February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

Ok, I'm stuffing that bullshit in The Mental Family Drawer, back in your box Shithead.

I'm very excited about the decorating starting next Monday and I have bhf coming imminently to pick up some expensive shit that was my mother's. Fuckity bye 👋

Most people won’t get it. Perhaps it wasn’t forwarded from the person with any bad intent. Most people would think a death would out trump family problems. They don’t know the depth of narc abuse unfortunately.

Sorry peeps for brief period of lunacy 🤣

It's tiny and insignificant really, ridiculous.

You're absolutely correct happyfarm people don't get how massively affected we all have been. And I'm certain the forwarder wasn't being nasty, she's not like that.

I shall mentally bestow forgiveness.

happyfarm regarding your eldest daughter. I worried a great deal about my eldest too, i had a very fractious relationship with his father, it was very difficult to deal with him and it did affect my eldest.

My eldest is now nearly your age and there has been difficulty over the years but I just kept on determinedly modelling optimal behaviour re core values.

What I've observed more than anything is that people are born with a basic blueprint, i can still see the sweet little 2 year old he was under his beard.

All you can do really is to parent honestly and kindly and to the best of your ability.

It is all I can do. I’ve come to realise I can’t control any of it, despite people constantly in my ear telling me that I can. He will do what he will do and I will do what I will do and hopefully it is enough but I’m mindful that it may not be. I’m trying my best and that’s all I can do. He is the greatest Disney dad you have even met currently and that’s very persuasive to a young child. I have stepped back from this silent competition and just let him do. I have to lean into who I am and what I prioritise. I’m quieter and softer and much more simple in my outlook. I don’t want expensive things I want a life that feels safe and good. I am literally living in parallel.

I love this attitude. I need this attitude! THANK YOU!

Yes she was a total lunatic for going on holiday with him. He took her ostensibly because she spoke French. He actually paid her to go with him and to "be his translator"!!!!! Madness. Sometimes some of the shit he pulls is so insane that it is funny, which does seem to be a recurring theme on this thread... I did wonder at the time if it was a sex thing but frankly I'd rather not know and as I say, we aren't friends any more anyway because it's fucking weird no matter what the arrangement was.

the only way to stop this bullshit is to starve it to death, give it no oxygen. You are correct that any response will feed the monster, tbh I would expect the widow has far more pressing things to think about than if you sent a card, she may even think it odd as you are no longer in contact.
I would also consider blocking 'friend' who has been put in the position of flying monkey, she needs to respect your NC with monster or join your list of undesirables! whether she understands your reasons or not.

I agree Binkie she's gone very far down in my trust levels and she's headed for the bin sadly.

I do think she's an innocent in this but I SAID previously please send me, tell me nothing. She even said in the forwarded message 'I know you said that you don't want to know anything but Monster asked me to let you know Brian has died'. Therefore she feels compelled to do Monster's bidding.

I don't think she agrees with my NC or appreciates how deathly serious I am about it. Therefore 👋 bye

She’s an easily manipulated person sent in by your parent to do their bidding. Flying monkeys have no interest in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored.

I don’t think everyone is horrible and I think most people would think death was an exception. I guess it depends on how often it happens. I’d block if it was recurring but probably not a one off but that’s just me. But then any friend of my enemy is an enemy.
If I can’t talk openly and honestly because of allegiances then what is the point in that relationship.

What does everyone do to keep their self esteem healthy? I’ve found that now I’ve backed off with my people pleasing nonsense trying to seek approval I’m a little bored and unfulfilled. I need to find fulfilling things that make me tick. What things have you discovered that you like?

I think embrace 'boredom' (contentment) and grow used to zero drama. Get a puppy!!!!! Also I'm an extremely committed telly watcher.

I don’t want drama. Don’t want a puppy with young children as I’ve enough to do with them. Ive just never found me. I love being a mum don’t get me wrong but it’s not my sole calling in life. I want to do something with my mind, something to take me away from just being a mum only.

I would recommend reading the feminine mystique by betty friedan (if you haven't already) and taking it from there.

@CheekySnake I’ve briefly read parts before but not the whole book. It is interesting. I have been desperately trying to emulate other mothers. Even my own SIL who is a housewife and fully embraces it and promoted by her bf and MIL. This is her sole role. Since stepping back I’ve realised, I even remember from young age that being a mum wasn’t high on my list. I was basically forced and coerced to have my eldest by my ex because it was his dream. I love them both but I don’t get complete fulfilment and I feel guilty. The SIL posts quotes all the time that they are her whole world, she needs nothing more and she is applauded. I feel bad because I want more than this. I feel selfish because they aren’t everything because I don’t feel completely fulfilled. I’m not sure if I should feel this. Cleaning and cooking for my man is not bringing me anything but it brings others completion. It’s scary when you step back and realise you’ve been living a lie of a life to fit and please. People tell me I have what so many people dream of so I should be happy.

Friedan basically says that housewife/mother isn't enough for an intelligent woman, and there's nothing wrong with needing more. Men are allowed to want more. We are too. She also argues v strongly that women are not to feel guilty for this. I quit my 'proper' job when I had my eldest but by the time the youngest was 1 I felt like my brain was dissolving. I started down a somewhat unusual path which has allowed me to stay at home and work in an intellectually challenging field (I'd always been flaky, but I got increasingly unwell after my second was born, and it eventually turned out that I've got very severe endometriosis and I couldn't do a full time job outside the house).

My children are not enough, and nor should they be. That's a massive burden to put on a child, that they have to provide all your fulfilment in life.

If your SIL wants to tell herself it's enough, that's her lookout. Not your business.

Definitely not my business. What I was doing was lying to myself that I could be as content as she is. Because she gets all the support and I get funny looks and negative feedback because being a housewife is not natural for me. All the comments of “you should be more like her” was really effecting me. I want to be more like me because I’m not happy being inauthentic and this means being ok disappointing everyone. But I’m not too sure what me is having people pleased for so bloody long. There are many whispers currently that I am selfish not putting everyone before me.

I fear the damage by my ex husband has been much deeper than I thought. I can still hear him saying to me “you think you’re so fucking clever don’t you”. He ruined my self esteem. When I met him I’d just finished my masters and I wanted more and he forced me into housewife/slave when I wasn’t ready. I fear somewhere along the line I’ve been highjacked and completely lost my way in life.

happyfarm I was just chatting about more or less this subject with a friend. Being, if you like, hobbyless, directionless, unfocused, unaligned (ish). We really tried to drill down into what do we like / want.

Really asking ourselves what sounds like weird questions ie do i like jigsaws, crafts, painting, diy, cooking, sports, exercise.

Do i want to work/study more, less, differently?

Perhaps just the exercise of asking the questions of yourself might be a help?

Do you think you might enjoy studying?

I personally drilled down to yoga and redesigning my garden and putting the finishing touches to my house when the decorators have finished. So kind of breathing, mindfulness, nature, air, visuals and being with my dog.

I also reaffirmed that I DON'T want to volunteer, study, do a sport or take up a hobby for the sake of having a hobby ie a board games club. I'd love to join a pub quiz team but don't want to go to the pub or deal with randoms, so 🤷🏼‍♂️😂

Both of those because they are things that I can do peacefully, alone and at a time of my choosing.

Think about your basic nature and work with instead of against it ie you might WISH you were a chess champion but do you hate sitting still and being quiet 🤣🤣

Also something i think is that people are often too hard on themselves. Sometimes we feel so sad or (physically and /or mentally) unwell that if all we do for the day is remember to breathe in and out then even that is a massive achievement.

It's ok to 'fail'. Our start points in life are waaaaaaaaaay behind people from normal families. Anything at all that we 'achieve' is awesome considering what we've survived.

By achieve I mean really basic stuff like staying alive, being kind to our kids/chosen people (I count dogs as people), not being a narc, not going to prison for murder.

My dream when I was young was to obtain my PHD. I wanted so much more but I let a man eliminate my self esteem. I feel so small in my life currently. Baking cakes, taxing to clubs and cleaning up etc etc to some is enough but I’m so mentally bored and when I’m bored I get down. I’ve got no one to talk to deeply about anything. I do feel behind. I have to drag along awful memories that will always stay with me. Yes I’ve achieved leaving an abusive marriage and starting again but this was never my dream in life. It is enough for many but it’s not enough, I’m fed up of doing the best I can only and surviving. I’m also deeply fed up with my c.f.s. Life has done nothing so far but hold me back and make me ill.

My daughter said to me that she is fed up with my illness. I literally said I’m doing the absolute best I can and that is the truth. But it’s not enough, it’s never been enough and it’s not now.

Are you working currently or are you too ill and busy with the kids? Can you chip away at your PhD? Can they be done remotely and piecemeal? Do you have depression?

I work part time. I probably am down at the moment. I find it hard sharing a child with my abusive ex. He is absolutely ok and can do everything he wants to. He rubs it in my face that he is well and I’m not. My daughter repeats this and he is the one who made me ill so it’s horrible to hear. I am struggling with being ill and the memories of what made me this way.