Should I be worried, I found my partners internet activity

[jellycatlover]

I'm 44 and with my partner 41 who is an amazing man in so many ways. We have a wonderful relationship, but I've always had trust issues, due to previous relationships where my trust was broken due to cheating. He has never cheated and we have a healthy sex life. But every now and then I get the urge to "keep tabs" on him, find ways to see what he's up to online.

A few days ago I checked his deleted emails on our laptop, and discovered that he has used a site to create AI nudes using photos, multiple times. When I asked him he said he used my own photos to do this and it was just curiosity and messing around, and even sent me 2 photos of me that he created in these sites, I suppose to put my mind at ease, as my first instinct is that he has been uploading other womens photos, like of attractive women he knows/works with. He denies strongly that he has done this. But I have a feeling thats he's lying as I find it so hard to believe that he's used these sites that many times just to upload a few images of me. and to clarity, it's not like he doesn't already have photos of me already.

am I right to feel worried that he might have used other womens photos also? also part of me is pissed that he had admitted using my own photos, firstly without my consent, and secondly, why would he want to alter my body in images to make it look better?

My head is hurting so bad thinking about this, and trying to find a way to move on from it, and I'm trying not to over react, but I feel so hurt. And I also know that it's really wrong to check up on him like this.

I used to know someone who would laugh about the pictures shared in a WhatsApp group - full of “lads” talking about football and forwarding on the images their partners presumably shared in confidence.

He was a friend of a friend, not a friend of mine. But it was all, you know, banter 🙄

I’d like to point out, taking the focus off the lack of consent etc for a moment, that I think there are few 40 somethings (of either sex) who would not be hurt, deflated and unsettled by discovering their partner, who has been given nudes of them, has used an app to create alternative nudes of them, with a presumably much younger person’s body replacing theirs.

And this wasn’t done in some kind of “fun” (oh what fun!) consenting, mutual, open way ….. but done privately & secretly, and only discovered when their partner was being challenged about their use of a sleazy, porny app.

No one would feel good about that, not even the BS mongers on this thread.

This could also be illegal, not sure though. It being a fairly new thing, I do not know if law makers caught up with it yet.

What a perv.
Get him to delete all nudes he has of you as it’d bet he’s already started sharing this pics of you.

I don’t see the issue here.

The biggest issue IMO is the OP checking his emails. That shows a lack of trust and a betrayal in itself.

The Ai aspect, possibly a little weird, maybe creepy in some eyes, but that’s about it.

For those saying he needs consent to use your photos, he’s not uploading nudes to a porn site, he’s not sending them to mates, he’s using fully clothed pics ( I’d assume ) that are already on a. Server somewhere already, to effectively filter and make more cartoon like out of curiosity.

tell him you don’t feel comfortable and ask him to stop making AI images of you, or any other women. If he keeps doing it then this becomes a bigger issue. Otherwise, forget it and move on.

@Applesandpears0 why do you presume they’re ’cartoon-like’? They are likely to be quite realistic.

Also OP doesn’t know for sure where he’s distributing them.

This is grim OP and is one of those things that makes me genuinely concerned for society going forward.

And no OP, what you did is no way on the same level, which some people would have you believe. Assuming you don’t snoop often, your intuition told you something and you were absolutely correct. If your snooping turned out to be nothing but paranoia, sure, something to think about, but it wasn’t.

It’s sordid honestly.

he’s not uploading nudes to a porn site, he’s not sending them to mates, he’s using fully clothed pics

@Applesandpears0 How do you know this? I'm sure it would be a relief for OP to be so sure he's not shared them.

This. I would wonder what else it would lead to aswell. Very very creepy and not normal.

"The part about my pictures being in a server somewhere, I can get over it and forger it, I was initially worried, but yes, I've sent pictures to him anyway in our relationship, so you have made a good point."

Not related to the rest, but if it was uploading pictures of your face to an AI which did the rest then anyone could do that, so not sure you should stress that a server created one for him.

I don't know the technology but I imagine these systems are being used thousands (or millions) of times a day so the system is probably not storing them.

I don’t see the issue here.

There are six issues here.

Op's lack of consent re. her images.

The potential privacy, security issues re. her images.

The hurtfulness of a partner creating nudes of you with a younger body substituted for yours, when they already have actual nudes of you.

The man's gas lighting, manipulative response when discovered.

The man's escalation from typical porn into creating explicit images - without consent.

The unknown possibility that he's done the same with other women's images who likewise didn't consent.

Your blindness to all of these issues is "interesting".

And fuck the snooping focus

Snooping is perfectly understandable and justified in some circumstances. This is one of those circumstances. Op's instincts were correct in snooping. People find out all sorts of things that allow them agency in their own lives by snooping, when they are in relationships with low integrity individuals.

Some people would have been saved years of misery, trauma, financial losses, health issues, even losing their lives in several cases, if they'd "snooped".

He's a creep.
He's dishonest.
He ignores consent re his use of intimate images shared with him in trust.
What he's done is probably illegal.

to effectively filter and make more cartoon like out of curiosity.

Can you read words?

The app creates realistic nudes with a model's body.

I think you can read words but for reasons best known to yourself, you are choosing to misrepresent what happened here.

I wonder why that is.

he’s not uploading nudes to a porn site, he’s not sending them to mates,

Is that the bar?

Criminal acts.

Lol

he’s using fully clothed pics

Yeah, when he already has nudes of the op.

The ones she gave him.

The ones he has consent to look at.

Update:
I didn't expect this to get so many comments, maybe 3 or 4 at most 😅
Just to clarify, as a person I am not very confident, and some of the other posters picked up on this and are correct. I tend to second guess myself a lot.

on talking with him again yesterday evening, I asked him to show me the folder on his phone where he stored the photos (which are now deleted), he opened his phone on front of me straight away and showed me all his photo albums, the photos were in his "downloads" folder before he deleted them, there was nothing else suspicious in there. I asked does he have a hidden folder with "stuff", and he said he didn't. I said i was concerned that he made other images of other women, and he strongly denied it, that he made 3 of me, that the site only let's you make one each time, as you have to pay. He was deeply apologetic about using my images this way, and that he didn't think it through, but he knows now it's completely wrong, he was stupid, he's never do anything like that again etc etc. He didn't make me feel in anyway bad that I snooped, and have done multiple occasions in the past. In general, he doesn't act in a sneaky way, like hiding his phone, sneaking off with his phone, etc. He works hard, comes home and seems more than happy to spend as much time with me and our family, never ever makes me feel like he doesn't ever want to be in my company.

I do believe he hasn't shared these images anywhere, and they were just for himself, I honestly don't believe he has this secret side where he is in forums, WhatsApp chats etc. I've never seen any evidence of anything like this.

But I am still unconvinced that he hasn't maniliputed other womens images (eg "Pretty Lisa from accounts") he could have deleted all evidence of this, and how would I ever know otherwise. I am willing to move on from the fact he did this with my own images, even though it's wrong, and it does suck, and it's completely fucking ridiculous. But I couldn't move on knowing he used someone else's image, it would be a betrayal and deal breaker for me.

So I'm at the point where I need to decide if I take his word for it, or do I continue to be paranoid and worried.

This whole thing has highlighted to me that it's a problem that I have no trust, and that I feel the need to snoop. And I need to decide now myself if I can continue to live this way. Because I'm tired of it.

he knows now it's completely wrong

I prefer grown adults who have their own standards/boundaries/morals and who don't need to be caught doing something and be upbraided about it to know it's wrong.

Also I think he knew it wasn't right, he's just blethering to get things back on track and not get any more shit about this.

Re what else he could have deleted..... Who knows.

Btw when you ask people if they have a secret folder, most people are not going to answer "yes, here it is".
Esp if they think you won't find it or they've deleted it.

Personally I would call his bluff by telling him that in order to continue in the relationship you need to be absolutely certain he hasn't lied and so you'll be taking his devices to a forensic data recovery firm. That they'll be able to recover data again a level below deletions. That if he refuses to let you have the devices, that will give you your answer. Watch his reactions and ask him if there is anything else he needs to tell you. Tell him it's last chance saloon.

This is all BS though because personally I think his behaviour is shitty, and - from everything you've written - I think the dynamic in your relationship is not a healthy one. So Id be looking at the wider picture if I were you..

also part of me is pissed that he had admitted using my own photos, firstly without my consent, and secondly, why would he want to alter my body in images to make it look better?

Even if it could be proven that he's never used the app with other women's images (which it can't); this still stands.

This would make the vast majority of people uncomfortable, unsettled, unhappy etc.
You are 100% justified and normal in that.

I am surprised that he did this to my images, as I honestly believed he adored the body I have. and its not perfect, I've had kids, but he has always claimed to love my body. He wants the light on during sex, he wants to see me, he has never ever in all our time together showed any kind of uninterest in the way I look. I could understand it if I had any kind of hint that he finds my body in anyway unappealing.

You don't trust him....because he isn't trustworthy. Why is this a 'you' issue? He'd have still done it, whether you had discovered it or not.

Also your values don't align with his. He has paid to use an app to do this. He dismisses it as stupid and now thinks it is completely wrong. But he thought it was ok before he was found out? What he did wasn't stupid. It is a breach of trust.

I appreciate the time that everyone has taken to give me their opinion on this. I have noone to talk to about this, because of how sensitive the topic is. So I've just been feeling so lonely, I wish I had that kind of friend that I could trust to offload this too.

If it were me, I'd never feel confident being naked around him again.

I don't think I will to be honest, which has me questioning my original decision about being able to put it behind me if it was only my images.

How can you heal from any trust difficulties you might have already had with someone who uses your private images in ways you've not consented to, and presumably would never have told you? You really do deserve better than always wondering what weird stuff he's doing with women's images. He's very creepy, OP.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/audio/2024/mar/07/episode-two-the-hunt-for-clothoff-the-deepfake-porn-app

You may find this podcast informative - it is about a very similar app that takes clothed photos and uses AI to "undress" the woman without her consent.

Personally I find it incredibly disturbing and just knowing that my partner knew about or had used an app similar to one used to "undress" teenage girls without their consent would end the relationship for me.

At the very least you'd ve wise to do a reverse image search. And I'd report him to the police. Let them decide if he's uploaded them.

Imo he's only being nice because he knows he's in deep shit if anyone goes digging.

Yeah you might think it's extreme to report to police for illegal upload of your image but surely, when he is found innocent, he will understand...right?? Doesnt he want you to have peace if mind?