Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wanting to use force to remove bf out of house.

131 replies

Heregoes1234 · 16/02/2025 13:00

I have a situation that I am struggling to know where I stand. There was a history of abuse with my ex we weren’t married. But over a year on I live in the home that’s in his name but am the primary care for our children.

I’ve met someone and my ex has been with the person he cheated with since he left for over a year now.

I’ve introduced my partner to our kids slowly over course of six months to him staying over for first time the other night.

My ex was threatening to come over last night and remove him the house with force and due to it being threatening and late evening he left. He was actually over for dinner with no plans to stay the night. I see him once or twice a week and it works out he sees the children twice a month with the sleepover being new.

I know the situation isnt ideal living in a home that’s not in my name but due to current finances and saving up to move out this is how it’s been. He has since torn up the separation agreement to now state the house will not go to me and the children and I can stay here until they move out or 18. My ex is very wealthy and owns several properties. He wanted me to stay in the family home for our children but it’s all changing now I have met someone.

I have logged with the police once when he last came over as was aggressive towards me and the children. Didn’t touch us but threatened us. He had calmed down and all communication since and drop offs are now through his mum and with his mum looking after them in her home every other weekend where he sees them.

I know the answer is to move out and that is my plan. But do I just bend the knee to not having my partner round when I’ve built it up slowly?

Can he legally drag my partner out the house for it simply being his house. He has not lived here since 2023.

I am trying to find out online but I can’t find anything for this situation.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 16/02/2025 16:28

If there is no agreement in place, what makes you think you can stay in this man’s house until your youngest is 18?

Shinynose · 16/02/2025 16:29

I can see why he doesn't want to pay for the house another man is living in. He did much more than he was obliged to when he agreed to let you stay, I think you have to agree to his terms or find a way to support yourself, with him contributing to the children of course and don't let yourself be dependent on a man you're not married to again

Of course he can't be violent, amd yiunshoukd reportt the threats, but he doesn't have to let your new BF live in his house.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 16/02/2025 16:31

I wouldn’t date for a bit. You were in an abusive relationship just over a year ago you say.

Then six months ago you started introducing a new partner to your kids? So when did you meet the new partner? Straight after your ex moved out by the sound of it?

You have an awkward living situation and you want to save up money to move out. So just focus on work, your kids and saving for a bit. Any dates - out of the house and not introducing your kids yet for the love of god!

Blushingm · 16/02/2025 16:31

Heregoes1234 · 16/02/2025 16:24

The agreement was all agreed and about to be signed. But now he wants to change that. I have been told I have a right to be in the home with the children until they are 18.

Our children are preschool age.

I wasn't prioritising a man over my kids. he was never going to stay with my ex threatening.
It is frustrating I cannot move on with my life. My ex had said many times don’t feel like you can’t have anyone over and knew of my partner and the plans of him being introduced slowly. It’s once something has happened he has a change and lashes out.

My ex has not done that with his partner and first time meeting he left them with her for a week and I just accepted we are both parents and our judgement on who can be around our kids isn’t something either one of us can decide or police without any genuine concern.

I’m recently getting back into work and how my ex left was rug sweeping moment I don’t have savings and wanted more security before leaving. I don’t have a plan B or family local that could help. I also don’t want to move in with another partner but I would like to have a life where I can see people without it being policed.

In the agreement that was about to be signed by us it stated every scenario and it was very amicable and fair. It covered future relationships both side but he is not happy with this being mutual in real life.

Who told you you have the right to the home til they're 18?

It's his house - not yours why should you get to live there (I'm assuming rent free?) til the children turn 18?

You need to move out and rent your own house

MissMoneyFairy · 16/02/2025 16:32

There is no formal agreement in place. You can police who is around your children with his abuse and threatening behaviour. You need formal childcare and housing arrangements, you need to speak with a family solicitor.

Dotty87 · 16/02/2025 16:32

If you weren't married, you don't have the right to stay in the house at all, I'm not sure where that idea has come from.

You're only there now because of his goodwill, and so if you want to keep him onside then yes, stop the boyfriend coming over.

Otherwise I would start looking for somewhere else to live.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/02/2025 16:36

Someone's definitely given you very outdated info in terms of being able to stay till the kids are 18, particularly as it's solely his house. While it would be great for him to provide a home for them, it seems like that's not going to happen. If you get your own place, he'll have no right to comment on who visits.

Onceachunkymonkey · 16/02/2025 16:38

I have been told I have a right to be in the home with the children until they are 18

by whom? You’re unlikely to even get that right if you had been married never mind not. Someone has given you bad advice.

you need to move out. No he can’t drag him out, but he can evict you, you’ve no right to his house.

Narcissisticflipflop · 16/02/2025 16:39

Did u say ur ex left ur kids with his new partner for a week and she’d only met them once?!
what the actual hell? Why didn’t u go round and take them back?? I’ve read some crazy shite on here but that tops it

PickAChew · 16/02/2025 16:40

I would honestly free yourself of him having any say in who you see a d where by finding your own place to live. You don't mention maintenance but claim that through the CMS because it's for the children. You're better off skint and free of him than in your current home.

ThejoyofNC · 16/02/2025 16:43

Did you seriously expect over a decade of living rent free?

Completelyjo · 16/02/2025 16:44

I have been told I have a right to be in the home with the children until they are 18.

By who?? No solicitor would advise you that you would be allow to remain in his house for the next 15 years!! You weren’t even married, he’s under no obligation to allow you to continue to live there so it’s merely good will. I don’t think acting like it’s a long term option or having a partner stay over in that house is really appropriate.

Onceachunkymonkey · 16/02/2025 16:44

I’m surprised too op,that you actually thought that if you had a kid with a man, and split up, and you remain as primary carer of the kids, he has to give you a house, that’s the maddest thing I’ve ever heard.

FKAT · 16/02/2025 16:50

lnks · 16/02/2025 14:13

You ex sounds awful and he has no right to lay hands on your bf.

However, the house is solely in his name and you are not married. Consequently, you have no legal right to stay in the home.

This.

Your ex will always control and abuse you as long as you live in his house. I can't believe you think that living there for the next 15 years+ is sustainable.

Shag your BF at his house and in the meantime find another place to live for you & kids.

Livinghappy · 16/02/2025 16:50

Sorry Op, if you were not married and didn't contribute to the mortgage or deposit, I can't see how you have a "right" to stay there until the DC are 18.

The law doesn't protect non married partners even if they have children.

If staying is really important to you then I suggest you have to placate your ex until an agreement is signed. I imagine you won't get the same deal as before however. Why is he objecting to your boyfriend?

What you are entitled to is CSA and obviously any benefits that you maybe able to claim.

It's a pretty awful situation for you but that's the reality of not being married.

CantHoldMeDown · 16/02/2025 16:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Onceachunkymonkey · 16/02/2025 16:52

Livinghappy · 16/02/2025 16:50

Sorry Op, if you were not married and didn't contribute to the mortgage or deposit, I can't see how you have a "right" to stay there until the DC are 18.

The law doesn't protect non married partners even if they have children.

If staying is really important to you then I suggest you have to placate your ex until an agreement is signed. I imagine you won't get the same deal as before however. Why is he objecting to your boyfriend?

What you are entitled to is CSA and obviously any benefits that you maybe able to claim.

It's a pretty awful situation for you but that's the reality of not being married.

He’s objecting to her having a bloke round for a shag when his kids are there in his house.

the op needs to move out.

IhaveanewTVnow · 16/02/2025 16:55

If it was the other way round and it was my house and my ex lived there I would not want another adult living there at all playing happy families. It is his house. OP you need to play ball and stop having the bf to stay.

Lughnasa23 · 16/02/2025 17:02

OP, I think you need some legal advice. Either you stay in the house without any male visitors for the next 15-16 years or you and your children are officially made homeless by their father and you go on a list for local authority accommodation/a private rented house. You will be accommodated somewhere with preschool children. It’s 2025, not 1955.

Coconutter24 · 16/02/2025 17:04

Who pays the mortgage on the house? Does ex pay it or do you pay him rent?

Hdjdb42 · 16/02/2025 17:05

He can tell him to leave because it's his house. You don't own it. If I were you, I'd rung womens refuge and ask their advice. It's better to.move into your own place, where he can no longer control you.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/02/2025 17:06

I don’t know who has told you you have any right to live there until your kids are 18 but they are completely wrong OP.

You weren’t married and even if you were you’d be unlikely to be allowed to stay in a home until the kids were 18, you absolutely don’t have that right as unmarried.

mitogoshigg · 16/02/2025 17:10

The issue is that you have no right to stay there until your dc are 18, whoever told you that was telling you something not true. Some people do negotiate or get awarded mesher orders by the court but these days they are fairly rare and typically awarded when dc are older doing their exams and/or unusual circumstances eg house fully adapted for disabilities in my friends's case.

If you were married you really need to go to mediation and sort out a clean break, splitting the assets, if you were never married and you aren't on the deeds then you need to agree a timetable to move out

Savemefromwetdog · 16/02/2025 17:12

category12 · 16/02/2025 16:26

Who told you you have a right to be in the home until the kids are 18?

This - who spreads this nonsense?

Gettingbysomehow · 16/02/2025 17:13

Sorry but if my ex husband was living in my house which is only in my name with DS I wouldn't tolerate that either.
How on earth did you allow this situation to continue?
You should have separated completely when you broke up and started your own life elsewhere. Then you can do what you want.
Do you pay him rent?
You cannot allow an aggressive and controlling man to have power over you by living in his house. It's time to move on.