Husband had emotional affair - help

[Thoughtsfordays]

Sorry, long one… I’m just really upset today.
i was in what I thought was a happy marriage and relationship of 7 years, with a young toddler. Still in absolute love with my husband, almost to co-dependency as (long story short) he was the one person I truly believed really loved me for who I am. He was my rock and best friend, and my SIL would joke that he wouldn’t cheat on me even if I paid him to.
One day, he was in another city (where we used to live) for a work trip - a normal event. He messaged me and said he’d bumped into one of my old friends on the street whilst walking with a colleague, and had a chat. All fine and dandy.
30 minutes later, my friend called me to tell me that she’d seen my husband in the street - and was convinced that he was holding hands with another woman, or walking inappropriately close to her. She said she followed behind them for about 2 minutes and couldn’t say for sure they were holding hands but they were close, and that when she approached them and greeted my husband, this woman shot off without saying anything. She found that very shifty. She said my husband seemed happy to see her and they had a normal and nice conversation, and then they parted ways. She said that she saw my husband down the next street and the other woman had rejoined him and they were now walking normally.
I called him immediately to find out who this colleague was, as I do know some of his team. He flat out denied that they had been holding hands and said my friend was wrong, there was nothing inappropriate going on and not to worry. He had just gone out with an ex colleague for a walk. When I pressed him on why I didn’t even know this colleague, he said she was just someone he had ‘a bond’ with, but that we’d talk more when we got home. He then had to leave as he was talking at a conference. I called and called him but he didn’t answer as he said it was best to have this talk face to face.
After two days from hell, he came back and we spoke. It finally came out that he was unhappy in our marriage, and this woman that I knew nothing about had been his emotional crutch for 4 YEARS (since we got married). He said he got empathy and warmth that he did not get from me, and he discussed his feelings about our marriage with her, as did she with him. This woman was older than us but very attractive, also married and with children. He said that their relationship was purely of friendship, and that they checked in with each other every 6-10 weeks via email and met up whenever he was in our old city for a midday walk where they vented to each other about life in general. But that there had never been anything physical or romantic at all. He hasn’t told me about her because it felt weird, and he acknowledged that wasn’t right.
I had a full blown panic attack and threw up. Didn’t sleep or eat for days, my life was crushed. While I understood his reasoning (empathy and warmth had taken a back seat after we had our child), I couldn’t comprehend that he’d go to someone else for something he should get from a marriage.
He said he wanted to work on our marriage. He sent her an email to break it all off, and we have implemented a lot of things to improve our relationship. He communicates better with me and I’m working on my empathy. After being made redundant in 2024, buying a house the other side of the country, and now this, I started therapy and antidepressants, as I didn’t want to live anymore. He was the one person in this world I trusted - and not even he could love me, it felt like.
It’s now 3 months on. This week it feels like it’s been getting to me a lot, and tonight I can’t stop thinking that I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t know if this can work, even though we’ve both been doing so much to turn it around. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget.
I also don’t know… is this cheating? Or am I catastrophising? He accepts that I view it as cheating as he would feel the same, but he said she just happened to be a woman but he could have got this support from another male and it all would have been fine.
I will never know what really happened or if my friend saw what she thinks she did. She seemed to find some pleasure in bringing it up time and time again during the weeks after, so I don’t know if she got some twisted feeling from doing so, as my relationship always seemed so great and stable. So not sure if she thought she saw something and just relished seeing me in pain from it.
Has anyone had experiences with emotional affairs? Especially positive ones. I just do t know if that feeling of absolute love will ever come back or if I even need it to make this a success. Some days it’s clear that he’s a good guy with bad communication that made a stupid mistake he will never repeat after seeing the pain he caused me. Other days I wonder if I’m stupid and naive and there was much more going on.
I have so much resentment towards him for blowing up what was a seemingly great life instead of just coming to be to say it. But I appreciate that he felt like he couldn’t.
What a mess.

Only you can say what you can and cannot forgive OP. There’s never any excuse for cheating obviously but if you want to stay with him that’s your choice. When you have young children it puts intense strain on any relationship and maybe he is genuinely sorry. What worries me the most about the situation is for how long he’s been having this emotional affair. 4 years no remorse and now suddenly he finally understands how much you adore him? Suddenly now it will all change?
But I do understand you have a young child together and it sounds like you don’t have much support from elsewhere - he’s well aware of this of course and so it’s highly possible this sort of thing can happen again. You say he doesn’t go out a lot but he’s somehow managed to hide this from you for FOUR years? I’d wonder what else I wasn’t aware of.

I am sorry you’re going through this and wish you well. Don’t ever let him think it’s something you’ve done - this is on him.

The other side of this is that I had a male colleague who was just a friend. We would have lunch together occasionally, send occasional emails, all completely innocent, my DH knew about it. Turns out his partner didn’t and she was supremely pissed off when she found out. I still don’t really understand why he never mentioned it? Like I say, there was never anything remotely inappropriate, he had no interest in me in that way at all. I don’t actually know whether he deleted the emails between us but there was never anything suss in them.
So I suppose he could be telling the truth?

At first I thought this isn’t a emotional affair she’s a friend but now I’m thinking na fuck that, 4 years he’s had a secret female friend he’s been having conversations with at least that he wasn’t willing to have with you. If he didn’t sleep with her I think it was only a matter of time before he did. Take the emotion out and look at the fact. He found it so easy to lie to you for four years and would have continued to do so. I think he has utterly shattered your trust and I’m not sure that’s something you can fix

would you have run off if seen by someone who could have reported seeing the two of you together like this woman did when op's friend saw them together? I imagine you wouldn't have.

This is all nonsense. He’s fed you a load of old crap and you’re giving it too much air time. You’d do better to get your ducks in a row and move on

Basically he's been slagging you and your marriage off to this 'very attractive' woman who he finds warm and empathetic. They have a 'bond' and they walk down the street together in such a way that it looked to your friend like they were a couple (regardless of whether they were actually holding hands or not). The woman felt uncomfortable enough at being 'caught' that she ran off and then rejoined him after your friend had left. He also unbeknownst to you has apparently been unhappy in your marriage - how long has that been for exactly?

If he wasn't sleeping with her then he wanted to be don't you think? He was unhappy with you (apparently) and she was warm and attractive and he secretly met up with her whenever he could. He's clearly justified it all to himself.

IMO he's ruined things and there's no going back. You put him on a pedestal and he just took the absolute piss.

The only think he's sorry about is that he got caught.

Your marriage sounds so dysfunctional. Even without the cheating, you are overly emotionally and psychologically dependent upon him. Checking up on him, policing his emails, etc., is that how you really want to live? All this drama and angst?

I can only imagine the effect of all of this strife on your kid. Maybe seek therapy to focus on yourself rather than on him.

No, no need to, nothing to hide. I want to think ops friend could have been mistaken but this woman legging it is, I agree, very odd.

I knew someone that I guess you could call an emotional affair based on the above descriptions. It really wasn't. My relationship is sexless, virtually no hugs or kisses, and to make matters worse, my partner has severe depression and a horrible temper.

This friend was absolutely the opposite of what I would want in a partner, but I knew they fancied me. It was literally a few weeks of them complimenting me, saying I was wanted, and showing me appreciation. There was zero chance of progressing to anything, but it's nice to have an ear, a shoulder, and to feel appreciated.

I honestly feel (in this case), this is what his was. The fact they're rarely together I think reaffirms this.

I'm not saying it's right, but I think there's a difference between truly wanting someone (emotional affair), I.e. a 'would if I could' thing, and a crutch of the opposite sex.

@bifurCAT this is a great way to put what I think happened. It’s not right, but it’s not a fully blown affair and I’m trying to not fall into the ‘all men are evil and this is all his fault’ trap. I did have some responsibility in this an I WAS the depressed, low libido, nasty partner to him - I knew this but wasn’t aware that there was as big of a problem. I do take a small part of responsibility and don’t see things as black or white - I wasn’t a great partner to him as I was struggling so much. Now, I’m cleaning up my side of the street and have to trust that he is too. I genuinely think he is. But I have wobbles where I think I’m just stupid and just making excuses for him. And other days when we are great - we now have regular catch ups, we make a point to go on dates and be physical in a way that has dropped off before.
But never felt that intense being in love feeling since, and it bothers me. not sure if that was love or dependency, mind you.

Sorry OP but this went on for 4 years.
He hid his relationship with this woman from you for 4 years.

He confided in her and talked about you and your marriage to her behind your back for 4 years.

You had no idea she existed until recently and you still have no idea of the extent of their relationship.

You are taking on guilt for his behaviour onto yourself. Why? If he was not happy in the marriage, if he felt he was upset by your behaviour, then he should have been talking to you, his wife, about it so you could work on things together.

But instead he went outside the marriage and complained to another woman about your relationship. That is not how marriages are supposed to work.

He betrayed you and your marriage.

OP it's absolutely fine if you want to work on your marriage, but if someone looks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

It's highly implausible that he had a non sexual relationship with this woman for 4 years, the one he was intimately hand holding on the street.

I'm sorry but I think he is taking you for a fool, I could not remain in the relationship without full disclosure.

My husband had an emotional affair around 18 months ago, with a colleague.

His was only around three months. I've seen all the correspondence between the two and I'm about 99% sure I know exactly what happened between them.

I get where you're coming from in terms of feeling like you had some responsibility for the matter. It was similar in our relationship in that I had become somewhat cold following the birth of our kids etc etc. I do accept that.

However, what struck me from your posts is that you talk a lot about what you are doing to change things, but what is HE doing?

When I found out, my DH immediately got himself signed off work for two months with stress, partly because he was stressed, but partly because he realised that he was going to have to put in some effort to repair the damage done. He undertook individual counselling and couples counselling through Relate which was enormously beneficial.

He was deeply remorseful. And whilst I can recognise that I did play small part, he has never once tried to blame me. He attributes the whole matter to his own failings.

We have both made changes since then. And things aren't perfect, but they are much healthier because BOTH of us are putting in the effort. But mostly, HE is putting in the majority of the effort because he knows it's on HIM to fix it.

Maybe your friend did gleefully tell you, but are you glad she did?

She seemed to find some pleasure in bringing it up time and time again during the weeks after, so I don’t know if she got some twisted feeling from doing so, as my relationship always seemed so great and stable

If you really do think she was getting a kick out of this, she is absolutely not your friend, just an enemy with a dagger behind their back for you.

The reason why this has shattered you so much, if that one of the core definitions (at least for me), of a romantic life partner is someone you can truly trust, and that includes fidelity. It does not include having a horrible unsettled feeling, or a upsetting event that your mind keeps chewing on months or years later.

After two days from hell, he came back and we spoke. It finally came out that he was unhappy in our marriage, and this woman that I knew nothing about had been his emotional crutch for 4 YEARS (since we got married). He said he got empathy and warmth that he did not get from me, and he discussed his feelings about our marriage with her, as did she with him. This woman was older than us but very attractive

They're usually younger, but never ugly.

Other than pure, cold opportunism, I think what often happens is that men don't feel like they can, or don't want to talk to other men about their relationships & feelings. Therefore some of them tend to talk about things that worry them with women who offer a sympathetic ear. Women are more used to this so might find it easier to keep a certain distance or everything platonic, but I do think that men are more likely to develop feelings, sexual and otherwise, towards women whom they converse with like this.

It doesn't mean they actually make a move physically, but they hold a candle for the day that she might show an interest. 4 years is a long time, and I think it's likely that at the very least, he was dancing far too close to the flame for this time, and now has ruined your trust.

My sympathies OP. At minimum, it's likely that he had romantic feelings for her, as 'bond' is quite a specific and intimate phrase to use.

There is no such thing as an emotional affair. There are only affairs that haven’t yet turned physical due to things like distance. He’s told you he’s had a secret relationship with her for four years and he complained about you to her.

You are not responsible in any way for him betraying you. Women often are depressed during their husband’s affair whether they know an affair is happening or not.

op, hes lying, they always minimise the truth. theres no way hes been meeting up regularly with her for walks. find your anger

OP, I mean this kindly - you are completely in denial and turning yourself inside out to find logic-defying explanations so you don't have to leave. That's okay. You don't have to leave. You can stay for as long as you want; forever if you like. But please can you find yourself a trusted counsellor or therapist so you have support and a place to reflect on yourself and your needs? You are leaving yourself even more vulnerable and dependent if you put everything into this relationship and distance friends in the process. I feel so sorry for the friend who told you. Poor woman.

Didn't OP say that he is only in that area twice a year?

Also that they work from home so couldn't be meeting her regularly so possibly "just" an emotional affair but still concerning.

If you believe what he said, which only you can say if you do or not, what you've described isn't an emotional affair.

I think that if you do believe in what he's saying and you don't suspect there's more to it, your reactions have been very extreme and it sounds like you could benefit from professional help.

Aside from that, you can't rely on one other person for all your happiness and love and support and trust like you have been doing. It's not healthy for you and it's too much pressure and too big a burden for them, which is why you see them either run away or turn to other people for support.

Yeah, my bad. I read that wrong. But my thought on it stands, they haven’t met up for ‘walks’. He’s lying.

But never felt that intense being in love feeling since, and it bothers me.

Well, he took a dive off the pedestal you had him on, lied to you for years and hurt you in a way that you never expected - it would be odd to feel the same way, no?

Op, heterosexual men do not have platonic friendships with women.

Sorry but they don't. Every man I ever thought was a friend has immediately tried it on the second I was single and some have even tried to SA me eventually when their efforts weren't paying out quick enough.

So sorry your having to deal with this. Be kind to yourself, be has turned your previously secure feeling world inside out and upside down.

I don't want to add to your pain, but you really do need to consider that there was a physical affair. You may know people that he works with there but they wouldn't have kept track of him 24 hours a day when he was in that city. Most men minimise when found out, a physical affair often gets reframed as a friendship that went over the line - you see it time and time again on these boards, unfortunately.

I would be getting myself checked for STDs and insisting that he does the same. It's not pleasant to think about but you do need to think about your physical health.