Husband had emotional affair - help

[Thoughtsfordays]

Sorry, long one… I’m just really upset today.
i was in what I thought was a happy marriage and relationship of 7 years, with a young toddler. Still in absolute love with my husband, almost to co-dependency as (long story short) he was the one person I truly believed really loved me for who I am. He was my rock and best friend, and my SIL would joke that he wouldn’t cheat on me even if I paid him to.
One day, he was in another city (where we used to live) for a work trip - a normal event. He messaged me and said he’d bumped into one of my old friends on the street whilst walking with a colleague, and had a chat. All fine and dandy.
30 minutes later, my friend called me to tell me that she’d seen my husband in the street - and was convinced that he was holding hands with another woman, or walking inappropriately close to her. She said she followed behind them for about 2 minutes and couldn’t say for sure they were holding hands but they were close, and that when she approached them and greeted my husband, this woman shot off without saying anything. She found that very shifty. She said my husband seemed happy to see her and they had a normal and nice conversation, and then they parted ways. She said that she saw my husband down the next street and the other woman had rejoined him and they were now walking normally.
I called him immediately to find out who this colleague was, as I do know some of his team. He flat out denied that they had been holding hands and said my friend was wrong, there was nothing inappropriate going on and not to worry. He had just gone out with an ex colleague for a walk. When I pressed him on why I didn’t even know this colleague, he said she was just someone he had ‘a bond’ with, but that we’d talk more when we got home. He then had to leave as he was talking at a conference. I called and called him but he didn’t answer as he said it was best to have this talk face to face.
After two days from hell, he came back and we spoke. It finally came out that he was unhappy in our marriage, and this woman that I knew nothing about had been his emotional crutch for 4 YEARS (since we got married). He said he got empathy and warmth that he did not get from me, and he discussed his feelings about our marriage with her, as did she with him. This woman was older than us but very attractive, also married and with children. He said that their relationship was purely of friendship, and that they checked in with each other every 6-10 weeks via email and met up whenever he was in our old city for a midday walk where they vented to each other about life in general. But that there had never been anything physical or romantic at all. He hasn’t told me about her because it felt weird, and he acknowledged that wasn’t right.
I had a full blown panic attack and threw up. Didn’t sleep or eat for days, my life was crushed. While I understood his reasoning (empathy and warmth had taken a back seat after we had our child), I couldn’t comprehend that he’d go to someone else for something he should get from a marriage.
He said he wanted to work on our marriage. He sent her an email to break it all off, and we have implemented a lot of things to improve our relationship. He communicates better with me and I’m working on my empathy. After being made redundant in 2024, buying a house the other side of the country, and now this, I started therapy and antidepressants, as I didn’t want to live anymore. He was the one person in this world I trusted - and not even he could love me, it felt like.
It’s now 3 months on. This week it feels like it’s been getting to me a lot, and tonight I can’t stop thinking that I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t know if this can work, even though we’ve both been doing so much to turn it around. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget.
I also don’t know… is this cheating? Or am I catastrophising? He accepts that I view it as cheating as he would feel the same, but he said she just happened to be a woman but he could have got this support from another male and it all would have been fine.
I will never know what really happened or if my friend saw what she thinks she did. She seemed to find some pleasure in bringing it up time and time again during the weeks after, so I don’t know if she got some twisted feeling from doing so, as my relationship always seemed so great and stable. So not sure if she thought she saw something and just relished seeing me in pain from it.
Has anyone had experiences with emotional affairs? Especially positive ones. I just do t know if that feeling of absolute love will ever come back or if I even need it to make this a success. Some days it’s clear that he’s a good guy with bad communication that made a stupid mistake he will never repeat after seeing the pain he caused me. Other days I wonder if I’m stupid and naive and there was much more going on.
I have so much resentment towards him for blowing up what was a seemingly great life instead of just coming to be to say it. But I appreciate that he felt like he couldn’t.
What a mess.

This doesn’t sound like an emotional affair - it was a friendship. What would have hurt me is that he needed to vent to someone about how shit his life with me is. Wouldn’t matter if it was a man or woman. It takes a lot of work to get over that because essentially he was unhappy and you were emotionally checked out. Whether you put the work in depends on whether you want save the relationship.

You don't hold hands with each other and scuttle away when spotted by people you know if it's just a friendship.

I do believe in the idea of an emotional affair but I also believe it's possible to have close friends of the opposite sex and MN can jump on this a bit too fast.

For me an emotional affair is when they are systematically prioritizing the other person over you. So he won't spend time with you because he has plans with her. If it's just occasional for a friend that's fine but not all the time.

I really feel for you OP. I disagree with a lot of posters on here about all men being disgusting, cheating pigs. Obviously there are men AND WOMEN like that. But not everyone is like that. Also it is entirely possible to have male and female friendships.

I have had many male friendships throughout my life and the vast majority have never tried anything on with me and im an attractive woman FWIW. However, it is a thing that men will use women for emotional support especially if they aren't getting it from their OH. It may not be sexual at all and may not lead to anything and in fact in that kind of situation you shouldn't worry because it is the other woman who is being used.

Your husband knows he crossed a line and I can really empathise with you thinking he was perfect etc. You are the only one who knows your husband but if he is a good man and this is a non-physical aberration then this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. It will all depend on how he behaves from here. He sounds remorseful, he has to prove to you he won't do that ever again. Your marriage won't ever be the same but it could end up better - stronger because you have survived this and your love is based on the reality of him not an ideal of him.

I think for me what makes me think you should try and get past this is that you recognise your low empathy, bad mood, low libido etc. I've been on the other side of a relationship like that and it makes you feel totally alone. You have someone but its as if you have no one at all. That will destroy a marriage. The fact that you know that what husband is saying is true says a lot.

If they were holding hands. The friend seems quite overexcited about the whole thing so I wouldn’t entirely trust her recollections.

If it's was just a " friendship" why the need to keep it secret?
Why would the woman run off when OP's friend saw them?
Why would they be walking so close together it looked as though they were hand in hand?
Why,if he was so unhappy, didn't he talk to OP instead of bad mouthing her and their relationship to another woman who he kept in a secret part of his life ?

I don't believe he's told you the complete truth here, deep down you may know that, and that's why its so hard to start to heal and move on - because there's still deception.
Would he have had an emotional affair with a much older or unattractive lady? Probably not.
Only you know your friend, but she probably did see them holding hands. She clearly saw something inappropriate that made her call you and tell you.
Whenever i read a thread about a so called emotional affair that also talks about the husband going away from home over night im highly skeptical its just 'enotional'.

Or she saw what she saw - and kept bringing it up with op because she thought the husband was underplaying it and gaslighting OP.

Seems a bit odd of the dh to have felt the need to message OP quickly to lay the groundwork if there was nothing in what she saw.

An emotional affair requires a desire to be physical. If they don’t want to fuck, it’s a friendship.

They were intimate enough to appear a couple to the friend. And he stays in the city on regular occasions so there's opportunity for them to take it further.

You don't need to keep a friendship secret.

Agreed on the first point. But you would want to keep a friendship secret from your wife if it existed solely as an outlet for slagging her off.

I disagree with that.

A relationship is much much more than just physical. It is sharing your emotions, feelings, thoughts, worries fears and aspirations with your partner.

In this case OP's H was sharing these with a woman outside of his marriage. He may or may not have physically cheated but he betrayed his wife in investing his emotional commitment in another woman.

OP I wonder if your friend goes on about it so much because she's stunned by your reaction. I suspect she is trying to get you to understand that the chance that a relationship where people walk hand in hand in the street is not physical is fairly low.

I would say out of her and your H, I would be more inclined to lean into her version of events, or call her out if she seems to be relishing it and ask her why.

I think you're really stretching there. He says they vented about all sorts, and you don't need to keep the entire existence of a friendship secret because you vent about your partner in it. You simply omit the topic of discussion when you mention you saw [Rita] for coffee 😂

My heart goes out to you @Thoughtsfordays and it started pounding the more I read of your opening post. That's all I have read so far.

My husband confessed to an emotional affair. We'd been together for 19 years with three children and had been married for 16. Also very dependant on him and I felt is got less capable the longer we were together. I thought he was my gift for such an awful upbringing.

Of course it came out that they'd met. She lives overseas so initially I wasn't too worried as thought it was emails. But no. They'd met, kissed, had sex a few times, many lies. Left me at home when I needed him to go and fuck her.

I was left with an illness due to the shock. Last year I divorced him after he said something completely unforgivable, this has left me with another illness. I stayed for nearly ten years after his affair confession but I'm so glad to be out. Btw he only told me as she told her husband and he tracked me down to tell me.

No man is worth making yourself ill over.

He's lying. Your friend is a complete superstar for telling you.

@Theycallmemama here you are 🙌 I'm handing you the strength to leave. You have got it. You have to allow it out. Your husband is a pig and I'd like to smack him. Hard.

@Thoughtsfordays no house is worth feeling more and more worthless and sad as you will if you stay with this man. He thinks you are stupid enough to believe him and is willing to let you lose a friend by trying to make you think she is lying.

I would have said my h had no time for an affair. He was at home or at work. But then he engineered an overnight work thing that he had done before genuinely so I didn't question it, then had an early start and a later finish one time. They always find a way.

A friendship is a relationship. An affair requires sexual desire.

I agree with a previous poster that if what he says is true you are catastrophising and it’s a friendship. If he is hiding her because of your over dependency and neediness then it could be a friendship. He says he was ranting and discussing his life - he didn’t say he was expressing love or feelings etc.

But your friend may have seen something so you need to be on your guard. I would suggest therapy and gwt to the bottom of things.

I agree with all of this, it went on for 4 years , there is literally no way they didn't sleep together.
He has given you the bare minimum and blamed you for his shit behaviour. I wouldn't be able to come back from this and honestly? I don't think you can, or should.

OP, 4 years close emotional relationship with a married attractive woman. What are the chances of this not being physical?
I think these two have extramarital sex and share some emotional bond. He is trying to minimise it because of course he doesn’t want to lose his source of stability/safety and blow up his life. She doesn’t seem to want this either.

He emailed to break it all off. It was something significant that needed to be broken off.

He's betrayed you. Blamed you. Kept her a secret. Never said a word about how he was feeling.

He's a nasty, sly, deceiving little weasel of a man.

The fact the ow shot off when your friend bumped into them is very telling.

The pair of them deserve each other.

Bin him and make certain you tell the ow's husband too. I don't see why your world should be the only one destroyed.

I'm sorry OP but like many others I couldn't believe that an emotional affair had gone on for FOUR YEARS and gone no further. At some point it has been physical.

Oh you poor thing. I can pretty much guarantee they've been shagging. Sorry this has happened, he's a shit.

There is no evidence anywhere that there was any physicality. I can’t divorce him and break up our lives based on an unconfirmed suspicion.

We used to live in said city for a few years but recently moved 8h away. He now only goes twice a year or so. I really fully believe there’s been no physical aspect to it though, but I don’t care if there was or wasn’t. The emotional aspect of it is bad enough for me.

the fact that there’s so much controversy in the comments helps me see that I’m not mad for going back and forth in my mind. What is true is that I will probably never know, and I have to live with this. The rest is all interpretations, suspicions and guesses. There was someone that even said that men and women can’t have friendships on here… I’m sorry but that’s just not true. Most of my best friends have always been heterosexual males and there would never be anything like this involved.
I don’t even care that he was slagging me off, that’s fine - everyone needs to vent. Him having a female friend is fine - he has lots that I know about and been to their weddings, etc. What bothers me is that I didn’t know about her.