I think I've given him herpes

[Worryworry77]

Name changed for this as it's humiliating :-(

15 years ago I was diagnosed with HSV1 (the variety that people get on the mouth as a cold sore) except I got it down below, transmitted to me during oral sex from my then asymptomatic boyfriend I presume.

As the HSV1 strain tends to be mild when caught down below I haven't had many outbreaks over the years and to be honest I kind of forget I even have it.

I always use condoms as standard regardless and don't have unprotected sex. If there's any sign of an outbreak (maybe 4 occasions over the past 15 years) I abstain from sex completely for a couple of months.

Well a bloke I've been seeing for the past 4 months has contacted me last night and asked if I'm feeling OK down below. He thinks he has thrush but wanted to check in with me to see if it could be anything else, IE am I having troublesome symptoms.

What he is describing sounds a lot like herpes. I'm mortified.

He said he's bought some thrush cream from the chemist.

I'm obviously naive and stupid as I thought the risk of transmission was miniscule providing we wear protection and there's no sign of an outbreak (haven't had one for years)

I don't know what to say to him. We've recently come to the end of the road relationship-wise as there are some signs he could potentially be abusive later on down the line, he has a bad temper.

I feel so, so guilty.

What would you do if you were me?

I'm going to reccomend he goes and gets tested at a clinic but would you let him know about this beforehand or not?

He's going to know its me isn't he? He hasn't been with anyone else recently. What the hell do I say when he gets diagnosed and goes ballistic?

I'm devastated 😔

@Worryworry77 You said the relationship had come to an end because he was starting to show signs of potentially being abusive, so i think you need to tread very carefully here.

I appreciate you should of told him beforehand and if it does turn out to be this then he does have every right to not be happy but I'd be very cautious about telling him you have known about you having this all along. Especially with someone who is already showing signs of having a bad temper. To me, honesty is the best policy BUT your safety needs to be a priority here over morals. Its not ideal but you could say you've also been for an STD test aswell and you've just found out through your results or something similar.

This.

It should be a crime really.

What are you supposed to do? TELL YOUR SEXUAL PARTNERS so they can make an informed choice on whether they'd like to proceed and catch a life long STI would be a start.

It is highly highly you have to be unlikely it was (if it is herpes) passed on with no symptoms. Would anyone here be able to say they have never kissed someone on the lips/checks because they have had a cold sore and "may" have another one but have to symptoms. It is the stigma around this which makes it so difficult to share as the same type of cold sore in another part of you body is meant to make to full of shame. Sorry I absolutely do not agree with that. You are allowed to have intimate relationships with a cold sore either on the mouth or anywhere else. It is misinformation and stigma that make you fell you can't.

Don't tell an abusive man anything. For all you know, he caught it from someone else. Either by cheating or it laying dormant. He's looking into it now so let him sort it himself.

Even better if he thinks he might have given you something as hopefully he's more likely to leave you alone now.

I thought you could only pass it on if you have an outbreak, and surely you’d know if you had even if the symptoms are mild - sores on your fanny are always going to be noticeable. It’s the same as kissing a person who gets cold sores on their mouth. Most of us wouldn’t think twice about it if they didn’t have an active sore. I get shocking cold sores and in 22 years of snogging my husband he’s never caught them and nor have the kids.

Chances are he’s picked it up from somewhere else and it can lie dormant for years.

It’s worth you both getting a full STD screen.

Hey OP.

I've NC for this because there's so much stigma around herpes.

About 17 years ago I was with someone, probably around the 4-5 month mark - all going amazingly well. After one particularly vigorous weekend away, I was feeling a bit sore.... To cut a long story short, it was herpes.

We'd had all the conversations about STIs and checks etc, and were both clear. Except he bloody wasn't.

His ex-wife had herpes and he "never thought he'd contracted it" so didn't see any point mentioning it because he'd never had symptoms. Idiot.

We both got symptoms after that weekend - he thought I had given it to him! He obviously realised eventually that actually he was the culprit.

Killed everything between us stone-dead - never saw or spoke to him again. He was wracked with guilt.

The doctor at the STI clinic was a bit of an arsehole, which didn't help. He told me that I should treat every penis as diseased and basically implied that I'd been riding bareback on every dick in town. I'd actually used condoms but there is still skin-to-skin contact outside the area that the condom covers and that's how it was transmitted. It was an unbelievably humiliating experience, mainly due to the doctor's attitude.

Anyway, I don't have any flare-ups now but I did for a few years.

You can take anti-virals if you are worried about shedding and infecting someone. But you do still need to tell them because it's not 100% effective. And as you now know, it's possible to pass it on even if you're asymptomatic.

Your ex may even have it without knowing.

I completely, completely understand how humilating it is to have to tell someone. And it's a complete fucker because this is one of the few STIs that's a friend for life. I really do sympathise - for a very long time I felt like tainted goods. Probably still do tbh, but luckily I've been with an amazing man for 15 years now.

The damage is done now so no point giving yourself more problems. You say you have concerns over his temper so I would absolutely deny it all and say you're fine. That's not going to change anything - the clinic will pick it up without you exposing yourself to potential abuse/danger.

Just as a heads-up though - the clinic can usually tell if it's an initial flare-up or a recurrence, so they may well tell him it's a new infection...in which case he may be very pissed-off with you. I'd block and move on asap, just in case.

Thank you so much for that. That's correct it is a cold sore and unpleasant as it is will not kill you but the stigma and shame can which is fueled by misinformation. Drug companies make huge profits out of this so love to keep it going.

It's such a difficult one as it isn't a standard STD and I really don't agree with some of the harsh comments made on here.

If you have cold sores on your mouth you can literally infect yourself if you touched a cold sore and then down below!

That being said it is always best to be upfront with partners - but it's life - people make mistakes.

This website has some really useful information:
https://herpes.org.uk/

It's highly unlikely you've given it to him - you are most contagious the first year after infection - this long after you first caught it - it would be highly unlikely for you to pass it on without symptoms.

I agree with other posters - as he's abusive keep your distance and sign post him to the doctors.

Unfortunately you can pass it on even if you are asymptomatic. Look up shedding.

Standard STI screens won't catch herpes unless it's in an active phase. I believe they can do specific tests to screen for it but my understanding is that this isn't routine.

I would act numb until he goes and gets tested, could be something completely different. Sounds like you are doing everything right to prevent transmission. but I would go ballistic if I was him, that you didn’t tell him you had the herpes before sleeping with him! Plus, he may put your name out there so deny, deny.

Actually OP, I just wanted to add to my previous post.

I wasn't actually angry with my ex for infecting me.

Herpes is embarrassing but doesn't actually affect my health. He didn't do it deliberately. He didn't deliberately withhold the information and not care whether I was infected. He just didn't know he could pass it on, didn't realise. Just a silly mistake.

There's a lot of misinformation out there about all kinds of subjects. We all get things wrong sometimes, misunderstand. You didn't do this deliberately, you just got it wrong.

Try to forgive yourself. You know better now so you don't need to find yourself in this situation again. You're not even certain that you have given him herpes - maybe you haven't. But this is a good warning shot so if you do meet your Mr Right, you don't screw things up by not telling him in advance 💐

No need to shout. I explained I didn't think it was possible to pass it on if you used condoms, same as OP. A couple of others have said the same. I also didn't think you could pass on thrush if you used condoms but that is what the BF thinks he has despite them using condoms.

I think it's worth me getting a screening too yes.

I'm worried he might not get tested, satisfy himself that it's thrush and inadvertently infect somebody else, if it is indeed herpes he has.

Thinking back - we got together in October and I asked when he'd last been with someone and he said a few months prior with a woman from tinder. That isn't how we met, we met IRL.

When he told me about these symptoms I asked whether he got checked after the last person and he said he did, but he might not have? Especially as his first port of call now is to assume thrush and get something from the chemist as opposed to going straight to be tested.

It could be possible for this not to be from me couldn't it?

When we first slept together it was me who insisted we used condoms as he was happy to proceed without, so he might not have used anything with her.

I also know he tells lies so wouldn't necessarily tell the truth about what he's doing and with whom.

( deluding myself to calm my panic perhaps? )

What a horrible and shit feeling this is. I don't think I will be comfortable sleeping with anybody else for a long long time, if ever.

Regardless. If I ever do start a new relationship I will never risk this happening again.

@Worryworry77 I would get myself checked and tell him to do the same. He might have given you something else asymptomatic. Or you may have given him herpes. All you can do is either tell him the truth, or not. If you think he has lied about being careful in prior relationships, you could get tested then say you have had a full screening, paid extra for other tests and results show you have herpes, without telling him you knew you have it (but are asymptomatic). Obviously going forwards you need to be honest with your next BF. But as you said this ex has a temper I would understand why you would be reluctant, as long as he tests himself.

Definitely get yourself tested. If you haven't been symptomatic recently there's a good chance this is nothing to do with herpes and could well be something else that you may have caught from him

OP don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t even know if you’ve passed anything on to him. If you’ve not had an outbreak for years and you’re not showing any symptoms then I think the chances that you have given him anything is slim.

I might not understand this fully but my ex used to suffer from cold sores on his mouth - as long as he didn’t have an active cold sore I wouldn’t refrain from kissing him or oral sex. I never caught anything.

Tell him to get checked out and that you will too but that you have no symptoms. You could tell him that what he is describing sounds like herpes so it spurs him to definitely get checked out.

Thank you for the advice and considerations. There is a drop in clinic tomorrow and I'm going to go straight there.

You need to be honest.

Ask him to get tested and get yourself tested too, it could be herpes, it could be thrush or it could be something he is carrying and passed onto you.

Be careful of what you say to a man who you suspect could be abusive. You're not necessarily just because you're out of the intimate relationship unfortunately.

Don't feel guilty, the risk of STI is something you accept by having sex, and condoms don't protect from everything. I suppose you could have told him but I suspect most people with herpes (the majority of the population) don't tell anyone unless there's a significant risk of passing it on, which there wouldn't have been if you were asymptomatic.

I'm prepared to disclose having it but very reluctant to admit that it's an existing diagnosis i was aware of.

If he flies off the handle (which would be understandable) I really cannot afford to have him come round kicking off. I have children here and unfortunately he does seem the type to do that.

As it stands I've urged him to get checked out and told him I will be doing the same.

I work in community pharmacy, when I first started out I will never forget the look.of a young girl 14 by her dob coming in with Rx for an antiviral. No boyfriend with her. Just alone, in pain, terrified and ashamed. Some prick not only had sex with an underage girl, but knowingly gave her an STD. I only hope her life is better now then it was that day.

Can you transfer it if you've used condoms and don't even have an active outbreak? I feel like you probably haven't given it to him...

Have you had any unprotected sex during an outbreak? Ie given him oral without a condom while you have a sore on your mouth? Otherwise I can't really see how he's caught it from you. The virus is dormant without an outbreak as far as I know. And even if there's a slim chance... You used condoms (which protect against STIs)

No unprotected sex with him during an outbreak no, not at all. I haven't had one in years.

Protected for both, oral and otherwise.

I've also never had a cold sore on my mouth, only ever down below, which is why I was shocked to learn that it was type 1.

It would be easier to explain if I did get cold sores on my face to be honest 😩

I guess if he does go on to be diagnosed with herpes and they make it known that it's type 1 I could feign ignorance and say I might have had a cold sore on my lip once upon a time years ago that I didn't realise was a cold sore?

But then so could anybody, couldn't they?

Praying for a miracle that he doesn't settle on the fact that it's definitely from me and come and do something 😔