I think I've given him herpes

[Worryworry77]

Name changed for this as it's humiliating :-(

15 years ago I was diagnosed with HSV1 (the variety that people get on the mouth as a cold sore) except I got it down below, transmitted to me during oral sex from my then asymptomatic boyfriend I presume.

As the HSV1 strain tends to be mild when caught down below I haven't had many outbreaks over the years and to be honest I kind of forget I even have it.

I always use condoms as standard regardless and don't have unprotected sex. If there's any sign of an outbreak (maybe 4 occasions over the past 15 years) I abstain from sex completely for a couple of months.

Well a bloke I've been seeing for the past 4 months has contacted me last night and asked if I'm feeling OK down below. He thinks he has thrush but wanted to check in with me to see if it could be anything else, IE am I having troublesome symptoms.

What he is describing sounds a lot like herpes. I'm mortified.

He said he's bought some thrush cream from the chemist.

I'm obviously naive and stupid as I thought the risk of transmission was miniscule providing we wear protection and there's no sign of an outbreak (haven't had one for years)

I don't know what to say to him. We've recently come to the end of the road relationship-wise as there are some signs he could potentially be abusive later on down the line, he has a bad temper.

I feel so, so guilty.

What would you do if you were me?

I'm going to reccomend he goes and gets tested at a clinic but would you let him know about this beforehand or not?

He's going to know its me isn't he? He hasn't been with anyone else recently. What the hell do I say when he gets diagnosed and goes ballistic?

I'm devastated 😔

Exactly. The 67% figure that keeps getting posted is the worldwide figure, not UK specific.

Why should he be upset or angry? If he’s not adult enough to accept the consequences of having sex then he’s not mature enough to be having sex and that really is the bottom line of the matter at hand. Most people know that STI’s although greatly reduced by the use of condoms are still contractable and still choose to partake in sex. So surely he should know the risks of having sex protected or unprotected are either contracting an STI or an unplanned pregnancy? People don’t tend to take antivirals for HSV unless symptomatic, so the OP isn’t at fault for not taking them.

A huge percentage of the population carry HSV without ever outbreaking and so there is no guarantee he caught it from the OP anyway. Without knowing his sexual history it’s futile to place the blame at the OP’s door, it could be anyone and just a coincidence that he’s out broken now. They used a barrier contraceptive, have not been having sex for any real length of time, she wasn’t in the midst of an active episode and hadn’t had one for years. She was having regular unprotected sex with her ex who never had an outbreak so it’s equally as possible it wasn’t caught from her as it was a previous partner of his. You’re most likely to catch an STI when the other person has newly contracted an infection or has recently had or having outbreak. It’s a hard lesson to learn but a risk everyone takes all the same when they have sex with anyone. Blame doesn’t change the outcome of the situation regardless.

Yes, Yes That. Please see my previous posts!

It may lay dormant for many years and low chance of passing it on, but she will unfortunately have to advise future partners that there is a risk. I’d say a small risk if no active sores but a risk still so she would have to be honest. It is horrible as you’re stuck with it for life

I would be really quite upset if someone had had sex with me knowing they had genital herpes without telling me; that feel very non-consensual to me. As it can be caught whether you have a flare up or not; and once you’ve got it you can never get rid of it. So it’s really something you should be discussing with every sexual partner you have. I feel really bad for him tbh.

What?! Part of being mature about sex is getting tested and if you have a virus that will impact you for the rest of your life you should be disclosing that to any sexual partners. I would also be really upset and angry if someone who knew they had it didn’t tell me. It feels very non-consensual.

would you feel the same if this was HIV?

Does everybody with a history of cold sores on the mouth disclose that? Really? Because that's exactly what my variant is, HSV1.

It just happens to be down below.

I've always been incredibly careful not to pass anything on, refraining from sexual activity for months after a (very rare - I'm talking 4 episodes in 15 years) outbreak.

I always used condoms, at my own insistence with this guy actually, as he wanted to do it without.

I don't think I could feel any worse than I already do but I'm sorry this is in no way comparable to HIV and is an insult to people who have to live with it.

Edited to add - I should point out that in light of the fact I was a lot less informed than I thought I was, given what I've now learned about transmission irrespective of symptoms and barrier contraception, I will 100% disclose my status to any potential future sex partners.

Had this guy not been the way he is I would have been prepared to sit down and have a transparent conversation, unfortunately I don't feel safe doing that knowing what I know about him, but I have pushed him to get tested and said I'm going to do the same myself. I'm going tomorrow.

You have told him to get checked and should reinforce that message. Even if he has it there is no way of knowing it came from you for sure . Symptoms can take years to appear.
You are now informed and going forward will take suitable action with any future partners. In view of his bad temper coming clean may not be a safe option.

HIV is a virus which causes devastating and life changing consequences to people’s lives. HSV whilst it can be unpleasant isn’t remotely the same. HIV causes an array of debilitating illnesses and even death. It decimates your immune system and can heavily impact on a persons day to day life or quality of life on a long term basis. It’s just simply not the same remotely and trying to conflate the two is both ignorant and tone deaf and why there is still so much unnecessary stigma around STI’s.

There is a reason that you legally have to disclose if you have HIV whereas you don’t HSV and other non life threatening STI’s where informed consent is paramount. The reason informed consent exists in these cases is because you can literally become disabled or die. I cannot believe in this day and age people are still trying to conflate the two it’s an absolute mockery.

I think at this stage there's little point telling him you knew you've got it. The time to tell him was before you started sleeping together. You can be shedding the virus often while you're asymptomatic. So the best way is to tell new partners and let them make an informed choice for themselves. If it really is herpes then the easiest thing to say is that you must've had a cold sore when you gave him a blowjob. And since you've already ended the relationship anyway, can't you just ghost/block him?

But it might not even be herpes that's causing his symptoms, so I'd wait and see at this point. If it is then it was incredibly unlucky that he's caught it from you. Female to male transmission rates are much lower than male to female, and that's for unprotected sex. Chances of a man catching herpes from an infected woman are 4% over a year, without condoms.

So with condoms it should be almost impossible for a man to catch it, as it only infects through a mucosa (head of his penis, if he's uncircumcised). If you're certain you never had any genital contact without a condom (and he ought to be aware of that himself as well!), and no breakages, then it seems very, very unlikely that he's caught herpes from you.

Hi Op

No they don't. Did you see my other posts. If anyone is going to judge then they should look back at my past post. Night Night.

I can ghost/block him, I'm just a bit worried about the potential for him to come here if I do.

If he does get diagnosed with it but then can't reach me by phone he will probably see that as me having a guilty conscience.

I do want to know whether he has it as it's going to play on my mind now.

I have just read back and seen your posts azafata thank you ❤️

Thank you for all of this. It's really helpful. So the risk is even less than I thought.

@ThreeMagicNumber As PP have said, you can unfortunately pass it on at any time due to shedding of the virus. That’s why disclosure is so important - condoms don’t provide complete protection either as an infected skin area may lay outside the condom.

Your DD could take Aciclovir. It’s an anti-viral that helps to prevent flare-ups and I believe it reduces shedding too. However it’s not infallible and your DD could still pass the virus on.

My sympathies to your DD - it absolutely sucks to get herpes when you think you’ve been careful.

This - take it easy OP you sound like a good person

Thank you so much x

OP, I wouldn't beat myself up over this too much. It's done now and he's either got it or he's not. You will know to let partners know in advance in future. You messed up but you are sorry and you've learnt from it. You aren't trying to minimise it or excuse what you did but it is what it is.

There is no need to continue to beat yourself up about it.

He may have symptoms he is looking to blame on you . He may just be trying to make contact.

I wouldn’t tell him it may not be you.
Stay strong tell him get tested and you are too.
Don’t check on on him . Wait to see what happens if he gets back in touch.

I went for my screening today. They confirmed there's no active outbreak, which I knew anyway. I'll get the results for everything else in about a week.

I've been crying on and off all day. I'm absolutely gutted. If he has it I don't know how on earth I'll handle seeing him around, because I'm bound to. The stigma attached to this makes me feel unbelievably shit.

Worrying about what he'll say, who he'll tell etc.

Fuck my life 😔

@Worryworry77 he may already have caught it, before becoming involved with you, even if he is found to have it. Or he could be lying to keep contact going. You cannot go backwards, you cannot live by ‘if only’ - please try not to let this get to you. You’ve owned it and if he were not decidedly iffy, you’d have been more open with him. The fact you are worried what he will say and who to, just confirms he’s a wrong ‘un. And honestly, most adults would not think well of someone who started blaming someone or talking about someone’s personal information. Try to put it out of your mind.

Let him lead the conversation. He might not get back to you if he doesn't get tested himself which you told him to do. That is on him.

If he does get tested and it is herpes AND he calls you to say he has it then it's up to you how to handle that conversation based on his tone of voice and the words he uses.

Until then, breathe. (And good luck).

Shit men will always make stuff up about women, including sexual shaming. It says everything about him and nothing about you. People who matter will think less of him for gossiping, and no less of you.

If any gossip ever comes back to you, you can truthfully reply 'Yes, he told me after we stopped dating that he had an STI. I got tested and thankfully got the all clear.'.

I have the same thing, caught the same way you did. Since it happened, years ago, there has never been a time I haven't disclosed. You absolutely must disclose, and not once things have got hot and heavy, either. Tell them early on, so that they can make a clear-headed decision, and not waste your time or theirs. You can be prosecuted for giving someone an STD if you didn't give them the choice. It's their body and it should be their choice as to whether they take that risk or not. It's hardly life-threatening but it will affect his sex life going forward.

Also, you should be on an anti-viral if you're going to have sex. I take Valtrex if I'm going to be seeing my FWB. (Note that it takes 5 days to work.)

Disclosure and anti-virals are the way forward. FWB and I don't use condoms, but I told him that I had herpes way before we were ever near a bed, he did his research, and he is OK with the risk level as long as I'm on Valtrex. His choice.

Of the men I've disclosed to, 50 percent haven't been worried about it and the other 50 percent haven't wanted to go ahead. Their body, their choice. I always felt really good about myself for being honest, and I do also feel that it helps weed out the people who may not like you that much but just want to get their leg over.

I wouldn't admit anything to this guy if you think he could be abusive. He probably won't go to the doctor, so you should be safe. But going forward, I think you should change your ways. Disclose upfront and get on Valtrex.

Let's hope that his discomfort is something else.

P.S. You do not need to abstain from sex for months after an outbreak. You really need to educate yourself more about this condition. Also, the reason it's possible to transmit when asymptomatic is because the virus can be active on the skin without having any symptoms. That's why you should be on anti-virals.

Agree

If you have herpes on your genital region, whether Type 1 or 2, it lives in a bundle of nerves at the base of your spine. (Base of your neck for oral herpes.) The virus can be active in any area of skin that's covered by boxer shorts. It can move around also. I used to get sores in one place and now I get them in another. Anyway, the virus can be shedding on the skin anywhere in that region, with no symptoms, and that's how it can get transmitted. And that's why people with it should be on anti-virals.

See under the header Differences in Symptom Location in this link from the Mayo Clnic, one of the nest hospitals in the world. Herpes on genitals can be active on the buttocks and upper thighs. This is why condoms often don't help.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/genital-herpes/symptoms-causes/syc-20356161