Husband had emotional affair - help

[Thoughtsfordays]

Sorry, long one… I’m just really upset today.
i was in what I thought was a happy marriage and relationship of 7 years, with a young toddler. Still in absolute love with my husband, almost to co-dependency as (long story short) he was the one person I truly believed really loved me for who I am. He was my rock and best friend, and my SIL would joke that he wouldn’t cheat on me even if I paid him to.
One day, he was in another city (where we used to live) for a work trip - a normal event. He messaged me and said he’d bumped into one of my old friends on the street whilst walking with a colleague, and had a chat. All fine and dandy.
30 minutes later, my friend called me to tell me that she’d seen my husband in the street - and was convinced that he was holding hands with another woman, or walking inappropriately close to her. She said she followed behind them for about 2 minutes and couldn’t say for sure they were holding hands but they were close, and that when she approached them and greeted my husband, this woman shot off without saying anything. She found that very shifty. She said my husband seemed happy to see her and they had a normal and nice conversation, and then they parted ways. She said that she saw my husband down the next street and the other woman had rejoined him and they were now walking normally.
I called him immediately to find out who this colleague was, as I do know some of his team. He flat out denied that they had been holding hands and said my friend was wrong, there was nothing inappropriate going on and not to worry. He had just gone out with an ex colleague for a walk. When I pressed him on why I didn’t even know this colleague, he said she was just someone he had ‘a bond’ with, but that we’d talk more when we got home. He then had to leave as he was talking at a conference. I called and called him but he didn’t answer as he said it was best to have this talk face to face.
After two days from hell, he came back and we spoke. It finally came out that he was unhappy in our marriage, and this woman that I knew nothing about had been his emotional crutch for 4 YEARS (since we got married). He said he got empathy and warmth that he did not get from me, and he discussed his feelings about our marriage with her, as did she with him. This woman was older than us but very attractive, also married and with children. He said that their relationship was purely of friendship, and that they checked in with each other every 6-10 weeks via email and met up whenever he was in our old city for a midday walk where they vented to each other about life in general. But that there had never been anything physical or romantic at all. He hasn’t told me about her because it felt weird, and he acknowledged that wasn’t right.
I had a full blown panic attack and threw up. Didn’t sleep or eat for days, my life was crushed. While I understood his reasoning (empathy and warmth had taken a back seat after we had our child), I couldn’t comprehend that he’d go to someone else for something he should get from a marriage.
He said he wanted to work on our marriage. He sent her an email to break it all off, and we have implemented a lot of things to improve our relationship. He communicates better with me and I’m working on my empathy. After being made redundant in 2024, buying a house the other side of the country, and now this, I started therapy and antidepressants, as I didn’t want to live anymore. He was the one person in this world I trusted - and not even he could love me, it felt like.
It’s now 3 months on. This week it feels like it’s been getting to me a lot, and tonight I can’t stop thinking that I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t know if this can work, even though we’ve both been doing so much to turn it around. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget.
I also don’t know… is this cheating? Or am I catastrophising? He accepts that I view it as cheating as he would feel the same, but he said she just happened to be a woman but he could have got this support from another male and it all would have been fine.
I will never know what really happened or if my friend saw what she thinks she did. She seemed to find some pleasure in bringing it up time and time again during the weeks after, so I don’t know if she got some twisted feeling from doing so, as my relationship always seemed so great and stable. So not sure if she thought she saw something and just relished seeing me in pain from it.
Has anyone had experiences with emotional affairs? Especially positive ones. I just do t know if that feeling of absolute love will ever come back or if I even need it to make this a success. Some days it’s clear that he’s a good guy with bad communication that made a stupid mistake he will never repeat after seeing the pain he caused me. Other days I wonder if I’m stupid and naive and there was much more going on.
I have so much resentment towards him for blowing up what was a seemingly great life instead of just coming to be to say it. But I appreciate that he felt like he couldn’t.
What a mess.

met up whenever he was in our old city for a midday walk

Nope.

An emotional affair is just as bad as a sexual affair. Personally I would find an emotional affair much harder to forgive. Your husband knew he betrayed you, as he hid this from you for many years. I would take some time to think about yourself and what you want. Could you trust him again? Are you going to get your heart shattered again? Remember that past behavior is a good predictor of the future behavior.

My partner had an emotional affair with a coworker although he would never admit it now still doesn’t see it as a problem. They were messaging , going on dates, even planned to move in together. He was telling her problems we were having and making me look and sound terrible. I have spoken to this person multiple times too she’s also lied to me loads. I was pregnant after a loss at the time and my mental health was terrible and do you know what his excuse was? Because I wasn’t giving him enough attention and he couldn’t deal with my mental health. This was in 2023, they still work together and I don’t know if they still talk. Me and him are still together but it’s hard, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong as nothing physical happened. I wish I had the strength to walk I really do. You might be a stronger person then me and your partner might be a better man then mine, but for me it hasn’t got better. Maybe it
would if he got a new job, but he refuses to. It’s always our fault never theirs, if your gonna stay just remember to know your worth xxxx

The problem with an emotional fear is that they become the most important person in someone's life. He did that as a time when you had a new baby and he chose to invest his time and energy into someone else who was nothing to do with your family.

I think it's gaslighting for him to suggest that your friend didn't see what she knew she saw. I would believe her over him there. He is trying to save his own skin.

Yes he could've talked to a man but he didn't did he? Interesting that he didn't talk to a much older woman either. In my opinion, and I have been through very similar although it was a physical affair, I think he's been cheating for four years . Even if they didn't go to bed together, they might as well have.

This is absolutely the worst case of 'emotional affair' I've ever come across, and I've come across a fair few. Plus he is gaslighting you that this was not an affair. He was planning to move in with her?? what the hell? How does he explain that?

With love, why are you still with the person who has hurt you beyond belief? Every day with him you are reliving the trauma of his betrayal and he still works with her. Please don't waste any more of your one precious life with him.

@Thoughtsfordays You sound like you're in anguish and no wonder. Four years and lots of meetups. No, sorry, that's not forgivable and I wouldn't believe that it was just emotional either. I'm so sorry, what you've been through is horrendous. He had an affair because he wanted empathy and warm. What about you, and your needs for warmth and empathy when you were newly married and had had a baby?

I know it still hurts trust me. My last pregnancy is a trigger and now every pregnancy announcement triggers me. He wasn’t with me when I gave birth, and then he didn’t talk to me for 3 days (we live together) blamed it on his depression but I found out he was talking to her. If I ask him now he says it was all her he never made her feel like she had a chance. Course not lol. We’re not great at the moment because he can’t deal with ‘my paranoia’ well that’s what happens when you mess up pal. This isn’t the first female he’s spoke to behind my
back, but as far as I’m aware it’s the first EA. Don’t I’m planning on going, but I’m not strong enough yet. I keep getting told one day I will wake up and hate him, and that day can’t come quick enough

I couldn’t come back from that even though I do have some insight sadly.
Tell him unannounced that you want to believe him and need a favour … for him to phone her with the call on speaker so you can listen. Obviously he can’t tell her you’re listening. Her response will be very telling. Unannounced requests to look at his phone, because you need to rebuild trust. The paranoia needs quelling, that is his job. Good luck.
if he wants to cheat he will…. It’s extremely exhausting trying to keep up and catch him out.. in the end time will trip him up if he’s still at it.

He kept it from you for a reason op. How much digging have you done? Have you seen these emails that they sent “every 6-10 weeks”? I smell bullshit.

Oh OP. I suspect them meeting up for a ‘midday walk’ was much, much more than that. I think he’s probably lying. I’m really sorry.

If what your husband has told you is true then he is just close friends with this woman and you are catastrophising. I don't personally believe in the concept of emotional affairs and think it's thrown around far too frequently, mainly on MN. I wouldn't consider what he did as cheating myself, however I'd find it odd that my husband had such a great female friend that I knew nothing about.

I spect what your husband has told you is complete BS. A friend of yours saw them together from across a street and thought it looked 'off'. That really says all you need to know.

He's minimised and blamed you for his actions. All this at a time when you were at your most vulnerable through pregnancy, childbirth and baby years. What an utter prick.

I would not believe his story - meeting up for a walk and a chat every 6-10 weeks.... come on now.

Only you can decide how you want to go forward but you are right to question your feelings for him, this is normal after a huge betrayal.

You deserve better!

@Thoughtsfordays I’d be surprised that this is simply an emotional affair . Do you have family or many friends ? Is your whole world your husband ? What’s your back up plan in the event of affairs or abuse in your marriage ?

@Theycallmemama your story is utterly horrific. I’m so so sorry that you’ve been and are going through that, and my heart goes out to you. I fully understand how it’s hard to leave - I’m in a privileged position that I’m the breadwinner, and could easily sustain myself and our toddler solo. However, it’s not as simple as that, is it? You don’t want to be a broken family. You don’t want to age to share the time with your child with someone else. We’ve also literally just bought our dream home together less than 9 months ago, and the thought of having to split that up and sell it makes me balk.

@Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged I did ask him to show me the emails (after I’d gone through his inbox and found nothing). He said he’d always deleted them as they were personal and he didn’t want them in his work email. This sounds odd but he works in a line of work where I know he double-deletes a lot of emails.

@Allmychickenscometoroost thank you for your empathetic reply. I don’t even know if to call it an affair per se - it may have just been like friends chatting? Like he says? I will never know though. That’s the part I need to focus on rather than trying to find it what happened because I never will know with certainty. The fact that my ‘friend’ seemed to relish in it so much kind of made me think she was happy to watch me in pain. She said she couldn’t be 100% sure that they were holding hands or arm in arm.

Since then, he’s shown extreme remorse. I do believe that nothing more happened, I do believe he takes responsibility and I believe she’s really trying to communicate more with me as he should with a wife. I’ve been doing loads on my side too - it wasn’t gaslighting as I do see why my lack of empathy would be a big problem. The issue is that he never told me, and that’s a communication thing. He was extremely shocked when I had a full blown panic attack that night and said that my reaction told me everything he needed to know in that I did care about him.
What I really need to know from here is when it’s not entirely clear what happened, does it get better for someone? Did it work out in your relationship? Did the undying love come back?

Yes why did he need to keep his connection with this woman a secret if there was not something to be secretive about?

He will have definitely minimised what has happened in his relationship with her.

But actually even what he has admitted to is a terrible betrayal of your relationship with him.

I don't see how you can ever trust him because the marriage you thought you had did not exist

Sorry OP - deleting emails, lying, keeping secrets. The trust would be gone for me and I hate to say it but I’m sure there is a lot more to the story than he is admitting. With a pregnancy/young baby, that is unforgivable.

A few years ago similar happened to me. He made out they just got too close. He deleted stuff too. Two more years went by and I find out they never really cut it off. He left abruptly one day and is with her now.

Honestly once the trust is broken that it. It wasn’t a one night stand in a state of not functioning rationally. This is a full blown affair it was hidden from you. Sex or not and I really doubt they just met up for a walk…
4 years is unforgivable. If there was nothing to hide he would introduced you two.

It was a secret relationship and he’s sorry he’s got caught. He wasn’t going to tell you.
And that’s what you need to know. You can’t trust him, been there and it’s so much worse the second time around.

Affairs start when often two people complain about their partners. Then they share with one another until a ‘bonds’ made. So it’s not just the betrayal, lies and secrecy that hurts me down the line it’s the times they would of made out everything is fine, sleeping with you but messaging there distain of you or/and your relationship.

@Optimist2020 I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never know what it was. I do think it is - I really can’t see how it would be more. Some of my friends actually report into him in that city and would report if anything strange were happening. He works from home as do I. There’s just no chance for anything, we spend most of our time together. But obviously trying not to be naïve. He did say that he fully understands why I would see it this way as it’s a woman but could just as easily have been a man.
indeed, I don’t have friends or family (other than my toddler) for a number of reasons included traumatic childhood, and having moved countries many times. He was my absolute world, I adored him and marvelled that I’d found such a kind loving soul that I could trust with everything. That’s the part that hurts the most, having lost that certainty and knowing I’ll never get that back. But not sure if that was love or codependency (working on it in therapy) and if I need that feeling back again or not.

So just plodding on in the meantime, working on myself and waiting to see if time makes a difference.

Yup the classic stage of denial. I had that after the panic attacks and being sick. I really wish you’re right. My ex also came home every night but they found ways to meet up and shag in the day.

You only have to read the threads on here to see the same. Sorry to be pessimistic.

I doubt your friend even if she had found some sick twisted joy in your perceived perfect relationship would be ballzy enough to call you up saying he saw them holding hands. Her running off and rejoining him
says it all.

@thiscantbemylife I can’t even imagine. Well, maybe I can. My view is that I can’t catastrophise here as I really don’t have proof that this is what was happening or not. It’s physically quite hard as we work from the same house and are together all day - he goes to this city twice a year for a couple of days and I can track him on his phone (plus he works with some of my friends in his team and I know he’s there).

I probably never will know what happened or didn’t, as he would never say, and I wasn’t there. So dissolving my marriage on the track record and historic performance of others is what would bother me.

I’m obviously on high alert and have given this much thought over the last 3 months, of course. I don’t know about my friend… she just went on and on about it so much from every angle. I greatly appreciate her telling me, of course, and it does bother me that I’d never have found out otherwise.

What your friend saw must have made a deep impression on her.

Probably if you had seen your H with this other woman in the way she did then you would also have seen the intimacy between them that she obviously did.

It sounds as though she is trying to get you to realise the inappropriateness of the behaviour she saw.

I don't think it'll ever be the same again because you can't really break something and then put it back together without seeing the cracks. Some people do go on to be happy together again and rebuild trust.

It's only been a couple of months, I don't think you can possibly know if you can get past this or not, yet.

I think that he did this for 4 years is the real kicker. That's more than half your marriage.

OP, from your responses it’s clear that you’re desperately trying to protect yourself from the pain of this. Completely understandable. But I fear it’s a fog that isn’t making you see clearly.

I don’t believe for a flying second that he didn’t sleep with this woman. You say he has no opportunity, but he’s literally told you that he meets up with her whenever he’s away in the city. Sorry, but men don’t meet up on the sly with women they are emailing and deleting correspondence with for afternoon walks. They just don’t.

He’s started the script (‘I love you but I’m not in love with you you / I’ve been unhappy for years / I needed support that you didn’t provide me’) and he’s started the trickle truth (‘It was only walks / we only emailed every 6-10 weeks’) – tale as old as time.

I’m not some cynical, betrayed woman. Never been cheated on or cheated in my life. Been treated decently by men, so I’m not out to get your husband by proxy. But I do know all the above is just the way it goes when this same old story rears its head.

Very painfully, he is not the exception, he is the rule.

You seem emotionally vulnerable and overly dependent on him. I would start with therapy for yourself to build your self worth and resilience and also squirrel away money to get yourself in a stronger position. Do you work?

This happened to me and we lasted 2 years. I could never trust him again. I always wondered if he was seeing her and what was in his head. There had been messages between them so I knew there'd been feelings. I'm glad it happened now because it was the catalyst we needed to move on. At that time I was scared and didn't know what to do so I thought to work through it. I'm glad I tried but I'm in a better place now.

He was my absolute world, I adored him and marvelled that I’d found such a kind loving soul that I could trust with everything

I rather suspect he is rewriting the truth when he said you gave him no empathy and warmth. For fuck’s sake, they’re all the same. Absolute losers.

@Thoughtsfordays, I’m sorry for the pain that your H has inflicted by cheating and abusing your trust for 4 years. It sounds like his betrayal has spanned your marriage, pregnancy, and the heavy lifting of parenting.

I believe there is much more to this and that you are being gaslighted.

My take:
H got in there first for damage control, as he wasn’t sure what your Friend had actually witnessed. Plus, he knew that OW’s behavior was suspicious, hence his being cool and upbeat with Friend and reporting their visit to you asap.

Friend observed H and OW’s change in body language, before and after being rumbled. For 2 minutes she watched them behaving like a couple who were holding hands or walking very closely. When she greeted H, OW suddenly bolted with no introduction — very strange behavior if she is indeed his platonic good friend. During Friend’s subsequent sighting of them, they were walking in a normal manner in case she was still around.

After you confronted H, deeply unsettled, he put you off for 2 days. I assume that he was creating his narrative [the Script] and getting his story straight with OW.

He later admitted building a 4 year intimate connection with OW, a woman you’d never even heard of. He is now rewriting history to justify and shift the blame for his infidelity to you, which is highly manipulative and is clearly bullshit, as he has never expressed unhappiness. Newsflash: You are not responsible for his choice to cheat. He is responsible for failing to protect his fidelity. If he did have issues, he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with them — keeping you in the dark and investing in an emotional affair were not among them. Indeed, he chose to secretly open a window to OW and pour his energy into her for mutual gratification, while duping you and damaging your connection.

In my view, this man is a sneaky cake eater who has been leading a long-term double life. After 4 years, it is highly likely that he and OW have been physically involved. Your Friend witnessed their intimate body language in public, so it stands to reason that more has occurred in private. Even if their relationship has stayed in the emotional realm, this is still a monumental betrayal. His blaming you shows a lack of true remorse, which can lead to a false reconciliation.

@Thoughtsfordays, you would be foolish to devalue your Friend’s account. She was clearly disturbed by their inappropriate behavior. If she wanted to exaggerate or shit-stir, surely she would have lied that H seemed nervous and shifty upon seeing her. I believe her report is accurate.

H is lying about the extent and true nature of this illicit relationship. I don’t believe that you have the full story, and until you do, it will be impossible to move forward with H. I would be very concerned that he and OW have gone underground. Have you actually seen all of their messages and do you now have open access to his phone?