Ex wanting to use force to remove bf out of house.

[Heregoes1234]

I have a situation that I am struggling to know where I stand. There was a history of abuse with my ex we weren’t married. But over a year on I live in the home that’s in his name but am the primary care for our children.

I’ve met someone and my ex has been with the person he cheated with since he left for over a year now.

I’ve introduced my partner to our kids slowly over course of six months to him staying over for first time the other night.

My ex was threatening to come over last night and remove him the house with force and due to it being threatening and late evening he left. He was actually over for dinner with no plans to stay the night. I see him once or twice a week and it works out he sees the children twice a month with the sleepover being new.

I know the situation isnt ideal living in a home that’s not in my name but due to current finances and saving up to move out this is how it’s been. He has since torn up the separation agreement to now state the house will not go to me and the children and I can stay here until they move out or 18. My ex is very wealthy and owns several properties. He wanted me to stay in the family home for our children but it’s all changing now I have met someone.

I have logged with the police once when he last came over as was aggressive towards me and the children. Didn’t touch us but threatened us. He had calmed down and all communication since and drop offs are now through his mum and with his mum looking after them in her home every other weekend where he sees them.

I know the answer is to move out and that is my plan. But do I just bend the knee to not having my partner round when I’ve built it up slowly?

Can he legally drag my partner out the house for it simply being his house. He has not lived here since 2023.

I am trying to find out online but I can’t find anything for this situation.

You weren't married, it's his house and there is no agreement, as it wasn't signed and he ripped it up. You were misinformed, you have no right to stay in his house. And asshole as he is, I agree with not wanting an unrelated man in the property he owns and you live rent-free.

Personally I'd be looking at moving out asap. Look, it doesn't matter the reason, he'll always find a stick to beat you with and will dangle the house like a carrot in front of you, threatening to kick you out each and every time you 'misbehave' (in his mind). Could be boyfriend staying over, could be something else. You won't have peace and stability there.

Why do the children stay at his mum's house when he sees them, was that a court order or just an informal agreement. He is an abusive, cheating, aggressive man who you cannot trust. You need formal childcare arrangements, csm and call his bluff by saying you are in a relationship, you accept its his house and understand why he doesn't want men there and so you think it's better for everyone if you move out, he may give you a realistic time frame, if he gets nasty you call the police,ice and women's aid. What are the pr arrangements. You have to stop any informal agreements and formalise everything through the courts now

Tbh I would move regardless of the bf.

You say he’s controlling. That’s not going to change just because you’re not having your bf to stay. If it’s not that it will be something else. And ultimately he owns the house. He could decide to move back in if things didn’t work out with the OW and you wouldn’t be able to do a thing to stop it.

The only way you are going to get away from his control is going to be if you move out to your own place.

Unfortunately not being entitled to any of the house is the price that people pay for not being married. If this document is a legal document you can see a solicitor, but if not you likely don’t have a leg to stand on in terms of being allowed to stay, meaning he could pull the rug out from under you at any time.

Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be proactive.

I'm sorry but I don't think 6 months from introduction to your new bf staying over is slowly at all. I'm shocked that you have even introduced them let alone had him stay over.

As for it being in a house that your ex owns, that's far from ideal. I'm sorry that your ex was abusive but you'd be better off somewhere away from there and him. I hope it all works out for you and the children 💐

Are there no circumstances in which she would have the legal right to remain in the horse until the dc are 18? What about the Kyle Walker situation where he has to provide a home for the mother of his extramarital dc and a shit ton of financial support? If the ex owns a lot of properties, then it might be the case that he has to provide significant financial support for them. It might be cheaper for the ex to have OP and the dc remain in a house he already owns, than paying the rent for OP in a new house. Maybe all this depends on just how much money the ex really has.

We can't say without all the details but I'd advise her not to move out in case that counts as making herself homeless and to get further legal advice. The children are entitled to be financially supported in a lifestyle commensurate to their father's financial position, surely?

I haven’t moved anyone in. My partner has stayed over once and was over for an evening at the time he was threatening to drag him out if he was staying. I have been in a relationship with him for 6 months (known longer) every other weekend seeing him sometimes in the week and as recently he had met the girls ( changed age of one and some details in the post)
I know for some 6 months is too soon to introduce for others it’s not. Some suggest because I’ve had kids that I should wait 18 years. He left near end of 2023 his relationship started straight away as it was an affair. I have had no say on how or any information passed my way on what they do with our children. I am struggling with the coercive control on everything being policed my end.

In the agreement it was clear and fair and he had said many times he was okay with a partner being in the home and if he was to move in I would pay x amount or when I am stable enough financially going back into work the same it had every eventuality etc but he wasn’t fussed now I’m in a relationship and he’s realised it’s serious but more importantly because the children like my partner he has now try to change it all having his ego dented. Which after over a year is difficult to adapt to or know what’s best when your options are limited.

I could of moved out gone into a refuge but I never felt it was bad enough to uproot their life to a new town without their family close by school/preschool lose their dog as can’t take them with. He has hit the kids which at first the school rang me up about and now all sudden they don’t think that’s of concern as he’s now started to collect them every other Friday and he seems ‘lovely’ so I have lost the schools support. Social services were in the loop after the school reported him hitting them but they just gave me a women’s abuse course to go on and it’s not been taken further and I’m too scared to push that as the hitting was a slap on their arm.

I don’t know what is the right thing to do they are used to living in 6 bedroom houses the house we are in is a normal humble home and moving out into a refuge or hostel, bed sit god I don’t know will I regret it now? Will it all be okay can he charm his way into taking the kids if I actually homeless at some point.

The jobs I am working are low pay and do not cover pass the rent and I need deposit but also a car. It was a very controlling relationship that hasn’t seemed to end but had periods of him being nice again where I think okay this arrangement could work or is better than the unknown and upheaval of it all.

The relationship I guess in the bigger picture doesn’t matter but has triggered the e threats and coercion again.

The thing is, you’re in his house; he can pull the rug from you at any point, as you’ve now seen. This isn’t a workable solution.

You need to get onto CMS, UC and move out. Stop worrying about 6 bedroom houses.

He's not reliable, he's not consistent and he is abusive, how did he know your bf was there. Has he got a key to the house, can he just come and go if he wishes. He's a control freak, this won't stop until you move out and find a new life for yourself and the children. Why does he see the kids when it's on record he hit them? We're the police involved, why do they go to his mum's and not his house.

That’s quite a drip feed. Again, if you don’t want this man to have any say in what goes on in your home, you need to move out of his property. You can claim he’s being unreasonable and coercive until you’re blue in the face, but it doesn’t change that fact.

OP, unfortunately he has control, right now in terms of who is allowed on his property.

He’s a controlling arse so you need to prioritize saving up to get you and your DC out to your own place and protecting your DC from any conflict. Agree not to have your boyfriend at the house while the children are there, save up every quid you can until you can afford to move out to your own place. Don’t worry about the size of the house or anything else but having a safe home for your children and yourself in your own name where your ex doesn’t have leverage over you.

@MissMoneyFairy Why do the children stay at his mum's house when he sees them

Probably because the OP still lives in his house!

Wouldn't you get UC top-up including a rent component as a single parent on a low-income? Aren't you eligible for social housing? OK, it's not as simple as being eligible and getting a place, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to stay at the whim of a controlling abusive man through housing. It's not a long-term plan that's going to work.

He owns two other properties he just doesn’t want to look after them by himself and says it’s good for them to see his family when with him.

You were foolish to rock the boat like this. You are living in a house you have no legal claim to. You really should have kept your boyfriend out of it. At the very least until the agreement with your ex had been signed which I hope would have given you tenancy rights. What was the rush? Your ex will always have control over you if you rely on him to house you.

As it’s his house, he can evict you immediately. Just because he’s allowed or said that you can stay in the house until the kids are 18, this isn’t an actual right. You are only entitled to CM from him and if he’s self employed, he will be able to legally reduce the figure right down.

If you want to live in his house for free like you currently do then don’t have your partner round. Stop telling ex details about your relationship because he could evict you if you piss him off. If you want to be truly free of ex then you need to move to your own property so he can’t control what happens in your home.

As for child contact, until the children are 11/12 ish he can ask for 50% tops. From 11/12 ish, it’s up to the girls how much they see you and him. He sounds nasty so could cause you trouble in other ways.

Someone mentioned Lauryn Goodman and in my opinion, Kyle paid up to minimise legal fees and protect his public image. If he didn’t pay then LG would broadcast the details to everyone and deadbeat footballers aren’t going to get the lucrative brand endorsements and jobs after retirement. Pretty shocking that her settlement is public knowledge imo.

What he pays for the house is less then what he would pay by CMS with the amount of time I have them and how much he earns. Which him being self employed and after reading many threads over the years seems like something he could move about to appear much less.

It’s so frustrating to be seen as someone who is fleecing someone for all they have but it’s never seen the same when a women stays at home becomes a stay at home parent whilst they work secure their own future. A yes I was a fool was together since I was teenager and didn’t know what an abusive relationship looked like til I had had children.

I just wanted to know if he had a right to also abuse other people in my life. Because it’s his house. I have said my plan is to move out. It was agreed between us it was in best interests of the children at the house to have the home they grew up in and go to same school/care.

He doesn't have the right to physically put his hands on another person, no. But he does have the right to say who can and can't be in his property.

Of course he doesn't have the right to abuse people in your life. You could report him to the police if he makes threats or follows through on them.

You’re not being seen as fleecing someone for all they’ve got. You are being seen as someone who is daft enough to think they’re entitled to live in their ex- boyfriend’s house for many years, simply because they share children. He’s doing you a favour, and he can impose any conditions he likes. You accept those conditions, or stop accepting the favour.

I wouldn't see it as a favour, but more like an extension of his control. I doubt he had much intention of actually signing anything binding, was probably looking for an excuse to tear it up.

He has several houses

Was the separation agreement a document drawn up by a solicitor? Or is the agreement, merely a document he's drawn up himself, that you were both going to sign? A proper separation agreement needs to be set up by a solicitor, signed by you both and be witnessed. If that wasn't the case, then the document is useless and holds zero standing. The property is in his sole name, you are unmarried, therefore you have no legal right to stay in the property, let alone until the children reach 18. He may have told you he is happy to house you and the children in the property until the youngest reaches 18, and he may have even stipulated this in the agreement. However, that's still only a 'good will' gesture. He's under no legal obligation to do this. Now the agreement has been torn up, and he's decided that he's not happy with your new relationship, and another man coming to the house (hypocritical yes, he can move on, but you can't). Unfortunately, you are in a precarious position, he can, if he wants, ask you to leave or he can dictate who visits the home - it's his home, you are only there due to his 'good will'. In the interim, I would see your boyfriend at his home when your children are with your ex. Save as much as you can, your priority is to move yourself and children out of your exes property. Once you move out into another property, your ex ceases to exert control over your life.

Was drawn up by a solicitor was just a case of us meeting to both sign it which he stalled and now says isn’t happening.

He didn’t have boundaries I have crossed. He didn’t state someone couldn’t t stay over until it happened. He said many times that I could which I realise now was most likely when he had pangs of guilt or as over the moon and in a good mood. I don’t know really how he can flip flop between different expectations. But it has made it hard not to provoke him and I think him threatening to come round has been when I’ve finally cracked and stood my ground a bit not because of my bf but because of his constant punishment for me living I have felt he keeps putting the squeeze on me. I know I have to move out and tomorrow I’ll will get more advice.

I felt more confident with the schools support and initially social services. I’ve had a lot of advice I don’t know what’s right anymore.

You can make an applciation under schedule 1 of the Children Act for an order for you to stay in the property - if he is wealthy and has several properties and is adequately housed himself then you are likely to eb awarded it until the childrn are 18.

What is Schedule 1 Children Act 1989? | Weightmans