Husband had emotional affair - help

[Thoughtsfordays]

Sorry, long one… I’m just really upset today.
i was in what I thought was a happy marriage and relationship of 7 years, with a young toddler. Still in absolute love with my husband, almost to co-dependency as (long story short) he was the one person I truly believed really loved me for who I am. He was my rock and best friend, and my SIL would joke that he wouldn’t cheat on me even if I paid him to.
One day, he was in another city (where we used to live) for a work trip - a normal event. He messaged me and said he’d bumped into one of my old friends on the street whilst walking with a colleague, and had a chat. All fine and dandy.
30 minutes later, my friend called me to tell me that she’d seen my husband in the street - and was convinced that he was holding hands with another woman, or walking inappropriately close to her. She said she followed behind them for about 2 minutes and couldn’t say for sure they were holding hands but they were close, and that when she approached them and greeted my husband, this woman shot off without saying anything. She found that very shifty. She said my husband seemed happy to see her and they had a normal and nice conversation, and then they parted ways. She said that she saw my husband down the next street and the other woman had rejoined him and they were now walking normally.
I called him immediately to find out who this colleague was, as I do know some of his team. He flat out denied that they had been holding hands and said my friend was wrong, there was nothing inappropriate going on and not to worry. He had just gone out with an ex colleague for a walk. When I pressed him on why I didn’t even know this colleague, he said she was just someone he had ‘a bond’ with, but that we’d talk more when we got home. He then had to leave as he was talking at a conference. I called and called him but he didn’t answer as he said it was best to have this talk face to face.
After two days from hell, he came back and we spoke. It finally came out that he was unhappy in our marriage, and this woman that I knew nothing about had been his emotional crutch for 4 YEARS (since we got married). He said he got empathy and warmth that he did not get from me, and he discussed his feelings about our marriage with her, as did she with him. This woman was older than us but very attractive, also married and with children. He said that their relationship was purely of friendship, and that they checked in with each other every 6-10 weeks via email and met up whenever he was in our old city for a midday walk where they vented to each other about life in general. But that there had never been anything physical or romantic at all. He hasn’t told me about her because it felt weird, and he acknowledged that wasn’t right.
I had a full blown panic attack and threw up. Didn’t sleep or eat for days, my life was crushed. While I understood his reasoning (empathy and warmth had taken a back seat after we had our child), I couldn’t comprehend that he’d go to someone else for something he should get from a marriage.
He said he wanted to work on our marriage. He sent her an email to break it all off, and we have implemented a lot of things to improve our relationship. He communicates better with me and I’m working on my empathy. After being made redundant in 2024, buying a house the other side of the country, and now this, I started therapy and antidepressants, as I didn’t want to live anymore. He was the one person in this world I trusted - and not even he could love me, it felt like.
It’s now 3 months on. This week it feels like it’s been getting to me a lot, and tonight I can’t stop thinking that I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t know if this can work, even though we’ve both been doing so much to turn it around. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget.
I also don’t know… is this cheating? Or am I catastrophising? He accepts that I view it as cheating as he would feel the same, but he said she just happened to be a woman but he could have got this support from another male and it all would have been fine.
I will never know what really happened or if my friend saw what she thinks she did. She seemed to find some pleasure in bringing it up time and time again during the weeks after, so I don’t know if she got some twisted feeling from doing so, as my relationship always seemed so great and stable. So not sure if she thought she saw something and just relished seeing me in pain from it.
Has anyone had experiences with emotional affairs? Especially positive ones. I just do t know if that feeling of absolute love will ever come back or if I even need it to make this a success. Some days it’s clear that he’s a good guy with bad communication that made a stupid mistake he will never repeat after seeing the pain he caused me. Other days I wonder if I’m stupid and naive and there was much more going on.
I have so much resentment towards him for blowing up what was a seemingly great life instead of just coming to be to say it. But I appreciate that he felt like he couldn’t.
What a mess.

Sounds like you have accepted everything so I’m not sure what you want from this post.

Not wanting to split hairs, but there's no evidence because he's deleted it. You may as well just say 'I don't care what he's done - I've decided to ignore it and stay with him'

@bigboykitty @northernlight20 as per my original post:
’Has anyone had experiences with emotional affairs? Especially positive ones. I just do t know if that feeling of absolute love will ever come back or if I even need it to make this a success.’

How recently did you move from said city? Is it in the last year or so or more than 4 years ago?

No , I don’t. There’s nothing positive about being disrespected in a relationship be it emotional or physical. Once you have forgiven being disrespected once, in my experience they usually do it again because they know they can.

Why is the only thing that bothers you is that you didn't know about her? You say you don't care if it's physical, you don't care if he was venting about you to her and you don't care about her being a friend. So I'm not quite sure what about the situation is actually bothering you. Sounds like you're quite happy with it really, which is good

To be honest, I don't think it matters if you call it cheating or not, whether they slept together or not. The biggest issue here is the secrecy, I don't know how you'd ever trust him again. It almost doesn't matter what they did or didn't do - he had a close friendship which was a support to him that you knew nothing about from the inception of your marriage for an entire 4 years and if your friend hadn't seen them together I presume they would still be carrying on to this day,
His reaction when you found out - 2 days of ignoring you also, appalling treatment.
And finally, not telling you he wasn't happy in your marriage and needing this to be uncovered before he'd 'confess'.

Your marriage is literally based on lies, there is no trust from him either because he's been cheating or because he's afraid to share things with you. And you feel so unsettled because you cannot trust him.

Talking about your marriage behind your back is a form of betrayal but it's not emotional affair. Would you be saying he had an affair if he got close and confined in male friend? If he's telling the truth then there was no romantic feelings or intentions and no flirting.

Of course it's possible that he is lying. If he did have an affair he probably would not want you to know the truth. Unfortunately there is no way to find out and no one on this thread knows any better then you.

@Thoughtsfordays I agree that men and women can be friends without any sexual intent. Not everyone is powered by their loins!
The problem you have comes down to trust. You knew him and you knew he wouldn’t keep secrets from you. But now you’ve found that he has. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. But that discovery destroys the trust and makes you question your entire relationship. Who actually IS he?
Frankly, a load of strangers on the internet don’t know. Yes, we can talk about our own experiences (and I have to admit most of mine suggest a lot of men in this situation would lie through their teeth) but, we don’t know him and we don’t know you.
You have to be able to live with him and more importantly, yourself, moving forward.
Take some time to decide what you really want. Remove any fear from the equation. What is going to make you happy? Prioritise yourself. You will find the answer x

Men are powered by their loins. Don't be naive.

My positive was moving on and finding someone who respects and adores me. I learnt how strong I was.

You really need to get a grip I've been married 48 years. You seem to be a kind decent person. Delete messages....I bet he does. Only an emotional affair ....betrayed either way. What's she getting out of it? Wasn't holding hands....your friend knew what it looked like and it was. Men always look

When opportunity presents. Whether they take it or not is another Matter. Find a good man give yourself the opportunity to find real love this is not it

Omg. Why are you still with him ??

Oh Op. They all say the same crap and try to blame you and there you go he can use the antidepressants for that the pig.

He 110% had a physical affair with this woman. He wouldn't go all the way to where you used to live just for a chat.

You sound so intelligent in your first post. You will spend your life worrying about him and now because he got away with it, he will do it again. Happens EVERY time.

Please leave and rebuild your life. You will meet someone so much better. Even if alone forever, you deserve peace and not worrying for the rest of your life.

You had just got married and had a baby.. that's meant to be the happiest time of your life and he had an affair. What will he do in 5 years time ? 10 years ?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years ? He's gone away with work and you're at home worried about him still... Leave girl xx

I don’t think that feeling ever does come back once it’s gone. Love and devotion are a bit separate in my experience.
I loved my first husband but I love and am devoted to my now husband. That feeling is based on absolute trust and safety. I believe him when he tells me I am the only woman in the world, I trust him with my whole heart, when I am vulnerable and with my whole self. If he took that from me, from us then I could not forgive him. Maybe I could still love him, but feeling like he was the ultimate safe place would always be gone. You need to decide if what’s left would be enough to be happy again, even if it’s never the same. It would not be for me, as it would always suffer by comparison against what I thought we had.

OP you are being naive and protecting your feelings. He does fall into that category. He did have an affair. He did have a physical affair. Wake up and smell the roses. You don't love him anymore because your head knows he cheated but your heart hasn't caught up yet.

I'd say he's drawing the back of his hand accross his forehead and doing a low whistle at the near miss he's just had, and scrabbling like mad to buy himself a bit more time while he works out what to do next, like he bought himself two days of thinking time before he had to talk to you about what he'd been caught out at.

Meanwhile you're turning yourself inside out to be more empathetic.

Friends are healthy. Secret friends, who exit stage right when spotted who's emails have to be deleted are not healthy.

It's shit, it's really shit and there are no happy stories about affairs, emotional or otherwise because they involve a massive break down of trust and respect, and cause huge damage. People do manage to stay together but you have to accept that you will probably never know the truth, and be ok with that, and that you will both have to be willing to re draw the terms of your relationship. There is no going back, only forward into a new state where the shine has absolutely worn off the person you once were devoted to without question. That question may never go away and you're probably never going to feel about him like you did. At best. At worst you'll want him under the patio, but if you want to give it a crack I'd say you need an excellent couples therapist and 110% sustained effort and no excuses or ego driven bullshit from him. Good luck.

Wow, without wishing to labour the point, please read and re-read @MsDogLady post. It is the perfect summary of what has happened, I believe, and is sound advice.

OP, I think that you might be imposing a negative motivation onto your friend, OP, because this is your sub-conscious trying to protect you. Might it be more likely that your friend keeps mentioning it because she is trying to make you see the truth?

When this other woman left him suddenly, where did she go, and why did she then return to continue walking with him?

@Thoughtsfordays I’m so sorry.
”What bothers me is that I didn’t know about her”
Very gently, I think the reason you didn’t know about her bothers you more.
There is a reason why these meetings were kept secret and I think you know what that reason is.
The “I’ve been unhappy” speech is sadly the script, it astonishes me that they never have more imagination and trot out the same history re-write to justify their behaviour.
I don’t care whether it’s an emotional affair or a lesser-spotted pink flamingo affair, it’s infidelity and you need to treat it as such.
Please read @MsDogLady ’s post.
Sadly I don’t think she’s wrong and you need to understand that if a four year affair has been kept from you without detection, moving it underground would not be difficult. The “it’s over” emails could well be a joint effort to convince you, I don’t think either of them would give up that easily and affairs rarely end cleanly, endings are usually messy and stop-start until one if them really wants it to end.
Te feelings won’t come back unless he stops blaming you and admits what it is, how she makes him feel and ends all contact for good.
In the meantime protect yourself and consider how committed he is to you, if he’s being brutally honest with you and with himself and if not, he will never be a safe enough partner for you again and you deserve to not live in an anxious state of mistrust.
Do not let him minimise this, “just friends” who have been a secret for four years never are.

An emotional affair is never with fat Doreen the cleaner at work, it's always with Tiffany the glamorous and very attractive woman from Accounts.

Funny how they can only share their married life woes with someone who is good looking?

He's a deceitful piece of work who at times of stress should have turned to you his wife but instead was having his hand strikes and probably other parts of his anatomy, by sexy Tiffany.

Dump him.

Stroked not strikes ^

I think he needs to admit the truth. A friend would never make something so elaborate up. It smacks of an affair.
If they both considered each other friends then why did she run off and join him down the road?
perhaps you’re finding it hard to get over as deep down you know there are lies there.
what happens when he visits the city again?

I’d be asking him to request that she resends him their email chain. She’ll likely still have it: and then you can read it. I’d make him call her and ask for it, with me listening. If she says she hasnt got it, ok. If he won’t do that then I reckon he is lying and it’s way more than what you know.

He won't change, this is him, you have uncovered his hobby.

You are young and more resilliant at the moment, this will keep happening as you age making it harder for you to cope.

These men just don't stop with these types of female friends, they have them for years only adding to them like a harem.

He didn't care about lying to you, he has no concience and he feels entitled to do whatever he wants.
Gather your strength this man is not your friend, he never was, one day you will realise you need to be as far away as possible from this love rat.

He loves himself.