Sorry, long one… I’m just really upset today.
i was in what I thought was a happy marriage and relationship of 7 years, with a young toddler. Still in absolute love with my husband, almost to co-dependency as (long story short) he was the one person I truly believed really loved me for who I am. He was my rock and best friend, and my SIL would joke that he wouldn’t cheat on me even if I paid him to.
One day, he was in another city (where we used to live) for a work trip - a normal event. He messaged me and said he’d bumped into one of my old friends on the street whilst walking with a colleague, and had a chat. All fine and dandy.
30 minutes later, my friend called me to tell me that she’d seen my husband in the street - and was convinced that he was holding hands with another woman, or walking inappropriately close to her. She said she followed behind them for about 2 minutes and couldn’t say for sure they were holding hands but they were close, and that when she approached them and greeted my husband, this woman shot off without saying anything. She found that very shifty. She said my husband seemed happy to see her and they had a normal and nice conversation, and then they parted ways. She said that she saw my husband down the next street and the other woman had rejoined him and they were now walking normally.
I called him immediately to find out who this colleague was, as I do know some of his team. He flat out denied that they had been holding hands and said my friend was wrong, there was nothing inappropriate going on and not to worry. He had just gone out with an ex colleague for a walk. When I pressed him on why I didn’t even know this colleague, he said she was just someone he had ‘a bond’ with, but that we’d talk more when we got home. He then had to leave as he was talking at a conference. I called and called him but he didn’t answer as he said it was best to have this talk face to face.
After two days from hell, he came back and we spoke. It finally came out that he was unhappy in our marriage, and this woman that I knew nothing about had been his emotional crutch for 4 YEARS (since we got married). He said he got empathy and warmth that he did not get from me, and he discussed his feelings about our marriage with her, as did she with him. This woman was older than us but very attractive, also married and with children. He said that their relationship was purely of friendship, and that they checked in with each other every 6-10 weeks via email and met up whenever he was in our old city for a midday walk where they vented to each other about life in general. But that there had never been anything physical or romantic at all. He hasn’t told me about her because it felt weird, and he acknowledged that wasn’t right.
I had a full blown panic attack and threw up. Didn’t sleep or eat for days, my life was crushed. While I understood his reasoning (empathy and warmth had taken a back seat after we had our child), I couldn’t comprehend that he’d go to someone else for something he should get from a marriage.
He said he wanted to work on our marriage. He sent her an email to break it all off, and we have implemented a lot of things to improve our relationship. He communicates better with me and I’m working on my empathy. After being made redundant in 2024, buying a house the other side of the country, and now this, I started therapy and antidepressants, as I didn’t want to live anymore. He was the one person in this world I trusted - and not even he could love me, it felt like.
It’s now 3 months on. This week it feels like it’s been getting to me a lot, and tonight I can’t stop thinking that I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t know if this can work, even though we’ve both been doing so much to turn it around. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget.
I also don’t know… is this cheating? Or am I catastrophising? He accepts that I view it as cheating as he would feel the same, but he said she just happened to be a woman but he could have got this support from another male and it all would have been fine.
I will never know what really happened or if my friend saw what she thinks she did. She seemed to find some pleasure in bringing it up time and time again during the weeks after, so I don’t know if she got some twisted feeling from doing so, as my relationship always seemed so great and stable. So not sure if she thought she saw something and just relished seeing me in pain from it.
Has anyone had experiences with emotional affairs? Especially positive ones. I just do t know if that feeling of absolute love will ever come back or if I even need it to make this a success. Some days it’s clear that he’s a good guy with bad communication that made a stupid mistake he will never repeat after seeing the pain he caused me. Other days I wonder if I’m stupid and naive and there was much more going on.
I have so much resentment towards him for blowing up what was a seemingly great life instead of just coming to be to say it. But I appreciate that he felt like he couldn’t.
What a mess.