February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

Hi 👋 new here, but have been recommended these stately homes threads before, when I've posted under a different username.

I have a mum who I have gradually realised was/is emotionally abusive. I've come to the realisation that opinions I have on things aren't actually my own, they are hers. Because having a differing opinion generally wasn't allowed and life was easier going along with her. It means that now in my late 30s I've realised why I don't like making decisions on simple things, like what to watch on the TV or what restaurant to go to for dinner, I'm worried it will be the wrong answer and the other person will be annoyed with me. I've spent years being the person who goes along with things even if I don't want to and saying "I don't mind".

I'm trying to snap out of this with the help of DH but finding it tricky. Particularly if my mum gets wind of it, for example we went on holiday to somewhere that she is very much against and I know she's disappointed and judgemental of me for changing 'my mind' because I used to agree with her about it.

Any tips on becoming more confident about my opinions and not caring about my mum's judgement?

@Dogaredabomb dm lived in her own house and I did used to go and visit her until a few months ago when she stopped inviting me in the house she was polite enough accepted the flowers or cake I had taken but made lame excuses not to invite me in anymore so i stopped going as I wasn't to discuss any thing on the doorstep which has a ring doorbell connected to dsis phone which is probably wrong of me but I found it really hurtful and just kind of admitted defeat

As I have found out she is unwell i have no idea if she's still at home her curtains were closed at 4pm yesterday but the bin still out not that she would bring the bin in a neighbour or dsis would but it doesn't go dark til around 5.30 so no idea if she's in hospital staying with dsis or even still alive

I should probably call round but it's humiliating and I don't want to give dsis the satisfaction. I went round one weekend and dsis friend who was a family friend socialised plenty of times with who has a key the locks have been changed was leaving dms and asked me what I was doing as dm was away with dsis well I didn't know and wtf you have just walked out of my childhood home and have the cheek to ask me what i am doing going round to see my own dm

@Dogaredabomb it's complicated as although dm is elderly and forgetful she will repeat the same conversations ask the same questions 10 minutes later ss and the police deemed her as having capacity I know the bar is high and ss referred it to the police as they were unsure if she had capacity but the police said everything was fine so while I know she is being coerced by dsis who has isolated her from me and my adult dc the advice I've had on here is to accept that these are dm wishes

Thank you for explaining to me spendysis that sounds so painful, I'm very sorry for you.

I bet i can guess the answer but were your parents financially punitive when they didn't have to be? I had to go back to their house for a couple of months aged 21 with a very young baby. They were mortgage free, very early retired, plenty of money and charged me £650pm to share the spare bed with my child. Dad lent me the deposit on a private rental and I had to give him post dated cheques to ensure repayment. This was the early 90s, £650pm! I didn't even mind, I still don't really I was literally grateful not to be on the streets. I think they only temporarily rented me a room because I had a baby. They were pathologically selfish.

@SlowSloths I'm also new to this thread but I recognize the tendency to be unsure of my own likes, dislikes, and opinions about things. I haven't read the books listed in the first post, but I have used books by Jonice Webb that are directed to people who were emotionally neglected as children. Her advice is basically to practice and do exercises to figure out what you like or don't like (or what you really feel about things) to get better at recognizing and listening to your own feelings. She also has some free articles online if you don't want to buy a book.

I can't believe what I have just read . Were they claiming from the DHSS for your room ? I've heard of people on benefit renting a room in someone's house and the owner getting paid rent for the room off the DHSS.

its the fawn response, serves us well in childhood for safety reasons but is not appropriate in adulthood as one can do it to try and manage others emotions and stop them being cross with us and it then becomes manipulative .It’s where we think we are liked or loved because of what we do rather than what we are. Which may have been true in childhood .

Exactly this. I often find people I don’t like, they aren’t bad people I just don’t like them. So it’s hardly unreasonable for some people not to like me.

better to work on liking yourself (sorry that’s a bit corny)

SlashingRedRibbons no, I immediately started temping and I remember earning £812 pm. So I had just enough left for fares and nappies. I was pathetically grateful for the loan of a deposit on private rental.

I remember my friend at work moaning that her mum took £20pw keep off her. She moaned that her mum bought value beans 😂

If she is judgmental (and I do know where you are coming from) what will actually happen other than you will feel uncomfortable inside and not like that feeling. That’s usually the thing we are trying to avoid, the feeling. Feelings aren’t facts, if you get the feeling don’t try and squash it, you get told to sit with the feeling recognise it, talk to yourself, oh I feel sick thinking she’s disappointed, narrate it it will go away.

different when you are a child and disappointing a parent could be dangerous. Being judgmental doesn’t mean she’s right

or, just don’t tell her stuff, that’s easier!

They were always pre furious with me. Tight terrible atmosphere for no discernible reason so they must have been discussing me before seeing me and working themselves up.

Thank fuck they're dead, awful people.

yeah definitely is. I also think that it’s normal isn’t it when you meet partners parents and people with whom a relationship is important. To be on your best behaviour and be kind and welcoming. When I met my partner he spoke highly of his mum, he told me how much she’d adore our child etc but this was not the reality. You see other members being treated so well and it’s hard to understand why. Obviously understanding narcissism has cleared this up. For me I took the fawn to far and thought it was me.

@TorroFerney I think it is about liking ourselves and trusting the fact we are fabulous. Anyone who can't see how fabulous I am with my extremely brusk nature shouldn't be in my friendship group 😂
The less we rely on external praise, being liked, attaching importance on others opinions of us, the more we are ourselves and can attract people who love us for who we are.
In my early 30's I did a complete cull of all relationships, friends, boyfriend, work colleagues, any relationship that wasn't equal I ruthlessly cut dead. Any friendship that didn't energise me, good friends leave you feeling good not drained.
All the time wasted on those who do not energise us means we are missing out on time with people or finding people who love us for who and how we are.
Just wish I had done it sooner with family.
Also friends come and go, IV recently lost 2 close friends one has had to move 100's of miles away for work and the other is in a nasty coercive marriage. I feel a bit sad but clinging to people is pointless.

@binkie163 I think the thing that gets to me is being confident in being different. I am different in many ways, I don’t like a lot of things “normal” (I hate to use that word) do. I was different all through my life. I was lonely but it wasn’t through choice I just didn’t/couldn’t do the usual things that people did to form friendships, i.e at uni I didn’t drink and socialise so I was quite alone. Being myself = being alone and sad. Like you have said I have to become comfortable in who I am. People not liking me and being actively quite mean triggers all my past feelings of not being like others with friends etc, never being accepted and part of the group. It’s like I have always felt faulty.

Can I join this thread?

Been NC with my mother for maybe 6 years now, yet she's still convinced she has 'ownership' of me. This takes the form of persistent stalking, namely of myself, my husband, my friends, acquaintances, whoever she can find really. Often gets her flying monkeys involved, too.

She absolutely has some form of personality disorder, not that she'd ever go to a psychiatrist. It's very draining. Commiserations to everyone on this thread and in the same boat! 💐

@netherite76 welcome to the bad daughters club 😂we all have batshit family members here x

I don't tell her much at all these days, it was my brother that told her about our holiday plans. She says I'm boring because I don't have gossip about other people (mainly my in-laws) she doesn't really ask about my DC anymore. If I try to share news about my DC, any health updates etc (my eldest has disabilities) all I get is a thumbs up emoji if texting or she'll change the subject. She'd rather lecture me about emptying the crumb tray of the toaster. Her priorities are all wrong.

Omg that is disgusting . Yes a contribution towards gas electric and food , but this is their Daughter and Grandchild . To take that amount of money of you is senseless and greedy .

Oh god the thumbs up emoji yes I can relate to that. Yes I also get asked a question and get about three words in and she carries on talking.

Hello everyone, hope you are all well.

I am in shock - it is midday here in Australia, and this morning my estranged mother called my phone from her blocked number - my phone has updated and somehow the settings have screwed up and changed. Some contacts deleted, block settings cancelled etc.
I have been no contact for several years, and answered as it just showed a private number notice, which also comes up for my doctor.
I cannot believe this has happened- she had the audacity to lecture me because she's " lost a lot of weight recently and hasn't been well, and she's 93!" So therefore I should fall into line and act like nothing has ever happened.
I feel physically ill and in shock.
Her vile husband was commenting in the background ( he's not my father).
I am 61 years old and definitely do not need this crap.
I just needed a safe space to write this out and I know you all understand.
I didn't hang up immediately, I told her a few home truths but it's a wasted effort on my part - she just twists everything so she's a victim

I agree with you Binkie about liking oneself. Or rather not needing (much) external validation. I truly do think if someone doesn't agree that I'm grrrreeeaaat then that's their issue and I don't care.

I'm funny, open minded and caring what's not to like 🤷🏼‍♂️ I'm also very warm hearted. And my natural disposition is joy. Just delighted to have woken up to another day with weather, garden, dog, kids, coffee.

The Evil Ones don't have that, they have no inner contentment, satisfaction or joy.

Their day could be ruined by Mrs Jones having fancier curtains than they do 😂

However I do think that the inner peace comes with age, and having the correct people in your life.

I'm so sorry popcorn that sounds horrendous. What awful luck that she tried your number and got through. And what a cheek, so she gets through and tells you off. At least you know that nothing has changed but unfortunately also that she's not dead.