why it's so widely spread.

Edited: Just read a few more responses, and I shouldn't single you out, because there is poster after poster confidently declaring that you can't pass it on if you have no symptoms.

To be clear for everyone: You can easily pass on genital herpes when there are no symptoms because the virus can shed on any of the skin area that would be covered by boxer shorts. Shedding causes no symptoms and happens randomly.

You can easily have caught it but not have an outbreak. You should have a blood test. This kind of thing is how it gets passed on.

I have it and I use anti-virals, in combination with disclosing to my partners, so they can take on the level of risk they're comfortable with. I do have some dental dams and I think they could be a useful tool in a longterm relationship where there was a lot of sex and a lot of oral. But I've only had FWBs since breaking up with my exH a few short years ago. My current FWB goes down on me without the dental dams, and happily takes the risk, and I'm on anti-virals. I ramp up my dose quite high in the few days before I see him (doc's suggestion).

He didn’t necessarily get it from you as generally it’s passed on when you have symptoms. I was told this recently by a nurse at a sexual health clinic. Time for an honest conversation though.

That’s not true. It can be passed on without an outbreak/symptoms.

It can be passed on by people who are carriers too without symptoms. I had a first outbreak when I’d been in the same relationship for 15 years. He had no symptoms or it was from someone previously. Op I told my partner in a new relationship and he was understanding but he always practiced safe sex. If men are not going to wear a condom they know there are risks for you both.

While I agree op should disclose it she’s done everything possible to protect him and not wilfully and recklessly playing with people’s health

her ex on the other hand was quite happy to have unprotected sex without even a conversation so I’d say he’s more a risk than op

if he’s willing to have unprotected sex he’s taking the risk that he’ll catch something and is ok with that risk

Hi so that means if you have had a cold sore on your mouth at any time and you may be shedding which you probably will not be aware of (Same if it is on your genitals you won't know at that time. So you need to disclose every time you kiss or have oral sex if you have had a cold sore on your mouth? No? One poster says it's about consent. Do they disclose that as well? If not why not.?

If you could only pass it on during an outbreak, no sod would ever catch it, would they? Think about it, if you were about to have sex with someone and noticed sores on their genitals, would you proceed? No, obviously not. The reason people catch it 99% of the time is because they don’t know the other person carries it, or occasionally it’s assumed that the sores aren’t herpes and are caused by other things like ingrown hairs etc I suppose.

Sorry to the OP to railroad. Just to clarify a few points here since HIV has been brought into the mix as life with HIV is not like this for the vast majority of us. I am speaking for the UK, acknowledging there can be challenges in other countries like Africa, especially at the moment with changes ordered by Trump restricting access to testing and treatment ...

HIV nowadays is regarded as a chronic manageable illness. When caught early there will be no debilitating illnesses or death. When diagnosed further down the line people can start to experience debilitating illnesses and even if diagnosed at this stage the virus can be managed and brought under control. The important thing is to get tested and if diagnosed go on effective treatment. This means the virus is reduced to undetectable levels and cannot be passed on to sexual partners, even without using condoms.

Taken from the THT website:

In England and Wales, you may be found guilty of reckless HIV transmission if all of the below apply:

• You had sex with someone who didn’t know you had HIV.
• You knew you had HIV at that time.
• You understood how HIV is transmitted.
• You had sex without a condom.
• You transmitted HIV to that person.

In Scotland, the law is more strict. You can also be prosecuted for putting someone at risk without their prior knowledge or consent, even if transmission did not take place.

As the criteria would not be fulfilled for a prosecution to take place there is no legal requirement for someone on meds with undetectable VL to tell them. There is information online from the CPS regarding this and STIs generally including herpes. Note that laws can differ in different countries.

So did he ever get back to you with anything on his STI situation?

Well, sady, as my Grandmother would say every time I said " I thought..."
Thought followed a dust-cart thinking it was a wedding.
With something as serious as Herpes, thought doesn't cut it. Did you seek medical advice about preventing transmission?
It's also unlikely he has thrush from sex, tho' he may have developed it.

'Although both the vagina and penis can both be affected by thrush, it is not a sexually transmitted disease. This is a very common misconception, but thrush is very rarely passed on through sexual contact.'

Not everyone who gets cold sores on the mouth has to disclose no but it's kind of the right thing to do to make people aware so they can make an informed decision, then if something like this does happen they won't be able to say you kept anything from them and your conscience will be a lot clearer. I think whatever the outcome even if you don't have any active flare ups at the time in future, just tell people before the event so that it is out in the open from the start. Obviously there will be occasions where people might decide not to have sex as a result and that's not going to be nice for you but in the long run it will be a better outcome for your emotional wellbeing not knowing if they might have contracted it and not having to worry that someone might go ballistic.

There’s a toddler that might lose their eyesight after being kissed by a stranger with a cold sore, hate the way mumsnet downplays cold sores / herpes they are very serious!