Ex wanting to use force to remove bf out of house.

[Heregoes1234]

I have a situation that I am struggling to know where I stand. There was a history of abuse with my ex we weren’t married. But over a year on I live in the home that’s in his name but am the primary care for our children.

I’ve met someone and my ex has been with the person he cheated with since he left for over a year now.

I’ve introduced my partner to our kids slowly over course of six months to him staying over for first time the other night.

My ex was threatening to come over last night and remove him the house with force and due to it being threatening and late evening he left. He was actually over for dinner with no plans to stay the night. I see him once or twice a week and it works out he sees the children twice a month with the sleepover being new.

I know the situation isnt ideal living in a home that’s not in my name but due to current finances and saving up to move out this is how it’s been. He has since torn up the separation agreement to now state the house will not go to me and the children and I can stay here until they move out or 18. My ex is very wealthy and owns several properties. He wanted me to stay in the family home for our children but it’s all changing now I have met someone.

I have logged with the police once when he last came over as was aggressive towards me and the children. Didn’t touch us but threatened us. He had calmed down and all communication since and drop offs are now through his mum and with his mum looking after them in her home every other weekend where he sees them.

I know the answer is to move out and that is my plan. But do I just bend the knee to not having my partner round when I’ve built it up slowly?

Can he legally drag my partner out the house for it simply being his house. He has not lived here since 2023.

I am trying to find out online but I can’t find anything for this situation.

Who chose thsi solicitor - is she representing you or him?
Have you had legal advice ?

Other posters have asked you but you haven't answered; how did he know your bf was over?

What does your partner think of this? Is he comfortable coming round still?

If I split with my DH, he would be livid too if I met someone new and they were visiting 'his house'. I couldn't even imagine bringing it up in conversation with him, there would be no reasoning in which he could accept it. Sounds like your ex is one of these men too.

He has several houses

Rented out of course.

No-one leaves homes they own empty.... (unless after the last parent dies, while dealing with the estate, etc.).

Oo so we went to collect the kids it’s was dark and late it made sense instead of training there and back as they were going to drop off then changed last minute,

My bf parked up outside didn’t come to the door but they must have seen that I didn’t walk off and went in a car. It was at his mums house his car wasn’t about so I guess his mum would have heard or seen a car drive off. It was pitch black and not that close to the house.

His messages started how did you collect them who was that so on so fourth but two hours after collecting them to him then wanting to come over and drag him out the house if it was my bf and if he was more than a lift. He was messaging every minute on a family group WhatsApp for our kids saying if I don’t respond he’s coming over and using legally force to remove him. There was never a situation I would of fought that but I do think this amount of time on he really can’t threaten me so openly and now to people around me too which this all would of affected the kids if he turned up again and caused a scene.

He had not at any point said I couldn’t have a bf come in the house until that night, he said the opposite for a long time and it’s a 180. I’m currently up waiting for the police to come over and I don’t know what they will say. I was genuinely scared last night that he was going to appear after my bf left. Just to check im actually alone.

If he actually said use "legal force to remove him", does that not just mean he was going to get the police to remove your bf from his property? Physical force and legal force are different things.

No he can’t use physical force to remove your boyfriend .But realistically, this situation isn’t going to work. Most exes ( including those who are not controlling) would have an issue with a new boy/ girlfriend staying overnight in a house they own and paid for. It’s cheeky/ taking the p*. I’d have a problem with it. For someone who is controlling, it just allows them to keep that control. The best thing for you would be to secure your own housing and have a clean break from your ex.

No he said legally he can use force to remove him, himself. That’s why I don’t believe this is genuine concern as why not call local authorities? Why does he need to manhandle.

And to people saying it’s cheeky. If your ex split and they said it’s okay and then down the line you meet someone and they change their mind would it not of been more reasonable to say that or to have boundaries they actually don’t want crossed shared instead of threats and then removing agreements as punishment.

It felt cheeky when he cheated for last two years of the relationship to be honest.

Your not dealing with a reasonable man though. This is a man who felt entitled to cheat on you. This is a man who feels entitled to dictate how you live. Just put this incident out of your head and focus on moving out and supporting yourself. As long as you are relying on him, he will feel entitled to control you.

Why are the police coming tonight, why are you in a wattsapp group with him. Was he at his mum's house when you collected the children

OK, so your options seem to be:

1. Get your separation agreement signed and witnessed legally, at a solicitor's office, after having a lawyer of your own to check it and advise you.
2. Make every effort to get social housing for you and the kids.
3. Go and live with a family member.
4. Take him to court under the Children Act.

Options 1 and 4 will need a LOT of legal input and, as you're skint, may not be possible under your circumstances. Before writing them off, though, you should talk to Refuge and Rights of Women.

Those two organisations should also be able to advise you on getting help to move out. Remember you'll be entitled to benefits and child maintenance if you're running your own household with the children.

I can understand how this situation developed - coercive control is hard to spot before it gets bad, and then it undermines your common sense (which is the objective). But it's untenable and you owe it to yourself and your DC to change things and get on with moving forward in your lives.

If your ex is loaded, it's quite possible he reckons it's cheaper to house you all than to pay a CMS award. If so, he'll sign the agreement. You REALLY need specialist advice on this! Call Rights of Women. Good luck.

The WhatsApp group his mum started after I suggested a parenting app for us all to talk on. My ex has me blocked then unblocks to msg when he wants to communicate. It has made communication difficult at times and arrangements with the kids mixed up or missed.

The police is because I logged the threats he has been making and to be given advice on where I stand being here. The last time he threatened me and the children and came over drunk and drove home drunk.

I feel now I shouldn’t have rang 101 but there has been an intense escalation. It’s not just making demands but threatening if I don’t respond right away in the group chat. Calling me names. An yes maybe I should keep ignoring it but this was threatening my partner and the kids wellbeing if he feels it’s okay he can do that. I just feel now I’ve kicked a hornets nest and they probably can’t just log come over for a chat without it going further or back to
him no doubt amping this up.

You won't have peace in his house OP.
If what he's paying for the house is more than maintenance, then move and use that to pay rent.

How in all that's holy is OP having a boyfriend not prioritising her kids? Please explain in detail, I'm fascinated.

Okay so the police came and have been really helpful they don’t belive he can also just kick me out but again I’m prepared for that to happen.

Due to this and past reports they taken it more seriously and have said to do dbs check on my current partner and that no my ex can’t come over and remove someone from the property without any genuine concern other than he wants to and it’s his house.

I have no intention of having my bf move in or have regular sleep overs but im not going to live a life I have to ask permission from him and his mum on who I can have a relationship with and be around the children and especially when it’s different for him.

I will be continuing on my plans to move out and the police have now advised I block him on everything and go through his mum and have no drop offs that aren’t done through a third party.

They said I can call the police if he turns up.
That no my ex can not use force that would be assault and if he has concerns they need to go through them.

The stuff he wants me to sign about not being able to have kids with anyone else is also batshit but they said the way he words things is a grey area for them but it looks more like jealously than concern for our children.

@Heregoes1234 You can apply for an Occupational Order which will legally mean he is banned from the property for 30 days regardless of him owning it. Gives you grace and breathing space. The NCDV helpline will apply for a solicitor on your behalf and it will be free via legal aid on the grounds of domestic abuse.

Also, please ignore the myriad posters above saying that you cannot apply to stay until the children are 18, actually you can. Unmarried separated parents can apply under the Children's Act of 1989 section 1 I think? for an agreement to allow it but of course, he has to agree and he absolutely cannot stipulate who else you have visit the property nor when. However once the agreement is in place it is as strong as a tenancy agreement and he categorically cannot change his mind once the agreement is signed.

Schedule 1 of the Children's Act 1989

www.weightmans.com/insights/what-is-schedule-1-children-act-1989-your-questions-answered/

Speak to shelter.

Contact every housing association in your area and tell them you have to leave your home due to domestic abuse, that it’s your ex’s house and you have nowhere to go. Show them the incident number from when you reported him to the police. Contact women’s aid for advice and support.

I think a judge would laugh in his face if he said that you couldn’t have anymore children and expected you to sign such a bizarrely insane demand. Omg, that’s just batshit crazy. I hope you have that in writing.

He does not have to agree - the Court make the Order he just has to comply!
Schedule 1 - Children Act 1989

Your guide to Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 Overview Schedule 1 to the Children Act 1989 enables the court to make financial provision for the benefit of a child. This guide will provide you with an overview of the financial orders the court can make and explain the stages of the court process. Orders The court can make a variety of financial orders including:
● Periodical payments order;
Secured periodical payments order;
● Lump sum order (to include a lump sum to be paid in instalments);
● Settlement of property order;
● Transfer of property order.

Who may apply? Those entitled to apply are set out in paragraph 1 (1) of Schedule 1 and are:
● A parent of a child;
● A guardian or special guardian of a child;
● An adult child;
● Any person named in a child arrangements order as a person with whom the child is to live.

Guide to Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 WM.docx

Cmon now, you know the odds of her being granted that are close to zero.

Yes I know the intentions are good but I really wouldn’t advice pursuing a schedule 1 children’s act 1989 application for housing. It’s rarely granted and will be an expensive, time-consuming legal battle with no guarantee of success.

Courts prefer clean financial breaks, even for unmarried couples. Legal costs can be significant, and the process could take months or years.

The court is not obligated to order housing and may instead award lump sum payments or child maintenance. A non-resident parent could also counter the claim by seeking residence of the children. Judges generally expect both parents to work and secure housing independently.

I would caution moving so quickly with the new partner. I am not saying that to be cruel but you have recently come out of an abusive relationship and might be more vulnerable than you realise.

@Heregoes1234 why were you collecting your kids from his mums house? she doesnt have any rights to see your kids?